Life adage: If you’re not comfortable showing your true self then you probably have a disconnect between who you are and who you want to be. You really need to address that before it derails not only your career but also your relationships.

Here are three ways to make sure you stick to who you are when you interview:

1. Recognize that who you are is a moving target.
I find that showing my true self stems from knowing my true self. I am always learning about who I am, and then I always have to how I convey myself to other people—the two need to match, and I have found that it’s not so easy.

For example, we had guys come to put new roofs on old barn buildings.

The farmer told me that most of the buildings we are re-roofing are buildings people around here would tear down. People build new, shiny metal buildings now. Our yard full of old, wooden sheds, is something between a historic monument and an abandoned farm.

I knew for sure that I love the old wood buildings too much to tear them down.

I imagine the conversation went something like this:

Roofer: You’re gonna put a new roof on that thing?

Farmer: Yeah, my wife’s from New York City and they really like the old wood barns there.

Roofer: [Shakes his head]

Farmer: [Makes some odd motion with his head that is a cross between women-are-crazy and please-don’t-talk-to-me-I’ve-gotta-go-feed-pigs.]

The farmer leaves and I see the guys are putting on metal roofs instead of shingles.

I call the farmer.  He comes back.

I tell him, “The roof's gonna be gross. Shingles go on top of a wood shed.”

“The guy said metal lasts longer.”

“It’s not period-correct.”

The farmer says, “We’re in this period. People do metal now.”

I’m silent.

2. If it’s not working you are probably not being your true self.
I’m silent so the farmer says, “Okay. Talk to the guys. See if you can change to shingles. But you can’t spend any extra money on it. The farm is paying for it and my parents will think you're nuts.”

So I yell up to the roofers about how metal is not period-correct.

They don't even stop working.

I say, “How much is it to switch to shingles?”

Turns out they'd have to throw out the metal.

I want to be an accommodating, don’t-rock-the-boat farmer’s wife. I want to just let them go ahead, but I can’t stop having ideas, and I’ll have to look at this roof every day for the rest of my life.

I try to use a nice, non-threatening voice: “Can I call the place you buy the metal from to see if they’ll take it back?”

I call. It doesn’t work. And really, trying to be nonthreatening was a nonstarter for getting someone to take the metal back.

The thing is, I’m glad I tried. At least I know now that there was no way to get a shingle roof. And it feels good to be annoying and pushy because that’s who I am. I think maybe people here in farmland are getting used to it. I like to think they are charmed. Or at least curious.

3. Don’t let the type of person you’re dealing with change the person you are.
So right in the middle of me trying to figure out if I can be my regular self or if I need to be a little nicer and maybe ask people about the weather a little more often—right when I’m trying to figure that out, I get this email from executive search specialist Kathy Harris, about how to be your real self in an interview no matter what sort of person you are facing across the table.

I think everyone we talk with fits into one of these categories — even the roofers (which I think fall into Kathy's "disinterested" category). So here I give you Kathy's list of the types of people you might face, and how to best respond to them:

Autocratic – This domineering style might put you on edge or distract you with concerns about the work environment under this type of authority. Don’t take it personally or let it throw you off. Even the most approachable CEO can have a bad day or quirky interview style. It’s not necessarily reflective of their management style. Candidates should almost over prepare for interviews by researching the company, key executives and initiatives. It’s not just enough to look at the website and know revenues and industry position. Candidates who prep by rehearsing their key messages and questions for the interviewer are more confident and less likely to be caught off guard.

Folksy/Neighborly – This overly casual style might make you lose focus or feel so comfortable you let the conversation drift to off-topic matters. This can be especially deadly – it’s still an interview. Smile and look for a segue to bring the conversation back to the company and position. “I can see why people like working here. You’ve reinforced my desire to join and make a contribution to this organization. Please tell me more about some of your top initiatives.”

Uninterested – This distracted style might make you wonder if they are even seriously considering you for the position, or perhaps they are just going through the motions for some unknown reason. Keep in mind that a busy executive wouldn’t spend time in an interview for no reason. They may have come from a difficult meeting, be trying to solve another problem, or haven’t had time to thoroughly review your resume. They are listening and you’re in their office. Stick to your plan.

