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Someone once asked me to think of a moment in my childhood that was really nice. I thought of one.
Wait. You think of one, now. Quick. Just any one…
So I thought of a time: it was in my grandparents’ huge yard with fruit trees and flower gardens and grass for running. And it was so peaceful.
What you remember as really nice tells you something about where you belong. Whatever you thought of, learn something from that.
Where I belong is in nature. And in quiet. When I lived in New York City, I spent most of my time in Central Park and the Brooklyn Botanical Garden. Most people who live in New York City say they spend a lot of time in Central Park. I almost lived there. I thought I would die if I didn’t go there each day. (Wait. Here's a test to see if you belong in New York City. I definitely don't.)
When I drove up to the farm, the first time, I knew I belonged there. I think I fell in love with the farmer that second. And I saw my whole life as the process of coming to grips with the fact that I am not as fast and cool and cutting edge as I wish I were. I do not belong in a city.
So you’d think, now that I’m marrying the farmer, I’d finally get my farm. But I don’t. Farm land is not like any other possession in the world. Laws of marriage and property and value do not apply. We went to a lawyer to get a prenuptial agreement, and it turns out that it’s not marital property. Instead, it’s everyone’s security, and everyone’s life long dream, and everyone’s connection to the earth.
So maybe I will not get to live on this farm. It’s ironic, because when the farmer first started seeing me, he wouldn’t really do it unless I agreed that I could come live on the farm. And I said yes, I could, way before I really thought I could, because I wanted to be with him so badly.
Now I love the farm. But maybe, the farmer will have to buy different land. It’s not clear. Surely, I will love whatever land we live on, because it will always be a farm. But I really love this farm. It’s where I fell in love with the farmer, and the country, and where my kids looked happier than they have been in years.
I’ve never posted a photo of the farm because I am scared to want it. I’m scared to want to live there because I can’t really control if I live there. It’s between the farmer and his parents. But today, I’m posting a picture. Because part of coping with adult life is allowing yourself to want something even if you are not sure you’ll get it.
So many of the questions I get from people are questions they answer themselves, in the very email where they ask the question. They ask if it’s okay to want what they want because they’re so scared to want it: A book, a blog, a job change, lots of money, less money. It’s scary to want things in life. But if you don’t know what you want, you can’t even know which way to move.
The trick is to admit what we want, even if we are scared we won’t get it. We can only be who we are. And if we are disappointed, later on, well. I guess that’s just part of being a grown up and knowing what we want.
So. This is what I want. To live here, on this farm.
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I hope it works out Penelope. And even if it doesn't, it's easier to find another farm to live on than it was to realize you wanted to live on a farm, right?
Thanks for this. It's aptly-timed for some decisions I'm trying to make right now too.
Mike Darga
Posted by Mike Darga on 11/02/2009 at 02:10am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Ok, I've been following ur blog for more than a yr now..and I rarely ever comment.
But this time had to stop by.
Here's wishing you what you want – a happy life on THIS farm!
Posted by richa on 11/02/2009 at 04:07am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Good luck. That place looks gorgeous. (I live in NZ so I know a thing or two about gorgeous places)
Posted by Isha Akula on 11/02/2009 at 05:04am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Thanks for this post by the way. My 'fond' memory from my childhood is being awarded 17 prizes on one single day, for academic and sports achievement.
I am now challenging myself to memorise 300 pages of study material within the next 24 hours. Just because I can. Will update and tell how I went.
Posted by Isha Akula on 11/02/2009 at 05:09am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Is it the location or the lifestyle you want? A jet set lifestyle from this location will be very difficult.
Posted by malcontent7 on 11/02/2009 at 06:14am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Yeah, fear of disappointment is a big one. But disappointment only stings for a little while and then your horizons move on. We think when we want something so badly that our entire happiness depends on it. When we don't get it and instead get something else (sometimes even something better) and time passes, we realize that was a delusion. Want what you want with all your might (how else will you be able to muster the determination you need to get it?) but the path to your goal is rarely exactly what you think it is, and if you don't get it, there will always be something else you want in the future just as badly you may.
Posted by Alex Lickerman, MD. on 11/02/2009 at 06:40am | permalink | Reply to this comment
"I'm scared to want to live there because I can't really control if I live there. It's between the farmer and his parents." Sounds like the parents own the farm and they don't especially want you there. Wow, thanks for the support, Mom and Dad.
Posted by Brad on 11/02/2009 at 07:10am | permalink | Reply to this comment
it look nice, think about childhood time, one think i always remembered.. day with my dad before he died.. wonder what i belong too.. :D
Posted by izzat aziz on 11/02/2009 at 07:45am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Hi Penelope,
Though this won't be the most eloquent prose, I wish you and the farmer all the best. May your lives together be better than anything either of you could have imagined.
Posted by Chuck on 11/02/2009 at 08:04am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I'm so happy you posted a picture here.
Posted by Joselle on 11/02/2009 at 08:29am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Good luck, Penelope. I hope you get what you want!
Posted by Liz on 11/02/2009 at 08:47am | permalink | Reply to this comment
The farm looks beautiful. Any place would look just as good to me if I know that you and the farmer and the kids are together.
I have a friend who lives in a "not so great" place and she's just as happy as I've ever seen her in her life. Others live in mansions and are quite miserable.
