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After my first visit to the farm, I quickly invited myself back. "I'm coming there without my kids," I told him.
When I got there, he made me hamburger that was shaped a little too much like how it might have looked in the cow's body, and then he asked me what I wanted.
"I want this to be a date," I said.
"And then what do you want?"
"Well. I don't know. I guess we kiss. That's what you do on a date."
The farmer laughed. And he asked me if I thought I could live on a farm.
I said no. I said I was thinking this would be a summer fling.
I'm sure I don't need to tell you that he is not the summer fling type.
I sat across from him at his kitchen table thinking that he is so simple and stupid for thinking I could be serious about him.
After dinner we walked through his fields, over his creek, and next to his hay, and an hour later I thought that I am so simple and stupid for thinking that just because he is a farmer, I am not serious.
So I went back to the farm three times in one week to negotiate how a date might work. Each time I felt like I was crazy. What am I doing with a farmer? I am already sometimes sleeping only four hours a night. There is no room in my life for anything but kids and work.
The next time I was there, it was time to put the chickens back in the house or pen or whatever it is that they live in. I noticed that the farmer sort of encourages them to go to the house, but really, they could get away at any time. But they go back to the house because he gives them everything they could want there.
One hen will not come in. The farmer waits. He negotiates. Then he walks away. He says the hen is not ready. I worry out loud that she will be eaten by coyotes. He says she will decide to go in before that happens, and he'll be there. He says it's timing.
The timing is what gets me, though. This is not a good time in my life to fall for a farmer. Of all the things to invest my time in, this is not one of them. It's not something that will work out. So moments of doubt turn into time-management panic.
Like, at the end of our second date, the farmer walked me to my car, which was on his front lawn, and he kissed me goodnight. I got in the car and looked behind me, and somehow, in the span of seconds between going from the car back to the house, he started peeing. On the front lawn.
I got out of the car.
"Are you kidding me?!!? Are you peeing on your front lawn? Are you nuts?"
"This is normal."
"No. This is not normal!"
He laughs.
I laugh.
But I am not sure we are laughing for the same reasons.
"On the farm you pee outside if you're outside and you pee inside if you're inside."
I tell him this is a huge cultural gap and we have a huge problem.
I come back the next day even though the more things are weird with the farmer the more I worry that I am making a poor time management decision by spending time with him.
The next day, he is very tired. He woke up at 4 a.m. because he heard thunder and he knew that the mother who has new twin calves would lose one in the rain. He went out and found the lost one and brought it back to the mom.
He tells me this story while we sit on the sofa on his porch. This is where we do everything. I hope we will make out on the sofa. But he is tired. And I am scared of being rebuffed, so we talk.
"How much would it cost you to lose a calf?"
"About $200."
"You do all that work for months and months just for $200?"
"It's not that much work every day for one calf. This is an exception. But bringing the calf back to its mother is not about the money. It's about taking care of the animal."
You can see where this is headed, right? We have this conversation 500 times.
Here's another version, different day, same porch:
"I can't move to the farm because I have so much more money than you do. I will get into the same situation with my last marriage. I will have all the power and it will be terrible."
"I don't think you have more money. I have more money. "
"You made $15,000 last year. And it was a good year. I made $15,000 for one speech just last week."
"You make a lot of money, but you spend it. You're in debt."
"It's about cash flow. I have a lot coming in. I could have a lot. If I decided to be good with money."
"My land is worth $2 million."
"Really!??! That's so exciting!"
"I'd never sell it. The land means way more to me than the money. And it's ridiculous that you spend $200 on a pair of jeans."
So I do this drive, this three-hour drive, again and again to see the farmer. Because I feel like I am understanding myself better and better as I go farther and farther from where I think I belong. Until I find myself in a tornado, ignoring his phone calls to tell me that a tornado is too dangerous and I should stay home.
I read that people do totally crazy things when they are in love, but how do you explain me driving to the farm in a tornado to negotiate something that is not a summer fling while we sort of start having a summer fling? If I can't count it toward being in love, then does it just count toward losing my mind?
But I don't think I'm losing my mind. For example, I know it's the farmer's understanding that my children matter most that makes him hard to regard as just a summer fling.
One of the times I had the kids with me, I spent most of my time worrying that they would get into trouble, while the farmer did things like help them climb up onto hay scrunched up into sushi-shaped rolls that were too large for the kids to get down from. And then he said, "Thank you for yelling at the kids for stepping on the corn so I could focus on just having fun on the farm with them."
For a while the farmer was very careful about the kids only coming on days he could be around, because of things like the electric fence, which he has memories of as a kid that include falling on it while riding a bicycle and getting shocked fifty times.
But then I got an email from him that said, "You are welcome at my house with the boys. I trust your judgment and I think you know most of the dangers. But remind me to take the gun out of the house."
I never thought I'd get an email about a gun that was so touching.
So I cut back on work. But I still did an interview with a teacher's publication while sitting on the farmer's front porch. He laid down next to me with his arm on my leg. He said he likes hearing me work but he also likes that I don't bring the Blackberry when I go to his fields.
"There's reception in the field?"
"Yeah. Other people bring it there when they visit."
I don't tell him that I would have brought it if I'd have known. Because I don't want to be that person. But it's so scary that this might go on too long and be squandered time.
I snuggle up next to him on the porch and I tell him that he makes me nervous because I'm risking so much for him.
He says, "What exactly are you risking?" And he points out that he has agreed to allow his very private life to be the subject of very public blog posts, which makes him nervous.
I am silent. I feel awkward because I'm supposed to be the queen of work life balance. But I tell him that cutting back on work seems like a huge risk to me.
I know that people who are workaholics are scared of two things: Not being great at work, and having to face an empty personal life. And I'm worried about both. It's so hard to cut back on work that I adore to see a guy who is a complete wild card in my life. But I see now that the farmer doesn't need to be THE ONE. And there's value for me to just stop working so hard. That's the first step. I'm just lucky I found someone who makes me want to try that.
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Why do I hear the theme song to Green Acres playing in my head?
Posted by Joel on 06/27/2008 at 08:54am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I don't want to discount the fact that you sound like you found someone you really like (WHY you like him is a different conversation), but I think it's worth considering that you might want to just slow down a bit. It hasn't been that long since the divorce, maybe you just want to slow down and give your kids some extra attention and concentrate on recuperating emotionally and psychologically after what must have been a stressful ordeal, instead of jumping right back into the whole man-hunt. Can't be healthy.
Posted by Ed Borden on 06/27/2008 at 09:12am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I'm absolutley captivated by this post. And what appears to be going on with you and the Farmer.
Maybe Ed (above) is right. I have no way of knowing. But what little I do know makes me think that you have found precisely the right person for you. And for your kids.
I'm really rooting for this to work out.
Posted by mary on 06/27/2008 at 09:17am | permalink | Reply to this comment
You belittle yourself and him when you use the word 'Stupid'.
Separate money from success and you will free your soul to happiness.
Posted by Ken on 06/27/2008 at 09:21am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Do as I say, not as I do huh Ed? Look, this is not a personal blast or flame or what ever its called online now a days. But how do you know what she has been through and/or enough to know that she isn't ready? You are asking her to assess her feelings and emotional condition but yet you don't know much less look to find out how she feels. You are simply coming across to me as pessimistic and cynical.
No one will know how this will work out so spare yourself your time. NO one. Not even Penelope.
Slowing down, speeding up, etc. Thats just game playing. Don't play games. For as long as you are not a teenager, a young adult or come from an abusive family – then you are more than trustworthy to go with the flow. Some people move fast because they want to cut through the nonsense while others want to take their time and be cautious.
But beware! Both run the risk of spoiling a potentially good thing. This is where the "flow" becomes truly important.
Good luck!
Posted by Alex on 06/27/2008 at 09:26am | permalink | Reply to this comment
You deserve happiness Penelope. I wish you the best.
Posted by NKL on 06/27/2008 at 09:29am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Congrats, P. I hear Matt McConahey also pees outside; it's probably more common than we think.
Posted by mamaworker on 06/27/2008 at 09:37am | permalink | Reply to this comment
A few things:
* First, PLEASE, please, please publish more fiction. You are way too talented to deprive the world of that part of yourself. And your non-linear narratives: brilliant–more so than I think even you allow yourself to believe. The allegory of the hen returning to the comfort of the roost in her own time–sublime.
* The brazen career insight at the end, on workaholics' fears, was insightful and spot on. (I am a much better manager and person because of unflinchingly forthright posts like this one and the one on being late [3/11/2004] which has been a problem that has plagued everyone in my father's family for 3 generations.)
* And finally, if the farmer is truly as wonderful as you portray him to be and his lovin' is as great as his emotional maturity, don't let fear and self-doubt cause you to miss out on the opportunity for long-term rejoicing. Go for it.
Posted by Reginald on 06/27/2008 at 09:45am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I'm a huge fan of your blog. I discovered it after reading the article that featured you in the New York Times. Anyways, I find myself in a similar situation. I'm dating someone who makes less than $20,000 a year, I make more money than him, he's not in debt, but I am, he doesn't feel he needs to make or spend a lot of money, he's perfectly happy as is and doesn't care to try making more money, and if he had land worth $2 million, I'm sure he would say it means to much to sell it also.
