Penelope,

Thank you, again, for your incredible strength and courage. The transparency through which you allow us to see into your world blows me away, and I admire you for it.

Please let me know how I might be of service to you and your family during these trying times.

David

Well, congrats on entering another world. Yet again!

This is a tough one, Penelope. It's a long haul you have before you but you'll make it. Scarred and bruised and beat up, maybe, but you'll make it. You've been scarred and bruised and beat up before, right?

“Gender issues are especially significant for ENTJ females. As a type, their arrogant, confrontational manner and need for control can appear to be quite “unwomanly” to others. Of course, the problem intensifies for the ENTJ female when dealing with men. Their demanding, objective, competent, and independent nature is not particularly endearing to most men.”

We're having a discussion on this very phenonemon
over on ERE. Here's the link:
http://tinyurl.com/2t2cxq

PS: Good luck Penelope and spend as much time as you can with your kids. And don't ever feel guilty about the time you can't spend with them. My two grown daughters, raised by a divorced, working mother, tell me all the time what a great role model I was for them and how fortunate they were to have the support system I was able to provide for them. Go figger.
Maureen

I know what a difficult decision this must have been. There is no doubt you will come through stronger.

Brandon

This blog, and this post are classic examples of the genre of inane drivel dressed up in phony, self-important, self-declared authority that plague the blogosphere. Your kids need you, we don't.

Wow, excellent post about resiliency!

Good luck and all the best with this new phase of your life!!

Penelope, I am so sorry to hear this news.

What strikes me most powerfully is the way you've made thousands of strangers care about what happens to you. We've never met, but your news makes my heart heavy.

My empathy for your situation would not be possible had you not shared so much in the past and helped countless people navigate work and life. Thank you for your honesty, energy, and insights.

I know that you are going through a tough time, and I hope that everything works out for you. I think that your advice about marriage is still valid, but I have to say that you are probably more of an authority on what NOT to do in a marriage than on what you should do. For example, you can ask for exercise advice from either a well built professional athlete or from a lazy obese person. The athlete can tell you what to do and the obese person can tell you what NOT to do. So, yes, people who fail in an area can offer useful advice.

I applaud your bravery in sharing so much of your life (both good and bad). This courage is a big part of the strength of your voice.

I am an ENTJ/ENTP woman, (I am low on the judging/perceiving and have tested out as both in different points of my life), and it really saddens me to read your news.

I am engaged, but after 5 yeras of dating (and living together for 3), I still have a lot of reservations about the union. My finance pretty much lets me call all of the shots - I make most of the money and most of the decisions. I worry that I'm marrying someone that will never challenge me, but when I've men that are strong like me, it has always ended badly.

Sorry to turn what was supposed to be a supportive comments into a inner dialog about my own problems. Best of luck to you.

First, my sincere sympathy for your divorce. Mine was very amicable, and yet one of the worst times of my life.

If I can offer a little opinion, though, about your ENTJ research (or, INTP, in my case). Don't place all your trust in someone else telling you who you are. No matter how many studies they do to back up their evidence, it's still a lot like astrology… they're still telling you who you are. Don't box yourself into a neat little box named "ENTJ". Just be you.

Sorry about your divorce. It's pretty brave of you to blog so openly about this stuff.

Penelope, is your husband an NF? If so, that doesn't bode well for MBTI personality theory, since Keirsey says NTs and NFs are supposed to get along well. (Though from what you've said about him here, he sounds like an SP artist anyway. NTs and SPs can be a volatile mix.)

- Dave, fellow NT (INTJ)

Penelope, I am really sorry to hear about your divorce. Any loss is painful and for that I am very sorry.

I don't know what it is like to be married or divorced but I do know what it's like to be a child of divorce. I don't believe any study that says as long as there is no violence, kids have no clue how unhappy their parents are. I was very aware from a very young age how miserable my nonviolent parents were, both as individuals and partners. It's only in the last few years that I've realized how much that awareness has shaped me.

Ultimately, there is no way to shield children from pain–the pain of a bad marriage, the pain of the upending of a household that divorce brings, or the pain that happens in even the most functioning of homes. All you can do is your best to not add insult to injury.