So place is always second over the people your with there! End of my Monday Morning Sermonette.
P.S. Last night I spent the evening and early morning hours with a dear friend in the hospital, as her husband
was struggling with his life. He was a wonderful guy and she loved him so much. He passed away, and I was thinking as I drove her home that we have to grab minutes, hours days of good times with each other…and be grateful for them.
Posted by Lois Geller on 11/02/2009 at 09:07am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Hi Penelope,
I came to your blog after coming across an article in Inc. managzine that mentioned it. I love it. i am being drawn to read your blog everyday. I loved that you posted a photo, and I truly wish you get to be here on this farm. You know, I feel touched with the fact that you not just write about yourself, but you care about the reader as well. I have been feeling stuck with decision-making lately and your words gave more impetus to what I was thinking as well. And I did learn something from the memory I recalled from my childhood where I felt very happy – playing on huge construction sand mounds with other kids. Maybe I need to find a way to do something like that :-).
Best to you,
Thanks for a wonderful blog again. I am yet to read all the other pieces you have written. Look fwd to that.
Posted by Harshi on 11/02/2009 at 09:15am | permalink | Reply to this comment
My childhood memory called to mind at a moments notice: playing in the leaves with my sister on my parent's farm. I always wanted to live in a large city, and actually did for a few years. But I live now on five acres in the country with my husband and son. Thanks for reminding me that I have found my place. And am very happy. I wish you the same.
Posted by JD Brunner on 11/02/2009 at 10:06am | permalink | Reply to this comment
"What you remember as really nice tells you something about where you belong. Whatever you thought of, learn something from that."
Great words of wisdom, and something everyone should explore, particularly before they are married and especially during their marriage. Good for you for identifying your inner farm girl early on in your relationship. I've got an inner country girl, and my husband will never share this, and it's a missing piece of our puzzle.
Posted by Heather on 11/02/2009 at 10:18am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I know what I want.
Posted by John on 11/02/2009 at 10:30am | permalink | Reply to this comment
My happy childhood memory was teaching my grandparents dog to go through a homemade obstacle course. This was competing with my second favorite happy memory of finally getting a family friend's dog to settle and calm down at his first big party when he was terrified of everyone around (he had been likely abused before our friends took him in).
It makes sense then that what makes me happiest now are my hours with the local shelter–working with the dogs there so they learn skills and confidence and get adopted into great families.
Good luck getting the farm. I hope it works out for you.
Posted by Bethany on 11/02/2009 at 10:37am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Good post. THE most important thing is to be who and what we really are – NOT cool and cutting edge and New Yorky if that isn't right. The internet is a hindrance here, as we can all see so many fake, mannered presentations of cool (the writer must live in Brooklyn, the cool girl must wear just the right vintage and have sparrow tee shirts and china). It's all artifice and bullshit – the last thing any of us should ever think about is how we appear, or if we are cool and cutting edge. That way lies mediocrity.
Best wishes – I hope that all works out.
Posted by MJ on 11/02/2009 at 11:31am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Hmmmmm…so how does his family feel about your relationship? Sounds like an issue of trust at the heart of things.
My family owns and operates a family farm and has for many generations. My father and uncle run the farm(s) along with my grandparents. My father, stepmom and their children actually live on the main farm. My family has set up the business so that in case of divorce or death the property and business cannot go to either my aunt or stepmom. The business can only be passed on to a blood relative (the children and grandchildren).
My aunt and stepmom can work on the farm and earn a salary but they are not be able to assume any type of ownership or leadership role within the business. My family incorporated the business many, many years ago.
So, it can be done. My family and many other families have been able to find a solution to this type of situation. Patience and good luck!
Posted by Lucie on 11/02/2009 at 12:15pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Way to support the patriarchy!
Posted by Jo on 11/02/2009 at 01:59pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
eh? I wouldn't call that patriarchy – if it could only be owned or run by male children, yes, but in this case it seems to be just a matter of blood relations (who in this case happen to be male) as opposed to people who married into the family (in this particular case the females)… and in this day and age – with Divorce as common as it is – I can see why people would do that.
Posted by anonymous on 2009-11-02 14:27:45 | (Comments wont nest below this level)
The Penelope I know would never agree to waive all future ownership rights. And, perhaps, there lies the problem.
Posted by Bob on 11/02/2009 at 06:25pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
It's a beautiful farm. I understand beeter why your boys are so happy there. I wish you and the farmer the very best. I have a feeling things will work out….many years from now you'll both be rocking in chairs in the front porch, still holding hands. -grace
Posted by Grace B. on 11/02/2009 at 12:27pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
bravo. it takes people lifetimes to figure out what you just wrote. and many folks never do figure it out.
Posted by Tina Flammer on 11/02/2009 at 01:43pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Well. Yes. And about 650 pages of other thoughts.
Posted by LPC on 11/02/2009 at 01:45pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Understanding and being honest about what you want and who you are can be very hard.
Posted by Jennifer Lynn on 11/02/2009 at 02:49pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
For those of you accusing the farmer and/or his family of being "unwelcoming" to Penelope, please do some research or talk to someone who has lived and worked on a farm to understand. A farm isn't a just a house on some land. It's also a heritage, a beloved place, a definition of self and family, and, perhaps most fundamentally, a livelihood and family business. Penelope seems to understand and accept this; I don't understand why others are having such a hard time with this.