We live in northern WI (I graduated from UW-Madison and miss Madison terribly, but that's another story), so it's possible to live a decent life on his small salary and my writer's salary. For the first year or two, I truely admired how he just loved his life and didn't worry about money or material things. He was content.
However, after four years, I don't know if I can do it anymore. Our differences have taken their toll. I still want to go to nice restaurants every once in a while, see movies, travel, etc. Nothing lavious, just simple pleasures here and there (nice restaurants up here only cost $50 or less for a dinner for two). However, if I want to do any of those things, I have to pay b/c he doesn't want to spend that much money, and he doesn't have that money to spend anyways. And then I think if we have kids in the future, I'll be the one paying for almost everything, and I'll get really frustrated with that. I can't save up any money b/c I have to spend it to do the things I want to do, and I don't live a luxurious or materialistic life at all. I see my other friends who have spouses who make more money, and they have less stress and can really just enjoy life. I find myself constantly stressed about finances and sadly, I blame him for them and resent him for it a lot of the time.
I constantly tell myself, relationships are not about money. I love him, he loves me, that's all that matters. But, I'm starting to realize there's so much more than that. He's content living paycheck to paycheck. And he loves what he's doing and where he lives, he'd never ever consider leaving. However, I may want to live somewhere else someday, who knows what the future will bring. But, if I stay with him, I know exactly how my future will be. We will be exactly where we are now, and we'll be having the same financial struggles b/c he will never make more money.
I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer. I'm just saying that yes, at first it is wonderful to meet someone like that, and it makes you see life in a different way and makes you appreciate simplicity. However, I'm an educated, driven, ambitious woman and to be with someone like that has proven very, very difficult in the long run.
Maybe things will be different for you two. I sure hope so. I just thought I'd let you know my experience in case it might help.
I look forward to reading more about your relationship and seeing if your experience may be able to help me as well.
Posted by Kat on 06/27/2008 at 09:45am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Granted, you're a great writer. But he sounds positively wonderful. And he's right about those $200 jeans.
Posted by Priscilla on 06/27/2008 at 09:47am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Ugh, I'm such a female. I teared up reading your post this morning. I, too, am with a farm boy. And I too am struggling with him screwing up my very rigorous routine. Since we started dating I have gained 5 lbs, gotten out of training shape, and went TWO WEEKS without posting a blog (OK, I was sick, but STILL).
I was so unbelievably scared as I fell in love with him. This SO was not part of the plan, and it really wasn't a good time. I had way too much to do, important things, great big things! My sister stopped me in my tracks as I contemplated pulling the plug before things went too far. She said, "Holly, I passed up a lot of great guys in my 20s because I thought I wasn't ready. Now look at me." At 31, she's decided she's ready, and guess what? She can't find anybody.
At any rate, I decided to simply let go. I believe in something bigger than myself, and that whatever it is wants me to be happy, joyous and free. I surrendered to life and to love, whatever the consequences. You simply can't go through life being afraid.
This isn't a dress rehearsal, P. This is what we've got. Grab it, embrace it, and if it all goes to hell, you'll fix it.
Oh, and my ex once peed on the Petrified Forest. Men are men.
Posted by Holly Hoffman on 06/27/2008 at 09:55am | permalink | Reply to this comment
IMHO, there is always a unique fascination when worlds collide! Why would anyone want to inhabit the world other than the one I know? If nothing else, this is a unique learning experience.
Posted by Bob on 06/27/2008 at 09:57am | permalink | Reply to this comment
You are enjoying yourself. You are finding a new work/life balance. This is a formative experience. Enjoy happiness when it comes calling. Making a connection with someone is important whether or not he becomes THE ONE. Stay in the moment and quit trying to look ahead. I hate to say "what will be will be", because it sounds trite, but it's true. It is not only possible but advisable to just enjoy yourself once in a while!
Posted by pippi on 06/27/2008 at 10:28am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Thank you for the post.
It made me think of something my sister-in-law and writing partner said: "We all need, at the very least, a lighthouse.”
Posted by David Gane on 06/27/2008 at 10:33am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I'm in LOVE with him already. I gotta get a shirt that says "Team Farmer" so I can be official. Even if it doesn't work out, the meaning will go far beyond the person…
Kind of reminds me of a quote from Carrie (SATC). "I admit it's tempting to wish for the perfect boss, or the perfect parent, or the perfect outfit, but maybe the best any of us can do is not quit. Play the hand we've been given, and accessorize the outfit we've got"…Good luck P!
Posted by Kiersten Mitchell on 06/27/2008 at 10:35am | permalink | Reply to this comment
This has all the makings of a Kevin Costner movie.
Posted by Adam on 06/27/2008 at 10:40am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I think it's telling that people are already suggesting that you "slow down". *rolls eyes* As if anyone has a claim on the best advice for relationships. This is one of my massive peeves, as evidenced by my blog post about it.
P – I love hearing about this. I think we get addicted to work because we have (seemingly) more control over it.
Posted by Lane on 06/27/2008 at 10:50am | permalink | Reply to this comment
He doesn't have to be the one, but he should be the one for the rest of your life. For the sake of your kids, do not think this guy will "be good enough for now".
Posted by Shane on 06/27/2008 at 10:52am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Thanks again for sharing the "real deal" on how life and work HAVE to be team players. No other blog covers this topic with such honesty, and wit!
BTW, I WISH I could pee outside…but that goes back 15 years to being trapped on the highway in the middle of a blizzard, and watching all the guys walking to the side of the road, and let fly. I had to pee in a pringles can in the back of the car (while my boyfriend laughed)!
Posted by Jenn S. on 06/27/2008 at 10:57am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Stop playing games with this guy. He sounds a very decent fellow, and if you're not willing to be honest with him about who you are ("I didn't tell him … because I didn't want to be ….), then you are doing BOTH of you a disservice.
AND your kids. Kids don't understand "summer fling." Kids understand, "Dad's not with us so much anymore now, and here's this nice guy who spent so much time with us last summer but now he's gone … what's wrong with us that these men don't hang around?"
You're dealing with a recent divorce. Your emotions are nuts, you're lonely, you're starved for affection, etc. You don't NEED a summer fling. You need to step back, slow down, and develop a friendship. Maybe it will progress beyond that; maybe not. But you're flying down the freeway, and you'd better put the brakes on. Especially since he seems to have made it clear that he isn't "the summer fling type."
Oh, and the French are very fond of "le pipi rustique." It might have been more appropriate to wait until you were out of sight, and most folks I know who indulge in "le pipi" do it a bit more privately, but it's not abnormal. If you'd been in suburbia, yeah, weird. But not on a farm.
Posted by Editormum on 06/27/2008 at 10:57am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Aside from this being a hugely sweet and interesting story, I can't help but see how it illustrates the principle of where your treasure is, that's where your heart is, too.
So thanks for opening up your horizons and negotiating – probably mostly with yourself – about what is is that you value most, and for telling that story. Because it's a more common story than you'd think. I'm thinking of everyone who writes and talks and struggles with what we have so interestingly dubbed "work/life balance."
The term itself is such a misnomer, to me, because people who are worried about work/life balance are people who are prone to be workaholics, not those who place more value on the life side of the equation than the work one.
You don't read work/life balance stories about people who have too much "life" struggling to be happy and satisfied, do you? I mean, I never have….
So to me, it's such a revolutionary thing going on when careerists stop saying, "how can I squeeze more life into my schedule?," "how can I make time for my kids and still put in 60 hour weeks?" (the answer, it seems to me, is to sleep only four or five hours a night, and I am just getting plain worn out by that) and start asking, what do I really want to value most, and can I become the sort of person who puts that first, even if it means putting less time into my career? And can I realize that is not a devastating but rather an exciting proposition… because I can maybe put less time into the career side… and still be successful at it.
Posted by Tiffany Monhollon on 06/27/2008 at 11:05am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Life is short – have some fun.
Enjoy this courting period – for not matter what happens next, its is the sweetest part. Throwing questions out there and not needing answers is a luxury you only get early on. Savor it.
By the way – my dad is a "poor" farmern and has a net worth most i-bankers only dream about. He and my mom are paying cash to build a 5000 square foot home on their farm, so be careful about your income assumptions. Just because your farmer says he make $15k last year does not mean he doesn't have wealth – all farming expenses are tax deductions. My father would always buy a $100k piece of farm equipment or build a new building when he was having a good year to control his tax burden.
Posted by Heidi on 06/27/2008 at 11:11am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Sorry about all of the typos in the previous entry – commenting at work is always a bad idea.
Posted by Heidi on 06/27/2008 at 11:12am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Hi Penelope,
Just wanted to say I entirely agree about the stress of new relationships. If we allow ourselves to work less/write less, there is that constant wonder about if the trade off is worth it, that we might be wasting our time with this person. I get that same anxiety and I wonder if it happens to everyone or just writers.
I say this only because writers have to be self motivated and minimize distractions. Romance is a distraction of the creative sort, that in some ways, can make us feel mentally drained afterwards. It's really a conundrum. On the other hand if I am mad at a lover I can write for days and days.
The money issue. Your farmer made some pretty good points. Obviously you are cautious about money and its connection to power. But was it really that you made more money than your ex, that you both were conscious of it and used it as relationship currency, or that he didn't agree with your spending habits??? I have to ask if you are still in counseling post break-up because you have already pinpointed some individual hangups you have with money and love that you need to hash out.