Salesy – This “look at everything we can do for you” style might make you feel this is a slam dunk and leave you complacent. Don’t get overconfident – you don’t have the job yet. Most senior hires are consensus decisions made by a team. It’s important to give them the answer to the question “Why hire him?” that will inevitably come later.

Brick Wall – This hard-to-grasp style might be frustrating in its lack of feedback. You just can’t get a ‘read’ on them and think to yourself "who is this person?" This is where preparation builds the confidence to speak to the value you bring to the organization. Keep it business-like and professional. A good question to ask is what do they see as the greatest challenge facing the company at the present time.  Sometimes even senior people need an icebreaker.

Contrarian – This style seems to be just plain argumentative. This is especially tough for candidates to get past. I’ve known organizations where an interviewer intentionally takes this position to see how candidates react in difficult or stressful situations. Will they lose their cool? Become agitated or distracted? Smile. Take a breath and think “Teflon.”

For a while, I thought that the farm is really what I fell in love with. I felt an overwhelming sense that I belonged on this farm from the moment I got out of my car.

But also, the moment I got out of my car, I fell in love with the farmer.

And I did not fall in love with the farmer when I went to check him out at the farmer’s market before I agreed to drive out to his farm. Which tells me that love at first sight is a combination of things: the right setting and right person.

I had love at first sight with my first husband, too. I remember seeing him in a group. I remember asking him if he’s Jewish (very important to me then – I wanted to raise Jewish kids) and I remember us being surrounded by the smartest people in LA who were trying to figure out nonlinear media before anyone had even heard of the Internet.

The setting of smart people talking about ideas primed me to fall in love, like the farm setting primed me the next time.

This started getting me thinking about how you fall in love at work. With your job. I think it’s also love at first sight.

When people are interviewing each other face to face, it’s clear that all the candidates are qualified—everyone has been screened to know that the potential employees are skilled enough, the potential company is interesting enough, the job is a decent enough fit. So that leaves chemistry as the important thing in an interview. And I think it works similarly to falling in love.

The obvious corollary, of course, is looks. We are can’t help choosing to work with people who we think are good-looking. It’s against the law, yes, I know. But we do it anyway, often subconsciously.

The idea that our love-at-first-sight tools work similarly for other relationships is not that far-fetched.  First, it’s clear that researchers at Ohio State University found that after just a few minutes of meeting someone face-to-face, people decide what sort of relationship they want to have with that person. And that decision is a good predictor of what will happen in the future between the two people because people act in accordance with their decision.

Here are ways to apply what we know about love at first sight to getting the job you want:

1.     Interviews during ovulation are bad.
Women are more likely to fall in love with a man when ovulating. But ovulation changes the type of man women seek. Women prefer gender stereotypes during ovulation—which means not only a square jaw, but a dominant caretaker and a poor-communicator –questionable traits to seek in a co-worker.

2.     Telling someone you really want them is good.
You are more likely to have love at first sight if the person likes you. We are naturally more attracted to people who give us cues that they are attracted to us. So telling the interviewer how much you really really want the job is not optional.

3.     When discussing your skills, focus on complementary not similar.
We are genetically predisposed to fall in love with someone not like us—it keeps the gene pool safe. So when you want someone to fall in love with the idea of working with you, focus on personality characteristics you offer them that they don’t already have.

We all know that love at first sight does not mean love forever. And it doesn’t necessarily mean good for you, either. But love at first sight is fun and exciting and invigorating, and I’m certain it’s good for the workplace—that is, if it is possible to have love at first sight with the idea of working with someone.

I'm getting married to the farmer. Yep. April 17. Well, not really. I mean, I can't totally get married because at the beginning of Brazen Careerist, I funded the company by not paying my taxes, so I owe a ton of taxes, and if the farmer and I got married, the IRS would put a lien on his farm.

So we are having an unofficial wedding. Very small. I would tell you how small, but I am not allowed to write details about the farmer's family. Suffice it to say that on my side, only two people are coming.

And my kids. The kids really want to see a wedding. They would actually like to see me dressed like Cinderella. Because that's what they know about weddings and princesses, two things that my kids are pretty sure go together. Instead, we will just go out to dinner and bring a wedding cake. The cake will be extravagant, and that's what will let the kids know something big has happened.

The event will be in Iowa. Well, sort of. In Iowa, if you just exchange rings, with no vows, you are still legally married. In Wisconsin, there's no common law marriage. So we are exchanging rings in Wisconsin and having dinner in Iowa. It's like bar hopping, midwest style.

