People usually marry someone who, unknowingly at first, resembles someone important with whom they had relationship troubles. For example: a girl with a demanding father will generally marry a man who is demanding to help her actively work through the issues with her dad. Sad, but true in many cases.

Don't know why you married yours, but you have my best wishes in healing. Divorce sucks. I finally married an amazing partner in my wife, but I found her after two previous and heartbreaking marriages.

So I guess, using this analogy, if you can't change a man after you marry him, you can't improve a B person in a work team. Kinda pessimistic, isn't it? Can no one change? I agree that marrying a man because "you can change him" is stupid, because you can't (case in point my husband's ex!). But at work? Doesn't mentoring and managing have any effect?

Carla

* * * * * * *

Hm. Well you could see this post as very optimistic in that each of us has qualities that are good in the right situation, and we are each best off if we find that right situation.

-Penelope

I disagree with almost every sentence in this post, except the main thesis:

And instead of broadcasting that you chose to be with terrible people, do some self-reflection and figure out why, so you don’t do it again.

This is right. But your analysis of relationships, alcoholism, and why 'a ten never marries a one' seems off base, and more like something you kind of thought up and wrote down in a hurry. Nevertheless, I do wish more people could understand that they actually get to pick their job, and don't have to settle in permanently at some company just because they took a job there to pay the bills. There are other companies, other jobs out there!

Funny,

I thought it was one of the better posts.

My exception to the reason here is that I have never promised an employer that I would remain employed with them through any particular circumstance where as I promised my wife that I would – in sickness/health/wealth/destitution, etc.

So while some of the dynamics are similar, the responsibilities are not. Certainly dating while you are divorcing is pragmatic and you are a singularly pragmatic person, but maybe that is part of the problem.

Obviously your marriage is approaching dissolution and I am not going pretend you will work it out.

I would only make the point that upholding your marital vows and fidelity while you are married – even in this circumstance, is for your sake – for what you are saying to yourself about who you are and for the person it makes you.

I should probably be careful I don't use the "C" word as it may be construed as judgmental but thats is how I see it – placing priority on pragmatism over character.

oops.

Speaking of wisdom falling on deaf ears:

"My lawyer tells me not to blog about my divorce."

http://twitter.com/penelopetrunk/statuses/796899529

I read once, when I was divorcing in my early thirties, that it was a good idea NOT to remarry before eight years and not to date before five.

I remember thinking at the time how extreme it seemed but looking back on all of it, I don't think it's extreme at all. I made the eight year marker (plus 7 more) but I sure didn't make the five.

Time goes by so fast.

Maureen

This really post hits on a tangential issue I'm struggling with, namely if you hang out with co-workers who complain all the time, you'll end up finding that you a) don't like your job anymore (even if you really do), and b) will eventually stop doing anything to make your job better (i.e. taking the reigns of your career) and start complaining too.

This gets even harder when you're at a small company and there isn't another clique to roll with other than the complainers.

There's so much I could say about the marriage/dating part of this post having gone through 2 divorces and am considering a 3rd, but I'm going to stick to the work part of it instead.
When I was in college, my mentors told me I could be a star in my field. Then I started working and found myself mired in negativity and office politics over and over. No matter what job I took, it seemed to happen again. I started to think it was my fault. Then I took a job and got fired after one week. Why? The manager told me that she wasn't prepared for me to be an "A" player when she hired me and hadn't prepared her staff of "B"s on what changes to expect. She said she was sure I'd be a "superstar" once I found the right company.
Two jobs later, guess what? I am now an "A" and a "superstar", according to my performance review this year. I am the same at this job as the last 7. But here, everyone else knows how to act at work and there is no crap to deal with. We all just get on with the business of doing our jobs. I've been here over 2 years and plan to stay awhile because I'm finally surrounded by people I can deal with.
Oh btw, we did the meyers-briggs and found out most of our department are ENTPs. We learned that people like to work with their same type, but are socially repelled by it. I don't know if that's true, but I have continually married my opposite and now wonder if I need to subscribe to the adage "familiarity breeds content" instead of "contempt".

I'm four years divorced and am beginning to realize that I will probably never remarry. My ex-wife was out of my league, even back then, and now I find that my standards are such that nobody even comes close to desirable as a long term partner. To use your terms, _I'm_ the 1, looking for a 10. But that's my mistake.

