My plan for going forward
I’m frustrated that I have so much traffic coming to this blog (about 750,000 page views this month) and I have this post about domestic violence at the top spot in my blog. It’s the first thing everyone sees about me. I want the post to go away. I want to post about how to write a resume in five easy steps. People love lists.
If it weren’t that I’ve already blogged about sex abuse, my miscarriage and my divorce, I’d worry that my blog will never get past the topic of domestic violence, and I’ll face blogger doom. But I know from past experience that being genuine with other people helps one’s career get stronger.
Someone wrote in the comments section that there is no domestic violence, there is only violence. But that’s not true. Because domestic violence is the violence that’s hard to walk away from.
I’m not walking away from the Farmer right now. I want to say that I’ll leave if he does it again. I want to say that if he pushes me or shoves me or hits me, that all that stuff counts as abuse. It’s hard for me to believe that it counts; I didn’t believe my dad was abusing me even when the police were taking me away.
But I have hundreds of you telling me in the comments section and in your emails that this is not right.
And I know that even if I’m messed up, I don’t want my sons messed up. If it happens again I think I could hide it from everyone, you, my sons, my brothers–they called me to tell me to leave. I could refuse to tell anyone, and do this whole messed up relationship in private. I know people do that. But I know it would show, on me.
When I was practicing cello with my son a few nights ago, I said, “Don’t look at me. Look at your bow.”
And he said, “I’m looking to see if you’re smiling. You never smile.”
I know I am not hiding anything.
So maybe what is left for me is that I can be the expert on not hiding.
I got offers from all over the world for places to stay. Finland, Pakistan, Brazil. It’s unbelievable, really, how many people offered up their homes and their guest houses to me and my sons. And about fifty people who I have never met in person told me I can call them if I need someone to talk to. I have very few close friends, so the offers meant a lot to me.
I called one person: Amanda Hite. I have met her a couple of times. She is a straight shooter and a little callous, so I knew that if I started being a crazy, crying nutcase on the phone, she’d handle it. Also, she works for herself, so I thought it might be fine to call her with no notice in the middle of the day.
I told Amanda I can’t leave because I don’t want to raise the boys alone, and I know I’ll never put them through another marriage again if this one doesn’t work, and they love the Farmer. They call him dad.
Amanda was adamant that if the Farmer touches me again–in anger–I should leave, with the boys. “Just for 30 days,” is what she finally said.
I can do that. I have a friend in New York City. Lisa. She has an extra bedroom in her apartment. She’ll let us stay. She doesn’t know she’s part of the plan. Until now. Amanda says that during those 30 days, enough people will call me and convince me to leave for good. I think that’s probably true.
Amanda is a recruiter, but she is a consulting recruiter. She spends her time trying to get people to be honest about why their recruiting sucks so that she can help them fix it. Most people who say they need help with recruiting blame the candidate pool, or the jobs they have, or other, external factors. Amanda helps them to take responsibility and be honest about their problem.
I’m drawn to her because that’s my message here on this blog: face your problems with honesty. So I want to tell you that I am terrible at intimacy. I don’t think I’ve ever done it, ever. I’m not even sure what it is. And I don’t think I need to tell you that the Farmer has no idea what it is, either.
So we are in twice-a-week therapy. And maybe we will learn something. Maybe we will save ourselves, and the boys and our family. Or maybe we are just in the middle of a cycle of abuse.
It is my hope that this blog will keep me honest, and that the next time, I will leave.
I came upon this blog just a few weeks ago and somehow managed to miss any and all references to Asperger Syndrome – until your last entry. I am the step-parent of a now young adult man with AS so I think that I know a little more then a little about this topic. I would like to suggest that although the comments that the last two posts have generated are probably heartfelt and sincere, I also think that many of the suggestions just won't work for you.
You write," I am terrible at intimacy" – really? Is this a newsflash for you? Of course you suck at intimacy; you probably can't read facial expressions or body language either. What about empathy or true compassion? The Farmer stepped over the line but since most people really don't understand the impact of AS on a person, no matter how many times you try to explain it, it is understandable that he would lose his mind trying to have a relationship with someone who lacks the capacity to understand what someone else might be thinking or feeling. You suffer from "mind-blindness.
Now as far as the therapist is concerned, if this individual is not only well versed in the complexities of AS but also experienced in dealing with people on the spectrum you can pretty much call it a day and move on to someone else. Trying any type of cognitive therapy with a professional that does not specialize in adults with AS will prove to be an uphill battle. Do yourself and your family a favor and find an expert. I wish you well.
As for my step-son, he is very bright and I hope that someday he will be self sufficient but I also hope that no one ever makes the mistake of thinking that he could possibly love them like they would need to be loved. He couldn't. It is sad but knowing it up front might just keep him from a lot of pain in the future.
Penelope, I once had a circumstance in which I had to make a decision about my marriage. I decided to throw him out of the house. After all, I was paying most of the rent so why should I be the one to leave? I carefully packed his bags and loaded our Plymouth Grand Voyager. I figured that he could sleep on the futon in his office or in the back of the car. There are perfectly fine showers at the beach pavilion. He could figure it out. After the car was packed, I had lunch with a friend of mine who is a federal judge. I told her my situation. And she gave me some excellent advice:
Don’t leave or throw him out unless you are irrevocably finished with the relationship. Before she became a federal judge, she was a judge in family court. She said that she could not count the number of times that a woman stood before her crying and saying, “I never wanted this. I never wanted a divorce. I just wanted him to come to his senses and start treating me right.” She asked me, “Do you really want him out of your life forever?” Well, of course the answer was no. I just wanted him to stop what he was doing (it was serious, trust me on this).
So I went home. I unpacked the car. We went to therapy together. I’d like to tell you that it was easy and I’d like to tell you that what he did never happened again…. but I can’t. I can tell you, however, that it’s been 10 years since I packed that car and our relationship is now probably the best it’s ever been in 45 years. Most people think that we are a “perfect couple.” (Thank goodness I didn’t have a blog back then!)
Only you will be able to decide whether you and the farmer can or even should stay together. But there is no such thing as a “temporary separation.” That’s a myth. You either stay and work it out or you leave forever. So please stop thinking about this 30-day thing. If you leave, you leave. And if you don’t, and can work this through then great. But no one else should ever judge you if you stay despite the fact that he shoves you, or sleeps with someone else, or (much worse) falls in love with someone else, or has a substance abuse problem, or anything else.
Everybody has problems of some kind. Going to a therapist together is the first step. Not being emotionally abusive to him or cornering him is another. Maybe getting him on an anti-depressant might help his anger issues. I don’t know. What I do know is that when you are ready to leave, you will leave. But breaking a lamp over your head or telling yourself that you’re only leaving for 30 days is not the answer. Hang in there with the therapy. That’s the best thing you’ve got going for you.
Best of luck!
Interesting story, Kay. My sister told her husband that she wanted a divorce because she secretly thought that would get him to quit drinking. Much to her surprise, he moved out and that was that. They are now in divorce court. He called her bluff. I don’t think she still can believe that she is actually going to be a divorced woman.
I’m glad to hear you’ve taken positive action relatively quickly after your last post. The only way it’s even remotely reasonable to stay with the Farmer is if you both immediately agreed to regular, effective crisis-intervention with counseling.