I agree with Martin about just being who you are. Personality tests do smack of horoscope readings. There is some truth but still, you are you. There's comfort in those boxes, though. I read a lot about personality types and astrology when I was majorly depressed. I also agree with part of Harold's tactless comments, if just the last sentence. Your kids need you, not us. But I think it's safe to say that you primarily do this for you.

So, again, I am sorry. Go be the parent you need to be, to your kids and your self. Take care.

I think it's touching that you would share something so personal with your readers, especially after they have felt entitled to be viciously judgemental about you in the past. I admire your bravery and, yes, your resilience.

Like many other posters, I'm sorry to hear about the divorce. No one likes to fail at anything, but it's necessary part of life.

As much as people may scoff about it, if you're comfortable with it I would write about what you're going through. Consider all of the people out there who get married, find themselves unhappy and then wonder what or how they should deal with it.

What's the old cliche? How you respond when you are at your lowest is the true test of your character?

For what it's worth, my parents divorced when I was 10 and I'm happy as hell that they did. My stepfather was a much better father than my own dad and it's taught me how to being an equally great stepparent. I don't feel slighted or burned; I applaud my parents for realizing they couldn't make it work.

You will get through this.

I'm very sorry to read this. The more you tried to save a marriage, the less horrible a divorce will be, which is no consolation really but the "wrong" divorces are the flippant, selfish ones; sometimes marriages do die, because people do make mistakes, and we all need to accept that.

However; just because most of the time divorce is bad for kids doesn't mean you can't find ways of getting your kids into the minority that does OK. My kids had a hard time at first and are now doing so well it amazes me every day. It was a long haul. Here's how I made it happen: peace with their dad, whatever it takes.

Nine times out of ten, divorcing parents continue fighting, often for years, rather than making the compromises and sacrifices they need to make in order to bring about peace. Kids can handle divorce if extra distance between the parents makes for peaceable, mutually respectful parenting. This is the way they will eventually come to accept it and move on healthily in their own futures.

But sometimes there is little or no negotiating flexibility on the other side, and one parent has to lead the way by setting an example and compromising. Fighting for every cent of money and every second of contact-time is the worst thing anyone can do to their kids. Their world is already splitting in half, the aim is to minimise that. The adults need to put their feelings aside and give up their need to cling to stuff, money and sometimes even legal rights (which are meaningless next to real-life agreements between co-parents). This is hard, but it can be done.

I'm posting that there because I haven't seen it much if at all elsewhere. Very best wishes for a happier future as soon as possible.

I'm sorry to hear about the divorce. It's bad for everyone, but in the end, sometimes the alternative is worse.

On the Myers-Briggs…oddly enough, when I was first tested, I was an ENTJ…over the years however, my profile has migrated to ENFP. Not sure what that says!

I am also an ENTJ! I found your thoughts on our personality type insightful. The great thing about Myers Brigg is the self awareness it brings.

@ Chris-> From what I've learned about the test, we have a preference for certain behaviors… so our type could change over time.

Best of luck in the future!

I'm sorry about the divorce but agree with you about the resiliency. Besides the whole kids and divorce thing? As a child of divorce I think that having parents who recognize the losses for kids and help them grieve them mitigate a lot of the damage. I think the real hurt comes when parents want to deny the hardships. I for one am glad my parents divorced because regardless of how I felt when I was 11, I would rather have two happy parents than two miserable ones.

Penelope,
Think of every moment in time right now as your metamorphosis.
I have been divorced now for 3 years and I can tell you, it was the most challenging, enlightening, depressing, and wondrous time in my life.

I look back at myself and wonder sometimes how I survived. Even with a somewhat agreeable divorce, to split with someone I had spent the past 8 years with was truly like a death. Albeit, with every death, there is a birth, and that is the birth of you and your new life.

I can tell you, after finally losing the weight I gained while depressed and married and getting divorced (I'm finally back to my regular size 4 from a 14), rediscovering those relationships I put by the wayside (my family, friends) and more importantly getting back to who I really am….. I can tell you…. I'm living my best life now.

The pain you feel now will allow you to experience the pure bliss and passion that lie ahead for you….. It is the barometer of all of our peaks and valleys…

I'm living my best life now. I am who I am supposed to be.

You will soon enough see the power, confidence, pleasure and bliss this experience will bring to you….