Don't you make the mistake of filtering out, for any reason, too many people before dating them though. (Within reason. Seeking out only recently divorced men has no logic to me.) Something in your wording makes me think you view dating as the first step in a relationship. It doesn't need to be. It can be 'just dating,' and "not even divorced" is WAY too soon to be thinking about the next long-term relationship. (This is not a judgement about dating while merely separated though.)

"Birds of a feather flock together."

Humans aren't birds though and the variations between people (pick any method of selection you like) can be changed – for good or bad.

Seems to me that the route to an improved life begins (and perhaps ends) with our doing what we must to be OUR best.

The "law of attraction" seems in vogue these days. It's all nothing more than birds of a feather flocking together. The way to attract better quality anything/anybody may be to become better ourselves.

Or I could just be crazy and out of my mind, which is highly probable.

@kristi what the heck do you do and where the heck to you work? I have only worked with maybe 1 or 2 other ENTPs in my entire adult life and it was fantastic.

As to the "10 does not marry a 1" talk:

That is probably true, but frequently a 9 will marry a 7 or even a 5.5

You can say that looks do not matter – perhaps in an ideal world but if there is much a a spread in looks, it can make one partner uncomfortable or excessively jealous.

Sometimes that kind of imbalance comes from one partner wanting leverage on the other.

I guarantee that, as taboo as it is, and whether there is parity or not, looks play a factor and it is a subject worthy of introspection.

I'd like to separate out two issues here: One is strictly good political/career strategy and one deals with personal reflection in both career and romance.

There are two theories of the hanging out with the A-group. One is that the A group will lift you up. This works if you are on high profile projects and your team-members are willing to share credit. It is true that you will tend to adopt the behaviors of the group. You must also beware that this includes toxic behaviors. I’ve seen organizations implode as the A-group people became infected with cutthroat competition.

The other is to become the star of the B-team. With people of "lesser quality" (however you define it) surrounding you, you have a greater chance to shine. (It’s a common seduction technique as well!) Individual stars do not shine as brightly in a galaxy and there is great opportunity to hone those leadership skills while developing an effective team. One woman I spoke with last week had been hired as an admin assistant six months before. She thought she was taking on a second class job, but within weeks her managers recognized her leadership abilities. She is now working as their lead project manager.

And as far as office politics go. Listen, empathize, but try not to take sides. It’s best to weather the storm. If things are too hot, get out.

Yes, dating is a lot like managing a career. I have spent many mornings talking to friends who met their dreamboat in a bar the night before and many afternoons advising individuals who woke up that morning with an epiphany that they were going to medical school. Both types need a good dose of reality and a great deal of self-knowledge and reflection if they are to make the next move. You are correct to take the time to find out what worked and what didn’t and why. It is always a good idea to make sure you know yourself well enough to deal with those subtle motivations that can lead a person to be rash and jump into a series of unsuccessful relationships. Some people like to gamble and shoot from the hip, hoping against the odds that the next time a “winner” will magically appear. Some people like to plan but never get out of the planning phase because they are too busy defining the ideal relationship that cannot work in reality. Like in business, the most successful people figure out what those things that are truly important so they will be prepared and think clearly enough to seize the correct opportunity as it arises.

Good luck.

This is a great post, Penelope. I'm not married but could really appreciate how everything is tied together, and your backstory added a personal element that few blogs possess!

I still love how open and transparent you are. There is freedom in it as well as responsibility. I also love how you turned negative things into positive things.

Recognizing that your soon-to-be ex-husband isn't a monster or evil scumbag, but rather someone who has traits that you still love, and will probably search for again is a great positive affirmation of both him and yourself.

Thanks Penelope for leaving your ex's comments intact. I would think it was weird if he didn't leave comments like the one he left today.

Well Penelope, I had said before that your posts were going downhill in quality, and I very happily stand corrected! Thank you for these last two, they were full of insight and meaning. One more and I think we can finally declare that you are back! :) Very fine job!