Even still, you know I’ve been in an abusive relationship and as much as I know it’s possible for people to recover, to have some peace together, I don’t think it’s very probable. From what you’ve shared, you and the Farmer have been rocky from the word go and you’ve both sacrificed so much to be together. While that may sound ennobling, to sacrifice to be with someone, a nourishing relationship isn’t like that most of the time. I say that as someone who was with a person who left me constantly depleted and let it be known I could never please them and now I am with someone who continually nourishes me and our lives. He actually likes me and wants me to be happy. The difference is night and day. And I don’t think I could have what I have now with the abusive person, no matter how much therapy we went to.
Also, there hasn’t just been emotional and physical violations from both of you in this relationship. You’ve shared stories of financial, legal, family and other dysfunction. These are huge and all entangled. Just listen to people who keep saying the same thing and don’t dismiss them because you’re afraid to leave another marriage. You’ve got your boys to look out for and no matter the love they feel for the Farmer, you’re the only mother they have, they have their father who lived with them before and loves them dearly and, as far as I know, you’re not legally married and can leave with greater ease (at least legally) this time.
Abuse is hard stuff to recover come and I only know how to recover from it as a survivor of it. I imagine it is infinitely harder for the person doing the actual abusing (emotional, physical, sexual). The one thing I know for sure is that you must keep your self at the center of this. That’s the only way it gets better. And it does.
One foot in front of the other.
Well, if you leave, just leave. Don’t get the police, or some over-zealous prosecutor, or some passive-aggressive social worker, involved. If you do that, he will be charged with a felony(assault is usually a felony. It doesn’t even have to involve battery). Even if he isn’t convicted, he will be stained for life. Why does this matter? He has his own farm right? But he still needs credit, and if he is charged with a felony(and necessarily arrested), he won’t be able to get credit. Why, because even if he has his own farm, he is now effectively unemployable. The people who loan money do not care what will happen to you, or what your credit history is. The actuaries (risk assessors/insurance companies) give them their marching orders. And they know that without credit, you cannot run a farm successfully. And so they expect the farmer will be looking for a job. They know this. Unless he can work for his family(whom he is estranged from?) or his farmer friends, he is unemployable. No matter what anyone tells you, the banks will not lend money to people who are unemployable. Heck, they won’t even lend money to people who have jobs. They only lend to people who have jobs and will never really need the money. They are a big reason this economy is a few steps away from collapsing.
I know a lot of people will hate to hear this, for good reasons. Prosecutors, police, victims of domestic violence, they’ll all scream that he deserves it, that they’ve seen the end result. But what I’m telling you is the truth. People have had their lives ruined for far less than pushing someone in an argument or slamming a door on a foot.
I’m not making excuses for the farmer. If he doesn’t get his shit together, he’ll probably screw himself up all by himself, with or without you. But you do not want to be the catalyst for any of this crap.
So here’s the thing: you leave, there is pretty much a zero chance of this happening again. If you stay, there is a reasonable(some will say absolute) probability that it will happen again. And even if you leave, many will say there is a large probability that you will come back. Either way, you don’t want him economically castrated as a result.
Right now, most of us don’t even know his name. I say it’s best to leave it at that. If you leave, leave so you can both carry on for the rest of your lives without an albatross hanging from your necks. Same goes if you stay. There is no forgiveness or redemption in society anymore. Unless some “dark matter”, cosmic surge wipes out every digital storage unit in the world, simultaneously, that’s the way it is, and that’s the way it’s going to stay.
Just move on. Don’t leave any baggage behind.
This is some serious idiotic, co-dependent advice. Fucking ridiculous. I especially love the care given to the employability of someone with a felony conviction. Project your guilt elsewhere. No one is getting “economically castrated” here.
Actually, Brin, what I’m saying is eliminate the co-dependency and walk, with no baggage. But I think it is clear that that’s not happening at this point.
I understand that many people have a visceral reaction to domestic violence. They are the folks advising P to get out while the getting is good. They are also mostly the victims and victims advocates, probably some police and prosecutors. Honestly, that’s the side I come down on, considering the probabilities and the consequences of making a mistake. I’m also not suggesting that anyone has been affected economically yet, unless P loses some readers because of the posting, but I doubt that will happen.
I am suggesting that it doesn’t do anyone any good to go down the path that leads to police involvement unless they have to. I’m suggesting they just leave and at least give the abuser a chance at turning his life around. If the police have to become involved, everything I said is true, and that’s just the economic consequence.
My comments were really not directed at Penelope, but at the readers who subscribe to the “one size fits all” solution to these problems, which invariably can lead to the situation I described. Sure, there are plenty of situations that need drastic intervention. But there are also cases that don’t. It is also very possible to make a manageable situation unmanageable.
And yeah, employability is a big problem in this country, worse for offenders. It’s the main reason our prisons are overflowing. And frankly, employability has a lot to do with increases in domestic violence. Ultimately this is a blog about employability, isn’t it? Or did you just drop in for the DV discussion?
I’m happy to see that P and the farmer have undertaken the most sensible approach, with the most promise of a successful outcome for the relationship, because right now I gather that, like most people in abusive relationships, neither partner really wants the other out of their lives. If that’s not the case, leaving is easier.
You can castigate me all you’d like, I’m okay with that, but I’d like to hear what your solution for Penelope is as well.
I want to write that I I know the answer to your problem, because I have gone through so much in my life and come out the other end. I want to do that, but I can’t. I have gone through so much in my life, and I have come out the other end, for the most part, healed, but my path is not your path. Nobody can tell you what to do. They can only extrapolate from their own experiences and tell you what worked for them. I can tell you that you might want to try reading a book that helped me called, “You Can Have it All,” by Arnold Patent. It saved my life and helped me correct some of my thinking, which was putting me in situations much like you have put yourself (not violent but repetitive abusive behaviors from the past). It’s a metaphysical book, but it helped me at a time where I really needed it.
Remember, you will attract someone in your life to help you work out all the crap that was heaped on you as a child. This person does not come in the form of an angel, but usually it’s someone who just recreates your past so you can heal from it. You will continue to attract these people (whether they are abusive, alcoholic, or assholes–and, yes, angels, too) until you learn what you need to learn from them. However, if you don’t learn your lesson, you will continue to attract the same type of person in your life until you do learn. Of course, what you probably have to learn is that you’re a valuable, worthwhile person who doesn’t have to put up with abuse.
A great therapist told me a story one time when I wanted to know when I would be healed. She said: Chapter 1: A man goes down the road and falls in a hole. He doesn’t know how he got in the hole, it hurts, and he’s confused. He pulls himself out of the hole. Chapter 2: A man starts down the road. He sees the hole, again, but he falls in it anyway. He couldn’t help himself. He saw the hole, but he fell in anyway. He knows it was there, but there he goes. He pulls himself out. Chapter 3: A man starts down the road. He sees a hole again and manages to walk around the hole, but he still notices the hole and how deep it is and how scary. Final Chapter: He walks down a different road.Therapy is good. If you’re brave enough (and you are) to confront what you bring to the table, you’ll heal. It may not mean that you’ll stay with him, but the most important thing is that you heal yourself, so that you take care of your kids. I knew I had to leave my relationship when my son started treating me like my ex, yelling at me, no, screaming at me at 2 years old. I did not want him to turn out the same. He hasn’t and he’s 19 now. But he has other problems. It wasn’t easy leaving and being a single mother, but it was the best thing I could have done. You just do what you have to do and make things work. They’re not perfect, but they’re better than staying in an abusive relationship. I’m not good at intimacy either; I’ve attracted someone who is comfortable with the distance. I love him and respect him, and I think he loves and respects me. Life isn’t perfect, but it is easier, happier, and more content than it used to be. I’m not sure my son will be spared the therapist’s couch, but I feel like I did the best I could and that’s all anyone can ask. I try not to be too hard on myself. His kids will be better off than mine, and theirs will be even better. Healing is generational.