BTW - Before dating again, I suggest you re-educate yourself on the whole male psyche…. Pick up the book by Steve Santagati "The Manual." It saved me from continuing to fall victim to the male mind and hormones. It's just a great book with a great reminder on how we should behave ourselves with those lads we so covet. A friend gave it to me as a gift, and I can tell you… it changed my whole mindset… or reset it for that matter.

Good luck and when all else fails - deep breaths always work with moments of meditation.

I'll be rooting for you. From this moment on, these will be your finest hours…

PS Ignore Harold. His message to todays post is clearly an example of the exact kind of BS he is accusing you of. Cognitive Dissonance is a powerful thang, and is one term he is clearly not familiar with.

I'm a borderline ENTP with a little J in me….and trust me it rears its head and does make dating and relationships tough when it comes to gender and mentality. But you, Penelope, are a unique breed but of person, even with out a test, and you will find a way to make these "letters" work for you. And plus, I think you know this, tests don't define everything either.

You'll be in my prayers as will your husband and kids.

as always, thanks for sharing something so personal. I think people can learn from your experience and it seems you've done a lot of thinking and research.

as a child of divorce (parents divorced when I was 6), i think you're doing the right thing instead of staying in the marriage. i have a friend from high school whose parents waited until she graduated to divorce and it was a major blow as she felt all she had grown up with had been fake. Me…I grew up knowing my parents weren't together. that was life for me. I didn't know any different. i now have 4 parents (mom/step-dad–who raised me and dad/step-mom) and it works. may be tough on your kids at first, but I'd say you're doing the right thing now.

I hope things go well with the process. hang in there. coffee soon?

Sounds like a tough one, but one that was on its way for a while based on historical posts.

While people I know who are divorced tell me that they often feel the stigma of failure, I often think — and would it be better to stay in a situation that isn't a right fit for either person? That is like spending your life in a pair of shoes 3 sizes too small and trying to grin & bear it. Surely not a recipe for success for either partner.

Appreciate your vulnerability & honesty in your posts as always & wish you the best navigating this next transition.

Just wanted to chime in with the respect for your openheartedness. I can't say that reading about your divorce affects me like it seems to others — after all, your life story often feels more like the anecdote you use to place your advice in a certain context and as such comes across to me as distant and somewhat fictional, though clearly heartfelt and true — but I do appreciate it, so here's the comment with me telling you so. Good luck.

Penelope,

I'm sorry to hear that your husband and you are getting a divorce. There's no doubt in my mind you made your best effort to stay in the marriage. You will think about things you said and did, think about the what ifs, and even blame yourself for things you didn't have control over. I know this because of my experience with divorce … and I didn't even have kids … so it is that much harder for you.
My best friend also got a divorce and I can remember my father telling me that I should give him some helpful advice while all of us were present. I didn't see that one coming so I can't even remember what I said. However I do remember thinking that every relationship is different and how hard it is to give specific advice without knowing all the specific details. It would be like going to a doctor and being prescribed aspirin without the doctor asking any questions or doing any tests. The shotgun approach. It will be painful but with time and introspection you will find the answers and know much more about yourself.
The investors (already invested or potential) reading your blog will now have someone with even more experience (perhaps more than them). It's not pretty but not everything in life is pretty either. Take care of yourself and the kids.

Just wanted to wish you luck as you embark on the next step of your life, as well as lots of strength dealing with the divorce.

Interesting, to say the least. I have begun a regiment of ginkgo to aid with mental clarity and acuity. Kids are not made of cobwebs. I am a 34 year old college freshmen with two kids, an intelligent and gorgeous wife, and I feel like getting really drunk sometimes. I had a very interesting experience earlier this week in my English class. It was called "peer editing", and I think I write better than my peers. You do to Penelope. There is the ancient Chinese proverb "May you have an interesting day", and that isn't always what we want out of life. When the shit fairy shows up, I usually wish for an unintersting life. But alas, my life is quite an adventure. I just found out that my family genealogy connects me to 4 different Mayflower compact signatories. The punchline is the 7 different ways that my family tree winds its way back to 4 different men. Apparently my family tree has fewer branches than I would have hoped. Whoa, and I thought double cousins were reserved for people in trailer parks.
Thank you for having an interesting life and blogging about it. I have to go take my second daily dose of Ginkgo Plus (made in China; may I have an interesting day hoping there isn't too much heavy metal mixed into this product)

Sorry:(

Hi Penelope,

Sorry to hear about the end of your marriage. I want to thank you again for sharing some of the struggles you’ve had, and doing the research to place it in a broader perspective.