So anyway, I want to tell you that I'm not the kind of girl who stops working to plan my wedding. And it's true, I'm not. But the kids and I are moving to the farm in the middle of May. And it's a big move. And we're remodeling the kitchen and bathroom. And that's why I'm not posting on the blog.

I wish I were posting on the blog. Because my dream life is living on the farm and posting on my blog.

But right now, it's true, I'm only announcing webinars and then praying that I don't do anything inappropriate when I'm actually doing the webinar. I promise I will start posting again. I just need to pick out a bathtub and a sink.

Meanwhile, in webinar land, the topic is how to interview. I think it's actually something catchy like three things to do in an interview to get the job. I told Ryan Paugh the catchy topic, and then I promptly forgot it when the electrician came. I wonder if when I don't answer the phone because I'm with the electrician, Ryan Paugh thinks I don't answer the phone because I'm thinking really hard about doing a great webinar.

Wait. I almost forgot a link! Here: Sign up for the webinar here. It's Thursday, March 25 at 9pm eastern.

Here's why you should go to the webinar. Because the people who hate me most hate me because they say I don't really do anything, I just talk a good game.

So let's say they're right. Then all of them should be listening to this webinar because I'm going to tell you how to talk a good game. After all, what else is the interview? It's convincing people they are gonna love working with you. I'm great at that.

Also, we'll run through questions that I get asked all the time. How to negotiate salary, how to deal with getting fired from the last job, how to deal with references when your boss doesn't know your job hunting. And I'll answer your questions, as you ask them in the webinar.

And you guys can also tell me if you think that pink in the bedroom is emasculating. The farmer says it is. He says that he read about a football team that painted the opposing team's locker room pink. That's his evidence. I think that pink is good feng shui — it makes the relationship better. This would be a good time for links to the pink locker room and links to feng shui sites. But instead, here's a link to the rosebushes I just bought for the garden.

The problem is that we are not taught to ask good questions. We’re trained to answer questions. But only answering questions doesn’t make an interesting life. After all, if you have all the answers, and you’re spewing them all the time, then you are not learning anything new.

Asking questions is how we get smarter. One of the earliest signs of a child with Asperger syndrome is that they fall behind in their learning because they do not understand how to ask a question. It doesn’t occur to them that someone would have information.

And maybe all my blog posts are actually about my obsession with a good question. For example, my recent rant about how blogs need topics is really about how a good blog is based on a good question. (My question is: how can we make the the intersection of work and life better?)

Today I’m going to focus on the kinds of questions that back us into a corner.

1) The question that asks: What is the meaning of life?

I think a lot about how people ask questions because I get them all the time. Often, the questions are so vague and poorly framed that I can’t believe the person actually sent an email. Here’s an example of one:

Hi Penelope,

I am from Bangalore India and an avid reader of your blog. I have recently quit my job at [big, international tech company] after working with them for many years. I would like to start something of my own but do not know how to go about it.

Can you guide me please?

Thanks for taking time out to read my mail. I will look forward to your response.

I sent a reprimanding email back to this person. In hindsight, I should have directed him to the post titled How to Write an Email that Generates a Good Response. Instead, I told him that there is no answer to this question. The question is so vague that it is not actually a question but a plea for respite from the inherent difficulties of adult life.

2. The question that reveals that you don’t care.

The questions that are most interesting are ones that create a conversation. My friend, Marci Alboher is great at these questions, because I love the conversations we have, even though she never likes my answers.

One of the most frequent mistakes people make in a job interview is when you switch to complete BS when the interviewer asks, at the end, “Do you have any questions for me?” Face it: the best way to ask questions in an interview is to ask them the whole time, not just at the end, so you can create the conversation that the interviewer needs so she can learn that yes, you are the right person with the right ideas for this position. If you wait until the end of the interview, it’s obvious that you don’t care—you have already had your conversation, based only on you answering the questions and having nothing to contribute on your own.

3. The question that generates an answer you can’t cope with.

I like to think that I’ve learned to be great at asking questions. I spend days dreaming up the perfect question for my mentor who I haven’t spoken to in a month. I want to make sure I ask a question that is interesting, and engaging to him and useful to me.

And I hear so many bad questions that I think I have become immune to asking them.