I admire your off-the-charts transparency. Often it’s explicit, but at other times it’s more subtle like here when you just happen to mention having very few close friends.
It’s worth reflecting on the fact that you have hundreds of thousands (I’m picturing seven Rose Bowls completely full) blog-based acquaintances and very few close friends.
I believe intimacy results from two things – admitting one’s vulnerabilities and humbly asking for help. Taken together, “I’m afraid. I’m anxious. I’m lost. I’m stuck. Can you help me?” I don’t know, but maybe you’re especially expert on the first part relative to the second due to your glaring acquaintance/close friend disparity.
My hope is the therapy helps everyone and that you’re okay. At the same time, my unsolicited suggestion (acquaintances can do that, friends not as much) is for both of you to work harder on forming a few close friendships so that there’s less pressure on each of you to meet all of the other’s needs.
I’m glad you’re in marital therapy, but it’s not enough. The Farmer clearly has anger issues that have nothing to do with you. He needs help on how to control/express his anger properly. Get him to therapy on his own. For your sake.
What I firmly believe is that every relationship should start with an exit strategy. Not what you might think of as a pre-nump, although that could be included, but a real exit strategy. I uprooted my life to move to the UK with my boyfriend/husband. I have $1000 sitting in a bank account untouched that would pay for a flight back to Canada if I need it.
So if you and the farmer do patch everything up, and everything is all good again, you should still know in the back of your head who you would call and who you would stay with, not just in a situation of domestic violence but in case of emergencies in general.
Like now you know you need to call your friend in New York, not your dad.
I didn’t say it in your last post but I will here. You have said that you’re an optimist in previous posts and now I believe you. An optimist who keeps the relationship door open with your father, your ex, and now with the Farmer … all for different reasons. I think all three of these relationships are stressful in their own way and yet you are able to maintain them and hope they will improve with enough time and effort. Maybe they will and this is “the dip”. I don’t know. I don’t think any of us really knows. Having a plan is a good start.
P – I don’t like to comment. I have been reading you for about 4 years, and I see a common thread in your posts. I do not want to sound critical …I am not. But you remind me so much of a friend of mine who has been diagnosed as “addicted to drama.” She is on her third marriage (which won’t last) because most men simply cannot put up with the drama. Can you see a therapist on your own (besides your twice weekly sessions with the Farmer) to see what you can do about this? Most people tire very quickly of day to day drama.
P – I don’t like to comment. I have been reading you for about 4 years, and I see a common thread in your posts. I do not want to sound critical …I am not. But you remind me so much of a friend of mine who has been diagnosed as “addicted to drama.” She is on her third marriage (which won’t last) because most men simply cannot put up with the drama. Can you see a therapist on your own (besides your twice weekly sessions with the Farmer) to see what you can do about this? Most people tire very quickly of day to day drama.
You won’t leave ‘next time’. Those words (I think) infer that in the heat of the moment, WHILE you are getting hit, you will leave. You won’t. You will want (need?) to finish getting hit/pushed/punched/run over and take at least 5 minutes (but probably several hours) to process it. I think the body/mind shuts down during that time, and this is why people don’t leave while they are getting hit. They can’t process that this is happening again, at the time it is happening.
Also, ‘leaving’ does not involve quietly turning away, getting car keys, getting you and kids into the car, and driving away. Do you have a vehicle that you own, and can take?
‘Leaving’, in the heat of getting injured, involves some sort of communication on your part, either physical, or verbal, which would result in return communication from the other party, either verbal or physical. This is why I am saying that you won’t leave ‘next time’. That ‘next time’ interaction will need to come to an end. You will be mentally unable to stop, gather your thoughts and leave. No one can just ‘leave’ during that time.
The women who have tried are few, and dead.
Penelope,
I love your blog. Lifes messy – sometimes its easy, and well arranged and sometimes its a bad case of dejavu. Regardless, it takes courage to share what you did. Who cares if its the top post. It just proves you DO touch people’s lives. Whatever you write: you make them think. It’s good to be alive. Keep writing. I for one will keep reading.
Abuse always – universally – escalates. The “next time” might be too late. Believe the body of evidence, look at it unemotionally, and leave. It’s hard, yes. But what you are already doing is far harder, I promise. I am a DV therapist. I have seen this too many times. Please help yourself avoid tragedy.
“The next time, I will leave.”
That’s what you said, not out of context. So I think you need to get a plan. You can support yourself, so you can be confident. Consider “school” for your kids and practicing your smile while they are there. I KNOW depression. I know smile-less-ness, but I do not personally know abuse, so all I really want to convey is that you may not be ready for this relationship, or any relationship. I imagine that it seemed like the missing piece, like a cloud on the puzzle board that let the sunshine peep through a little, but really there are lots of missing pieces, but that’s the unique you about you. If you think this is true, then it’s time for a plan, with the primary consideration being financial security, and the boys. The boys.
Consider the farmer. You have not been happy in this relationship for a long time. What about him? (I’m not even referring to abuse.) I’m considering the myriad troubles in the relationship, and his life and the life of the boys. Possibly it’s time to do something for all of them.
In turn, this will do something for you. Your magic may return. Where’s the smile? Where’s the magic of Penelope? Go find her, but first consider the boys and their recovery. You will survive this. Of course. You know that. The unknown is not whether you will bounce back. The unknown is what happens to all the boys.
Your rationalizations are sounding tired.
You’re a public persona. Either get yourself out of what seems to be a not right situation, or don’t put it on your blog.
There are women out there who’re in bad trouble being abused, with none of the resources you have available to you. To tell this dramatic story and then cop out with, “well I’ll do something if it happens again” is to suggest that your story is more dramatic than real, and it’s an insult.
Hi, Penelope–
You know how one of your gifts is to use ingenuity to help people face their career demons?
Maybe you can reframe your personal situation by putting yourself in the place of someone in desperate need of a career lifeboat. What would Penelope say?
Try to look at your life with your two kids as your JOB/CAREER. The Farmer is your current boss.
Amanda (I’ll call this person playing you) writes to you to say that her boss is insufferable from Monday to Thursday.(On Fridays, he’s inappropriately solicitous).
Amanda’s asshole Boss gives the important projects Amanda clearly deserves to less competent co-workers. When she speaks up in meetings, ‘Asshole Boss’ berates or mocks her and when she tries to discuss this with him in private, he threatens her– or worse.
Amanda says that this drama at work is giving her migraines and straining relationships, especially with her kids. BUT, Amanda tells you, she’s needs to stick it out because the money is great. She says if he gives one more project to another junior, she’s moving on. But, she doesn’t have a plan in place or a next step. by the sound of her letter, you think she’s paralyzed by fear and too beaten down to do anything. Writing you is her first step.
What would Penelope say? How would you help Amanda reclaim her power.
Please know that I’m not comparing the Farmer to the shitty boss IN ANY WAY. I’m just trying to reflect in ‘Amanda’s’ situation, YOUR perception of your life based on what you experience and report.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE…
Bravo. You’re on the right track. Keep going.