Posted by Phreaked on 06/27/2008 at 11:16am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Don't worry about the peeing. It's a guy thing. I work in construction and supervise between 40 and 50 men daily. Every week in our toolbox safety meetings, I have remind them where they can and can't pee.
I was also in the Army and had the same issue. I'm convinced it's just a Mars/Venus thing and move on.
I figure as long as he's not peeing in public places, ignore it. It's certainly not a show-stopper in the grand scheme of life.
Posted by Lisa on 06/27/2008 at 12:05pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Kat is right. Opposites attract, then they drive each other crazy. Extreme savers are not compatible with extreme spenders. Do anybody not know this?
Posted by Bill on 06/27/2008 at 12:07pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Hey, just heard you on WNYC. I'm not so interested in the fact that you are or are not an asshole, but rather that your project of apparent techno-utopianism and work-glorification are simply naiive and bad politics. Have you ever even glanced at Marx? Intensification and extensification of the work day? Surplus value? Is there really so much pride in slavery? Read some Caffentzis, some Hardt/Negri, some Klein. The current crises (financial, energy, ecological…) are coming straight out of the ideologies you tacitly espouse.
Posted by Liam on 06/27/2008 at 12:10pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Hi there,
First of all, unlike Jesse, who wrote nothing about you and volumes about him(her)self, I think it's great that you're using this forum to process through your life.
I picked up on your blog a few months ago, and subscribed because of one comment: that you'd gone to your therapist to explore your role in the failure of your marriage. I've been a psychotherapist for 25 years, and I've only had that request a few times. Most people simply blame their ex, move on, and repeat the same blunders in the next rel.
Anyway, I'm in year 22 of my THIRD marriage, so early on I was a bit think relationships wise.
I mention this because of my curiosity – I'm wondering if you've established criteria for a new relationship, or whether you've "stumbled" into this one. All of us have several principles that are, for us, essential. Getting involved with someone is on the opposite side of one of those key parameters is a recipe for endlessly trying either to "fix" one's partner, or (once the romance wears off..) the realization that your partner dos not "get you, and never will.
It's not about right or wrong – it's about balance and harmonious purpose.
I wrote a booklet for my clients about all of this, (among other booklets…) and last year turned it into a book, simply because I saw people walking into relationships blindly, transfixed by Hollywood hype that somehow magic will happen and "we'll live happily ever after."
I'd be glad to send you a copy of the pdf – you've got my e-mail.
Again, thanks for being willing to be so open and tentative.
Posted by Wayne Allen on 06/27/2008 at 12:11pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I can't believe you fell for the farmer.
Posted by Chris Clarke on 06/27/2008 at 12:51pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope, This was your best post in a long time. Your willingness to be so open about your personal life is why I began to read your blog over a year ago.
Posted by Chris on 06/27/2008 at 12:51pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
You summed it up beautifully in the end. This may not amount to a relationship, but it's definitly a learning experience. Good for you! :)
Posted by Ed F. on 06/27/2008 at 12:56pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
you're sure that you are not just HIS summer fling? Farming is totally seasonal, you know…a time to reap and a time to sow.
Posted by MrAtoZ on 06/27/2008 at 01:10pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penenlope,
I'm happy for you to be feeling some joy finally.
Maybe you could think of things in terms of currency, instead of money?
You have one kind of currency (money) that that you value. And the farmer offers another kind of currency, which also has value.
Love, respect, compassion, and affection are all important currencies.
In my experience, when those are lacking in my primary relationship, I seem to place more emphasis on money.
When I feel like my partner loves and respects me, has compassion for my faults, and provides me with loads of affection, I don't seem to care how much money he has.
Posted by kristi on 06/27/2008 at 01:14pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Wow. I have no idea where to begin. What does this have to do with taming workaholic tendencies? This is just about some dude you are dating.
Posted by Charles on 06/27/2008 at 01:50pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Since we're now starting to talk of narratives and fiction, I'd be curious to hear how reliable I should consider the narrator.
Is the narrator/"Penelope" truly an accurate depiction of your thoughts and feelings? Or is "Penelope" yet another mask, another narrative device?
Posted by Chris Yeh on 06/27/2008 at 02:18pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
At first I thought this was a little too much info about your personal trevails, but I like how you worked in the work/life balance issue for workaholics.
But…
"You belittle yourself and him when you use the word ‘Stupid’" Truth! And "kids don't understand 'summer fling'" – keep them out of it unless you're prepared to deal with the fallout. It's the kid part that's moving too fast – you're a grown woman and know what you're doing. They don't have a clue.
Posted by prklypr on 06/27/2008 at 02:43pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Ever heard of The Pioneer Woman, Penelope?
City girl meets farmer, has kids, lives on farm, writes a blog, is a HUGE, HUGE success…
the way she's integrated sponsored posts and contests into her site is amazing. No questions ask about transparency from her readers…she's got a bonafide business on her hands, that woman.
http://thepioneerwoman.com/
Posted by Kathy on 06/27/2008 at 02:50pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
You can't control how anything turns out, of course. You can try to have a good time. Today.
What's that saying? Man plans. God laughs.
Posted by Mrs Hall on 06/27/2008 at 03:46pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I didn't think I could hate this blog anymore than I did. But after this post, I do.
Posted by Nick on 06/27/2008 at 04:07pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
This is not really a comment to the post, I just feel like I want to respond to this.
Penelope, you are completely nuts. In a brutally honest, vulnerable, and extremely common kind of way.
Do you write chick lit? Have you considered it? You'll be awesome; wait, you are already awesome… And we'll get a "sex and the city" kind of bestseller that women can really relate to.
Posted by jane on 06/27/2008 at 05:15pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Hey, the farmer makes as much a year as I do!
Posted by Nino on 06/27/2008 at 05:22pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Farmers in general realize that there is only so much in life that they can control since they are at the mercy of the weather. This in contrast to us workaholics who seek to gain control of our lives by working all the time.
Posted by Leslie on 06/27/2008 at 05:33pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
No one should date you until you change.
Posted by JB on 06/27/2008 at 06:10pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
What a beautiful beginning…
It sounds like you really lack peaceful surroundings in your day-to-day life. Let him be your peace. And don't feel guilty about it.
Posted by Jamie on 06/27/2008 at 06:27pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
And with all of your narcissistic tendencies and pretend sophistication this (fictitious) farmer cares about you? Of course not. You wouldn't care.
Nice try. I think you should give-up on the romance novel, Sex and The City, writing. Pure desperation in the world of attracting internet audiences.
Now, time to piss off the back deck.
Posted by Rob on 06/27/2008 at 08:11pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Hello Penelope,
I think this blogpost was very interesting. Where you talk about the cultural gaps. I am quite interested in enviromental issues. They also turn into economic issues as well.
Where he says, "You make a lot of money, but you spend it. You’re in debt." I keep wondering about this idea. This economy where we live in is all about spending money. Using things, and then throwing it away when they don't work. To buy new stuff. In the end we HAVE to work, to sustain this kind of lifestyle and the environment has to take the blow.
I keep wondering about a economy where that wouldn't be neccessary. We don't really need to spend money to be happy, we are allowed to cut back from the work. I guess you in one way discover that when you go to that farmer.
I remember where you wrote a blogpost about deciding what to bring into the house, deciding if what you are about to buy is important or not. That is one step to a more sustainable world. It touched me.
I really hope that you'll continue talking to this farmer of yours. I hope that it will turn out good. He seems to have a good heart. I wish you the best.
Posted by Jonathan S on 06/27/2008 at 08:14pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Yep–there it is–the post about the farmer who pees outside! LOVE IT!
Inspired as I read this. Inspired to take a break from work. I need to find a place in good ol' CA where I can 'get away' for a while. Anyone know a place that has horrible cell reception? =)
Really excited for you. It's apparent that you like the Farmer, both through this post and in person. Enjoy it for what's it worth. My encouragement–don't worry so much about the future. Making plans and goals for the relationship means putting it into a box. What happens when it doesn't turn out as you'd hoped/planned? I don't mean having the relationship end, but what about if you think he should move to the city and that doesn't happen.
Just enjoy it. Be careful of the attachment from the kids. Believe in yourself that you'll make the best choice for you and the boys. You seem to be doing well so far. ;) Thanks for the super honest post into your personal life.
::hugs::
K
Posted by Karen on 06/27/2008 at 09:14pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
first of, nice post. interesting read overall.
second.. its good to know that he at least agreed to all this.. I mean.. some men won't like you posting about private stuff like peeing outside his house for the whole audience of millions or so to read. that make's him a good sport.. :D
third. isn't that Nino your ex-husband? he commented again eh? hahah good to know at least he tries to keep updated with what's going on on your side of the fence.
fourth.. good luck with that farming thing. Farming isn't my stuff too, but I do like hanging around greeneries once in a while. it's a good way to relax and try and forget office work tensions and sh*ts.
Posted by liquidskinn on 06/27/2008 at 09:45pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
You're the best, Penelope!
Posted by Esther on 06/28/2008 at 12:18am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I think this is my favorite post from you. Thanks for sharing it with us!