I'm not going to get into the dating while married thing, but on the topic of Character –

doesn't this teach your kids (and your apparently mindlessly spongelike and loyal readers) that people are disposable? When one no longer has any value for you, toss him or her aside like a dirty Kleenex and get another. No, that takes too long – get another one while you are wadding up the dirty Kleenex, then throw it away later. It can wait.

Maybe this is how some successful businesspeople operate – no values, no morals, no loyalty, no ability to discipline themselves. But THIS SUCKS as a human behavior and the more people learn that this is OK, the worse this country will be.

If life in 2008 is about nothing but narcissism and self indulgence, then maybe the US is getting exactly what it deserves with each misfortune.

You, Madame, are part of the problem.

MJ, what does it say about your character that you leave numerous negative comments here on Penelope's blog? Don't you have anything BETTER to do? What are you accomplishing by leaving these comments? You don't even leave a URL, so you're not doing it for traffic. I have seen multiple comments from you and I just don't get it. Maybe you know Penelope personally?

Do you have any friends who have no value to you? Your argument was pretty weak there. Of course you (collective "you") would not continue to be involved with someone who adds no value to your life whatsoever. Penelope and her husband made an effort to work things out, but it didn't happen. Are they supposed to stay together and not "dispose" of each other because…well, because WHY?

I don't always agree with Penelope and sometimes I think she can be harsh, self-centered, and cold–but if I disliked her as much as you do, I just wouldn't come back here. You know what sucks as human behavior? Wasting your time insulting people over the internet, repeatedly. You obviously have things to say and you are able to articulate decently, why not go somewhere where what you have to say has a positive impact on yourself and others?

Penelope, great post! As a woman somewhat similar to you -an "alpha" female achiever- I wonder what you think of the whole alpha/beta concept. I suspect that your husband (like my ex) was a beta. My therapist says alpha women do best with beta men, but like you, I am wondering what type of man to choose to be a good complement to me.

Penelope, this was an excellent post. You touched upon what I beleive is the single most important factor for improving your life, relationships and career: self reflection. Without at least an attempt to understand why you do what you do, there is little to no hope for improvement (unless your life is so grand that everything works out without reflection. For those people, congratulations, and i say that with no bitterness)

Everyone has their own opinion about dating once reconciliation has been ruled out but before a divorce is technically final. And in that case, those birds of a feather should flock together and not bother the other side with condemnation and leave their burning torches at home. For what its worth, I agree with Penelope.

@david rees: I work in marketing for a travel destination company. I do e-marketing, web design & development, graphic design, photography, & videography. I started counting up the ENTPs and they include the VP, Director, Manager, Asst. Mgr, Admin Assistant, one sales manager, and me.
(The other sales manager is an ENFP.)

Penelope, somebody commented that he wasn't sure what this post had to do with office matters — and I have to say in response–everything.

We can all be adept at compartmentalizing when necessary, but the truth is that we can't NOT bring our true selves to work. In some companies, more all the time, personal development work is prized and encouraged–even offered–as the best path to personal and corporate fulfillment. Both bottom lines matter, your's and the company's.

This all circles back to personal responsibility and what we're willing to look at. Best place to start is in the mirror.

Thanks, Penelope.

* * * * * * *
Thank you for this comment, Lisa. I think what you wrote is the undercurrent of so many of my posts. To me, a blog about careers that never touched on personal life would be so dishonest.

–Penelope

I agree with the article and have some additional comments.

Re: Your job – it's not always easy to jump ship and all companies (like all spouses) have "warts". I've voluntarily left about half a dozen jobs in my 40 years of working. Twice it was because of blatant unethical and possibly illegal activity that came from at or near the top – I didn't know about those activities until several months into the job (fortunately other companies were trying to recruit me and it was a quick and easy jump). A couple times the company was being grossly mis-managed and I bailed before they they had major layoffs – a couple times I wasn't able to bail in time. The other times I've left over pay/benefit/working condition issues (going to a substantially better environment) but endeavored to tell the soon to be former employer what it would take to keep me.

On the relationship side – it's a give and take and people tend to change a bit over time. There are a number of things that are just not negotiable for some people – abuse is one of them. I can see where people repeat the same mistakes.

Management gurus say you keep making the same mistakes until you learn what you need to learn. I agree whole-heartedly with the premise of soaring with the eagles and staying away from the turkeys.