I grew up on a farm in a farming community. I've seen countless families blow up when someone died or fell ill and it wasn't clear to whom the farm should go and who was responsible for what. Seriously, second generations of families not speaking to each other or attending family holidays and weddings because one sibling ended up with the home farm and another was cut out. There has been similar strife on both sides of my own family surrounding farm succession and sales, though not as severe. It's complicated, both in a business sense and an emotional sense. As the owners of the business, it *is* the farmer's and his parents' decision about how to handle business ownership, planning, and succession. The farmer's plans for a new family and how he wants to run the farm will play into this, along with countless other factors. I wish them good luck in figuring out a very difficult and emotionally fraught business decision and congratulate Penelope on her understanding of the complex process, especially in light of her personal wishes.
Posted by Molly on 11/02/2009 at 04:36pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Molly, a farm is a business just like any other business. Why should we treat the property any differently than any other business? The amount of subsidies and handouts we give to farm businesses in America as taxpayer's is BEYOND ridiculous.
Posted by Dan on 11/02/2009 at 06:45pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I fundamentally disagree with the assertion in your first sentence, which should be clear if you read my comment. If you're asking why property laws regarding farms are different than those for other properties, I don't know the answer and didn't attempt to address that question. I suggest consulting a legal professional. As a guess, I would venture that they developed from the fact that family farms ARE fundamentally different than many other businesses, as they combine the functions of business, home, stewardship, community, and heritage. Surely, some other family-owned business serve these multiple functions, as well, and I would guess that they, too, are managed differently to serve their multiple functions, rather than to strictly meet business goals.
I agree that federal farm subsidies are huge and mostly misdirected. We've built a system where commodity farmers simply cannot make a living without government payments; subsidies have been internalized into the business model (e.g., farms loans and land prices are calculated based on included subsidy income). If you talk to farmers, many would tell you that they would LOVE to operate independently in a truly free market and not need government subsidies. That said, if you eat, you should care about agriculture and be willing to contribute to the food system. Since American consumers pay nowhere near the true cost of what it takes to produce food, expect to contribute through taxes that support subsidies, rising healthcare costs, and other hidden costs until this changes.
Posted by Molly on 2009-11-02 19:14:16 | (Comments wont nest below this level)
Molly,
I used to live in Madison and actually worked with a woman who grew up on a farm and she said most farmers were horrible businessman and my roommate at UW-Wastewater said his father lost his farm in Delavan for this very reason, he borrowed more money for new equipment than he could ever pay back.
I disagree we don't pay "the true cost" of what we eat. Where in the world do you get that idea? Not only do we pay it, American corporate farms are so efficient, we are a huge agriculture exporter, in spite of having 307 million of our own to feed.
An illustrative example of why farm subsidies should immediately end is the buy out of tobacco farmers. Do you know what happenned when tobacco subsidies ended, here where I live in Tenn? Yup, the farmers changed their business models and now grow profitable items, set by the free market, like soybeans. There is no need to subsidize farms with tax dollars, we simply make it unprofitable, due to over supply, for farmers to grow those crops without subsidies, and encourage them to do so.
Again, farming is a business just like any other business. Is a home office not a home business like farming? Should I get special treatment if I decide to make one of our four bedrooms into a home business? Give me a break, and it's not just farmers who wish to give their land/home down to their children. Most homeowner's wish to do this, real homeowner's, not those buying with no equity.
Posted by Dan on 2009-11-04 17:04:27 | (Comments wont nest below this level)
Do you have to own the farm to live on it? Why would the issue of the farm not being marital property prevent you from being able to live on it with him?
Posted by blacky on 11/02/2009 at 05:20pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
This question actually goes pretty far to clarify the discussion above, about why a farm is a different kind of property than other marital property. If you want to farm, you want to live on the land you farm. And if ownership of the farm is messy on paper, then you never really know if you can live there. It is, technically, day to day.
Most people do not need to live on the property where their job is. Most people do not work their whole live for property where they work instead of cash. And most people do not pass their businesses down within their family.
I don't even understand everything, frankly. But I understand that I started out with a really arrogant view of how I know business so I know how farming business should work.
The first thing about understanding another culture is understanding that understanding takes time.
Penelope
Posted by Penelope Trunk on 11/03/2009 at 09:52am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Wisconsin has tighter non-marital definitions than other States. If marital money & resources are used to improve the land; you could still end-up with a partial marital share.
Posted by Jake on 11/02/2009 at 05:39pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Do the farmer's parents know or care that you wished to abort their grandchild? I assume since you wish to marry this man, that the child was his and not someone else's.
Posted by Dan on 11/02/2009 at 06:44pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Dan, what a dumb comment. As if no one gets abortions when they love the child's father. Take your propagandizing elsewhere.
Posted by Ask a Manager on 11/02/2009 at 07:57pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I'm sorry but Dan's question has been crossing my mind too ever since Penelope announced she was getting married.
Posted by V on 2009-11-02 21:42:26 | (Comments wont nest below this level)
Ask a manager or whomever you are, my parents insisted my sister not put up her fatherless child up for adoption so they could know their grandson, much less abort him.
Do you not have kids? As a father/mother, we have a right to know about our grandkids and whether or not our infant daughter wishes to dispose of them. Do you not want grandkids? I am sure my mother would be less than thrilled if we had wanted to tear our daugther apart from limb to limb.