Posted by Naomi Niles on 06/28/2008 at 05:48am | permalink | Reply to this comment
"I am already sometimes sleeping only four hours a night."
This concerns me and should concern you for your sake and your children's sake. I hope you can manage at least six hours a night in the future. It would be a worthwhile goal to achieve.
Posted by Mark W. on 06/28/2008 at 09:01am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Okay, I gotta ask. Is this the same person who told us how critical it was to have our teeth whitened? Congratulations on finding some grounding and recognizing it as such, however ephemeral it may be.
Posted by Curmudgeon on 06/28/2008 at 11:01am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Gee, what very grown up thoughts you're having. Sure did generate a lot of comments.
Posted by Scott W. on 06/28/2008 at 02:07pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope I think you're on the path to a great love story.
Posted by Shannon on 06/28/2008 at 02:09pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
As a 56 year old single Canadian guy, I do not read your blogs for career advice; but I am fascinated with looking over your shoulder when you write things like this. It is just so much the opposite of where I am coming from. I post photos of my travels and have tried my hand at blogging. But I just can't imagine putting all my emotions and insecurities before the public. Definitely a guy thing. It is entertaining to watch as you do so though.
It is interesting to see the differences between the propaganda myths of the last few decades and the realities of today. In the eighties I was taught that women really wanted a nice intelligent sensitive mate; here in 2008 though I find that most women — at the least the ones single and available — are still looking for a big wallet and a MBA. As much as they talk Sex in the City I suspect that most would prefer an Omaha billionaire.
I too am out of debt with a low income. I can think of a lot of things to spend $10,000 on but would have no idea what I could possibly do with a million. The women my age looking for love are often rebounding from a divorce where they got to keep the house. There kids have left home and they are retiring from a government job with a steady pension. I don't stand a chance.
I also agree that kids don't understand "summer flings" — are you even divorced yet? So if you are going to do the deed — and I suspect that you already have — then please do not tell anyone about it!! (I must say that ever since you mentioned buying new underwear on Twitter last week my imagination has been in high gear).
Best of luck but knowing what I know about farmer types — which is a lot — you don't stand a chance if you keep writing about him. You need some privacy together.
Posted by CanadaGood on 06/28/2008 at 02:30pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Hi Penelope,
This is the first of your posts I felt joy coming from your words. You have consciously, or unconsciously, called this man into your life. Listen to what you are trying to teach yourself.
Best of luck!
Posted by Maureen on 06/28/2008 at 03:26pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
seems to beat the first guy for responsibility. is the same guy for achievement. very little. you seem to like guys that are not very competitive and achieving. this is not a compliment to you. you need to get used to making the money and being in charge, if you continue.
he will not bend to you forever. he obviously has his own mind and you will not be happy when he finally asserts it.
sorry.
Posted by drb on 06/28/2008 at 03:58pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Peeing in the yard – no big deal.
Peeing off the back porch – ok in my opinion, so long as the drainage is good and you aren't always hitting the same spot.
Peeing out the bedroom window – acceptable only if the alternative is hiking to an outhouse.
Posted by Oliver Wendell Douglas on 06/28/2008 at 07:07pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope v1 • How much money do you need to be happy? Hint: Your sex life matters more.
Penelope v2 – “I can’t move to the farm because I have so much more money than you do. I will get into the same situation with my last marriage. I will have all the power and it will be terrible.”
If one is to determine your character from this blog, one could conclude that you may FEEL like you should have a better work/life balance, you don't really want it. You are more fulfilled by your work accomplishments than by anything else. It's okay; it appears to be who you are right now.
Right now, you need a powerhouse metrosexual who doesn't really have time for you and your kids but squeezes in dinner a couple nights a week. (I don't think you'll be happy with Mr. Metro though, because then you won't be in charge/make more money/etc). Right now, it appears, money and power are what you want, more than you want balance in your life. In ten years, that could be different and then you can find a farmer.
I don't mean to sound critical. I only have what you write here. Be honest with yourself and don't let outside influences tell you what you SHOULD want or feel.
Lastly, thank you for sharing your struggles. People can either relate to what you're experiencing or they can feel grateful that they're not where you are.
Posted by rainie on 06/28/2008 at 07:48pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I am usually SO not an advice-giver; everyone is entitled to live his/her life as he/she chooses–as one commenter pointed out–you only live once. This post kind of ties into your recent bad advice post, because seeking relationship advice–especially in the wake of a divorce–is generally asking for punishment. Only you can know what you want and you don't have to ask permission–even if you think you're not, people sure feel free to either give it or deny it.
Myself included when I say these two things:
1) I think what Kat says is dead on; it's all fun and new now and nothing like being with someone new and totally different to make you feel that you can turn into a totally diffferent person. But as Oprah always says (yes, I do cite Oprah as a credible source of advice) "people don't change." This counts not only people we want to change but ourselves. Maybe this is just a fling and you're just happy you're able to relax and have fun with him–and I'm glad for that. But as for thinking you'll somehow morph into a porch-swing paced gal, I don't see it….but again, maybe that's not your intent at all.
2) The one thing you may want to consider is getting your boys attached to this guy–or any guy you're casually seeing. I have heard too many stories of kids getting attached to a guy and then if things don't work out they are left to deal with the double loss of the divorce and now this cool new guy they'd befriended and started to count on. I would imagine it's hard for you not to incorporate them into your dating life to some degree, since your free time sounds pretty limited, and the temptation to spend time with them AND share the fun of the farm seems like it would be a great idea, but I would honestly think twice before getting them to love the guy and the farm. And not only from their POV; the farmer may well get attached to them too and if things don't work out it would be a double loss for him too–I have a friend who was in a situation like that and honestly I think he was sadder to have to not have the girlfriend's daughter in his life than the actual girlfriend.
Posted by maggie on 06/29/2008 at 12:33am | permalink | Reply to this comment
And I am astounded/impressed/incredibly jealous that you can make $15,000 for one speaking engagement!! If I were you I'd be so psyched to be me I wouldn't need to date ;)
Posted by maggie on 06/29/2008 at 12:36am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Maybe you should just be happy instead of always trying to qualify to be happy.
Posted by Frank on 06/29/2008 at 01:31am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I'm sorry, but I just have to discuss this peeing outside thing, because it raises a red flag to me about something. I don't think it is the peeing outside, per se, which is bothering you, but I think I CAN tell you what IS bothering you about it. And please do show it to him.
The farmer is used to living by HIMSELF. When we live ALONE we all do things that for the sake of another person we shouldn't do publicly. Now his front lawn may be far from the road where no one would see, and it may be perfectly fine if he lives alone.
Now there is nothing wrong with doing it outside. What is bothering you is that he did not at least step behind a bush, that he did it PUBLICLY.
When you live with other people, you should make some adaptations for the sake of the other people's feelings. For example, if you are alone, and let out gas, who cares? Would you do the same thing right next to friends at a party? And then just say, "That's what people do."? Only a boor would do that.
I think this man may have some good characteristics, but I think he has some kind of issue which is coming out here, whether it is just laying his cards on the table saying he's never going to have "manners" for you or your friends. He might be saying that he thinks HIS feelings are more important than YOURS. So be careful here.
Now this could have just been a lapse in judgment, but I really don't think so. I think he's making a STATEMENT (consciously, or unconsciously). It's perfectly normal when you're married to leave the bathroom door open, or walk around naked, but do you behave the same when you have guests staying in the house? Most people wouldn't. And anyone who DID, I would have to either question their judgment, or wonder WHY they behaved that way in front of guests.
If you marry this man, ask yourself if he is setting the example for your children that you want. He should ask HIMSELF that, too.
The other thing I wanted to discuss is the issue of money. I don't think it's a problem if one person makes more money than the other one, or if the woman makes more than the man. I think what IS important is that both partners are contributing equally to the marriage. There are a lot of ways of contributing which are not monetary. I have one friend who is an editor (through telecommuting), and who also runs a travel agency. She married a man who doesn't read and write, but he's very personable, does all the cooking and cleaning, and does a lot of personal work taking care of clients for the agency, setting up guides (he also speaks four languages). They have an extremely successful marriage.
The farmer is right that his land is probably worth what he says.
It is clear he could contribute a home and food on the table, in addition to companionship and relaxation. He knows you have kids and is obviously willing to spend time with them and help raise them.
Would you be able to have an office at home, and telecommute?
If you get in a serious relationship with him, I would suggest not marrying him at least for a few months, and see if you could live at home, yet do your work, and see if your marriage could work that way.
What really makes a marriage work is the commitment of both parties. If you really love him and are both committed, you could make this work.
But are you attracted to him? I've had two husbands (the first one fifteen years, and the second one sixteen and counting), and in both cases, I thought each was "the one" within five minutes of meeting them. Sometimes an attraction "grows" on you after you know someone.
My suggestion is don't push this into a romantic relationship just because you are lonely. Maybe you are only supposed to be friends. If it is "right" you will not have ANY doubts about it. If you ARE having doubts, or feeling unsure, better to wait on the physical relationship part.
Best of luck. Please DO let us know what happens…..
Madame Monet, in Marrakesh
Writing, Painting, Music, and Wine
Posted by Madame Monet on 06/29/2008 at 02:03am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Ok. I made my comment earlier and managed to avoid the "peeing" thing but some of the recent comments are so absurd that I had to join back in.