By the way, I’m also a homeschool mom and I just want to say that you DO NOT need to put your kids in school. I have no idea why in the world people think that has anything to do with anything. To be clear, I don’t think school is bad – my kids will go one day. But it’s easy for people to act like putting them in school will somehow change your problem or make the answers clearer or spare them from the pain of it. That’s a lie.
My only relief from a crazy alcoholic home as a child was the 6 hours I spent in school every day.
Ditto. Minus alcoholic. But double the crazy.
I’ll try this again. Putting the kids in school, or daycare, especially, if they are really young, is a sure way to avoid sweeping the problem under the rug. It’s amazing what those little buggers like to talk about at circle time.
I’m not saying you’re in this situation, but most people, especially abusers or deniers of abuse, understand that teachers are mandatory reporters, and so the families will avoid this if possible. I ran into this a lot in W2W programs.
Until we hear from “the Farmer” very little of what you write can be seriously acknowledged. For all anyone knows, you are being untruthful or misleading. Your readers must believe that your side of the story is 100% correct…and that is hardly ever true in any disagreement. Ask any divorce attorney…as you probably soon will.
So many times I have related to your blog posts. I relate deeply to this situation as well. I left my husband and lived in a women’s shelter with my 3 children for a month. It’s something I never though I’d do, but I’m glad I did. I learned so much while I was there. Just so you know, I am back living with my husband again. The most important thing I learned was about personal boundries and how to set them. Growing up in an abusive environment, as an aspie, this was something I never understood – I’m still learning. Boundaries are limits you set for yourself in order to define who you are and protect yourself from other people invading and hurting you. They allow us to develop a solid stance so that others cannot freely take our power from us. They remind ourselves and others that we are worthy and deserving to be treated with respect. What happened was not your fault! What you do next is your choice. If you want to heal, it is ultimately your responsibility. As scary as that may sound at times, the end result is incredibly freeing.
I am proud of you for posting this. It is your blog, write for you. The topic has always involved you. Those of us who care will continue to read. And those who don’t, well, who cares.
I know you have received many offers, but if you’d like to chat with someone who knows what it feels like to have their past trauma and aspie traits thrown against them and called abusive, I’m here for you.
You’re off topic so I’m going off topic.
Just read your book (it took almost two months to reach Canada!). It was timely. My current contract is disintegrating and, at 33, I’m giving myself the big ‘WTF are you doing lecture’ as I am forced to cash out some retirement savings to stay afloat financially.
What I liked about the book (even though it was a lot of recycled posts that I had read) was that it encouraged me to accept that I’m in a transition state and that learning to get through this transition and not fall into a depressive episode or eating disorder or consumer debt (done, done and done) will be an empowering experience. It will help me face life transitions to come. I will be better equipped to deal change in the future.
So thank you for the book and I’m hoping that if this is a transition for you, rather than a cycle, that you learn from it as well.
FYI, if there’s domestic violence, the first step is for you to be in therapy ALONE. Not just couples’ therapy. You also need to look at how/why you don’t see the ‘abuse’ your dad did. That will help you put this relationship with the Farmer in perspective. It’s not your job to help the Farmer learn intimacy; it’s your job to learn intimacy for yourself.
As Dan Savage said (paraphrased), shelters, emergency rooms, and graveyards are filled with women who once said, “My husband would never actually harm me”.
So I would say to you: shelters, emergency rooms, and graveyards are filled with women who once said, “This doesn’t count as abuse”.
Or, “Next time this happens, I’m leaving”.
I hate my husband today.
He really can be quite nasty.
But then I have to take responsibility for making him that way.
I have all the same ‘things’ on the go as you. AS married, intimacy issues two kids, self employed, just a little older than you and quite nuts. (in a good way)
We did therapy, twice now, and both times I came to the same conclusion. I can’t do anything about the way he is, I can only influence the way he behaves towards me.
Mostly I do this by taking as little notice of him as possible. If I don;t rise to the bait the chances are the issue will be forgotten in half an hour and we will have tea together or some other domestic activity, instead of spending time with him trying to run away and me sitting on the bonnet of his car bending the wipers in frustration.
Sometimes he needs to assert himself so badly against the crying frustrated mess that is threatening to explode all over his nice neat little life that he has tried to physically restrain/dominate me.
I don’t think he understands the hurt he causes and he is frighted of the consequences of trying to interact with me about stuff he just doesn’t understand.
I am frightened of wasting my life on a man who can barely cope with the daily task of living with an AS woman and her equally different kids.
But when I stop caring what he thinks of us and treat him with kindness and ignore his weird need to control and complain about everything, we have a good life. The kids love him and have their own opinion of him which is his responsibility, not mine.
It’s hard not to get sucked into the awful situations that lead to the possibility of violence. But it’s not impossible. These days I go sit outside and take time to form a strategy before I have to tackle a difficult problem with him. If it goes wrong, I have to leave and come back to it later. Sometimes it just doesn’t work, like today, but I didn’t frighten him enough to make him want to defend himself. And in the silence left my my lack of fight, he will get his head around the problem and try to make amends in his own way. He is just as limited as I am, we both struggle, but It works best if I take responsibility for the outcome.
This is a terrible rambling post……but I guess I’m saying it’s in your own hands to change the situation. You can create strategies and manage the difficult stuff, just like you’d manage a difficult client. It’s just a mindset.
Nobody has to leave………….Unless they want to :D
Penelope, I’m so glad you’re staying. And I’m so glad you both are in counseling. I think it’s important that you both realize your responsibilities in this. No, it’s not right that the Farmer was physically abusive. And it’s also just as equally not right that you are emotionally abusive. You both need to assume more responsibility for your marriage and the environment you’re raising your kids.
Penelope, your upbringing and your Aspergers is not an excuse. You’ve got to figure out how to live with this for the sake of your children.
Here’s my question: What is The Farmer’s reaction to you making this information public? I’m not asking in any sort of accusatory way. I’m truly just curious. He can’t be happy about this. Am I correct?
Here’s my question: What is The Farmer’s reaction to you making this information public? I’m not asking in any sort of accusatory way. I’m truly just curious. He can’t be happy about this. Am I correct?
Hi Penelope,
I hope this note finds you at peace. Your domestic abuse hit a chord for me because I have a family member whom was in an abusive relationship. They both knew how to push each others button until fits were flying . Two weeks before their wedding I was there when he started hitting her and I jumped him. He pushed me to the floor and the fight stopped but two weeks later she married him. I decided not to get involved because I would be the bad guy. I told her I will be there for you if you ever decide to leave him. It took her almost 10 years and two children later. I was part of their lives during those years and they never fought in front of me. Because next time I would call the cops. They were both guilty. They brought the worse on each other and the kids saw it. She finally left him one day when he dragged her by her hair in front of the kids. She and the kids came to live at my place for 6 months until she got her own place.
If this continues you know what to do. And people can tell you what to do until they’re blue in the face, but you will either stay or leave. And deal with the consequences. It’s your life and NO ONE can live it for you. Honesty is what we’re willing to see and deal with.
It’s interesting that you finish with…
“It is my hope that this blog will keep me honest, and that the next time, I will leave.”
Are you expecting a next time? Because my hope is that if you were to leave is because you want to and not have to. And that there will never be a next time.
Best,
Evelyn
Don’t worry about your blog. Those of us who are always here will always be here for whatever you post about. (as long as we have internet of course). You are a great writer so it doesn’t matter really if it is about family incest and abuse or corporate incest and abuse. You write. We read.
I wish you all the best and am out here rooting for you that it all works out.