Thanks,
Posted by Dan on 2009-11-04 16:47:48 | (Comments wont nest below this level)
What makes you think that the farmer wanted to have a baby either?
Posted by Jacqueline on 11/03/2009 at 09:41am | permalink | Reply to this comment
What business is it of theirs if Penelope and the farmer conceived by accident and she wished to exercise her law-given right to have an abortion?
Posted by Erin on 11/03/2009 at 01:38pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I'm not questioning the right to have an abortion.
I'm questioning the decision to announce the desire to have an abortion at the place of employment, Twitter and the media. Like it or not, people get hurt and/or offended. It can then spill into the personal life.
I believe this is why women are silent about it at work.
For every woman I met who was grateful for an abortion, there was an equal number who craved to conceive, and for them it is like a kick in the gut when someone announces their desire for an abortion (especially coldly like the Twitter Penelope sent.)
And yes believe it or not, men also can get hurt too.
Penelope has already said that she has trouble judging social situations because of Asperger's. Well I think the Twitter was another case of that.
(and I'm sorry that this post is here and not with the original comments on the twitter blog, but it took me a couple of weeks to understand why I was so upset by the tweet.)
Posted by V on 2009-11-03 17:17:29 | (Comments wont nest below this level)
Dear G-d: Is there no way that you/someone can simply permanently banish Dan from the comments section? We have all heard everything that he has to say about abortion and he can't seem to talk about anything else and we're soooooo sick of his one-note propaganda. Can't you please help us? We're doing the best we can down here. Thank you and amen.
Posted by Kay Lorraine on 11/06/2009 at 08:22pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Oh Penelope, I do hope you get what you truly want! It is hard enough to know what you want in this life. If you finally discover it, you should be able to have it. Good luck!
Posted by Chickybeth on 11/02/2009 at 07:14pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Thank you for this.I agree that federal farm subsidies are huge and mostly misdirected.I want to live in this farm too.
Posted by Aion kinah ca on 11/02/2009 at 08:04pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Wow, Penelope. What a BEAUTIFUL picture!
Posted by Kriti | Reflections in public health on 11/02/2009 at 08:41pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I have been living in the city or suburb as far as I can remember. But as I recall, my happy moment in my childhood was when the whole family climbed a tall sandhill sitting nowhere in the coastline of Malta, after getting almost lost for a couple of hours or so. Everyone got exhausted but I clearly remember the triumph moment.
My analysis of this result is as follows.
- I love the sense of getting lost and wander around.
- Interacting with people is not my first priority.
- Even though I believe I am a city-dweller, maybe I am better off in the countryside, especially close to the ocean (really scary thought).
Thanks you for the stimulating topic, as always.
Posted by Isao on 11/02/2009 at 08:42pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Beautiful picture. And so true that is often difficult to admit what you want.
Posted by Jessica on 11/02/2009 at 08:55pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I swear we were separated at birth because this is exactly how I felt when I was dating my now-husband. I, too, was divorced and scared to want to be married to a man I was crazy about after being in a horrible marriage the first time around. He had a gorgeous house and I used to do the exact same thing–wish I lived there. When we were dating he had to put the house on the market because he couldn't afford to keep it. I was devastated, and so was he. Turns out it didn't sell despite being on the market for a month–thanks to the horrible market at that time–and then he ended up getting a huge raise and being able to keep it after all. A year later we got engaged and married and now here I am.
I totally believe in The Secret, btw. Not to sound crazy but I swear it works–and by posting this picture and allowing yourself to want it, I'm sure it will work out for you.
Posted by Maggie on 11/02/2009 at 10:08pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
"Because part of coping with adult life is allowing yourself to want something even if you are not sure you’ll get it."
That's one of the most beautiful sentences I have ever come across. Simply loved it !
Posted by geetu on 11/02/2009 at 10:57pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Sweet! Thanks for sharing, Pen.
I love the Upper Midwest, too. Much love.
Jay
Posted by Jay on 11/02/2009 at 11:02pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
A friend sent me this link – your story is lovely and I hope you get your farm and a happy family too. When I think of golden moments in my childhood, though, I think of time spent with my father, who died when I was young. I'm so glad I was able to really enjoy those moments – even though I realize now that some of my favorite moments in my childhood took place sitting in horrible traffic, which doesn't lend itself to beautiful photographs. :)
The places we go and the things we do don't matter nearly as much as having people who love us and want to be there beside us. If you don't enjoy that when it's given to you, you can't ever get it back later. Even in hard times, that's what can get you through.
Posted by MLee on 11/03/2009 at 12:39am | permalink | Reply to this comment
"After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as "wanting." It is not logical, but it is often true."
– Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
Posted by jrandom42 on 11/03/2009 at 02:02am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Aloha, Penelope!
Congratulations! It has been a bit since I read your blog and on returning today I find you are marrying the farmer. Wishing you and your family the warmest,
Sarah
Posted by Sarah Evilsizor on 11/03/2009 at 03:19am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Wow … In some ways this is your most revealing, and perhaps the most mature, blog yet.
I should clarify what I mean by mature. The themes of self-discovery, passage, yearning and compromise are themes of folks in their 30's and 40's, themes we all work through after we've handled lifes thrills and disappointments. The are the themes of those who've lived a little. And being able to step PAST them and place your heart out on a figurative (and as the picture shows, literal too!) limb.