First of all, lets get the terminology correct, grown male farmers do not tinkle in the bushes or pee on their front lawns. That is what little kids and female farmers do. The farmers that I know call it "pissing".
Second thing. I have not been on a farm in Minnesota, but the ones that I know of in Western Canada have so much nothing around them it would be absurd to run back into the house to answer the call of nature. It was probably dark — I don't expect that Ms Penelope left immediately after dinner — and I DO expect that the "poor" guy turned away before doing the deed.
Third of all. I don't know what planet your readers live on but people do this all the time even in the big city. "Madame Monet in Marrakesh" gave me a big laugh. I have not had the pleasure of visiting her country but I don't imagine the average Moroccan guy runs to the WC every time he needs to "pee" while walking through the casbah.
Americans are far to prissy and I am afraid that Ms Penelope must be one of the sweetest and most spoiled of the bunch. I can not imagine her being happy as a farmers wife. She has told us elsewhere of her fabulous life growing up with gangster money in Chicago, going to the best schools, playing pro volleyball and making the whole making money on the web seem so easy. She would have a wonderful time on her summer fling, which I expect that she has already started; but when those winter snows come she will be long gone leaving a string of broken hearts.
I really think that guys get emotionally attached much easier and much harder than women do — at least in North America. The poor schmuck is probably already planning an extension on his house. Please don't toy with his heart and let him piss all over his front lawn if that is what he wants to do.
Posted by CanadaGood on 06/29/2008 at 08:49am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Okay, Penelope, after this post, I have to speak up.
You are waxing romantic about a guy with A COUCH ON HIS PORCH, who PEES IN THE GRASS RIGHT AFTER SAYING GOODNIGHT TO YOU.
I'm not going to say anything about the gun, because, well, I think he's wise on that account.
He sounds like an interesting guy, BUT A GUY WHO HAS NEVER BEEN MARRIED, PEES ON THE WAY BACK TO THE HOUSE AND HAS A COUCH ON HIS PORCH is not what you need.
I'm no metrosexual, and yes, I sound like the gay guy on Sex and the City (even to myself), but please tell me this isn't real!!!
Posted by Manny on 06/29/2008 at 09:25am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope, I started reading your blog because I have a daughter who I regard as a "brazen careerist," and reading you helps me understand her. Now I read your blog for me.
I am not the least driven in my career. I have very mixed feelings about my career, and cannot wait for retirement. My heart is with my family, even though most of my kids are on their own. I haven't achieved a work/life balance–I lean towards giving my best energies to my family quite a bit. (I work part-time.)
From my perspective, I feel you are being set up to learn a great lesson from this "farmer". I think you know it, too, based on your detailed retelling of the story of getting the hens in for the night. This farmer understands creatures that cannot tell him exactly what is going on–he has learned to read their cues. That talent is arguably the basis for success in any area–work or relationships. IMO.
There is a very well-known writer living in southeast Wisconsin, who is married to a farmer. At her readings of her new books, she talks about how she reads a book-in-progress to her husband. His reactions, which are not the reactions of an academic, but the reactions of a person who is grounded in cultivating a crop, watching the weather, not being in total control, seem to influence this writer quite a bit. At a reading of her most recent book, she told the story of her complete abandonment of a book, based on the reaction of her husband, when she read it to him.
It is an open-minded, open-hearted person who can tolerate and even embrace differences and diversity. You and the "farmer" are different. You CAN embrace this. Yes, it may distract you from your dedication to work–but you seem to need that, as well.
Peeing on the lawn is emblematic of the things we would like to change in the people we love–but can't. The vignettes about how he deals with your kids, and what he says/does with respect to kids, is the real deal.
Finally, in the interest of protecting kids from emotional battering, I agree with those who have said to keep the kids out of it for a while. Be sure you tell your farmer that this is a belief of yours/plan of yours, lest he feel that you do not trust him around the kids. After all, he has already begun a relationship with them. Explain to the kids, too, that they cannot always come to the farm with you–and then don't take them at all for a while. IMO.
Posted by Chris on 06/29/2008 at 09:35am | permalink | Reply to this comment
#1 – Do not worry about the peeing outdoors – this is so popular in France they have a name for it = "le pipi rustique"
#2 – You do NOT have to have all the answers as to where this is going, how it will turn out, etc., just keep seeing him, one day at a time.
I personally think worrying about having all the "end-answers" is the pre-cursor to procrastination for the sake of perfectionism. Good luck!
Posted by Ayelet on 06/29/2008 at 09:40am | permalink | Reply to this comment
P.S. Penelope, you have had the openness to admit to giving bad advice; and you have detected the cultural lie we all tell/live about the influence of children in our careers.
You have also given some advice I heartily disagree with–that post was about returning to an educational setting for a Master's degree. I believe in that old principle of a humanistic liberal education opening you up like nothing else can.
You also have turned away from materialism in your bedbug incident. You have lived the in heartland and on the coast, in very different cultural settings.
On balance, I see you aw an evolving person. This engagement with the farmer is part of your evolution, your fits and starts, your rebounding ability (from divorce, bankruptcy, bedbugs, etc.)
It may be more than that. I know you will embrace the evolution of it, as always.
Posted by Chris on 06/29/2008 at 10:10am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I have enjoyed reading your blog and enjoy your narrative style. One of the blogs I read you described yourself as open and felt that your blog proved that point. I think you are open about other people and not open about yourself.
It doesn't read like a workaholic problem. It reads like a money/self worth issue. He could sell the farm and have more money than you. But, you would still need the money to feel valuable. Whereas he would not. I would wager that if you could make the same money and work less you would grab that opportunity.
My question upon reading this is what is the farmer getting out of this? I wonder what you provide to him and what you are willingly inclined to do to satisfy him? Perhaps merely having the opportunity to share time with you is all he needs because it sounds like that is all you offer to him. I agree with the farmer, he is risking more. He has put himself out there. You know exactly what you are getting with him and he has no idea what he is getting with you.
I wonder what is best for everyone involved?
Posted by Bridget on 06/29/2008 at 10:18am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Before healthcare there was my family farm. Farming is not a job it is a way of life. It is one few careers where the work will dictate your life – there is almost no separation between work and life as a farmer. It can be a rewarding life – but just remember, farmers don't take job transfers. The land does not move nor will they…the land is who they are.
Jessica Bond
Medical Careerist
Posted by Jessica Bond on 06/29/2008 at 11:40am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Lots of men including me have peed out in the yard. It is sort of a primal thing like a dog marking his territory. IT also saves on water by not flushing a toilet. This is significant because he is on a well where water conservation is serious.
Aside from that, I have never had a relationship with a woman that I could not pee in front of her or vice versa. If that is a problem for you, you either need to get over your prissy notions or go find a prissy guy or identifies with the prissyness
Posted by John Wilder on 06/29/2008 at 11:45am | permalink | Reply to this comment
in 1966 i was living in san antonio in a boarding house and 4 of us drove to monterey, mexico to tour. one of them was a mexican national guy, from monterey, 21 or so, named George, or Horhay as he pronounced it. in the dark we heeded a call and stopped by the road, at night with the lights on. george walked up to the front of the car, right in front of the headlight and aimed at the street, facing the street. a car approached from the front, i hurriedly got behind the car and turned my back to the road. george stayed where he was. we called to him, horhay, a car is coming. he stayed where he was, pissing on the road in the headlight glare. the car passed. i said, horhay, what were you doing. he said, in meheco, when you need to peeese, you peese. dont know if thats still the custom or not. they also did not allow women in the night clubs. only men.
Posted by drb on 06/29/2008 at 02:21pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
It’s true that taking risks in our personal life can be even scarier than those we take in our business. Thanks for sharing stories about both!
Posted by Ellen Hart on 06/29/2008 at 03:46pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Amen…about time girl…God Bless
Posted by keltie on 06/29/2008 at 05:01pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I'm not sure if I get this. You define yourself as brazen, yet being brazen means you defy social norms. So really instead of just conforming to arbitrary social norms you are conforming to the opposite of social norms.
Posted by John Aitek on 06/29/2008 at 08:05pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
A friend sent me this today – see below – then I read your blog … the stars are aligning for you Ms P and you need only be open to basking in the brightness and enjoy … go forward with this one … I think the ride will be worth it regardless of the final destination. Love your work and play xoxo
A Message by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier h ouses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete… Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Re member to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. George Carlin
Posted by just like me on 06/29/2008 at 08:14pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
this was such an interesting post! i grew up in a farm town and i never heard of people peeing on their lawns….this guy sounds intriguing. does he like kids?
Posted by Kristen on 06/29/2008 at 09:55pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I'm confused. I know you fancy yourself an erotic writer of some sort, so I can't help but wonder if the talk about peeing on the lawn is some sort of allegory.
Are you saying, "He wants to pee on *my* front lawn, but I'm not sure I want that?" Or, "he pees where he works, but I don't work with him?" Or, "I don't want to go near where he pees?"
Which would be rich, considering you'd written that your estranged husband never went down on you, and you've been bitter about it for over ten years.