I second that: I had a baby 4 weeks ago and, whenever I get a couple extra minutes, I check your blog for something new. You give me something interesting to think about when I’m covered in spit up!
And I’m rooting for you too, Penelope.
Dear Penelope,
A few random comments that I hope you find helpful (in list format, as I find great comfort in lists myself:
1. THANK YOU, Amanda Hite!
2. When you have endured sexual abuse, and particularly incest, cultivating healthy relationships, setting boundaries, and experiencing true intimacy are lifelong challenges that everyone deals with but that are made exponentially more difficult for you through no fault of your own!!
3. I was glad to read that you and the farmer are in therapy; my hope is that your therapist has a firm background in treating trauma. No disrespect to good marriage counselors, but this goes beyond the scope of many (not all) of their expertise. The reason I mention this is because of the powerful mind-body connection that comes with sexual abuse. Someone took something that is supposed to be very good and made it very…complicated to say the very least…for you. So much so that for many people it is as if those painful memories are stored not just in your brain, but in everymuscle, bone, and fiber of your body. Men often become angry when they learn of a female partner’s sexual abuse and misdirect that anger they feel toward the perpetrator and/or themselves (for not being able to protect you–even if the abuse occurred before they even knew you). This is completely illogical, but quite common. I must clarify that I am not inferring that this explains the farmer’s behavior and that it most certainly doesn’t justify it! My point is that there are exercises designed for couples where at least one partner has endured sexual abuse. They can help both of you deal with the physicall aspect of intimacy, and a therapist who has experience in this area can help both of you pace this process so it isn’t too much at once.
3. Anyone more qualified than I am who thinks this is a worthy consideration please speak to it better than I have!
4. I really liked one of the other reader’s comments about how your writing inspires her to think about herself and her own life, regardless of your topic. I feel the same way. Whether your next post is a list of tips for a great resume, or an update on your journey through your relationships in your personal life, or your freaking grocery list I will be reading…and, based on the other comments, it sounds like I’ll be in good company.
5. You are a good person. You are worthy of love. You are stronger than you realize.
Be well, Penelope!
Dear Penelope,
A few random comments that I hope you find helpful (in list format, as I find great comfort in lists myself:
1. THANK YOU, Amanda Hite!
2. When you have endured sexual abuse, and particularly incest, cultivating healthy relationships, setting boundaries, and experiencing true intimacy are lifelong challenges that everyone deals with but that are made exponentially more difficult for you through no fault of your own!!
3. I was glad to read that you and the farmer are in therapy; my hope is that your therapist has a firm background in treating trauma. No disrespect to good marriage counselors, but this goes beyond the scope of many (not all) of their expertise. The reason I mention this is because of the powerful mind-body connection that comes with sexual abuse. Someone took something that is supposed to be very good and made it very…complicated to say the very least…for you. So much so that for many people it is as if those painful memories are stored not just in your brain, but in everymuscle, bone, and fiber of your body. Men often become angry when they learn of a female partner’s sexual abuse and misdirect that anger they feel toward the perpetrator and/or themselves (for not being able to protect you–even if the abuse occurred before they even knew you). This is completely illogical, but quite common. I must clarify that I am not inferring that this explains the farmer’s behavior and that it most certainly doesn’t justify it! My point is that there are exercises designed for couples where at least one partner has endured sexual abuse. They can help both of you deal with the physicall aspect of intimacy, and a therapist who has experience in this area can help both of you pace this process so it isn’t too much at once.
3. Anyone more qualified than I am who thinks this is a worthy consideration please speak to it better than I have!
4. I really liked one of the other reader’s comments about how your writing inspires her to think about herself and her own life, regardless of your topic. I feel the same way. Whether your next post is a list of tips for a great resume, or an update on your journey through your relationships in your personal life, or your freaking grocery list I will be reading…and, based on the other comments, it sounds like I’ll be in good company.
5. You are a good person. You are worthy of love. You are stronger than you realize.
Be well, Penelope!
I’ve looked at your blog off and on and have concluded you are truly a horrific person. You will stop at nothing to get attention for yourself and your blog. Maybe its just a soap opera you are making up here but sadly I think it is your last desperate attempt at feeling relevant. I feel sorry for your current husband, your ex husband and anyone who has ever fallen into your world. Any adult male that goes around in this world has met girls like you. You are not the majority thank God but a very small and terrible minority. You are manipulative to the 100th degree and Im sure you provide the crazy girl sex that gets many a young man or older lonely man mixed up at first. You are the definition of needy, unstable and crazy. You even admit you are messed up and that makes it worse. You are truly a sad person screaming for attention at almost every turn. Your act is tired and not as uncommon as you would like to beleive. Unfortunately it works on guys who don’t believe there are actually nice women in the world. You know there are nice women in the world. That is part of what makes you disgusted with yourself and so willing to lash out at others.
Do the farmer a favor and leave. Not after 30 days. Now. ASAP. Today. He will find someone nice or be alone for a time and be so much happier than with your nonsense. What is insane is that you want people to think you are being abused. Seriously? That is disgusting. Abuse is an awful thing and should not be used as a tool to drive blog hits. You are abusing women who actually live in fear and terrible circumstances. You should feel disgusted with yourself. Its sad for your boys of course but the best day of his life and any man who has ever run into you is the day you take your manipulative circus on the road. He should pay for you to move to New York. Put a donation button for you to leave. Im a “successful entrep. who has started several companies” and actually sold them for a lot of money. Grow up. Your gonna be dead in 35 years and noone will care about your nonsense in about 5 – 10. Move on. Also put your kids in school. It is abuse that you don’t expose them to some normal people. They cant help who their mother is but they are lucky to be born in this country and should be exposed to some of the nice, kind and wonderful women who reside in this country.
What terrible things to say to someone who is in such a vulnerable place in her life. Rather than judging PT you might want to take a look at yourself. Everyone is trying here, in their own messed up way we are all trying to make the best of life. Judgement does nothing, it does not help, it makes YOU and YOU ALONE look bad. So rather than think you have all the answers and know what is best for a woman you read about “off and on” on a blog site that encompasses a fraction of her life, think about what your nasty, hateful, disrespectful comment says about yourself. Because you didn’t just disrespect PT you disrespected all people, male and female, who are in abusive relationships. Your comment “do the farmer a favor and leave” was terribly disappointing — to see someone be so hateful to someone who is so hurt and lost and confused was just awful. Victims of domestic abuse have enough trouble gaining the courage to leave and make a better start for themselves, they do not need you or anyone else telling them their abuser would be better off without them. It seems to me that you might be the one with serious problems — anyone who verbally or physically abuses another person is in serious need of help, and they and they alone are responsible for their actions — NO EXCUSES. Also your comment signed “california dreaming” is a disgrace to that lovely state.
What terrible things to say to someone who is in such a vulnerable place in her life. Rather than judging PT you might want to take a look at yourself. Everyone is trying here, in their own messed up way we are all trying to make the best of life. Judgement does nothing, it does not help, it makes YOU and YOU ALONE look bad. So rather than think you have all the answers and know what is best for a woman you read about “off and on” on a blog site that encompasses a fraction of her life, think about what your nasty, hateful, disrespectful comment says about yourself. Because you didn’t just disrespect PT you disrespected all people, male and female, who are in abusive relationships. Your comment “do the farmer a favor and leave” was terribly disappointing — to see someone be so hateful to someone who is so hurt and lost and confused was just awful. Victims of domestic abuse have enough trouble gaining the courage to leave and make a better start for themselves, they do not need you or anyone else telling them their abuser would be better off without them. It seems to me that you might be the one with serious problems — anyone who verbally or physically abuses another person is in serious need of help, and they and they alone are responsible for their actions — NO EXCUSES. Also your comment signed “california dreaming” is a disgrace to that lovely state.