BTW – we'll be celebrating our 41st wedding anniversary next month :).

she probably took my advice and is holding out for a Twitter endorsement deal. You know, girlfriend's got high traffic. She should get paid to Tweet. ;-)

* * * * * * *
Thanks for asking. I'm going to post about why I took twitter down. In the mean time you can find it here.

-Penelope

Great post. I took the "10 doesn't marry a 1" to mean "birds of a feather flock together."

In my case, I work with the most insane, dysfunctional bunch on the planet. It's a company of not quite 50 people, where the Catholic father is President and his five sons are the VP's. The father micromanages everyone and everything. The sons mostly cower and have never really worked anywhere except for Dad. Sons average age is 40, so they're not going to work anywhere else, ever.

So what am I doing here?

I took the job during a phase of heavy partying and little attention-span for things like selecting a job with a better fit for my personality and background. I was psychological 3 on a scale of 1 to 10. If I'm honest, I can see exactly how I got here.

Hopefully, me becoming a psychological greater-than-3 will attract more birds of a feather. Or, if different feathers, ones that complement rather than diffuse.

If I think about it, what was I bringing to the table when I came on board? Not much, really. Except at cocktail hour.

(And by the way, nothing against Catholics. They just often have a lot of sons.)

You made some really good points in your blog. I really enjoyed it. Sometimes it takes really difficult events in our lives to make us see the obvious.

I kinda agree with Penelope's article (about 1's and 10's but I'd like to take it to another level)

Firstly both the 1 and teh 10 are subjective and secondly it keeps changing.

I know that at times in my life – I've been a 3 (as an employee and a spouse) and sometimes I've been a 8.

I feel that, especially in a marriage – when you behave like an 8, your partner is going to behave like an 8. If you behave like a 3, your partner will behave like a 3.

So the analogy is correct but the only additional point is that even a person can vary a lot in how they behave and interact

About twitter: I assumed Ms. Trunk had a surprisingly appropriate (for her, merely common sense for the rest of us) case of tweeter's remorse after tweeting about a bikini wax. How she ever thought that it was appropriate to include such personal information on an investor-backed website where she promotes herself as an expert on "the intersection of work and life" is beyond me. Intersection is one thing; the bikini wax tweet was closer to a car wreck in the middle of that intersection.

I'd recommend Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. Sounds like a lame self-help book, but in fact it has a great explanation of why we choose the people that we do.

That said, the best advice I ever received was… "Stop thinking about why you pick them and how to pick them better. The one thing all of your relationships have in common is you. Work on yourself."

@blink

I see your point, but must disagree with it. Healthy people want to find an equal.

There are plenty of people who want a situation where they can control their mate (you don't think a guy who is a 6 is going to be in fear of losing a woman that is an 8+ ? how much power does that give her in the relationship?) or avoid getting hurt by picking people that do not scare them or threaten them or whatever.

One big difference between jobs and marriages. The line-up card doesn't really change in a marriage.

One week from tomorrow I leave a position I've been in for just over 12 years. After 10 years I sat down at my desk and the realization hit me that I hated the d@mn place and never wanted to come back and didn't really know why.

I started looking for jobs basically like what I had. Got lots of interviews but no offers. On a whim I applied for a position managing a staff of 14 instead of being just one of the professionals on the staff. I got the job.

After I accepted the offer I met my new boss for lunch and really wanted to ask "Why did you hire an outsider with little experience in this subset area instead of hiring within like everyone else does?" Before I could muster the courage to ask, I got my answer. I was being hired to bring in an outsiders view to managing. The boss perceives the staff as lacking focus and caught in the rut of "that's the way we do it" my predecessor was promoted from within and hesitated to get people back on task because he was once one of the gang.

What had sealed it was during the interview when asked my management theories, I talked mostly about holding the laggards accountable to stop them from dragging down the achievers and using the built-in pay system to insure merit raises went to those who do go work rather than passing them out willy-nilly to anyone who hadn't screwed up too bad.

Without realizing it at the time, I was actually venting about the very things that had left me hating my job. When my old boss left five years ago, my new boss was hired within and while no manager can make a lazy person work hard, bad management can make hard workers lazy. It resonated with my new boss because those were the very shortcomings the boss wanted fixed.