Posted by Just Curious on 06/29/2008 at 10:31pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Your husband was probably good on paper and seemed like the perfect match. And that didn't work out. Maybe it's time to look beyond the perfect match and see the other side of the equation because the saying, "opposites attract" wouldn't be popular unless people believe in it. 2.) If he cares about his animals that much, he would be there if you ever had an illness, if your kids need help, if you lost all of your money tomorrow. Those are the guys you keep because they don't come arond too often. You can doubt yourself to death, but then in the meantime, you'll be missing all the fun.
Posted by Debra K on 06/29/2008 at 10:52pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
i don't know about farms or front lawns, but i'll say this much:
i like to pee!!!
Posted by tom on 06/30/2008 at 03:23am | permalink | Reply to this comment
The following sentence at the end of this post was interesting and merits a comment –
"But I see now that the farmer doesn’t need to be THE ONE."
My experiences and observations have demonstrated to me the most successful relationships are those where both parties are not looking or expecting to find "THE ONE". Think about it – is there only one person in your life that meets all your needs or you want to see or talk to about whatever. The best relationships I've witnessed are those where both parties are open and trusting with each other and don't expect that it's possible to fulfill each others needs completely. "THE ONE" relationship conjures up for me a smothering and destined for disaster relationship. The best "THE ONE" in my opinion is someone who is flexible, understanding, and time tested. Other people will come and go but "THE ONE" will always be there and pick up any slack if necessary.
Posted by Mark W. on 06/30/2008 at 07:43am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope, maybe this "farmer" is your diamond-in-the-rough. He sounds less worldly than you, but perhaps more sophisticated, in a Zen sort of way.
He has done a lot of things right:
1) He asked you what you wanted early on;
2) Perhaps he was assessing if your goals and his matched up;
3) He thanked you for several things–disciplining your boys and leaving the blackberry in your purse;
4) His "respect" for the recalcitrant hen might actually be a great metaphor for what he'd do in a relationship (but you have already seen that, I'm sure);
5) He confronted and challenged you on several issues, indicating that he is sure of himself and that he doesn't give his power away to a strong person like yourself–in other words, he is assertive;
6) He gave his permission for you to "air" this relationship in your blog–saying that he took a risk for your sake.
7) There are probably other things which have happened subsequently to be added to the list of doing things right–yes?
Maybe you should do the corny, old-fashioned thing where you make a list of pros and cons to see if things balance out. Though I realize that if you are being swept away with falling in love or with infatuation (only time will tell), you don't even see the cons . . .
If all you have in the "cons" column is him peeing/pissing on his own front lawn (not public, really), you are in a good place, I'd say.
To those cynics who are saying to you, in essence, that it is contrary to your character heretofore, to be so dizzy-in-love, I say that it is totally okay (with me) to be fool for love. A level-headed, sophisticated person who allows themself to be fool for love is taking the leap of faith necessary in order to have a solid relationship. The cynics may end up like dehydrated fruit–prunes come to mind.
CAK
Posted by CAK on 06/30/2008 at 08:23am | permalink | Reply to this comment
One thing I like about this story is that it demonstrates, once again, what I have often experienced — that people come in and out of life for reasons only understood much later. I have had many relationships (both friendships and romances) with people who are very different than me in every way — different backgrounds, goals, lifestyles, values. But if I paid attention, they all taught me something about myself and the world that I either didn't know before or couldn't put my finger on that ended up changing my perspective in very positive ways.
If I were you, I wouldn't put so much energy into thinking about whether this is a summer fling, a true thing, or a nothing. If you start over-analyzing it or thinking about it in terms or time-management (i.e. time wasted), you will end up missing the great opportunities for growth that this experience can open you up to. So just relax and learn to be present with the experiences you have at the farm. Sooner or later you will know whether it is a life or love worth pursuing. Trying to jump ahead a few chapters to see how it ends cheats you out of experiencing the joy and evolution of the story in realtime.
Posted by Jennifer on 06/30/2008 at 11:41am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I'm still hung up on "…I have so much more money than you do… I will have all the power.”
Culturally, we have this awful tendency to substitute money as a proxy for all kinds of different things: happiness, power, respect, time, freedom…the list is endless. And we are very creative about rationalizing these substitutions.
Maybe money is none of these things, and maybe it really is every single one of them, but where I think PT's real issue (and maybe the source of the fascination) is, is that "Farmer" knows who he is, and what he wants. And, since he doesn't need [more] money to get there(since he's already there), his motivations are very different than PT's at the moment.
PT can choose 3 paths to try to reconcile these: she can mimic Farmer's path under the assumption it will bring her, too, happiness…kind of walk the talk for a while. That will either fit or it won't. The second path is to write off Farmer's outlook as being hopelessly naive and therefore wrong, and keep looking.
The last path is the middle road, which is just to let Farmer's happiness be what it is, and keep looking for what makes PT authentically happy. I'd wager that money and power aren't as critical to that as PT might think. They're probably more of an addiction than a source of authentic happiness. Regardless which way PT goes, the journey should make for some fun blog entries.
Posted by JenFlex on 06/30/2008 at 11:57am | permalink | Reply to this comment
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,” Jeremiah 29:11.
Posted by sophie on 06/30/2008 at 02:17pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I am following this saga like it is an epic TV miniseries like Lonesome Dove or something. One thing I do want to mention is that money only buys you your lifestyle & if it gets you the lifestyle you want it really doesn't matter what the absolute salary number is. Farmer man makes enough to live the life he wants.
I am still trying to figure out how you make $15k an appearance & always say you have no money. I'd be happy to manage your money for a nominal fee. :)
Posted by Neil C on 06/30/2008 at 03:09pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I think you should take Neil C up on the offer.
Posted by Nino on 06/30/2008 at 03:22pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Wow.
A. some of the people who leave comments on your site are hardened assholes.
B. I aggree that you can be happy without a ton of money, but make no mistake about it people, MONEY (to a certain extent) DOES BUY HAPPINESS. Don't fool yourself, if susy and her husband make a combined income of $30,000 a year and have a child, even if they are the most emotionally enlightened people on the planet they are going to feel the strain of their current economic status and it will eventually take its toll. That being said, if susy and her husband make a combined income of $300,000 a year, that wouldn't make up for the fact that Susy is a self involved bitch and her husband is an incompetent ass (just a general example of any random couple in hollywood).
With all that being said, I think (and I don't care how cliche it sounds) the only thing worth living life for is love. The love you get from your children/friends, the love you get from a life partner, and the love you give to yourself. Just make sure the love you choose to give yourself is pure and not void behind a veil of supposed monetary happiness.
Cut back on work, spend less on "things", invest more in life experience.
Posted by Jessie on 06/30/2008 at 04:29pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Is the ink even close to dry on that divorce decree?
I used to come to your blog because you had valuable career advice. But the thing is, as good as your advice is, I don't want any part of your life.
Because Penelope, I view you the same way I view Howard Stern: someone who failed.
Hear me out. Not professionally. You've done very well for yourself professionally. But you've lost sight of what matters.
Your marriage was in trouble long before you wrote about it, yet you did nothing. Your career became more important than providing a stable home for your family. Yes. I'm judging. But with this public forum, you have opened yourself up for praise and criticism (as all bloggers have).
Why even start a relationship with this farmer guy? So you can assert your financial strength again and leave when it gets tough?
The career advice is good. But you've lost what's important in the work/family balance. I wish you the best.
Posted by Eric Ogunbase on 06/30/2008 at 09:39pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
You want another baby, and soon, don't you?
Posted by SheilaK on 06/30/2008 at 11:11pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Consider this, if the Farmer's pros and cons list for a relationship with you consists of heavily outweighed cons versus few pros, and he still wants to be with you, then you are a very fortunate Hen indeed.
Posted by soonji on 07/01/2008 at 02:42am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Interesting reading. HR tips, people management, time management, living life like a monk etc. all crafted into a well woven story….but isn't the history of mankind moving ahead because of the workholics and the go-getters of the world….though the "farmer" has his place in life like a well earned vacation.
Posted by Manoj on 07/01/2008 at 05:55am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope, I enjoy reading your blog as I see a lot of parallels, and you have interesting perspectives. I am in the process of going through a divorce, I have a 6 yr old child on the spectrum, and fortunately, have an interesting part time job with a six figure salary living in Europe. I consider myself very lucky. I constantly struggle with work life balance as do most people, but what I have discovered from my experiences living in Europe over the past 5 years is that work does not define who I am, nor does it really matter to most people here (as opposed to the U.S.). Often the question of what I do for a living never even comes up! My career is simply what I do to enjoy the life I am leading….that I have passion and interest in it, all the better.
Before having a child and still living in the U.S. my career was my top priority, and I invested heavily into it, but now with a child on the spectrum, and having learned a lot about how to live life from Europeans, I sincerely believe enjoying my personal life, including abundant time with my child is my top priority. Not because it is a responsibility, but because it is where I get more pleasure and satisfaction, than say, a well run meeting or workshop.
I am definitely not trying to be one of those people that says motherhood is rosy and wonderful all the time, but taking the farmer's philosophy of figuring out what you really want to get out of life, and taking the time to enjoy it, could serve you well at this tumultuous time. The farmer sounds like a very grounded guy with a good idea about what he wants and needs out of life.