I wish that people who express negative solutions to the hard lessons life brings us would have the courage to use his/her own name. California dreaming? sounds like a nightmare to me. Responding negatively to others’ life problems usually means that the negative response comes from not wanting to look at his/her life.
We are each works in progress. Thank God I had the courage to find my life lessons hard as they were to navigate. And thank God for Penelope.
.
You have your priorities straight. The boys are number 1. I am 70–soon to be 71–and the proudest thing I’ve done with my life is to break the chain of family abuse. All of it interveres with the quality of life.
All conflict is about personal power. I know the farmer is an introvert. I am, too. I need complete alone time daily to process my world. I live alone now. Maybe that is how I always should have lived. I do know that I am at peace and so grateful for my life.
From one of Facebook friends–
“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.” Jimi Hendrix
Love the Hendrix quote. So true, yet so unlikely.
As you stated – “You should feel disgusted with yourself” – right back at ya’ and all the people who read your comment and “liked” it. People who can say the kind of things you’ve written in this post are typically as miserable as they sound. So, I almost feel sorry for you.
I think a lot of what he said is true. There are 2 sides to this story. Penelope (forgot her real name) is an unstable female who has way too much free time. Yes she has a history of abuse, but she is acting it out on the unsuspecting farmer. It is time for Penelope to move out and deal with her issues without a victim (farmer). Penelope has too much mental baggage to have a healthy relationship with anyone. No matter who she lives with they will be the victim – male or female.
Where’s the DISLIKE button when you need one
Where’s the DISLIKE button when you need one
Where’s the DISLIKE button when you need one
I think a lot of what he said is true. There are 2 sides to this story. Penelope (forgot her real name) is an unstable female who has way too much free time. Yes she has a history of abuse, but she is acting it out on the unsuspecting farmer. It is time for Penelope to move out and deal with her issues without a victim (farmer). Penelope has too much mental baggage to have a healthy relationship with anyone. No matter who she lives with they will be the victim – male or female.
Where’s the DISLIKE button when you need one.
I have read your comment, mulled it over and concluded that you have left a shitty, ignorant response to this blog.
There are two sides to every story. But no one, not Penelope (her legal name, by the way) or her husband deserves to be treated in the horrific way that you suggest.
You don’t personally know any of the people involved in this story. If you did, your words would be compassionate toward all of them. It’s so easy to be an ignorant critic. It’s much harder to be the vulnerable public figure where strangers can take out their aggression on you and your choices without even using their real name.
Penelope has made a living by giving useful career advice and being honest about her personal life. This clearly upsets you. Here’s how to deal with that: Stop reading and move on.
All criticism is self-criticism.
“It is easier to be cruel than kind”
California dreaming is right on target! Ask penelope what happened to the two boys and the goat business! She starts things, gets all this great publicity on her blog, and then puff, that is the end of that!!! I know this women and she is crazy! I feel so sorry for the farmer and her children. She is doing no one any favors. She is living with the farmer so she can have great blog crap. Over half of what she says is bull____! It makes for great writing though. The local people won’t even read her crap. There is a very good reason she has no friends! New York is a much better place for her to live then a small town of 2,000 people. She has given Darlington nothing. If she is so wonderful, why isn’t she doing any thing to make our “crappy school” better. Maybe the math sheet she posted is not about her son being so smart and bored, maybe he REALLY made a mistake on the easy math sheet! ARE YOU KIDDING ME PEOPLE!!!
I don’t get your comment. Do you know Penelope? Personally? In real life? How can you label someone horrific if you’ve never met them? PT’s writing does not come from a place of hate or viciousness, and I’m almost positive that, through her writing here on this blog, she plays the part of teacher/guide to those who may/may not be lost or who want a story to relate to.
Let her write. Let her talk. Let her inspire her own path.
“California Dreaming,” you with this anonymous alias (a name which, by the way, completely contradicts all your words that follow), I hope you never procreate – there is absolutely no reason for so much hate.
There are two sides to every story. There are thousands of perceptions in this great, big world. Every person grew up in a different home. With different parents. Some, without parents. Have you heard, we’re all different?
By the way. Before you give such harsh and direct instructions to a person you don’t even know, learn the difference between “your” and “you’re.” Or don’t. It’s way funnier to see “your gonna be dead…” followed by “…put your kids in school.”
Jesus, did you miss the part about the hitting?
You hit the nail on the head here dreaming. I came to this blog for the first time today linked to a fantastic piece on small business ownership. I decided to read more and found these posts. I too was “the farmer” once to a woman like this. It was the worst time of my life. The good news is that one day the abuse will end and she wwill be alone like my “Penelope “. After her charms have worn off by the passage of time and most of the people have drifted out of her insanity orbit.
I’ve looked at your blog off and on and have concluded you are truly a horrific person. You will stop at nothing to get attention for yourself and your blog. Maybe its just a soap opera you are making up here but sadly I think it is your last desperate attempt at feeling relevant. I feel sorry for your current husband, your ex husband and anyone who has ever fallen into your world. Any adult male that goes around in this world has met girls like you. You are not the majority thank God but a very small and terrible minority. You are manipulative to the 100th degree and Im sure you provide the crazy girl sex that gets many a young man or older lonely man mixed up at first. You are the definition of needy, unstable and crazy. You even admit you are messed up and that makes it worse. You are truly a sad person screaming for attention at almost every turn. Your act is tired and not as uncommon as you would like to beleive. Unfortunately it works on guys who don’t believe there are actually nice women in the world. You know there are nice women in the world. That is part of what makes you disgusted with yourself and so willing to lash out at others.
Do the farmer a favor and leave. Not after 30 days. Now. ASAP. Today. He will find someone nice or be alone for a time and be so much happier than with your nonsense. What is insane is that you want people to think you are being abused. Seriously? That is disgusting. Abuse is an awful thing and should not be used as a tool to drive blog hits. You are abusing women who actually live in fear and terrible circumstances. You should feel disgusted with yourself. Its sad for your boys of course but the best day of his life and any man who has ever run into you is the day you take your manipulative circus on the road. He should pay for you to move to New York. Put a donation button for you to leave. Im a “successful entrep. who has started several companies” and actually sold them for a lot of money. Grow up. Your gonna be dead in 35 years and noone will care about your nonsense in about 5 – 10. Move on. Also put your kids in school. It is abuse that you don’t expose them to some normal people. They cant help who their mother is but they are lucky to be born in this country and should be exposed to some of the nice, kind and wonderful women who reside in this country.
PS, I think Amanda is a great help to you now. I am glad you let her in. Hang in there and know many people care for you and your family. — d.
You don’t want to raise the boys alone? Good God, this isn’t 1952. You’re pissing me off with this Real Housewives bullshit. I’m the weakest person in the world, but even I have boundaries. I read your blog because you’re smart and you make me see things from a unique point of view. But this “I’d rather be in a crappy relationship than no relationship at all” is sooo cliche. As in Lifetime Television for Women/Yaz commercial uninteresting. I want to care about the person behind the Penelope Trunk persona, but I can’t keep up with her self-indulgent mood swings. I was reading this blog long before the Farmer came into the picture,so I’m having trouble buying into your “Sister Wives” victim mentality. But, genius blogger that you are, you got my attention. So, I guess we all know who the real victim is.