"So if it’s offensive to you that I’m dating before I’m divorced, you should probably stop reading. But I want to warn you that you are probably from the same contingent of people who do not approve of looking for a job from your current job, and I’ve got news for you: Everyone’s doing it. Both.

With that kind of flawed reasoning, you could justify anything. You could justify your selfish divorce, you could justify pot smoking because "everyone is doing it". This is poor advice anyone can see through this.

On the work side of this post: You had a fantastic point that each person needs to analyze why they are complaining about work to figure out what to do and whether the problem is you or the organization. No job is perfect and everyone has things they would like to change about their jobs, whether it is possible to change them I don't know. I don't know that the other commenters grasped this point.

I think that you didn't fully develope the point that in analyzing their job someone should think about why they took the job the way that you think about why you married someone. If that attraction to a job or a mate has been lost then maybe it is time to move to a new position or mate.

On the relationship front: I think it is very unrealistic to try to put together a laundry list of "must have items" in a mate and frankly a little bit arrogant. Instead it would be better to have a list of complete deal breakers (from your post it sounds like you don't alcoholics) that are unacceptable in a mate so you can avoid those people. Also, I think each person has a different idea of the perfect relationship dynamic and it won't work if you try to model your relationships around those of someone else. I always tried to come to relationship more as equals (which it sounds like you have a similar ideal) than as one person as older, wiser, more powerful leader and the other as follower. You need to know what your potential mate sees their role as and make sure that is compatible with yours.

@Robin, the whole thing is more like a magnificent train wreck…the occasional good post on the blog only making it harder to look away from (after all, the train wreck of a mediocre or crappy blog isn't interesting).

This post was enlightening. I spend a lot of time reflecting on my own culpability with regard to my personal relationships and my career, but I have yet to connect the two. I just had one of those "aha" moments when I realized that a lot of the company practices that annoy me at work are the same things that attracted me to this employer in the first place. In the beginning, I applauded the company's encouragement of autonomy and individual empowerment, yet now I'm frustrated by the lack of a structured training program. I was initially excited by our aggressive growth initiatives which have since turned our organization into a fragmented mess. I'm not sure what to do with my newly acquired enlightenment, except use it in my next job search and be glad that attorneys aren't involved.

Aah. Work and life. It's an odd stage of society we live in, that we have the pleasure (?) of considering such an intersection. For the farmer in rural Romania or the taxi driver in northeastern China or possibly the hunter-gatherer somewhere in a Central American rain forest, there is no "and." Work, life…I'm guessing they blend.

But in our society, we have reached the Era of Navel Gazing. So be it. Frankly, for me, there are a few permutations of work and life. There are workaholics. There are, if you will permit me, "lifaholics" and there are those who shade gray to either side.

Wander with me for a moment to a forest of ideas. The first idea is that passion will drive people to odd behavior. Passion for theater or music, for instance, might drive someone to forgo college in pursuit of a more artistic endeavor. It works for some (e.g. Kelly Clarkson), but perhaps not as well for the statistical majority. Passion in love might be comparable.

Here's another idea: I don't know the percentages, and I'd be quite interested to learn whether people who fall in love and get married have a higher success rate (staying power, "happy" marriage) than say those whose marriages were arranged through some cultural tradition. Honestly, I'd be surprised if there was much of a difference; or if so, that the difference would favor the arranged marriage.

So what does that mean for work? As it happens, I work in the field of talent management. My job is to help my company identify and development its star managers and leaders of tomorrow, fusing the best of the talent base into the company for increased productivity, better market forays, and so on. The literature of human resources and of talent management tell funny stories, however. Like the process of finding someone we can love and who will love us in return, companies will set out with a set of criteria — call them competencies, behaviors, what have you — either to recruit from the outside or to develop from within. Not surprisingly, these efforts don't always pay off. Perhaps it's the set up; perhaps it's the execution. Either way, just a like so many marriages, the gap between expectations and reality can be quite wide. People are a tricky business; there's not always just one answer.