I used to constantly feel stressed rushing my son home from daycare, kindergarten etc …rushing, rushing, rushing…trying to figure out time optimization techniques to fit one more thing in during the day, like answering emails at the playground. Once I stopped to actually enjoy the time on the playground, instead of being somewhere else in my head all the time, i have learned to truly enjoy my time as a mother.
I often sense from your posts, that while you have made decisions to spend more time with your kids, that you are very focused ultimately on your career and improving your personal brand, this is all and good, but hopefully you are also taking time to truly enjoy those tender moments you have allocated to your family, friends, and yourself.
Absolutely enjoy getting to know the farmer, spend time with him, feel the joy of new lust and love, and see where it takes you, but I caution against bringing your children into the equation. This is a difficult time for them, and as already said, children do not understand summer romances, and with so much ambivalence at the begining of ANY relationship, it is unfair to have them confused in the process.
…in the end, it is not the $200 pair of jeans, or white teeth, or abundant speaking engagements that defines who we are, but rather the people we choose to bring into our lives, the person we evolve and grow into, and taking care of those that are already there. I look forward to reading the next chapter in this interesting development!
Posted by Yasmine on 07/01/2008 at 09:18am | permalink | Reply to this comment
The Brazen Careerist is cutting back on work? Good for you. Work will always be waiting for you, but your life might not be.
Posted by Financial Planner on 07/01/2008 at 10:26am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Fave quote – not sure where it came from, but I've posted it at every desk I've occupied since the early 90's – "No one ever looked back and wished they spent more time at work." And I once had a {male} boss who walked into my office, read the quote, and said "I don't get it."
Posted by prklypr on 07/01/2008 at 11:32am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Several things.
First off, Yasmine. Such words of wisdom! Do you blog? Secondly, Yasmine. What do you do part time that earns you six figures?
But, back to Penelope and the Farmer. Like several have already said, farming is a way of life. That integrates itself into the tax bracket as well. To say a farmer makes $15,000/yr. is very different than someone employed elsewhere making $15,000.
A farmer's $15,000 is that amount on paper. In reality, it's what he's earned AFTER he's deducted a great deal of farm expenses, which also happen to be living expenses. Because farmers use their homes for business purposes, portions of those expenses are deductible. Because they use their vehicles for farm purposes – even the family car is used to run farm errands – vehicles are deductions. And so on.
Farm taxes aren't for the weak of heart. However, they enable the farmer to come out looking quite paltry on paper, when in fact it's not really that bad.
Posted by rennie on 07/01/2008 at 11:39am | permalink | Reply to this comment
@ Yasmine:
"… what I have discovered from my experiences living in Europe over the past 5 years is that work does … really matter to most people here".
I do not know which part of Europe you live in, but this is the first time I have heard someone say that work does not really matter to people in Europe! Somebody has got to pay into our socialised healthcare, socialised childcare, old age care and so on. Oh wait! I forgot, it must be 5 people like you because clearly to the rest of us in Europe, work just does not matter. :-)
Europeans just happen _not_ to separate work and life artificially and consequently have a far more integrated, less burdensome and more harmonious work-and-life situation than most others manage. Their work and life are shaped and moulded around each other.
And on a purist note, generalising from one country in Europe is itself fallacious. What works in France does not work in England, nor is it likely that the Danes or the Dutch choose those ways either.
I must get back to my non-mattering non-work now!
Posted by Shefaly on 07/01/2008 at 12:09pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Slightly off-topic: people who come from money don't talk about it. Conspicuous consumption is a sign of being nouveau riche – like the McMansion with a hummer in the driveway. In an earlier post, you described growing up priviledged, yet, here you are, loudly proclaiming your wealth and status, complete with dollar signs.
Posted by Laura on 07/01/2008 at 12:25pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I really enjoyed this post … I think it's a fascinating insight into a moment in life where two people from seemingly different backgrounds and experiences have their paths cross, and chemistry happens.
I've had this experience happen in my professional and personal life many times, and it's always a growing experience.
Looking at this from the male perspective, I do find it interesting how you often come back to focusing on the financial aspect + power play struggles that can potentially ensue from that.
I recently had a relationship with a very established corporate woman who espoused personal development, work/life balance importance, etc … but in the end, she often become fixated on financials.
Now, I enjoy a very full life in my urban metropolis, and am by no means wanting to live a meager existence … however, I do cringe a little when blatant numbers are thrown out and competed with. In my situation, she had a decent net worth after several years of corporate life, but I had a substantially higher one given I am a principal in a company partnership. I did not expose the full scope of my balance sheets, altho, in your case, the farmer did … and he is substantially more well off then you. So really, is money what's really the issue here?
In the end, this brings us to the important point … enjoying the Present moment when you are with the Farmer … he obviously challenges you, and I'm sure that unsettles you. It has to be exhilirating.
Stay in that moment then, if you can. Avoid the obssesions of, "what if this … or, can I exactly map out the future and know what will happen with the Farmer" … that kind of black or white thinking restricts you from enjoying the wonderful grey that you are currently living in … and that is where true knowledge, growth, and relationships are forged … in the grey.
Enjoy it.
for the record – I like the Farmer. He sounds solid.
Posted by David on 07/01/2008 at 01:34pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I cannot believe the narcissism you exude PT. Why are you always in competition with everyone, including husbands, dates, etc. Is it that important to "wear the pants" while also letting the other person know you think you are better than them? You spend way too much time trying to analyze situations and people when you haven't the know how to really do so. Life is not a pissing contest like you seem to think it is. Perhaps that is why your "bf" was peeing in the front yard…to let you know that he will win any pissing contest you bring at him. Stop making yourself look even more shallow by constantly bring up wealth and power. Give that a rest as well as blogging about your personal relationships and you might get somewhere. Otherwise, you are going to scare off any sensible guy out there willing to give you a shot.
Posted by Phil on 07/01/2008 at 02:11pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Why do people read blogs they don't like? Am I being simple and stupid for thinking that would be a real waste of time?
You do you Penelope! And then blog about it!
Posted by Rebecca on 07/01/2008 at 02:26pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Personally, I like to read them to reaffirm my own sanity. It really is a confidence booster and a pick me up!
Posted by Phil on 07/01/2008 at 02:45pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
@Shefaly,
mea culpa…you are exactly right. What I meant is that unlike the U.S. where everyone talks about their jobs all the time, and one of the first things someone asks you is what you do for a living to get a quick summary of your resume, is that in Europe, my experience has been that people do not brag and talk about their jobs all the time, nor do they inquire so much about the careers of others when cultivating new friendships or even chit chat. I have made very good friends here where the subject of our jobs never really comes up in conversation.
You are right, they absolutely do care, however, when meeting socially with friends, coworkers or acquaintances, a whole evening goes by where conversation flows from politics, or religion, or exchanging perspectives and views, and discussing what is happening in the world, rather than the stock market, investment strategies, and how well the career is going, and financial status.
@Rennie, I work with people all over Europe, Middle East, and Africa for a well known high tech company headquartered in the Silicon valley. The beauty of it is seeing first hand the network of culture and values.
Posted by Yasmine on 07/01/2008 at 03:00pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Yasmine,
I am not sure who you pal'd around with in the States, but I definitely do not agree with your conclusion. I never talk or brag about my job, not do I discuss the stock market etc. The only time work is brought up is if it is a story involving a workmate or a relating situation that may have occurred. My job and my personal life are separated completely and most people I know are like that as well. I think about my job outside of work when I am setting my alarm clock and waking up to it the next morning.
Posted by Phil on 07/01/2008 at 03:05pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
"Why do people read blogs they don’t like?"
Because the writing is good. If it makes you think, even if you disagree with it, you'll come back for more.
Besides, if you just stick with blogs you like, you'll never grow as a person. The echo chamber just makes you one-sided and shrill.
Posted by Trent Hamm on 07/01/2008 at 03:49pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I loved reading this. Dating, or beginning to date is such a dance. I'm not ready to post about my dating experiences quite yet, but soon.
I completely appreciate the entire "falling in love" challenges. It is wonderful, but crazy. A couple of weeks ago I went on line to research what I was feeling….no appetite, sick to my stomach, and unable to concentrate. I was thrilled to find out that all this is "normal" when you fall in love.
I also learned you can't feel it unless you are ready, and if it is reciprocated. Made me feel a bit less nuts….
Good luck with the farmer, and keep your eyes open!
Posted by Barb M on 07/02/2008 at 09:28am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Ha, I knew it when I read your earlier column that you had a thing for the farmer.
Posted by Melanie P on 07/02/2008 at 10:57am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Great column, Penelope! He sounds like the yin to your yang, or is the yang to your yin. Well, anyway, hope it works out.
Posted by chakragold on 07/02/2008 at 11:35am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope,
First saw you speak last year at Blogher 07 (hope you'll be there this year, too). At the time you struck me as firm, no bull-shit & forthright. I'm similar to you in those ways. Like the farmer, I have someone in my life that I'd never thought I'd fall for…a huge family, patient as all get-out, graceful in times of stress. He's taught me a lot about finding balance (even though I thought that was my job!) and I'm learning to let go of some of my notions about myself with him.
Thank you for sharing this post and for reminding us to plunge. However things work out, I think you'll be deeply changed for making the leap.