I grew up in the California foothills and worked on my uncle's farm/ranch with its two red barns, white broad board fences and beautiful oak covered hillsides. I loved it dearly and knew every acre. In the 90's that farm was plowed under to build a country club and the hills reshaped for either putting greens or homesites to the extent that it's almost unrecognizable. The decision was unarguably rational and family security achieved but also dreams died and something beautiful was lost forever.
See? Self-discovery, yearning and compromise.
I truly hope you and your soon-to-be husband can find a way to live your own dream.
Posted by Leftcoast on 11/03/2009 at 03:35am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Thank you, that was sweet.
You were right with the memory thing, and it made me so happy to realize the same thing–where I belong is on a farm, in that perfect link between nature and civilization. Not too much of one or the other. This week I'm closing on my own 33-acre farm and I feel that same inner joy and excitement every time I set foot on it. Best of luck in finding a farm that can truly be yours, whether it's this one or another.
Posted by LydiaMcD on 11/03/2009 at 04:18am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I wish you all the happiness in the world and I hope you get to live on this beautiful farm.
Posted by Kate on 11/03/2009 at 05:38am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Damn, Now I want to live on that farm.
This week your blog really hits home. I have been holding back admitting what I've wanted for so long (to move) for some of the same reasons and other reasons of my own.
Just this weekend I said f it I'm telling the world and posted this http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/album.php?aid=44029&id=1216506660
It was therapeutic in a geeky kind of way.
Posted by Amanda Hite @sexythinker on 11/03/2009 at 06:34am | permalink | Reply to this comment
lovely post. really enjoy your honesty – it is so refreshing in a mainstream blog.
One way to know what you want in a career is to stop climbing someone else's career ladder, to stop wanting material things like title's and offices, and go after the actual job that is best suited for you. First, discover the intersection of your strengths and passions (i created a free tool to do this – primarycolorassessment.com). Then migrate your career toward a job that leverages these strengths and passions every day!
its ok to want. But make sure you are wanting the right things, based on your own road map.
Rick Smith
Posted by RickSmithAuthor on 11/03/2009 at 07:11am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Beautiful photo, Penelope! Thanks for sharing it with us. I'm sure things will work out.
Posted by Philip on 11/03/2009 at 07:35am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope, your writing on moving to the farm (I've only seen two posts) is for some reason, incredibly interesting. Your words leap out of the page when you write about this bent in your life.
Keep it coming!
Fan, Jillian
Posted by Jillian Davis on 11/03/2009 at 09:19am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Could you subdivide off the smallest legally allowed parcel of land and build a house on that? Then you and the farmer would still be right there, but you'd have your own home with separate title and ownership than the farm.
Posted by Jacqueline on 11/03/2009 at 09:44am | permalink | Reply to this comment
It sounds like the parents of the farmer own the farm?
I'm not clear why you can't live there.
Posted by Maureen Sharib on 11/03/2009 at 10:01am | permalink | Reply to this comment
That is one gorgeous farm, Penelope!
Posted by Natasha Fondren on 11/03/2009 at 10:24am | permalink | Reply to this comment
First, just have to say I love your blog Penelope.
I recently got married and within a few months relocated to a large city for my husband's job. Having never lived in a big city but always feeling like I should (for some reason I equated big city living with success), I was eager and enthusiastic to get our things packed, ditch the car, and take on newlywed life as a "chic city couple."
Six months later, the newness has worn off and it turns out I'm not a city person at all. My husband is, but I'm not at all. I kept this inside from my husband, family and friends for the first five months, as I assumed there was something the matter with me for not liking living in a luxurious high rise, amazing views, having a door person, and taking in the sights and opportunities my new city has provided for me. I guess I just assumed I'd grow to like it, but honestly, I just don't think its for me. At all.
Thanks for your post. It is insane how dead on this is with my life right now. I have fantasies about packing up my things and leaving our cab lined street and moving into a big ol' house on a quiet road in the middle of the country. In my daydream, I wake up every morning, sit on a chair outside, drink my coffee and hear nothing but the wind and birds. The farm looks beautiful. Congratulations.
Posted by Julia on 11/03/2009 at 10:35am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope, you have taken on and mastered one of the most intriguing of all coming-of-age indicators: longing. Or "yearning," as some of the responses have called it. You address longing in a clear and present and poignant manner in this post. You are NOT brazen in this post, nor bombastic, nor dramatic. It is true tenderness that you have captured and sent to your blog fans. To me, it is a beautiful thing . . .
At the same time, right beside the poetry of the post, you have shown that you have analyzed and factored in practical concerns. You say you have seen your boys happier on the farm than anywhere else . . . This is a huge mark in the "pro" column.
And you have used terms synonymous with maturity: adult and grown-up. This move in your life has brought out the best in you, as a mom, as a writer, as a grown-up. Sounds like a good direction to take.
Go ahead and long for Plan A, and then create a Plan B, as well. You will know how to do this . . .
I hope the Farmer is as comfortable with longing-and-letting-go as you are.
Chris
Posted by chris Keller on 11/03/2009 at 10:51am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Thank you so much for posting a picture of the farm. I can understand how difficult it is to share things like that. I know you share a lot of very personal things via this blog, and I think I realized after I read this post that words are personal but pictures are way more personal to me. It's like letting the whole world into your world because we can picture what you see when you go there.
