This course includes four days of video sessions and email-based course materials about the issues INFJs face that no other type has to deal with. You can purchase this course for anytime, on-demand access.
Melissa and I have a love/hate relationship with INFJs. We hate them because they are so judgy. And we are not judgy because we are too uncaring to be judgy. But actually we spend a lot of time being judgy about the INFJs for being so judgy.
Two days ago I was pacing my living room coaching an INFJ and it went like many coaching sessions with INFJs. I said, “To get started, what’s your personality type and how old are you?”
The person answered, “I’m an INTJ and I’m old.”
I said, “You’re an INFJ. An INTJ wouldn’t summarize their age like that.”
She told me about her divorce. And she was defensive and shut down and I said, “We can’t get anything done if you are defensive and shut down. Why are you like that on this call?”
She said she felt stupid for marrying someone like her husband and she hates having to tell people.
She is having the classic INFJ problem: she judges everyone else so she assumes they judge her. But I realized I have the same problem as the INFJs. I shout all over the Internet about how there is no reason to get a divorce and people who get a divorce are lame, and I’ve had two. I can’t stop talking about how stupid I feel.
But talking with an INFJ I realized that if I would be more sympathetic to other people then I could be more sympathetic to myself. The world doesn’t want to deal with me feeling shame. Shame doesn’t get people anywhere.
This is a problem I’ve been struggling with for years in therapy. And then I pretty much solved it just by talking with an INFJ.`
Also, Melissa with INFJs: She has a business that hires personal assistants for startup founders and people who are so rich they run their life like a startup, and she gets tons of resumes from INFJs.
INFJs can’t really do the job though because INFJs get deeply offended if they have to do stuff that doesn’t align with their values. It’s not a good trait in an assistant. But sometimes Melissa gets attached to INFJs even though she can’t place them.
And then she hired one. Annie. And Melissa loved working with Annie so much that she ended up sort of adopting Annie. The way I adopted Melissa.
Like, Melissa had to convince Annie that she should get married, just like I had to convince Melissa that she should get married. And I spent so much time showing Melissa the inevitability of kids, so it makes me happy to watch Melissa spend day after day showing Annie the same thing.
When Melissa introduced me to Annie, she had a list of things she wanted, but it was hard to get her to tell me what was on the list. Because like all INFJs, Annie didn’t want to admit that she wants things she might not get. But in the time that I’ve known Annie, she’s achieved those very hard things very quickly.
It’s fun to mentor someone who takes advice well. Annie not only takes advice well, but she’s been writing down all the INFJ advice Melissa gives her and making lists to keep track of it. Annie sent the lists to me so I could share it with other INFJs. Which made me realize that Annie needs a group.
Melissa has a group. I like to think that living with my family was the best gift I ever gave to her, but in fact, the INTJ group is the best gift. At first it was just funny to see her curating conversation everyday and assiduously moderating her group. But I started to notice she wasn’t moderating so much as kicking out the INFJs who mistyped themselves. Including Annie.
But we love Annie, and we want her to have a group. Annie needs a group. And so do the thousands of other INFJs I’ve talked to. (Note: INTJs who want to be in the group can do it via this course.)
INFJs need to see other people like them. But INFJs are sparsely populated everywhere except school honor rolls and my blog. So it’s very lonely being an INFJ. Not only are they the most rare type, but they are also not fond of exposing themselves to the world. Many INFJs can go through their life without ever interacting with someone like them. Which means it’s hard to even know what a successful INFJ looks like because you can’t even find them. But INFJs are success oriented, so they are at high risk for using metrics that are irrelevant — even toxic — to them.
The INFJ course Melissa and I did a few years ago is the most popular course we’ve ever done. So now I’m going to do something special that I’ve never done before: I’m going to create an ongoing group. After this course is over, we’ll continue to meet — online — every other week for six sessions to discuss INFJ issues.
And of course, we’ll include Annie’s lists. Because somehow, Annie has transformed Melissa. Melissa was the person who had to turn off her mic in the first INFJ course so she wouldn’t offend people, and now she’s the person giving Annie all the guidance and support she needs to find a spouse in time to have kids.
Melissa and I are NTs and it’s hard to make an NT a better person; we are not really people who want to be better people. But an INFJ is the person who can do that — they’ve infiltrated our lives and made us better people despite ourselves. Now we will do the same for you. It takes a brave person to pick the personality type that is most difficult for them, but Melissa and I are brave. And we hope you will be, too. Because together — you and us — we’ll be great.