Posted by Gwen Bell on 07/02/2008 at 05:19pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Just about every time I've read you over the years, or during a couple of our brief and nasty private exchanges two years ago, you manifested a holier-than-thou self that seemed to embrace the right to take people's inventories and show up their character issues as you interpreted them. In other words, you spent a lot of time being truly hateful.
But.
You went through a divorce, and I felt only sympathy, not schadenfreude. I've been there. It hurt. Nobody has a good time during a divorce or for a long time after.
And now love or something like it. Something outside and beyond the control of business, advice-giving, or the polished steely exterior of someone who has been refined by life's hardest lessons. Love, lust, desire, passion, affection…these are not simply emotional states, they're graces and torments at the same time. Nobody is immune, and then the moment comes to you, there is very little you can do except acknowledge what is happening. Which you've done for all of us to see.
It's not that you weren't human or were some corporate version of Pinocchio…it's that an uncontrollable entry into your life made you both fallible and profoundly human. However, it works out, you will do what is best for you.
Posted by Ken Wolman on 07/02/2008 at 05:47pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Why can you tame your workaholic tendencies now? Because you are getting a payoff. Sometimes, work offers the better payoff, giving you growth, a sense of accomplishment, money, whatever. Sometimes, the relationship wins. Or the corndog. In each moment, we will do whatever meets our need, through pleasure or lack of pain.
Penelope, you don't work for the sake of work – you work for a purpose. The same goes for dating, or for anything else. Whether you are working or dating, you are being. You will only do either one as long as there is a payoff of some kind.
Posted by Grace on 07/02/2008 at 06:11pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
What makes Penelope's blogs so interesting is that they are dripping with justification. She always has to come up with a neat and crisp life rule that explains and justifies her basic motivations and desires. However, sometimes our urges and our actions make no sense. We are messy creatures who will often declare a plan of action and then do the opposite. Do you know why?
Because we grow. And in growing, we might change our minds.
It's ok to want to live the way you want to live because, the truth is, there are no rules. Only trends that come and go. These trends aren't just for the business world. We have life trends too. The clothes I wore yesterday may not fit me today. I can outgrow relationships, jobs, lifestyles and beliefs. What looked unattractive or incomprehensible before may be just what I need right now.
In other words, Penelope, don't feel like a hypocrite for having fun with the farmer. This relationship is meeting your mandate of self-discovery, variety, and chance. How entrepreneurial of you!
Posted by Grace on 07/02/2008 at 06:27pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
All relationships are risky, whether you're looking for romance or friendship. Good for you for taking the risk! I suspect that you're driving out to the farm because you are, by nature, a risk taker. You'd tie yourself up in knots if you didn't try this and see what happens.
But perhaps, maybe, it's worth just being friends for a while? It takes just as much work to build a solid friendship as it does to be in a romantic relationship, and the great thing about friendship is that it can be more forgiving than a romantic relationship.
Posted by Lea on 07/03/2008 at 03:27am | permalink | Reply to this comment
I am happy for you (ignore all the negative comments!). Enjoy it, because finding someone at all, never mind someone who can better you as a person is a fabulous thing.
Posted by Marie on 07/03/2008 at 07:11am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Wow. People seem to have a lot of opinions on how others should live their lives.
Children's feelings considered and happiness feels good? Then embrace what it is.
Be happy.
Posted by Michelle / chelpixie on 07/03/2008 at 10:22am | permalink | Reply to this comment
So this farmer read the blog and said "this sounds like a woman for me…".
I don't think so. I could list all the nutty stuff you've posted but even assembling the list in my head sounds cruel. You are the last person who should be giving advice. And the last person anyone with the internet would want to date.
Go look after your kids.
Posted by Marvin on 07/06/2008 at 10:27am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Here's what I learned about happiness from reading some career blog:
1) Peeing on the grass: Not important
2) Money: Not really so important
3) Living in the city: Not important
4) Regular monogamous sex: Very important
5) Family: Very important
Now, either there is something wrong with your farmer, or there is something veyr wrong with that blog I've been reading. Both possible.
So, when you start falling for someone, that's one of the strongest drives you can ever feel, and that drive will override all of your judgement, not to mention overriding basic needs like sleep and food.
And it is very important to have regular, at least weekly, face-to-face contact with someone you know well and trust. Also a strong drive.
So, what is surprising about this farmer situation?
I don't think you have any hope of making a rational decision either way until after the hormones go away. It doesn't sound pleasant, but somehow trying to make the decision too early seems more trying than useful.
Posted by Rachel on 07/06/2008 at 01:45pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penny,
This is so personal…
I hope you at least have a/some good friend/s or a family member or two to bounce stuff off of at this point in your life.
Good luck, and watch your back.
2centsworth
Posted by Dale on 07/06/2008 at 04:43pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Workaholic is not so good for your health. Take care of yourself first.
Posted by 同传设备 on 07/06/2008 at 10:12pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
sick of reading about this post. i signed up for emails of posts to this story and am unable to cancel them. they keep coming and coming. there is no place on the blog to cancel them. at least one that i can find.
Posted by drb on 07/08/2008 at 11:57am | permalink | Reply to this comment
ummm… what's all this business about peeing outside being a guy thing? I don't do it directly in front of people but I do it (behind a bush or whatnot), and I wouldn't be surprised if a guy turned around, whipped it out, and kept talking to me… and I'm a freakin engineer (software) not even a redneck or hippy or anything. You people need to grow up.
Also, $15K is nothing to sneeze at if you have some kind of security ($2 million in land, for example, or a reasonable level of self-confidence in your ability to get a similar job, lack of debt, the list goes on and on). Also, surely some economist has measured the monetary value of job satisfaction…
Posted by sal on 07/10/2008 at 12:00am | permalink | Reply to this comment
pure fiction. RK could of written this…
Posted by Bucks Vault on 07/10/2008 at 02:20pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I just wanted to thank you for writing your blog. I just found it last month and I adore it. In fact, it has quickly become my favorite blog. I've never eagerly anticipated a new post from a blog before this one… and I'm a long-time blogger and avid blog reader (well, since '04). I'm learning so much from you and every time a new post pops up in my google reader I feel like it's a little present from Penelope. The best part about your blog is how you interweave great advice with very personal experiences. But you knew that. Anyway, I'm not usually one for leaving comments… but for some reason I felt compelled to share this with you.
Posted by Amanda Congdon on 07/10/2008 at 06:46pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
I am surprised you have lived in Wisconsin this long and are just now mentioning the culture shock between life in the city and life on the farm.
Posted by Dustin on 07/20/2008 at 02:08pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope, I have read your blog on and off for a year. I had told you before that sometimes I just don't get you, and then apologized. I was sorry for thinking you were nuts, then couldn't read you any longer.
Then you write this. You should know, like "My 9/11 day. My husband. The meaning of my to-do list.", this post was powerful, touching, and "sounded" heartfelt. I believe that when you stray from your comfort zone (gen X/Y) and give us a story of more traditional values intersecting with your life in a good way, it connects in a very strong manner.
I felt as though you weren't discrediting your views, but conceding that the contrary opinion was not therefore wrong. I felt consideration given that maybe the opposing lifestyle deserved thought and may indeed have merit, as well as considering that other values exist in life besides money and career.
Excellent post.
Posted by Michael Cortes on 07/22/2008 at 09:52am | permalink | Reply to this comment
@drb:
At the bottom of the post — under the Comments section — there is a
link to "Manage my subscriptions."
It says: "You are subscribed to this entry. Manage your subscriptions."
Click on the link, and on the subscription manager, you can check the
posts you'd like to be unsubscribed from.
Posted by junger on 08/04/2008 at 08:17pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
It's well-crafted, but it's fiction. Between her first farm post and this one, I believe that much is plain. The metaphor and imagery throughout is clever, but the believability really isn't there.
Posted by Azura on 08/10/2008 at 08:21pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Penelope: Bottom line: v. nice writing.
From your fan and loving step-sister.
Posted by mia on 08/20/2008 at 01:34am | permalink | Reply to this comment
Hey, thank you so much for opening up on your blog. You have no idea how touched I am by your honestly and by sharing this.
It's sweet how you and the farmer can be so honest with eachother about money and fear, and it does seem like you're driven to be near him which is a good sign.
Maybe that's how we pick people, by who feels good to be around. Maybe that's as complicated as it should get. Maybe life is a series of decisions we should make for our happiness. And it sounds like you are happy around him; that alone is a huge indicator that you're doing something good for yourself. :)
Posted by spleeness on 09/01/2008 at 06:14pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
typo: should be *honesty* without the L — sorry!
Posted by spleeness on 09/01/2008 at 06:15pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
Wow, great post. Very interesting story. You should really take care of yourself. All work and no play makes jane a dull girl. Success is nothing if you have no time to enjoy it.
Posted by Sam on 01/14/2009 at 09:46pm | permalink | Reply to this comment
As a farmer I find your writing very fascinating, especially the sushi shaped rolls, which we call round bales.
All the best with your farmer, I'd be happy to have you read my book about farmers to coach you towards more than a summer fling.
I've been happily married to my farmer for over 28 years. Your boys would thrive in the country.
I am researching workaholic tendencies for farmers for a presentation called Fixing your Time Stress Mess.
Thanks for your humour.
Elaine in Canada
Posted by Elaine Froese on 11/06/2009 at 05:03pm | permalink | Reply to this comment