It has helped me to think differently about how to keep my marriage and family life as healthy as possible while still pursuing a career.

As someone having kids later in life, it’s sometimes hard to switch gears and reading your experiences with and ideas about this has helped.

Moreover, there isn’t a good “road map” for how to balance everything (although my parents did the typical stay-at-home mum and workaholic dad thing, I’ve never felt like that family structure worked for me then or would fit for me now). Your blog offers that to me and so many gen x’ers now trying to forge a new family – career – life balance.

Hi Penelope,

I'm very sorry about your situation. Please don't think of yourself as a failure because it takes two to make a relationship. You aren't a failure.

You are a beautiful and caring person, and I feel lucky to have found you. You are an inspiring voice who helps thousands of people. Don't forget how wonderful you are.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. I've read enough of your blog to know that you tried. Take care of yourself. And get through this before you even think about dating again. You need to be a whole person first.

Johnnie Moore on MBTI:

http://www.johnniemoore.com/blog/archives/001970.php

I'm so sorry to hear the news. I was really pulling for you and Nino.

As a fairly new reader of your blog and a first time commentor, let me send my condolences, suggest that you exercise, whenever possible, to get rid of stress and let's all come up with another word for failure that doesn't imply 'complete life screw-up'. We're all just trying to get by. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Or like Winston Churchill said, when you're going through hell, keep going. PS You write really well. ~Bobbi

I am sorry to hear the news but frankly after reading your stuff for what 3-4 years (I can't remember when you started this..pre-blog anyway) I am not surprised at the least. I said your husband was a saint to well put up with you a long time ago. Not because you came off in your writing as a strong competent woman but that you came off as a big time self-absorbed B. I know you will take this in the right way too. Good luck with the new company and think about NOT re-marrying any time soon!

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce.

As an ENTJ woman who's been married for >23 years (but didn't get married until I was almost 30), it's possible to date and marry :-)

Being competent or a take charge person is not a problem for dating. It's a problem for living. (Some men find it fascinating to date, difficult to live with.) Which is why I dated many men once or twice. Some for 2-3 months. Since I'm older, I doubt I would spend that much time with someone I had no long-term interest in.

I haven't been in your position, so I don't know how I would react. But I suspect I would take the dating thing slowly and get myself back together. Unless dating is the thing that will help you get yourself together. If so, then go for it.

Penelope,
what are you doing Saturday night @ 7pm? Cocktails?

Oh boy, here they come, dateless Yahoo readers with short err resumes

sorry to hear the news of your divorce. but kudos on taking the positive, resilient view.

i recently had a life-over-turning event take place and remembered immediately that there is a reason my dad calls me "the cat." he says, it's because i always land on my feet.

here's to you landing on your feet, which i'm sure you'll do.
all the best!
deb

Thanks for posting this. You're a great blogger and your "personal" posts are always the most affecting.
And if anything I have to say could make you feel any better, I think the whole "fear of the ENTJ woman" thing is the stuff of the older generations and on its way out. I have nothing to support this theory but personal and anecdotal evidence, but it's still true. 8)

Well, could be worse. They could be from AOL.

As an ENTJ woman, I know that it is possible to be married…if you're with the right person. Took me a while to get it right.

Penelope,

Your life doesn't have to be perfect for you to be able to give perfectly good advice! I'm sorry to hear about your divorce, but having read your blog for a while, I know you will get thru it fine. Resiliency is what separates victims from survivors.

Joann

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. I hate to say it, but it happens to the best of us! It's so important to remember that divorce is normal now and the fact that your marriage is ending does not make you a failure.

One of my favorite Chinese proverbs is: "Failure isn't falling down, but refusing to get up.

Take good care.
Helene Taylor
The Modern Woman's Divorce Guide
http://themodernwomansdivorceguide.com

Penelope Trunk, this is exactly what I needed today: an example of someone else doing the brave thing in the face of an unhappy relationship.

Thank you for continuing to blog abt your marriage despite the criticism. Honesty is its own type of resiliency - I appluad you for it.

all i can say is, hang in there.

during the period when i was job hunting and getting nowhere, i had this post-it note on my desk that said 'hang on' and every time i looked at it, it gave me renewed energy to keep on going. thats how i persevered.

also, i want to thank you for all the advice you've given on this blog. i've used many of the tips and often find relief in many of the comments you make on this blog.

thanks for making a difference.

