When my kids lived with me I felt like I had no control over when I could write, so I had to find happiness in helping my kids meet their goals. With both of them in college, I don’t set their goals anymore. So I’m trying to train myself to be happy when I write since that’s what I can control.

Meanwhile, I try to be an encouraging listener because I read that the thing that most influences college success (after the super-influencer: money) is parental encouragement in the student’s ability.

So today I was listening to Z talk about his gay friend at school who was verbally attacked. The friend froze. So Z intervened and told the people if they ever did something like that again, he’d beat them up.

My first response was, “Really? You could beat them up?”

“Mom, I’ve been lifting a lot of weights.”

I guess that is not the point, though. At that moment, he’d been brave. I said, “I’m surprised you were the one who said something. I mean, school kids get training to combat bullying, and you didn’t get that as a homeschooler.”

Z said, “Mom, I got that training from you every day.”

That made me happy. Because probably the only thing I consciously trained my kids in was to always come home for Thanksgiving and Passover.

As they got older, I got more specific. I told them that I knew I would have to give up holidays to their mother-in-law, so I didn’t need Mother’s Day. Or the High Holidays. I could compromise. But I wanted Thanksgiving and Passover.

There are some tactical problems with my plan, though. I mean, besides the fact that I can’t control my kids’ lives. The kids have school break for Thanksgiving but not Passover. This is the first year Z will be gone for Passover. And Y has a boyfriend, M, who I totally love, but he’s not Jewish. And I’m sure it’s the not-Jewishness that made Y decide that this was the year to skip Passover, as an experiment to see whether it still felt important.

I said, “Okay.”

I said it with as even a tone as I could. Not sad. Not surprised. I knew the minute I tried to be guilt-trippy or shaming, Passover was done for good. I told myself that this was an opportunity to fly to my youngest brother’s house. I did Passover with him for most of my adult life, so it would be nice to do that again.

Then, just as I was getting ready to buy a plane ticket, Y called: “Mom, I’m really enjoying my philosophy class. We’re studying cults.”

“Wow,” I said, “That’s a really different curriculum from the philosophy courses I took in college.”

Y said, “In class we talked about how an important part of a cult is the suppression of critical thinking and punishment if you question leadership. And I realized I’m really grateful to you for making my bar mitzvah about critical thinking. For my dvar torah I announced that god was too mean. And afterward everyone congratulated me.”

“This is true,” I said, “I was so happy that you had a bar mitzvah. It was really hard to get that done on the farm. Remember how the whole herd of cats sat by you while you chanted?”

“Yeah. So, Mom, I’m coming to Passover. It’s important to me. And I’m bringing M and a couple of friends.”

Right then I was jumping for joy. Happy happy happy! Not only had I made sure being Jewish wasn’t cult-y, but also, I’ll have a kid home for Passover. And friends. I can’t believe it. I’m kvelling.

I tried to play it cool, though. Because I don’t want my kids to feel like they’re responsible for my happiness. “That’s great!” I said. “I’m happy that you’re coming. And that M is coming. And I’m happy you’re bringing friends.”

I’m really happy. I’m happy that Z stands up to bullies, and I’m happy that Y is coming home for Passover. And now I’m really happy that I wrote a blog post today.

Scene from Umbrellas for Cherbourg (1964)

When my kids were young I yelled. Just a little. But then I read that any yelling at all permanently damages kids. I thought: Really? One time? That’s weird. Because when I was a kid, a yelling day was a good day. It meant no blood. Read more

 

Untitled Film Still #21 by Cindy Sherman 1978

 

I tutor this girl who is the daughter of my friend. Her mom’s not really my friend because she has sisters, and women with sisters are not friends with women without sisters. If you don’t have a sister you’re too needy, and brothers don’t count. There’s no link. I’m not linking to stuff anymore.

Read more

When someone tells me their child is autistic, I always end up telling them that they are too. Because autism is a family condition. At the end of these conversations people ask: “Do you have a reading list you could send me?” So here is that list.