I am really happy that you use this blog as a tool to become a better, happier person. The only one who can judge your growth is you, and it seems like you are able to pinpoint the buttons you need to push to learn and grow. I have a hard time with wanting things I cannot guarantee I will get. Maybe it comes from a tough childhood with lots of diappointment. I have a really hard time putting effort into anything I can't guarantee a benefit from. But I think after I read your post I thought more about what you may learn from posting risky words or a picture, like today, that is peripheral to a direct benefit like developing a closer relationship with your followers.
Thanks for making me think more about this because I see now that I really need to!!
Posted by Alison Rayner on 11/03/2009 at 11:45am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Alison? from rogers?
Posted by Kateri Keller on 11/04/2009 at 09:11am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Nope. I'm not the Alison from Rogers.
Posted by Alison Rayner on 11/04/2009 at 08:05pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I have only been reading your blog a couple months and initially I thought maybe you were a city girl with cutting edge insight…what I would want to be if I didn't live in the middle of nowhere, although I would not trade my rural home for anything. What I have found, I think, is a kindred spirit! I hope it works out that you can live on the farm – I think you will love it and it can be worked out.
Posted by trese on 11/03/2009 at 12:14pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I'm confused. Why can't you live on the farm? Do you mean that because you can't have an ownership interest in the farm you don't WANT to live there?
Posted by Kerry Kimble on 11/03/2009 at 12:59pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Really, I could not be happier for you and your boys. Boys belong on a farm, i think. Mine does, and I'm smack-dab in the middle of what I thought I wanted: an historic home with sidewalks and tall trees within view of the Oklahoma Capitol dome. And, my children. They want to live on a farm. So, I think to be honest about what we want, we must first be honest with ourselves about who we are.
Posted by jenx67 on 11/03/2009 at 01:32pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Really, I could not be happier for you and your boys. Boys belong on a farm, i think. Mine does, and I'm smack-dab in the middle of what I thought I wanted: an historic home with sidewalks and tall trees within view of the Oklahoma Capitol dome. And, my children. They want to live on a farm. So, I think to be honest about what we want, we must first be honest with ourselves about who we are.
Posted by jenx67 on 11/03/2009 at 01:33pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
"If you build it, they will come." Congratulations. I hope they'll be happiness and purpose in my future as well.
Posted by shana on 11/03/2009 at 02:47pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
the quote is actually, "If you build it, he will come" but you knew what I mean ;)
Posted by shana on 11/03/2009 at 02:49pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Why do you have to own it to live on it? Just be happy Penelope, the rest will work itself out. If this marriage doesn't work out you will not want *this* farm anyway.
Posted by Meg Bear on 11/03/2009 at 03:16pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Are you trying to make sure he gets to keep the farm in the event of divorce, or the opposite? If it's a problem with farm land generally how would buying another one help? Or is it something to do with this particular farm?
Posted by Caitlin on 11/03/2009 at 04:08pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
When my Wisconsin husband and I were first married we lived on his family's farm. Due to the economy at the time, his family quit their dairy business and eventually sold the farm. I was heartbroken, even though I had lived there only a few short years.
That was 30 years ago. Shortly thereafter, my husband and I were able to buy another farm in the same neck of the woods. Guess what, this one means more to us than his family farm ever could. Because it's ours. It's the farm we bought together and raised our children on together.
The love you have will be the same whether you live on his parents' farm or your own. Your boys will thrive just the same, maybe even more. Land is something we never really own, because it's always there for someone else. It's what we do with it, and how we live on it during our time, that makes land what it is.
Posted by avant garde designer on 11/03/2009 at 04:26pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Question for Penelope: Do the parents still live there? On your about the farmer, the part about the party line telephone, it sounds like they do.
Posted by avant garde designer on 11/03/2009 at 04:36pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Count me among those who want to live there too!
I've been thinking about acquiring a hobby farm–maybe 5 or so acres–upon which to either retire or to hide if society falls into chaos. If you have a little creek on that property, it would be perfect.
Posted by VEH on 11/03/2009 at 04:49pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Lovely! The posts about you and the farmer and the farm make me so happy.
Posted by Kristin Ohlson on 11/03/2009 at 06:25pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
The words of this post complement the photo very well from the peaceful surroundings of the farm to the fork in the road.
Where I belong based on nice childhood memories – a cabin on a lake with a nice beach for swimming and a boat to go fishing.
Posted by Mark W. on 11/03/2009 at 06:45pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope,
I'm originally from Wisconsin and graduated from UW Madison, so naturally I'm very fond of the place and I enjoy reading about how much you like it, too. I've since moved away and have lived and/or spend considerable time in the Pacific NW, Southern California, the Carolinas, Boston, and New York City. In addition I've traveled to Japan, China, Thailand, and spend considerable time in Paris, France. While there are blowhards everywhere (especially the 'coasters' referring to the Midwest as the 'fly over states') I've found that if you work to really understand people it becomes quite clear why the live where they do. Also, I've learned that most people just want to wake everyday healthy, earn a living, play with their kids, and kiss their spouse goodnight.
On Wisconsin!
-Dave
Posted by Dave on 11/03/2009 at 06:48pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope;
I am really happy that I discovered you on the net. I have always felt different, people tell me I different, my daughters (13 & 16)would agree. I have had four carriers. Started out in broadcast equipment sales, started a computer animation company, I was the only employee, an animator.