But it turns out that I’m not. Because I knew I was going to have a hard time getting myself to write a blog post today. Last year, I’d often go five days with no post. But that was when I was CEO of Brazen Careerist, and traveling every week, and also worrying that the company had no money.

Today I have a relatively calm life. The company is going great, and there is a new CEO, and my job is to write this blog, be a thought leader about the workplace, and talk to the press.  So I need to be posting more regularly.

I know that having a trick works for me, from days when I can’t get myself to go to the gym. Like, I tell myself I will go to the gym and just sit in the locker room and listen to my ipod and then go home. Invariably, if I convince myself to do that, I don’t actually stay in the locker room. I end up doing some sort of exercise.

So I thought of a trick for blogging. I told myself that I’d make a game of it. I asked my Brazen Careerist chat group (sign-up required) for a topic. I told them I’d write about the first three topics people suggested.

But here’s what happened: I didn’t like the topics. Well, some of them I liked a lot. Like, Karen Gaustad and Mara Lunaria both asked why we link to Facebook profiles from Brazen Careerist. It’s a good question, because I talk all the time about how Facebook is a network for personal –and often unprofessional — aspects of your life, and Brazen Careerist is for building your professional network. So I actually don’t know why we link to Facebook. I keep asking Ryan and Ryan and they say something which I will summarize like this: Wait. Hold it. I can’t even summarize what they say, because I can’t remember exactly, but I think it’s something like “You’re too old to understand” but I don’t want to write that.

Okay. So I asked a good question that generated good questions in return. But I don’t like that question. I try to spend my life not hiding from hard questions. You’d think it’d be the abortion stuff that flummoxes me. But I’m pretty clear on how I feel about that. Why to link to Facebook, though? That’s a tough one.

4) The question that has unintended consequences.

Melissa Mansfield asked me to write about how companies that are highly ethical and also highly profitable. She will think I didn’t write about this topic. But I did. Because we can’t control companies. We can only control ourselves. So I’m always more focused on how I can change the world personally than how I can try to require institutions to change the world.

The thing is, though, that ethical workplace behavior is based on asking good questions. They lead to honest conversations and meaningful connections and the world of good behavior is build on relationships like these.

Not that every good question leads to a great relationship. The world is not perfect, of course. Because sometimes you ask a question that reveals only that the person you’re asking is useless.

Everyone who got an interview is a potential perfect fit for the job. That’s how they got through the resume screen. The interview is about something else: how you think, how you solve problems, how you react under pressure. And you are never quite sure of the quality the interviewer will focus on until you get a few questions.

Until now. Now Glassdoor has launched an interview resource where you can report what sorts of questions you got from a given employer. This is a great moment in altruism, really, because you are helping other people to get a job without knowing how doing so will help you. So I like Glassdoor’s new idea right away, because of that. Because the very being of this tool assumes that people want to help each other.

I’ve sifted through lots of the questions and the first thing I noticed was that 90% of them are the kind you can study for. That’s because they are all versions of common questions, just like those I see in books that list the 200 most common interview questions (here's one). And, as always, you might think your interview will be a special case but it won't be. You can learn the right answer for each question and just tailor it to your own career.

You can also learn from Glassdoor what sort of interview a given company favors. There is a tag cloud on the interview home page that is a laundry list of interview genres: behavioral, brain teaser, technical, and so on. For example, Microsoft is renowned for brain teasers (here’s a book to study for those) and Deloitte is known for behavioral interviews (yes, you can study for that, too).

It’s fun to read some of the odd questions people get. For example, a question during an interview for a video journalist at Turner Broadcasting was, “Who is the Minority Whip?” And a question for an interview for a flight attendant at Southwest Airlines was,

“You have 1 seat left on a flight, and you have 5 passengers waiting on standby, a military man in uniform, a pregnant woman, a woman and her infant child, an elite customer (one who is a frequent flyer of SWA), and a gentleman trying to go see his ill sister. Who will be the one to get the empty seat on the flight, and why?”

(Answer: At Southwest, elite fliers get preference unless it’s life or death.)

The other information people can share at Glassdoor is which companies have nightmare interviews. Which is not the same as which company has difficult interviews. For example, according to reports at Glassdoor, Amazon and McKinsey are difficult, but not a bad experience. Google is difficult, too, and also it's an unpleasant experience.