Penelope, sad news on the homefront and I'm so sorry to hear it. I'm an ENTP, and have been told I'll swim upstream all my life with men. Probably true as I'm married for time #3 and not sure if we'll make it. Yes we have kids and I have kids…but they are resilient too and as long as we love them unconditionally, most things turn out ok.
My .02 as a marriage failure?
Don't date seriously for a while. Give yourself time to do what you want and be the only one in the decision for a bit.
And love yourself greatly!
Prayers to you to be on the mend soon, kristi

I'm really sorry to hear about your divorce; I've enjoyed your blog for awhile, and I hope things get better for you. Know that taking a break, should you decide to (though, as another ENTJ, I know I couldn't ever stop working) would be totally understood.

i think paula g had it right. in all your previous posts i had assumed you merely wrote to portray yourself as the villain. but seeing now, you didn't believe that an apparent lack of respect from his partner (see: hiding your marriage on facebook) could emasculate a man. i shudder to imagine the strength it took for him to give up his career for yours (and the kids). and from your website and your blog, this marginalised him. well, i hope you both move on well. him, i hope to see him in LA in July and you, i hope to read more entries with solid advice.

It may not seem like it right now, but, You will come through this and out the other side. While it takes two to get married, it can be only one causing the divorce. I don't know what you are like in person or when the front door closes. You will be fine.. I wish you the best,stick close to your friends and crying from time to time helps cleanse the soul. As ever,
Charles

Hi Penelope,
I just started reading your blog a few feeks ago.Your complete honesty endears you to me as a person I would pick for a real life friend. I'm sure you have gotten a miliion personal anticdotes on divorce, but I'll share mine anyway. The night before I accepted a new sales job which requires 60% travel, I opened my cell phone bill. The truth of all that was wrong with the marriage,A marriage that we tried to make work for the kids, was all there in black and white. Mostly it contained my husbands new girlfriend. The same day my husband signed a lease on his new apartment, I hysterically gave my two weeks notice to my boss, friend, and mentor, of five years. I honestly don't know which of those two events broke my heart more. I, like you, had read all of the studies, and believed it to be selfish to leave a bad marriage, when the kids didn't know it was bad to begin with. But I have to believe that someday, they will appreciate my courage and strenghth, rather than see selfishness as I am afraid they see a little when they look at me now. We are daily redefining our family dynamic, and I hope to create one that "sticks", but in the meantime, there is not a day that goes by, that my kids don't see a strong and courageous mother rather than the tired and defeated one they have known up to this point.Well, two out of three days aren't bad anyway. Sadly, they will wear the scars for a mistake I made nine years ago, but they also will learn courage, determination, flexibility, and love. Good Luck to you on your journey. I am an an ENFP, and have found that I am most compatible with an INTJ, I searched http://www.plentyoffish.com using personality type as a freak filter. I found the most amazing friend, who though very different, seems to "get" me, and that's all we as humans want, to be "gotten." Of course this time around with kids, the stakes are much higher, and caution is in order. There is also no urgency to get married, buy a house, have kids, and live happily ever after. Been there, done that.

Julie Fawcett

God bless the children.

Penelope,

I am very sorry to hear about your divorce. Nobody ever enters a marriage with the intent to get a divorce. But, I know that marriage is a challenge, and sometimes divorce occurs.

As a man, when I got married, I wanted to give my marriage the best chance to succeed. That is exactly why I wrote the book Developing a Million-Dollar Relationship: A Man's Strategy to a Real Relationship.

I wish you all the best in your future endeavors and that you may find healing and resiliency.

Penelope -

As with everyone, sorry for you, but I am sorry for the loss of what you dreamed would be The One relationship which would satisfy your every longing and which you would help satisfy another person's dreams. In life you don't need another person to believe you are complete. I believe we were created for community, in whatever way we define it.

You know, as well as I do, you did not fail, you succeeded, just not in the manner you hoped for. Failure would have been never trying, you tried and ultimately you are a better person because of your willingness to reflect upon your life's journey.

I hope and pray you find healing for you and the entire family.

