Everyone in my family holds a different view about the Israeli/Palestinian conflict.
I used to track my site traffic like Google was my fortune teller. The top three countries for my audience were always US, UK, and Australia. The next few countries changed a lot, but often Israel was number four. My family is so used to fighting about the Israelis that we even fought about the reason for my large Israeli readership. Read more
Marriage with kids is co-parenting and ironically, divorce with kids is co-parenting: same decisions, same values, same uneven emotional investment. Going through a divorce just to co-parent from different homes wastes so much time and energy that some people argue courts should not intervene in post-divorce parenting decisions, which would legally call a spade a spade and make parenting while divorced the same as parenting while married.
In a divorce with kids, timing is everything
When asked why the Gates chose now to divorce, an unidentified friend of the family said, “They limped through until their kids were out of school like a lot of people.”
Most people realize that the kid’s needs must come before the parent’s needs. This is why celebrities put out press releases that say something like, “We are doing what’s best for the kids.” Jeff Bezos also made sure to mention he’s concerned about the children’s best interests. But obviously, divorce is not an expression of the kids’ best interests. Unless one parent is so terrible that they will be losing custody, staying together until the kids are grown is what’s best for the kids.
Selfish parenting is the saddest part of divorce
Then one must ask, what could possibly make Jeff Bezos decide he needs to have a new wife before his kids are grown up? He can do whatever he wants for work to keep himself interested. Money can’t buy a good marriage, but it can buy space for co-parenting, and Jeff could buy more of that than anyone.
Developmentally, this is the time for Jeff to allow the kids to self-actualize, but if he breaks up the family, then the kids have to focus on dealing with their pain and disappointment. So (giving the benefit of the doubt) Jeff asked himself: Can I wait to fully explore my own possibilities until I am finished raising my kids? And he decided, no he cannot wait. The better question would have been who is better equipped to deal with disappointment, parents or kids?
The kids are the litmus test for who’s right
Melinda, on the other hand, has wanted to leave for a while, but she stayed in the marriage for the kids. This is what it looks like to put the kids first. It’s easier with a lot of money: she can live in one-half of their 66,000 square foot house.
For Bill’s part, even in 2020 he seemed to adore Melinda – he can quantify it. But during the last decade, he has publicly humiliated Melinda with tone-deaf behavior like refusing to let her write part of the annual letter for the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation which they both run. He brought her to dinner at Jeffrey Epstein’s house which made her furious at the time, and still haunted years later. Then Bill doubled down and he misled the press — and possibly Melinda — about the extent of his relationship with Epstein.
Whatever Bill has done, it is so offensive everyone in the family is upset with him. The family knew the divorce was coming and while the lawyers hammered out an agreement the three Gates kids and their significant others went on a vacation with Melinda. Bill was not invited.
What problem does divorce solve?
The problems divorce solves for Jeff Bezos are clear: He needed more attention than he was getting in his family of four children. He needed more fun than he was having with his wife who was raising his four children. When divorce is very sad, because the kids are so young, and a parent is so reckless, there is nothing to be learned about personal development except: fucking do it.
When divorce is a long time coming because a person has the maturity to put the kids’ needs first, and the grace to keep the family steady til the kids move out, it’s interesting to ask what does someone with such deep self-knowledge gain from divorce? With Melinda the question is even more intersting because she has all the freedom she needs.
She said she’s not distancing herself from the Gates Foundation, and its structure will not change. Perhaps this is because the foundation is practically the largest donor to the World Health Organization and for better or worse now is not the time for a world health funding bloodbath. Also, Melinda and Bill will continue working together because they have their collective eye on a Nobel Prize for their Foundation work.
There’s probably not a third person involved. I mean, there is, but Bill’s ex-girlfriend Ann Winblad has been involved from the start. Bill has been meeting her at her beach house for decades, with Melinda’s blessing. So if their marriage can have space for that, it’s unlikely they’d need to get divorced for a third party.