With all this data, Glassdoor will be the harbinger for which companies are bad to work for. Based on the interview process. Because Google is, right now, notorious for being a bad place to work. (Note: I can't find a good link. But people I know in the know tell me this is true all the time. Maybe someone will provide a link in the comments section.)

I think the biggest problem with Glassdoor is that it’s not fun. People are very serious in these reports. So you might not be able to get that interview information other places, but if you want to read about the worst places to work, peppered with spice and snark, try the Consumerist. They did a final-four style playoff, with match-ups like Comcast vs Bank of America, and readers got to vote. While it’s too late to vote for the winner (AIG, is officially the worst company to work for) it’s not too late to vote for how the trophy should be delivered.

In either case, though – Glassdoor or Consumerist – both are fresh foils for the BS lists that pop up every year about the best companies to work for.

Then, when it became clear that the first company could say one, tiny bad thing and then make this person unemployable (because they had only worked for one person their whole life), giving bad references basically became illegal.

So that pretty much put the kibosh on the usefulness of corporate references. Yet people still ask for them today. So here are some ways to get a good reference.

Get a ringer lined up ahead of time.

There is no rule that says you have to use your last employer as a reference. Explain to a prospective employer that you are giving the name of a person who knows you well and can speak to the issues this particular employer is interested in. Then give the name of a ringer. For almost a decade my favorite ringer was my boyfriend, who dated me and hired me and gave me glowing reviews even after he dumped me.

Give a company you hate as a reference, if you have to.

Let’s say you worked for a company for a year and it didn’t go well. Maybe your boss was incompetent. Maybe you hated the work. You can spin that in the interview – just talk about what you liked. There’s gotta be something you liked. And then, when it comes time for a reference check, you can give the phone number for human resources. As long as it’s a big company, HR will be trained to just confirm dates of employment and title. Nothing else, because they don’t want to get into legal trouble. And, if you want to make sure the company won’t say anything bad, hire a company like Allison & Taylor to find out.

Don't work for a person who relies on reference checks. They’re lame.

Rebecca Thorman has one of the most interesting discussions about references that I’ve seen in a long time. First, she says that references are outdated because most good jobs require that you know someone to get in the door. And this goes back to the idea that a network matters a lot more than references. If you have someone referring you who knows the hiring manager then that’s all the reference you need.

Rebecca also points out, (in an impressive video) that rich people have never needed references. That makes sense to me: Rich kids have always had their parents’ friends in high-up places vouching for them. They have a built-in network. So today, social media democratizes networking, and it should, therefore, democratize the reference process. Get a referral for a job and you won’t need to go through reference checks either, no matter where you fall on the economic spectrum.

Replace reference checks with networking.

I think references are outdated. I think they are an old-school word for a network, and people who have strong networks and work for people with strong networks don’t bother with reference checks because they generally only hire people who come recommended by someone they know.

To understand how the uber-networked handle the reference check, take a look at the venture capital community. Their job is to know everyone, so they don’t miss a deal, and to know everyone’s weaknesses, so they can mitigate their risk. My favorite VC blog is by Fred Wilson, and today he talks about how he does face-to-face reference checks so that people are more forthcoming.

The first thing I think of is, Would that boyfriend have put himself through a face-to-face reference check for me? But the next thing I think is that no one would ask. You have to be hiring at a very high level to make this worth your time (Fred is hiring CEOs.)

In any case, this is a good example of how networking and references merge. And you don’t have to be in the VC community to see that if you are best off if you surround yourself with other people who see this merge coming as well.

]]> http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/04/28/how-to-deal-with-reference-checks/feed/ 62 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/02/27/three-ways-to-give-a-good-interview-and-one-way-to-shake-things-up/ http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/02/27/three-ways-to-give-a-good-interview-and-one-way-to-shake-things-up/#comments Fri, 27 Feb 2009 19:24:12 +0000 Penelope Trunk http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/?p=2211 I do a lot of interviews. At least two or three a week — ranging from CNN to local newspapers. And no matter where the interview is running, there are some things you need to know about doing a good one:

1. Be interesting. The questions people ask you are not really what they want to know. It’s what they think will be interesting. They would ask you about the price of tea in China if they thought the answer would be interesting.