Michael

Very sorry to hear this P. Make sure to take time for yourself during this transition.

Matt

I am very sorry about your pending divorce. I find myself always inline with your ideas but I don't believe divorce is something we should take it lightly. It is not changing a job or come up w/ vision or business ideas that we should always be on a look out for. Our relationship is the most important foundation for our stable mind, health, happiness so we have the energy to dream the dreams. A healthy relationship keeps us functional. Unless a relationship is totally hopeless, I do not think divorce should be an option. I believe I can improve even the most mundane, dead-end job if I put my energy to but usually I won't because it is just a job. I believe I can improve any relationship if I want to. However, I regard a marriage commitment is something I will work hard for w/ my spouse and I won't give it up easily. Would u consider a period of separation, calm down before u both make up the mind. I have no doubt you both work hard on this but I am asking if this is final, really no way to make it work?

I am very sorry to hear about your divorce. Speaking from experience, it is not an easy thing to go through. I tell people my divorce was the worst thing and best thing that ever happened to me. You will be stronger for this experience. Focus on yourself and your kids. Everything else will fall into place. Thank you for sharing your experiences because it makes you realize we are all in this rat race together!

Penelope,
I'm a new reader to your blog and just wanted to take a moment to wish you the best of luck. You are a very bright and resilient woman and I've no doubt another door will open for you now that this one has closed.

Percy Wong, you sound like my dad. Take it to the bank: once someone is where Penelope is, there's little chance of turning back. And that type of question just makes the load heavier. Few people want a divorce, and sometimes it takes a strong person to do the right thing even when it's not what you would prefer.

Sorry to hear about your divorce, but hopefully you'll spend a lot of time reflecting on how your life got to where it is. Resiliency in the face of failure is great, but repeated failure are a sign you've got to change (How long has each of your career choices lasted? How well have your big plans worked out for you like moving to WI?).

When I got laid off from a job I really liked back in 2001, I spent a lot of time railing against the company, but eventually came to the realization that it was part circumstance, and part my behavior that put me in the position. Learning what my part is in the failure was really important for me.

You're really good at self-disclosure, but I haven't seen you really turn a harsh spotlight on any of your choices to help you figure out how you keep ending up failing. Failure to think through things like the examples others have given (what about the effect of your name change on your kid/husband, etc.)

Sorry - meant to finish that last sentes with "failure to think through things like the examples others have given will likely keep you making the same mistakes"

Penelope,

It is hard to believe that someone able to express themselves so eloquently could ever come into conflict. But conflict is part of human nature and divorce is an expression of that conflict. I've read many of your posts, and you have the strength and personality and know-how to make lemonade out of them there lemons.

I visited Madison when my brother was going to school there. It is a lovely place. A good friend also relocated to the Madison area. He has a better, higher paying job, and a lower cost of living than Massachusetts. Some have the ability to adapt, and others keep doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result.

Most people will never admit to failure, believing it a reflection on themselves or their abilities. You acknowledge failure as a part of the learning and growing process. That's a great message to all of us.

jim, For your information, I live near Madison and Penelope is everywhere. Articles in Madison Magazine, a regular column in the Wisconsin State Journal, frequent speaking appearances. Not to mention appearing on CNN. We should all be such a failure.

Penelope, sorry to hear about your divorce. Best wishes.

First of all, I want to say I'm incredibly sorry to hear that you and your husband weren't able to work things out. I've watched my parents divorce, then my mom and step-dad divorce, and I know it's ugly. But I am shocked at and disagree with the research that says kids don't know their parents are in an unhappy marriage and that kids suffer more from divorce than parents staying in a bad marriage. That is just insane. I grew up with a friend whose parents were in a horrible, unloving marriage. When my parents divorced in late elementary school, I was devastated, but she told me in middle school, "I know you're sad, but you should feel lucky that your parents got a divorce when they needed one. My parents need a divorce, and everyone would be better off if they'd do that instead of stay together." Ever since then, I've realized that most kids are better off with two separate, content parents than a miserable, and often violent couple under one roof. In fifth grade, my parents' fighting got so bad. I would hear them screaming at each other every night, and I'd run into their room and yell in vain for them to stop. As things got worse, my mom started coming into my room at night crying, and would sleep in my bed with me. Do you really think that was not affecting me and that I didn't notice my parents weren't happy? Do you really think a divorce would have been more traumatic? No. Their marriage at the end was traumatic for me and I'll never forget how awful it was. I had two younger siblings who fortunately don't remember it, but those bad memories will always be with me. Much to my parents' credit, they went to marriage counseling for a long time, but they should have divorced earlier. Them divorcing was painful and upsetting, but had they stayed together, I don't even want to imagine how bad things would have gotten. So, apologies for what you're going through, but please consider this side of the argument.

