Remember that article you wrote recently about workplace affairs? A boyfriend who is “generally out of the picture” sounds like a recipe for disaster. Because I don’t think Gen Y is going to be the one that makes polyamory mainstream.

Penelope -

I think one additional point to consider that you just touched on tangentially with Furman’s comment that long-distance probably helped out her career is that people in their twenties will almost always have different priorities for what they need to get done career-wise before they decide to have kids at 30. With the ease of long-distance communications these days (esp. free nights and weekends) it makes it a lot easier to accomodate priorities that require living in different cities.

I’d just like to say this post is entirely accurate and extremely in touch with the described group of people. I’m one of the “millennials” portrayed in this post and have been through the described 2 year long distance relationship. Currently we’re moving in together in the city where I work, which is in Europe. She’s from the US.

Several points that make this article for me:
- “It’s not like you can kill an hour together watching TV,” says Soohoo, “in order to be together we had to be talking.” — the only way to communicate in a long distance relationship is through talking, so you can’t waste away on a couch together. This forces you into an extremely communicative relationship where everything is very clear and you spend a lot of time getting to know each other in, possibly, ways that you might not have if you had been together physically in the first place. It’s a new concept of communication in relationships and I think there will be a lot of sociology/pscyhology studies in the effects it has in the coming years.
- “I had the security of the relationship without the responsibilities of a relationship” — this summarises almost perfectly what the key danger is of a long-distance relationship. You need to constantly be aware that the other person has a whole life of every day realities that you aren’t a part of yet, but once you are, along with that experience comes a lot of (emotional) responsibility that you just don’t get from the long-distance relationship.
- I also feel that Twitter is definitely one of the next-gen chat/IM/sms hybrid technologies that will certainly see a very wide exposure this year.

All in all, a brilliant post. Thanks!

Interesting article. I agree that it can keep those relationships going. The draw back is when they take it to that next step, the living together. Or even just seeing each other on a regular basis. Sometimes they get used to the freedom of not having to see that person, only on a weekend hear or there, and having them around all the time is a big change. Also, I have noticed that there is more temptation for people to cheat, as they don’t have to see the person and lie about it to their face, rather just talking with them over text.

Kudos, Penelope. I, too, am one of the millenials who has endured the long-distance relationship, and you’re dead-on in your post.
As I read, I reflected on my own experience - a year of living in Ohio while my boyfriend was in Alaska (we’re both now in OH).
We survived through all of the above; the texting, IM, and hours-long phone calls. But now, two years after being in close proximity, I feel like we’re meeting some new challenges that will be more common as these relationships become mainstream.
For example, when talking is all you can do to spend time together, you do a lot of it, and become very good at communicating. Now, two years after his move, we CAN sit down and watch TV for an hour. We have to plan dinner out together so we have to sit and talk to each other for an hour without being distracted by other things.
I was worried that we are less connected now than before, until I realized how natural this transition was and that it was just a new challenge we’d have to overcome.
I don’t think these are the same challenges our parents faced, so overcoming them will take a new gameplan, without much of a frame of reference to rely on.

All points are extremely true. Most of my friends are in long-distance relationships (some even overseas, so the two hour flight to see my boyfriend pales in comparison to a ten hour flight to London), so I would say that this phenomenon already IS mainstream. My mother didn’t understand it at first (”why can’t you meet a nice med student or MBA in your own city?”), but with email, frequent flyer miles and text messaging, my boyfriend says he sometimes forgets that we don’t live in the same city because our gadgets are so synched up. And best of all, I don’t have to sacrifice precious time with my female friends.

I think everything here is spot on. The one thing I’d add is that I think Gen X was doing this 10-15 years ago when they were in their 20s. I’m Gen X and was involved in a distance relationship (now we’re married with a child so it worked out) and knew dozens of people who were or had been. There was no IM until near the end, but there was e-mail, and great LD telephone deals.

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I think there is another difference, besides technology. Most of generation x graduated from college into an absolutely terrible job market. So the idea of relocating away from a significant other was less prominent because there were no jobs worth relocating for.

–Penelope

Being a Gen Y who went through 4 years of a long distance relationship, I would say you are spot on here Penelope. As far as a previous commenter’s thoughts that Gen Y is not “going to be the one that makes polyamory mainstream” is unrealistic. I personally believe that Gen Y will be more dedicated to their relationships. Personally, I know I feel this was because my parents divorced and remarried - so did my wife’s. Also, becasue Gen Y tend to be more in tune with their desires, I think we will be more selective of our long term partner to avoid that issue.

As a side note, that 4 year long term realtionship has turned into a now 4 year marriage with one kid…..so it is possible.