So your job in an interview is to give an answer that is entertaining and thought-provoking and all the other things that people like. You don’t need to answer the question as much as you need to answer the need for interestingness.

2. Be short. The world does not have an unlimited attention span to hear how your mind works. So you can’t think out loud in an interview and have everyone wait til you get to your point. Your point has to start right away.

Also, if you are short then you are more likely to be interesting the whole time. The longer you talk about a given topic the harder it is to keep someone’s interest. In the PR world this is called “soundbite”. But really, you can use the sound bite technique everywhere – on radio, in a blog post, on a date.

3. Be conversational. You can’t be chatty in a written interview because there’s no one there. But on the phone, or on TV you can actually make the interview into more of a conversation. In a many cases, the interview becomes more interesting this way.

First of all, it tells the audience that the person interviewing is interesting in their own right, because you are asking questions back to him or her. And a room with two interesting people is better than a room with only one interesting person. The second thing is that the conversation becomes a little less scripted and there is more risk and more space for unbridled passion, on either side of the conversation. And spontaneity makes conversation more engaging.

Be upbeat is also a rule. I think. But why is this a rule? I’m not sure. I think it is like the rule about the first two minutes – or whatever the time frame is that someone forms their judgment of you. You want them to meet someone who is fresh-faced, chirpy and upbeat. But what if you’re feeling grouchy? What if you are not really a chirpy type of person?

Recently I’ve been experimenting with breaking the rule about being upbeat. I did an audio interview with self-confidence coach Steve Errey, on a morning when I was having a confidence crisis. And I decided I was not going to fake it on the phone.

Then a week later, I did a written interview with Gretchen Rubin, who is writing a book about happiness research, and I decided to allow myself to reveal that I feel pissy about the happiness research.

And you know what? I really like both interviews. Maybe you will too. And if you like those, then maybe you will also like the photo that everyone told me I could not put on my blog masthead because the world does not like sulking. But I love a good sulk:

So here's some advice, based on the surprises I found in the book:

1. There's one trick to all trick questions.
"All trick questions, even the really scary psychological questions, are crafted so that you will give a negative answer."

The truth is that positive people are hired more often. And in an interview, people can show that they are that type of person by intentionally presenting their information in the most positive way.

So get all your bitching about your career out of your system before you get to the interview. And each time you are inclined to say something negative, change it or leave it unsaid. Once you get hired, there will be plenty of time to open the spigot of animosity if you need to.

But you work so hard on presenting yourself in your best light in the interview – why not attempt to extend that best you to your whole life instead of those two hours of interviews? People will like you better at work, and your positive outlook will help you to make all your experiences in life better.

2. A thank-you note is too late to express enthusiasm for the job.
"A hiring manager's mind is made up in the first twenty minutes of an interview, and often nothing can be done to change that."

During this twenty minutes, most hiring managers are subconsciously screening for enthusiasm. Because people want coworkers who are excited about their job. Ironically, though, most people who are interviewing for a job go into that interview unsure if they want the position, and they tell themselves they'll make a decision based on the interview.

But if you decide to be enthusiastic about the job at the end of the interview or, worse yet, when you write the thank you note, you are way too late.

To solve this problem, go into the job convinced that you want it. Be enthusiastic about the job and get the job. You may decide later that you don't want it. That's fine. But this way you'll have that decision to make. Note that this means the interview is not the time to ask difficult, probing questions about the company. Save those for after you have a job offer. Ask questions that convey a positive, sunny attitude toward your interviewer and the company. That will get you an offer.

3. No one will tell you that you've made a mistake.
"No one will tell you that your resume wasn't up to par; it will simply land in the trash. No one will tell you that you said something that scared the interviewer during a phone screen; you'll just never be able to get that person on the phone again."

Part of the reason is that you never get feedback is it's too high risk to tell candidates what they do wrong: There is little benefit to the company, since they are not going to hire you anyway, and there is the remote chance that you will bring up a discrimination lawsuit.

The other reason no one will tell you what you did wrong is because it takes extra energy to take time to help someone, and we can't do that with everyone, so we help the people who look like the strongest performers. It's like that axiom, "the rich get richer" but in this case, "the best candidates get better." How to fix this in your own life? Ask for a lot of help from people who are in a position to help you.

The right answer to the question, "What's your salary range?" is almost always some version of "I'm not telling you."