Look, it’s not a 1950s thing. I mean, I support the family financially, and I’ve lived in five states, and I am employable from anywhere in the world. So it’s not that I feel dependent in a 1950s way.
I want to raise the boys in a family because I like the idea of family. I like the idea of the kids seeing two adults interacting in adult ways. I like the idea of the boys living with someone they call dad (and I know this would not happen again if we left the Farmer). I like the idea of having an adult to smile at across the table when a kid says something funny. I like the idea that another person has a stake in the outcome of my children. I like the idea of sharing my life with someone.
I know this sounds pie-in-the-sky — maybe for anyone, but definitely from someone in an abusive relationship. But if it sounds pie-in-the-sky, I think that’s what should annoy you. It is not inherently annoying to want to be a family and share raising kids with someone else. Penelope
This post broke my heart. Yes, there is nothing inherently wrong or annoying wanting to be a family and share raising kids with someone else. However,1. Do you want your children seeing two adults interacting the way you and the Farmer do?2. Do you really think the farmer has a stake in the outcome of your children? At least, consistently? If so, he wouldn’t be throwing you, their mother, down on the ground. And suggest that your son would grow up and hit you?I am not going to suggest leaving him. That is your choice. But if you stay with him, you really need to learn enforce boundaries with him. And also respect his boundaries. That is an adult relationship: mutual respect with caring and cherishing of each other. Take care.
This is not the ‘family” you want to raise your kids. You may as well sit a cardboard cutout at the dinner table to simulate “Dad.” Penelope, you are one big plate of crazy, and no can gag that down. Not the Farmer, and not your kids. If you stay, your kids are eventually going to hate you for raising them in Crazy Town, and you will have dismantled the thread of credibility you are hanging from in the business world.
Wishing away your post about your “home life” won’t make it go away. Any more so than doing the dishes will clean up your mess of a life. I may continue to read your blog for entertainment, sort of like not being able to look away from a train crash. But trusting your advice? For me it has always been iffy anyway, considering your personal career moves. Now I just want you to take a deep breath, pack your stuff up and take your kids to a new place. Maybe hit up your parents with the deep pockets. They owe you.
Sorry Penelope, but this comment is quite unnerving. It’s ok to want a family. But you can’t move to your boyfriend’s house with your kids, tell them to call him dad, scream at each other all the time, pop pills and pretend it’s a family.
Also:
– he’s not their dad.
– the boys are not ‘seeing two adults interacting in adult ways’. They are seeing two adults interacting like children – fighting, hitting and screaming when they don’t get their own way.
– you don’t want to raise the boys alone. Ok, that’s understandable. But sometimes you have to.
– where’s their father in all of this (and I don’t mean physically, I mean in terms of being an alternative primary carer).
This might sound a bit harsh, but it’s meant to be constructive.
Sorry Penelope, but this comment is quite unnerving. It’s ok to want a family. But you can’t move to your boyfriend’s house with your kids, tell them to call him dad, scream at each other all the time, pop pills and pretend it’s a family.
Also:
– he’s not their dad.
– the boys are not ‘seeing two adults interacting in adult ways’. They are seeing two adults interacting like children – fighting, hitting and screaming when they don’t get their own way.
– you don’t want to raise the boys alone. Ok, that’s understandable. But sometimes you have to.
– where’s their father in all of this (and I don’t mean physically, I mean in terms of being an alternative primary carer).
This might sound a bit harsh, but it’s meant to be constructive.
This is ridiculous. You won’t leave an abusive relationship because you don’t want to raise the boys alone? So you will let them watch a man beat their mother just to have a man in the house? It is hard to take seriously that you are concerned about them when you clear state that you are staying because of your own needs. They can call him dad but he is not the role model they need. And, again, where is their father? This is just pathetic and sad. One day your sons will look back in anger and sadness at the way you made decisions. I know. I survived life with a mentally ill mother who put us in the path of abuse, violence, alcoholism. I have seen or spoken to her in 21 years. She has never met her grandchildren. Is this what you want?
Your readers and hopefully your therapist will give you guidance, and present to you alternatives: staying, leaving, 30 days, permanently, putting the boys’ needs first, etc.
You will be the one to choose.
It seems to me that it is not just one choice (staying or leaving–a gross oversimplification). There are many choices. As you choose what is best for yourself, you “involve” the others and indirectly make choices for them. It is your solemn duty to make choices that are just as good for your sons as for you–this is how you protect them until they can make their own life-altering choices. You may or may not be able to make a choice that is good for both you and the farmer. He may not agree with your choices. Your choice may threaten him or damage him as some readers have pointed out.
Your goals? Save your life and your mental health? Protect your sons? Undo/forgive past abuses? Put yourself in a situation which brings out the best in you? Finally learn the meanings of intimacy, teaching yourself to make applications despite your history and your diagnosis? Get and keep peace (as opposed to getting and keeping drama)?
Your timeline? 30 days or ??? 8 weeks in therapy/16 sessions or ??? Deadline game-changer: WHEN there is another abusive incident. I think you should believe those who say that it can be too late if you are enmeshed in another abusive incident.
Your emergency plan in a worst-case scenario (the abuse between the 2 of you begins to escalate again)? Car at the ready, some cash/funds . . . Great writer that you are, write the “final” letter, explaining where/why you drew the line, blaming or forgiving, saying “good-bye”. Does the letter match up with your goals and values?
Your follow-up plan, to clean up, to heal . . . Stay away from those who have hurt you in the past. You don’t need their love/approval. You have everything you need, already within you.
Penelope, are you meditating?
Fuck- this is NOT want I want to read. Listen: I have been married for 30 hundred years and marriage is hard. HARD! So I don’t want to make a judgement against the farmer because I have occasionally been pushed. And shoved. When I have been NUTTY CRAZYYYY. And I pushed first and I pushed back.. maybe 5 times in 30 something years.
BUT….you my girl, have a history. You seem to make life hard on yourself. (This is a mother talking…so NOT saying it’s your fault. ) Listen: ask yourself if you had a hand in this. Shit, I pulled a gun on my man once…as if I even knew how to shoot a gun…so should he have said I abused him? Probably.
Honestly I am not sure what my advice here is: Marriage is hard. You try and not screw up the kids. You try and not hurt each other. You try and protect each other. You try and look across the table and say, “Hell yes I love this man FOR EVER! You laugh. You cry. But here’s the thing: If you didn’t push, push, PUSH….like we know we can…then you must leave. If you pushed until the man’s head exploded and you know you had a hand in it…think about it. I wish you good luck and happiness. It comes with age. (did I say that?) xx
My parents fought when I was young… I remember my father always hitting my mother, I would hide and take care of my little brother everytime. Sometimes I woild cver his ears but he still heard. He was 4 and I was 10.
We always ended up in hotels or at her friends houses.
She never left him and we ended up being adopted.
I never forgave my mother for not leaving. To this day I hate her.
Good luck… I hope your kids don’t end up resenting you for doig this to them.
My parents fought when I was young… I remember my father always hitting my mother, I would hide and take care of my little brother everytime. Sometimes I woild cver his ears but he still heard. He was 4 and I was 10.
We always ended up in hotels or at her friends houses.
She never left him and we ended up being adopted.