Built computers for other animators and editors, Mr. Mom, Real Estate Investor (pretty much lost my shirt with this one and remain cold to this day) now I'm back selling technology. I'm really want to move to the home I built and cant sell in Costa Rica, on the beach. I love surfing more than just about anything on this world except for my kids and the gentle touch of a woman. That beach in Costa Rica is where it feels really nice to be. Oh yea… I'm also getting divorced from a beautiful woman and my dear friend.
I remember that Neil Young recently said;
"Spending your time in this old jail cell, sometime life just goes to hell with one bad hand."
I'll keep reading your Blog.
Richard Sher
.
Posted by Richard Sher on 11/03/2009 at 10:22pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Where in Costa Rica?
My husband and i drove from Playa Samara, to Arenal, to the top of Monteverde, to manuel antonio (we wished we'd stayed atop the mountain or the secluded Samara for longer!) In samara, we stayed in a small place called entre dos aguas that is run by an american couple–the woman was our age and from Milwaukee-where we live! It gave us hope for possibly moving there some day! Now, your post called to me as well!
Kateri Keller
Posted by Kateri Keller on 11/04/2009 at 08:26am | permalink | Reply to this comment
If i have money, i will choose to live here too, may be we could neighborhod
Posted by http://resources.alibaba.com/discussion_board/119/Sales_Marketing.htm on 11/04/2009 at 01:54am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope;
I am just learning about this blogging thing. is this reply
"If i have money, i will choose to live here too, may be we could neighborhod"
from you or another reader?
(Thank you who ever you are BTW)
One more thing, I need and want to understand the Blogging process better than I do now. Would some one out the recomend resources for me to use. I have a blog but I have trouble managing it and getting other people to find me in the blogasphere. http://richardsher-digital-art.blogspot.com/
Please have a look at what I have created if you don't mind and for some eye candy (art work) please have a look at my web site.
http://www.richardsherdigitalart.com
Thank you all so very much;
Richard Sher
Posted by Richard Sher on 11/04/2009 at 08:36am | permalink | Reply to this comment
your house for sale? where? how much?
Posted by Kateri Keller on 11/04/2009 at 09:14am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Well said Penelope.
"…if you don’t know what you want, you can’t even know which way to move…"
Admitting what you REALLY want may be the hardest step to overcome, but once you do, once you realize what is most important to you, actually getting there becomes so much easier. Cheers!
Posted by Matt Cheuvront on 11/04/2009 at 05:29am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Matt;
This is something I will ponder because it hits home like a enormous gong.
I have struggled with this issue since I can remember.
I'm in the heart of it now Matt.
Sincerely;
Richard Sher
.
Posted by Richard Sher on 11/04/2009 at 09:23am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope,
My mother, chris keller, forwarded your blog to me and I read it out loud to my husband, danny, yesterday. We are barely 30 and are desperate and motivated to be where we want and to have what we want. The two years until danny finishes school and we can move is an eternity. I research daily about where we should/could live–abroad, somewhere warmer, in europe–we desperately want to go back–we want to be a part of the lifestyle and the culture there. Also, to be close to water, to the woods, to the grass and trees–perhaps out east with mountains as well. I feel drawn to excitement in the city, however, the older I get it always disappoints when compared to natural or historical beauty of the world.
Staying present and grounded is difficult while swimming in thoughts of where will we be? How will we live? Set amongst the beauty of the european history and art or waking each day to feel the salty breeze of the shore? Will we teach english abroad in Africa or the Philippines?
We are determined to be honest and true to our hearts about what we want, however it seems that we are not sure what we want, exactly. We do know one thing for sure is that we want out of Milwaukee, WI and into the world.
Trying to figure it out,
Kateri Keller
Posted by Kateri Keller on 11/04/2009 at 08:21am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Kateri,
Something to remember…we always want want we don't have and when we look back to something we no longer have, we wish we had it back.
Two years is such a short time in the scope of things. And being in school, even as you approach 30, is still a memorable time. Cherish the time while you have it, because someday you'll look back at it with fondness. Milwaukee too!
Posted by sophie on 11/05/2009 at 07:05am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Damn, you have such a way of nailing the thing I need to hear most. I have spent my whole life afraid to say what I want because when I was young and asked, I rarely got it. So with arms wide open, I am asking for it now. No more excuses. What the h** my other approach was not working anyway.
Posted by Nancy Carroll on 11/04/2009 at 08:51am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Man, farm life sure sounds great. So beautiful, peaceful and serene. Unless you actually have to make a living at it. Then it's countless hours of work, ranging from the backbreaking (bailing hay, shoveling manure) to the agonizingly tedious (driving a tractor or combine all night long) to the just plain disgusting (plucking chickens, castrating pigs). If my dad were still alive, he would consider my office job one long vacation.
Assuming this farm thing works out, I hope P and the farmer have a crystal clear understanding on the chores that her kids will be expected to do.
Posted by JR on 11/04/2009 at 09:08am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope -
Thanks for educating me. I had no idea farms worked so differently from, say, the family home. There is much to be considered, and whatever decisions are made impact the family income, as well as living situation. Very complex. And constant attention and care goes into this kind of business. Seems to me that having a farm requires the same kind of care that a marriage needs.