Read more

The only way I find out what people value most about me is by having to sell something. Otherwise I’m just guessing. And I pretty much always guess wrong. Like I thought I was so great at writing about sex, but I only made money writing about careers. Now I understand why careers was more valuable: it’s easier for people to talk about their sex life than their finances, and careers are about money.

It took a while for me to face that I wasn’t one of the best entrepreneurs, but I was one of the best coaches. I could tell because even though I wouldn’t say publicly that I coach people, people kept contacting me to coach them.

Now, I see this happening with parenting.

I never wanted to be known for parenting. I needed to keep supporting my kids financially, and topics in business were way more lucrative than parenting. This was clear when I got fired from my favorite career columnist gig because I wrote too much about being pregnant. Also, I was basically a single parent, and I felt that being a single parent was like having a disease that all the married parents stayed away from.

Now that my kids are in college, I thought I’d be so excited to go back to an adults-only world. But often when I see something new I think: this would be so fun with kids. I have a hunch my orientation has always been kids, which surprises me. But most of the money I’ve earned as an empty nester is from helping families identify hurdles and goals, and setting up systems to get kids what they need.

It’s ironic because I just spent 20 years struggling as a parent. And the whole time I wanted to talk with someone who had lined up services and had a plan — for ADHD, dyslexia, OCD, picky eating, unschooling. I wanted to talk with someone who had taken their kids out of school without having a plan. I wanted a mentor who got their kids from homeschool to college. It was hard to find help for that stuff. So I did tons of things wrong.

I think we are most valuable to people in the areas where we’ve taken the most risks. Because everyone wants help when things feel shaky, and in that moment, someone who has been shaky before seems like they would have great advice.

 

 

 

Over the past 20 years as an influencer I have lost my source of income so many times that if you ask my kids what they want to be when they grow up, they’ll say: “a salaried worker.” I’ve had sponsors who paid $5,000 a post to talk about their product. I had people who paid me $15,000 a speech to talk about online trends. But we’ve also had electricity turned off and run out of food because you can never predict when a source of online income will disappear, and as an influencer it’s almost impossible to get a job — because your brand is too big for someone else’s brand. Here’s what I’ve learned about having a platform pulled out from under me: Read more

Here’s my newest flipbook.

You can also read it on Instagram as panels instead of a flipbook.

I had Nino read it when I was doing the final edits. Thirty years ago, when we were dating, I discovered he was a good editor, and he edited most of what I wrote for the first seven years we were together. Then we had kids and things became chaotic. But here we are, with two kids in college, so I thought I’d try having him edit again.

He’s still a good editor. But when I gave him this flipbook he said, “You should have given me a trigger warning or something.”

I said, “What? You already know the whole story.”

He said, “It upsets me more now I guess. I’m really sad for you. You have to find someone else to edit this.”

I did find someone else to edit. But I think I found something in Nino as well. After all these years he loves me so much that he can’t be impartial with the stories. That made me feel really loved. Like, all these years I’ve been through with him. So much disappointment. But it doesn’t feel disappointing to be cared for.

 

I forced myself to sign up for all sorts of premium subscriptions which I don’t usually do, because I’m so likely to forget to cancel the subscription before the trial ends. Of course, AI can remind me to cancel the trial, but AI can’t stop my habit of saying, “Oh yeah. Okay I’ll do that as soon as I finish what I’m doing.”

So anyway, here is the list of AI I paid for in the last month and how I used it. Read more

Reminder that tonight at 7pm – 9pm Eastern I’m hosting a free, live session to talk about autism. Here’s the link: https://us06web.zoom.us/j/82800295802?pwd=LfTfUHmWnqbbQdLJCbD9U8Wd7L571A.1

The platitudes about autism being a gift miss the more important point that pretty much every major movement, invention, and breakthrough has been from someone autistic. Here’s the science behind why that is true: Read more

Electronic Superhighway by Nam June Paik

In the 80s my teacher asked, “How did it happen that the Republican party ended slavery yet Black people are Democrats?” That was his introduction to the process of party realignment in the US. In the 1960s the Democrats supported Civil Rights and the party lines were redrawn. And the teacher told us we are due for another Read more

© 2023 Penelope Trunk