I agree with Jaerid. It’s pretty widely accepted in most GenY profiles that our generation is returning to “traditional” family values, they take longer to get married, and have more unfavorable views of divorce. If any generation has a chance at making committed relationships mainstream, it’s this one.

New reader…

Love this post. I just made the move to bring our 4 year long distance relationship to a peaceful resolution by moving to upstate NY out of Manhattan. My constant struggle over slowing my career pace in order to make my relationship work is finally over. My now fiance finally believes that I don’t love my job more than him. Major adjustments living together…We both LOVE our independence and are very used to it. We love being together, too. So we have agreed to let each other have our alone time too.

The time apart was painful and expensive (We made the mistake of adding it up one afternoon - whopping $30K. yikes! Can I expense that?). We have independent strength now that makes us even better together.

This is my first reaction on a blog-site, so if I write in a ‘weird’ way, it’s just because I’m not used to it (yet). After my first relationship with a man from my own country (relationship which lasted for 19 years) I found myself in a LDR head over heels. It didn’t last - after almost 2 years we split up. For me it was ideal, for him the loneliness was getting at him and he started seeing someone else. Now I’m having another LDR which is working fine. Long Distance in our case is 1.500 km. We see each other 2, 3 times a month - depends on our time schedules at work. I think a LDR is fantastic, but the distance shouldn’t be too long. It’s great to have your own space, own house, own children maybe, own worries, own daily stuff. And it’s wonderful to have a second house where you can go to, where you’re always welcome, where somebody is waiting for you. After my marriage I must say I am somewhat afraid of the idea of living together again. On the other hand I think that in the long run 1.500 km really are too much. Perfect distance would be around 50 - 100 km.
I must say that I am a very happy woman and I am lucky and happy to have a LDR. I live in two countries (Belgium and Italy) and that gives me the feeling I am leading two lives at the same moment. Obviously, there are evenings that I really miss my partner. But generally, I consider my life complete because I have a lot of warm friendships with other women who for some reason spend lots of time alone, too. The child I had from my marriage can grow up harmoniously because there is no immediate threat from my partner and his children whom we would have to share all our spare time with.

Penelope, thank you for the Very interesting article.

In my work with LDR-couples I very often discover that knowing when a relationship is a dead-end is very rare. It almost never happens beforehand. Unfortunately many notice after years of frustration, suffering and deprivations. Dead ducks don’t quack. After that it’s often very painful.

But let us be honest here: very few of us have the strength to let go a promising long distance relationship, just because the circumstances are not right. That why I think your “3.” is the most important part of your article.

Eddie

Thank you the interesting article. Currently I am surviving a 5 year long distance relationship. It is very hard but we have plans to move in together after he finishes his ph.d and hopefully we will before I begin mine.

Long Distance relationships are tough, very, very tough. That is the challenge that people face. If you stay in regular contact and try and see each other when you can I think it can work. it depends a lot on the individuals and how the relationship was like before the distance.

Ive been in a relationship on line for over a year now. We took all the precautionary steps (talked for 6 months first via phone and web cam) before flying to see eachother. We fly every 6-8 weeks now. We have the fundements of an incredible marriage. Great conversation, communication, and respect for eachother which helps considerably. Unfortunatly we are on opposite sides of the country me in school him with a business, and are unable to relocate for about 1-2 years. Our only issue is trust. Even when we think we handle situations accordly there always seems to be room for capability to have made better decisions. It seems to consistanly “not good enough”. I know distance and frustration feeds this but its aggrivating. I think once we are together things will be more solid…..but any tips on making it that far?

The two posts above should be removed as objectionable. They were obviously made to embarrass someone.

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I took a look. The comments look fine to me.
And then, I was going to delete this comment, as irrelevant, but I couldn’t bring myself to be so intrusive. So I’m responding instead….

-Penelope

Penelope Sorry you feel that way, I was just trying to protect a friend from embarrasment as a result of somone posing as her on the web. Hope you will reconsider. Thanks.

I was directed by an acquaintance to check out this posting since I have recently become the victim of a jealous ex — a man who has not only been posing as me on the web but also emailing articles, links, etc to me and others using fake email addresses. Judging from the content and timing, this appears to be more of the same from him. I would appreciate it if you would remove the comments from your site and not post any more from anyone who claims to be “Kari Dean.”

I think that in general to maintain a long distance is not difficult. As long as both partners are happy with the situation. But when they eventually decide to settle down together very often they break up too soon. They suddenly realize that they don’t know the person near them, after long years on a distance maybe she/he changed or even never been a person they consider him/her to be.