Posted by Marsha Keeffer on 11/04/2009 at 12:00pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
this post makes my hearty happy. Thanks for reminding me to be a bit less scared about hanging out my own shingle.
Posted by kat on 11/04/2009 at 02:24pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
this really struck a heartwarming chord. thank you, Penelope.
i think it's so essential to find a "safe" place. sometimes it's difficult to listen to your heart and not your head, but finding that memory and emotion that that puts you in a comfortable spot can lead you where you need to be.
Posted by Lyndsay on 11/04/2009 at 03:32pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I inherited my grandfather's farm and house. I thought it was great when I got it but the reality of taking care of the property and being half hour away from the nearest town made living there painful. Now I'm back in the city and visit the farm occasionally.
Posted by C Joe Sanchez on 11/04/2009 at 03:54pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Do you know that song The Farmer Wants a Wife? Well, he wants you, darling, so what the hell are you waiting for? You don't need to own that property to live there and enjoy it. No need for pre-nups, the farm belongs to the land. You can keep your property in your name for your kids to own one day.
No, I'm not a lawyer, just a romantic and idealist. Please give me a happy ending:)
Posted by Annabel Candy on 11/04/2009 at 09:58pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Great post. You must be having a good day. Bodes well for your future. Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life. Make the most of it!
Posted by Randy Domolky on 11/04/2009 at 10:38pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
No doubt you will work things out. If not with the farmer and you and the two of you and his family, you will for yourself and yours.
It seems like a lovely place. To have those open skies and colors of nature at hand. Really very nice. I only have to look at my garden and look at the sky and feel better because of the light, clouds, the changes.
Posted by Mascha on 11/05/2009 at 06:49am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Hi Penelope,
I have been reading you for over a year and decided to jump into the conversation. A many years ago I married a pig farmer- Ohio pig farmer. Your post got me thinking- as a kid I loved the city and the hustle and bustle- I love the subways, trains and the noise. I thought that I could live on a farm- I couldn't. I am back in a big city!
You on the other hand love nature and him! What a perfect combination- take the leap and jump. and remember the words of our beloved Dr Suess
"You know you're in love when you can't
fall asleep because reality is finally
better than your dreams."
Keep inspiring is and helping us get through our stuff…
Posted by Karen McCullough on 11/05/2009 at 09:06am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Why don't you really say how it is Penelope and quit sugar coating it. How are you really going to "get your farm"? We all want to know. If you are such a successful person why don't you just buy your own farm and leave a family farm alone?
Sincerely, 1 of the cute little farm people from the wedding (your words verbatim)
Posted by Amanda on 11/05/2009 at 12:11pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Ouch.
Posted by Anonymous on 11/05/2009 at 04:40pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
so, reading this posting was extremely helpful to me because i know now that i can say (out loud) what i want and it won't all fall to pieces because i did.
what do i want? a job that allows me to help people, but not have to follow-up with them to see: if they are using the help properly; if they need more help; if that wasn't the right help; etc.
i'd like to be an information consultant (i have other ideas about making money doing other things i love, too, but those can wait).
does anybody have any advice about how to break into information consulting?
Posted by lauri on 11/05/2009 at 03:49pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Playing in my yard with my 13 cats and 3 dogs. We were a big happy family. I ran out of names so started calling them Fluffy1, Fluffy2, Fluffy 3….
:)
Posted by Trainerpack on 11/05/2009 at 06:00pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I definitly agree!
Posted by ION Consultants on 11/05/2009 at 11:01pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I am afraid to want to live there because I can't really control if I live there. It's between the farmer and his parents. Sounds like the parents own the farm and they don't especially want you there.
Posted by transfer smart on 11/06/2009 at 01:40am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Thanks for your thoughts. it is looking that we have to more work hard in the field. But nice article to gain some good knowledge.
Posted by Indian Government Recruitment on 11/06/2009 at 02:02am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Some of my happiest memories of my childhood were spending time on my grandparents farm. There is no way to describe it, unless you have experienced it. I wish you the best.
Posted by Christine on 11/06/2009 at 10:58am | permalink | Reply to this comment
you make a lot of sense even though many times the reality of our childhood dreams are really just childhood images that we admired. As we get older if those dreams are still before us then we should consider revisiting them, but not necessarily living our entire lives in those dreams. We have to be sure what we want.
Posted by comcast bill pay on 11/07/2009 at 11:51am | permalink | Reply to this comment
More proof of the innate wisdom of children – we sort it out while we are still intuiting the world and then get educated to 'unlearn' all of that. Adulthood is just digging through the debris to find all that wisdom again.
Posted by Alison Rodriguez on 11/08/2009 at 07:50am | permalink | Reply to this comment
good luck! and I'm hoping you and the farmer will think about growing native plants as well as all that corn….
Posted by karen on 11/09/2009 at 04:10pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Thanks for sharing,
like it very much~!
Rainy
Posted by Baiyu.Yan on 11/11/2009 at 03:37am | permalink | Reply to this comment
My childhood memory was sitting 4-5 boys in a room playing football-manager collectively, og the green text screen of an amstrad. Today I work with IT in a role where I interact with a lot of different people and I'm quite happy :-)
Posted by Allan Ebdrup on 11/16/2009 at 02:35pm | permalink | Reply to this comment