It’s hard to imagine Melinda cannot express herself fully in the marriage — she has unfettered access to billions of dollars and international credentials to make her mark without a divorce; she didn’t even drop the name Gates after her divorce.
So the divorce must be very personal. My guess is that Bill has lost his sense of what’s right. Vox has a great series where they ask what do we do now that would be unthinkable in 50 years. One of the answers is that being obsessed with rational thinking will be unthinkable in 50 years. In 50 years we will require people to balance rational thinking with emotional thinking. We will eventually be finished exalting the person who is all science and no heart.
I guess that makes Melinda a futurist. Because she’s finished right now.
James Maher Photography
US scientists are scared to talk about differences between male and female brains, probably because it will get them fired. The loudest voices say there cannot be male and female brains because there are women and men who think in similar ways. Read more
I’ve been hiding so much that the only way I could sort it out was with a list; a list of things I thought were too awful to write. Read more
Let’s time travel back to the pre-Internet days of 1975. Long-distance phone calls were $1 per minute, so people received most of their communications via US mail, and Christmas cards were so important that the average number of families on a list was 300. That year, two sociology professors from Brigham Young University sent 600 Christmas cards to random families and then monitored how many cards were sent back in return.
Approximately 20% of the recipients took the time to find a card, write a message and send it back to the experimenters. That is an astounding number of people who felt obliged to reply. To give you context, today’s digital marketers are thrilled with a 1% response rate.
The experiment studied the rule of reciprocity – the strong social pressure to return favors. In the context of women, of course, because women send the Christmas cards. The rule of reciprocity has persisted throughout human history because it has survival value for the human species. Paleoanthropologist Richard Leakey said the essence of what makes us human is this system of reciprocity.
At the core of autism is a lack of social reciprocity. Autistic babies don’t reciprocate a parent’s smile. Autistic adults don’t reciprocate a friend’s Christmas card. Of course there are exceptions. Jewish people don’t send Christmas cards. People who don’t have enough money for food don’t send Christmas cards. But even those people reciprocate intuitively. Psychologist Amy Pearsons’s research shows that women with autism work hard to look normal, and they mimic the acts of reciprocity they see neurotypical women doing. Women with autism can pass for normal, but it exhausts them because passing involves constantly monitoring what is expected.
My son supposedly writes a story every day. We didn’t start this way. We started when he was supposed to write essays to practice for the European AP history test and instead, he wrote essays about how the topic is inherently racist and imperialist and we probably need another French Revolution. Read more
The number of high school seniors applying to MIT this year is 60% above last year. That means there are 12,000 more applicants. Harvard’s applications are up 30%. Duke is up 20%. Most Ivy League schools are up 20% at least. Read more
Our dog died. Well, we put him down. Put him to sleep is what the vet in Boston said. Maybe “to put down” is only for a goat or a pig. I’m not sure.
We knew Sparky would die soon because the vet wouldn’t operate on his cancer. His heart wasn’t good enough. He seemed so healthy so I told myself I’d get a second opinion. But he got unhealthy so fast. So I just thought I’d go back to the vet to see if he’s in pain. Then he bit the cancer spot and there was blood everywhere. Then I stayed up with him for two days. Holding him so he wouldn’t bite the spot more. I took him outside. I gave him water. Sometimes the boys pet him, when they weren’t grossed out. Then Sparky started snapping at us. Growling. It was clear he was in a lot of pain. Read more
Nino, my still-an-ex husband, got out of his really-just-a-mattress-on-the-floor bed for the first time two days ago, so that he could go get a test for Covid.
I thought my son would have the scoop on how to get a Covid test because he volunteers at a very busy needle exchange five blocks from our apartment. Read more
I was at the World Trade Center when it fell. Each year I write a post on 9/11. Here is the archive. Here is my post for today:
When Nino came back to live with us he came back in stages. We had been spending a few weekends together for a long time, but we hadn’t lived together in twelve years.
At dinnertime, we talk about when CD-ROMs were invented and there was no content to put on them. The kids ask us to tell the how-we-met story again. Read more