Having lived through a divorce and gotten remarried, the thing to remember is that YOU haven't failed now, but your union failed for whatever reason…Don't blame yourself or see it as a failure. A marriage exists as an entity separate from the two people, as much as it is about the two people…Who knows if that makes sense….But don't see it as a personal failure….

Hey Penelope,

You're going to need a lot of support. It's the pits to say goodbye to someone who you loved once. Just remember that you will still remain in each others' lives because of your kids.

Watch out for denial while you applaud yourself over being resilient. I myself went through the whole 9 yards and am the kind who always says, "Tough, now get over it!" Give yourself the chance to be nice to yourself too.

If I can offer support, please give me the chance to. You may be the new kid on the block on this one but I've been here for a while now. Chin up kid!

Good luck with this next life transition. I have no doubt you will land on your feet, brush yourself off and head towards the next challenges.

Penelope (Adrienne?) -

As a fellow Brandeis alum (albeit a bit older - I'm Class of '81) I have always enjoyed your colums (and loved your book!). I always pride myself on being resilient. Born in the Caribbean, studied in the U.S., worked in the family business, took over, watched it grow, stumble and fail. Got married, got divorced. Moved to the U.S. to start completely over at age 38, I always knew that I would bounce back. You will too. I always say: what I've done in life is what truly has made life exciting for me. How would I have known if I had not tried it. This is going to be the most difficult time in your life, but I can tell you (married now and with two little kids who are everything to me): the best is yet to come!!!

I am very sorry to hear this Penelope. It must be terrible. But I am sure very soon life will shine again for you.

A big hug,
Luca

I was trying to think of ways I might have changed if my parents had stayed together and I don't know if I would prefer that person over the one I am today. I know that one person doesn't go against a multi-variate study but if that one person is your kid, it doesn't matter what the study says. My parents knew the odds but I don't think they'd ever let me buy into a chance that I would fall into those pitfalls.

Anyway, good luck. You'll need it.

Penelope,

I don't know what your husband may have done to contribute to the ending of your marriage, but I must say, if you decide on another marriage in the future or even a long term relationship, please make sure that he knows he will always come second in your life. Do not allow him any false pretense whatsoever.
We, who read your blog, know that the foremost thing in your life is your ambitious career and your blogging. And for as long as you remain "future oriented" I'm sorry to tell you that you will never really be content in your life.

Damn girl, I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce.

I am really sorry to hear this, and even more sorry at the amount of grief you take from people who comment. I mean really. It's ridiculous.

While you were not able to save your marriage, I wanted to let you know you helped me save mine. (well, maybe, the jury is still out). I sent my husband links to some of your marriage counseling posts and they struck a cord with him. It helped, and for that I thank you. Small consolation, I know. Were I in your shoes I'm not sure how much comfort I'd take from that. I've become a regular reading and am pulling for you. The positive people far outweigh the negative, remember that if it ever gets you down (though I think you've developed tough internet skin).

I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce. I've been reading your column for months and wish you and your family all the best during your transition to your new normal.

This too shall pass!

I'm so disappointed in you (and your husband as well if he also wants a divorce), Penelope.

So much good career (and life) advice…so much effort put into helping others…so much caring about what's really important (and what's not) in life…

…and yet; in the most important relationship we as humans can have during our short time on this earth (other than that w/God and his Son)–the one with our family; you choose to say "I give up" and "no more"…

Unless your husband is/was an adulterer, beating you (or otherwise putting you and/or your child in physical danger; and even still you should do no more than separate until you see if things can change), you have no justifiable grounds to divorce.

And to see you attempt to neatly wrap such a terrible thing up in another post as if it's nothing more than another career posting is so, so very sad.

If and until you and your husband decide to do the right thing–for both of you; but especially for your young child–by sticking it out, I'm canceling my subscription to your newsletter.