I never forgave my mother for not leaving. To this day I hate her.
Good luck… I hope your kids don’t end up resenting you for doig this to them.
Sorry to hear that. It’s a heartbreaking story. Good luck to you also.
No one & I mean no one has any idea how hard it is to walk away from a situation like this. It took me up until my ex almost choked me to death. It was then that I was able to find my backbone, put down my pride and walk away. You’ll leave when you’re good and ready. The question is, how much of your time, life, & energy of yours and your children are you willing to sacrifice? You might be better off financially for the time being, but the emotional cost will far exceed the financial benefits. Pay now. Or, pay more later.
Glad to hear you got to walk away. The choking part, pretty scary. Your comment about pride really struck me too. I think that has a lot to do with hanging on, unfortunately.
P could move out to Silicon Valley, where failure is a badge of honor, and surviving it is not something to be ashamed of. It’s the same everywhere, really, especially when it comes to bolting a bad relationship.
Glad to hear you got to walk away. The choking part, pretty scary. Your comment about pride really struck me too. I think that has a lot to do with hanging on, unfortunately.
P could move out to Silicon Valley, where failure is a badge of honor, and surviving it is not something to be ashamed of. It’s the same everywhere, really, especially when it comes to bolting a bad relationship.
Glad to hear you got to walk away. The choking part, pretty scary. Your comment about pride really struck me too. I think that has a lot to do with hanging on, unfortunately.
P could move out to Silicon Valley, where failure is a badge of honor, and surviving it is not something to be ashamed of. It’s the same everywhere, really, especially when it comes to bolting a bad relationship.
And also, I have two more cents to add.
I don’t think you have issues with intimacy. People that have these issues don’t have intimate relationships and yet you are the following – daughter, sister, mother, wife, ex-wife, friend, etc. This is much more than a lot of people have and you have also sustained relationships that most would toss out the back door. This tells me that you cherish your close, intimate relationships. I like that. It supports my conviction that you’re a good person.
And lastly, what you call childish passive-aggressiveness, I call spitefulness. It is, very much, a resemblance of a trait I often see, can now predict, and even smile fondly over, with regards to my very own wonderful mate. So, I like that too.
But maybe, next time – don’t leave the meat out of the meal. You know how you feel when maybe you’ve had too many bagels? Maybe this is how your Farmer, who I’m sure loves you, felt when you didn’t give him enough protein.
I have not commented in a long time. But I founnd this post so disturbing that I couldn’t sleep. Here is a list of the five things that kept me awake.
1) There is lots of room for ambiguity in relationships. When I am angry with my boyfriend, I always wonder if it is maybe really my fault. Who knows? But as hundreds of people have said here, hitting and shoving cross the line. There’s no ambiguity. You can’t see that, because of your history of abuse. But your readers can see it. It’s wrong. It’s unacceptable. Don’t accept it. Leave.
2) If you stay, you are sending a very clear message to your kids that it is ok to hit people. That you can hit your wife, or shove her across the room so hard she falls, and she won’t leave. Think about what kind of men you want your kids to be. Do you want them to hit their wives? Do you want them to create homes where nobody really knows what is right and what is wrong, and everyone feels the way you do now? Do you want them to continue living with the Farmer so that they can learn this behavior?
3) Are you going to wait until he hits the kids? Because logically, if you think he’s hitting you because you are difficult, and you are difficult becuase you have Asperger’s, then isn’t your son with Asperger’s just as difficult? Anyway, it doesn’t matter how difficult you are, there is no excuse for violence. If he thinks this is ok behavior, he will, in all likelihood, behave this way when your sons are difficult. Can you imagine, when they are teenagers, what it will be like?
4) “They love him. They call him Dad.” Yes, but like the cello practice, they are looking at you, to see how you act. They love him because you love him. If you say, “Physical violence is not ok, we are leaving,” they will learn an important lesson from you about how to take care of yourself and your family.
5) I do not understand why you have not discussed the situation with your ex-husband, who is the kids’ real dad. He should know what is going on in the house where his kids live.
I agree with Rachel R. Think about what you are teaching the boys. Also the earlier comment is a good one, if a therapist said you couldn’t write about your marital difficulty which would you choose the blog or marriage?
Without hearing the other side it’s hard to know what’s going on here.
I always believe that marital matter especially sensitive one should be kept secret the married couple except for matters related to abuse..
Hi Penelope,
I suggest you relax, get a massage, pray or meditate.
I myself am a blogger and I know the pressure of coming up with topics that can keep your readers interested, add to that the responsibilities of motherhood and keeping your partner happy.
It can be overwhelming for a normal person what more if you have Asperger’s.
I’m not an expert and I don’t have any research or study to back up this comment. But all I can say is that you deserve to be happy like everyone else. And life is not designed to be perfect. My wish for you is to listen to your kids and take them seriously. If your kids tell you you should smile more, that’s a big sign screaming at you to relax. Ignore all those “experts” that tell you how to live your life. Listen to your kids instead and do your best to please them and make them happy instead of other people.
Kids are easier to please and they are smarter than most. I think adults grow dumber as time passes. Just look at our parents.
Rooting for you!
Wenx
Add one more opinion to the list. He shoved you because he could. He knows all to well you are dysfunctional and self proclaimed crazy,(maybe professionally too) he has the perfect victim. I read once here; if you do the same behavior you get the same results. I know you were referring to jobs, but isn’t life a job?
He expected you to blog about it, he expected the drama that ensued, he has the cards and plays them well. You longed for comfort and contentment, knows your weak spots with the kids.
What I suggest is an old American standby… Cast Iron Skillet. Keep it close, keep it handy and never ever be the victim. He has to sleep sometime and until he “wakes up” to the issue he has created, I would say your skillet is your reach out and touch someone card.
I was pushed/charged at one time by a guy I lived with. He expected/anticipated my reactions. He was wrong, so very wrong. He thought he could get away with it, I would blow my top, he would control me and life would be good. Very calmly I explained to him that if he came into my general personal space in a rage, that he could expect the very same from me. He began to laugh and then it hit him… He has to sleep sometime. Being crazy has it’s advantages…
It took some time, but I am free, and I can tell you this, the comfort zone was a war zone and after leaving it, I am was FREE….
You are lucky you got away.You are a statistical outlier. Threatening an abuser is generally not a good idea, nor is arming yourself, unless you plan on taking that skillet everywhere you go. I’m kind of surprised you made it out without ending up in prison yourself. Or worse.
One of the most important lessons of my life is that you can understand why people do the negative things they do – but an explanation does not make the behavior acceptable. You may think you understand why The Farmer does what he does – but his actions are not OK. You and your children deserve a safe place to live, where love is not mixed up with violence.
Penelope this is hard but you must leave, if not for you then for your children. Aspergers is hard on the whole family, yes but NO ONE should hit, push or hurt another person. Ever. You can get help from a therapist for you and the boys and learn to live together in a more healthy way. I urge you to find someone who is an expert with Aspergers. If you need help finding someone I can help you but you must first leave and stay safe. Please leave. Feel free to email if you want I am offering help.
Penelope this is hard but you must leave, if not for you then for your children. Aspergers is hard on the whole family, yes but NO ONE should hit, push or hurt another person. Ever. You can get help from a therapist for you and the boys and learn to live together in a more healthy way. I urge you to find someone who is an expert with Aspergers. If you need help finding someone I can help you but you must first leave and stay safe. Please leave. Feel free to email if you want I am offering help.