The person who gives the first number sets the starting point. But if that's you, you lose. If you request a salary higher than the range for the job, the interviewer will tell you you're high, and you've just lost money. If you request a salary lower than the range, the interviewer will say nothing, and you've just lost money.

So you can only hurt yourself by giving the first number. You want the interviewer to tell you the range for the position, because then you can focus on getting to the high end of that range. But you can't work to the high point if you don't know it.

So if there are two good salary negotiators in the room, it will be a game to see who has to give the first number. Fortunately, the company cannot make you an offer without also offering a salary, so the cards are stacked in your favor, as long as you hold your ground.

So here's a list of responses for all the ways the interviewer will ask you how much money you expect to make. The more times you can fend off the question, the less likely you will have to be the one to give the first number. This works, even if you don't have the upper hand and you really need the job.

What salary range are you looking for?
"Let's talk about the job requirements and expectations first, so I can get a sense of what you need." That's a soft answer to a soft way to ask the question.

What did you make at your last job?
"This position is not exactly the same as my last job. So let's discuss what my responsibilities would be here and then determine a fair salary for this job." It's hard to argue with words like "fair" and "responsibilities"—you're earning respect with this one.

What are you expecting to make in terms of salary?
"I am interested in finding a job that is a good fit for me. I'm sure whatever salary you're paying is consistent with the rest of the market." In other words, I respect myself and I want to think I can respect this company.

I need to know what salary you want in order to make you an offer. Can you tell me a range?
"I'd appreciate it if you could make me an offer based on whatever you have budgeted for this position and we can go from there." This is a pretty direct response, so using words like "appreciate" focuses on drawing out the interviewer's better qualities instead of her tougher side.

Why don't you want to give your salary requirements?
"I think you have a good idea of what this position is worth to your company, and that's important information for me to know." Enough dancing–this is one last attempt to force you to give the number first. Hold your line here and you win.

You can see the pattern, right? If you think you sound obnoxious or obstinate by not answering the question, think of how he feels asking the question more than once. The interviewer is just trying to get a leg up on you in negotiations. If you give in, you look like a poor negotiator, and the interviewer is probably not looking for someone like that.

So stand your ground, and understand that the interviewer is being as insistent as you are. And it might encourage you to know that research shows that if you mirror the behavior of the interviewer, you are more likely to get the job. Sure, this usually applies to tone of voice, level of enthusiasm, and body language, but who's to say it doesn't apply to negotiation tactics, too? Try it. You could come away lots richer.

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Once you get there, you need to be able to package everything together for a nice, neat presentation that's memorable in exactly the right way.

Here are two mistakes a lot of people make — even people who are great at doing interviews. You can read all five mistakes at Yahoo Finance.

Misunderstanding the purpose of a face-to-face interview.
Hiring managers today have a lot of tools at their disposal to figure out if you're qualified for a job. The Internet reveals your history, and often the content and quality of your work; LinkedIn can provide a plethora of references from people who have worked with you, whether you actually provide them to the employer yourself or not. And a phone screen can give a sense of your verbal abilities.

So what's left? Whether or not you click with them — whether they like you. Remember that intangible thing that happens on a date when you decide if you like the person or not? The same thing happens with hiring.

This is what the face-to-face interview is all about. So make a great first impression, and focus on making sure the interviewer likes you.

Neglecting talking points.
When President Bush walks into a press conference, he doesn't worry what journalists are going to ask him because he already has the answers he's going to provide — no matter what the questions are. Such answers are called talking points.

Politicians want to frame an issue, so they listen to a question and then decide which of their talking points they'll use to answer that question. In this way, each question they're asked is an opportunity to get their own points across.

I once had a media trainer teach me how to stick to talking points, and it works for a wide range of situations — including job interviews.

You control what five topics you want to discuss, so you should pick five things about yourself that you want to get across in an interview, and each point should come with some sort of story or example. You listen to each question and then figure out which point fits in well for a particular question.

You're not George W. Bush, though, so you can't totally ignore questions that don't have pat answers. But you'd be surprised how often you can answer an interview question with one of the five answers about yourself that you've prepared. This is a way to control an interview and make sure the focus is on your strengths.

A great resource for helping you understand how to frame your answer for any question is the "The Complete Q & A Job Interview Book" by Jeffrey Allen.

Read the rest of the column at Yahoo Finance.