Which part of "In good times and bad," and "Until death do us part" didn't you both understand when you made those sacred vows to each other and to God?

Please reconsider your decision…and be the all-too-rare shining example of a couple who said "NO!" to getting a divorce.

If we don't have our families, nothing else matters.

Nothing.

It's not too late to do the right thing…and no…this will not pass.

To hell with any funding.

Steve, clearly I can't speak for Penelope, but I feel compelled to say that if hearing news of her divorce moves you to post what you did and makes you want to no longer receive her newsletter…buh bye, and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Based on your post, if your husband is BEATING you or your child, you should 'do no more than seperate until you see if things can change?!' I'd love to know what you're smoking, cause it's gotta be something good.

you see, you should have never mocked christmas

What a day to post this, when you're investors are looking. Make no mistake about it: this was intentional. Maybe there's an investor who wants you sexually. Maybe you want to show your investors that you can be strong in the face of problems. Or maybe you want them to feel sorry for you, no?

I loved the subtle hint that you are now dating.

I haven't read all the comments… I just want to extend the hand of sisterhood and say "hang in there." I've been divorced twice and currently married to number 3, whom I've been thinking of divorcing for years. I am finally getting some personal growth out of the situation.

Don't know where I read this, but "marriage is the triumph of hope over experience." Could also be said about starting a company, I suppose.

Go J!

Posting about one's personal life doesn't make it any less one's own business and property. And being free to comment also means being liable to be judged for your comments. Does Steve have a newsletter I can unsubscribe from?

Steve,

Are you referring to the same Son of God that euthanized lepers, beat the children, ostracized women of questionable employment and got drunk with the civil and religious leaders?

Oh wait…

Seriously though, the Pharisees called: there is another stoning next week and they could really use your arm - and could you bring bigger rocks this time? (they asked nicely)

Oh geez, that sucks. I've observed numerous families in divorce and have concluded if there is any way to salvage a shred of hope and stick it out it's always better than the alternative. But even love birds don't stay together. So, either way I hope it all goes well for you!

Penelope, I am sorry to hear about your loss. I wish you the best of luck and admire your courage for using this experience to try and help others. Great work.

I'm really sorry, but really respect your candor. It is never good news but does lead to growth. And though so many others have given the advice on how to proceed, I'm just going to say DO NOT let either of you make the children pawns in any way whatsoever.

Both of you are parents and both of you are important. My ex has marginalized me to my kids, I never put her down but know some day the kids will see things clearly. They will come to their own conclusions, perhaps not the same as mine, but they will nonetheless.

Keep it clean and coparent in their best interests…that's all you can do for them. and that's what they deserve from the both of you. Good luck on your journey

I'm sorry about the news. Hang in there.

Penelope, I just found your site and was surprised by the honesty of this post. I love it. Thanks for sharing and good luck with everything for both of you and all parties involved in the divorce.

Wow Miss P, so sorry to hear this. I too am ENTJ and have gone through a divorce.

My first marriage was to someone who was my "equal" but what I learned was there are some fundamental truths to what women need most (love)and what men need most (respect) out of a marriage.

Politically incorrect as it sounds.

I'm not saying this is the lesson you need to learn, just one that I learned later than I wish I would have.

This is the first time I've visited your blog, and I must say I am impressed with your authenticity. Thanks for everything that you write - whether I we agree with you or not, you are doing a terrific service for many!

So sorry about your divorce.

I don't have any feel-good, look-to-the-future advice. It's just sad.

(But I bet your traffic is up!)

I am sorry to hear about your marriage. I wish you the best. Just remember, in order to get through it, that when times are bad they always get better somehow.

Ok heres the thing… you are not that good of a writer. you are more of a pundant for career advice than an actual expert on it. The fact that you have failed at many things is good. I commend you on admitting that but it doesn't help you. Because when people look for advice, they would like to hear more of the success than the failure. They sometimes use that as a template or an idea to do better.

which brings me to this. I read your blog for comedic reasons. It is funny to me… not insightful

Rather than being sorry for you Penny, I'm excited. Over the past year or so there's been plenty of indications in your posts that your life was about to take this turn. Now the decision is made, I'm sure there'll be lots of new experiences and lots of possibilities open up. My wish is for your happiness and the ongoing well being of both yourself and your family. Here's to the wonder of not knowing.