Is it a matter of competing in your class? Are you a lightweight employee trying to work in a heavyweight company? Sure, that presents some problems, and the fit will likely not be there. But I have witnessed some pretty amazing things that people do, how they stretch themselves or allow themselves to be challenged, and then meet those challenges, to give up quite that easily. Notice how we don't have a "reality" show called "American Actuary?" At this stage in our society, we have arrived a singular focus to identify what we would do if there were no obstacles in our way. Most people say "retire." Then they go into a laundry list of what they might do, what they might buy, etc.

I recall there was a Presidential debate not long ago in which the candidates were asked about their dream job; what would they do if they could do anything? The best answer, of course, was "be President of the United States." Seriously, that's exactly the kind of job/life that, if it's not your number one passion, you really ought to get out now. The sacrifices are just as tremendous as the "starving artist" who paints/dances/composes because they feel compelled to do so.

Personally — since we're about revealing the personal here — I've never had much interest in my career. Funny thing for a guy working in the talent field, yes? But my interest is that I've always been interested in too many things: the corporate thing, professional voice over, flying (as in airplanes), etc. And until recently, I've not really had as much interest in my love life as perhaps I'd convinced myself I had (never married, no kids). But my career has sorted itself out and it looks like my love life might do as well. So I'm a bit sanguine about trying to "figure it all out." Let's face it: we Americans are a bit goofy when it comes to work. Two or three weeks vacation, hyper-sensitive about whether or not we're being productive, Crack-berries everywhere (and we wonder why marriages fall apart). We don't even take our vacations, as a whole. Or, when we do, we take our work with us. Well, not me. But then, as I say, I'm not all that much about my career.

So, may I suggest we kick back a bit, take it all a little less seriously and spend a bit more time enjoying the here and the now? Of course, this assumes you can enjoy it and that you haven't lost your job, your mortgage, your pension, your 401k, etc. In which case your work, or lack thereof, will certainly and very soon impact your life. If you're on your own, well, the impact is tough, but not catastrophic. If you've got people who depend on you, then I'd say you and the farmer, the taxi driver and the hunter/gatherer are going to have a bit more in common for the time being. And then it's a choice that doesn't require any navel-gazing. Just a will to survive.

You know business is business and a marriage is a marriage. They don't work the same way!! Sure both do better with good people skills but they aren't the same!!!! You are approaching your marriage/divorce/remarriage like a business or job interview – it ain't gonna work!!

oh wait, i forgot to say, I then less than 2 years later met my total soulmate, never thought it would happen, so don't lose hope! (and we got married not 9 months after meeting and it's been awesome since!!)

You should run some sort of "find a date for Penelope" contest.

As a recruiter, I would really appreciate that.

Hey, what happened to the juicy responses. I was having fun reading them. Where'd they go? Drama online is so much more fun than work. Please put them back…..

Life is seldom fair but it always tells the truth – at least until well meaning people or those with with a vested interest in changing the outcome, don't revise the "truth".
That truth is easiest to see when we look at our lives and those of people we care about or just know well.

My initial discomfort at the statement, "a ten never marries a one," and my disagreement with the advice to only hire "A" players, stems from the fact that I, way deep down, consider myself a "1" and a "B" player. The strange thing is, my wife of 19 years is a "10" and an "A" player, so what gives?

When we look at life, we have so much invested in who we think we are, and what we are afraid of, that it colors our perspective – even when we aren't consciously thinking about who we are or what we fear. And to be honest, the people who can honestly remove themselves from the analytical equation in making any decision are most likely to be the ones who benefit from conventional wisdom or the "unfair" rules of life. They also tend to be really polarizing elements.

So… now I know I must be a ten or at least further away from the 1 side of the spectrum than I still think I am. This makes my day :)

Just my two cents worth.

I agree here. It's a bad idea to complain too much about your current job. Seems everywhere you look, there's discontent in the biz world. Bad management seems all too common. If you take a bad job, there's noone to blame but yourself. Finding a good job takes patience and a sense of knowing yourself. The best way to avoid the lackluster organizations is to look for signs of their bad habits prior to the interview process. Do your company research – read news, financial posts, etc. Learn where these companies are positioned in the marketplace. Have a list of questions ready for your interviewer.
All of this takes work but, it will pay off by helping you qualify the job better. Look for warning signs during the interview process. Your attitude must be, that you are there to interview the company too. You and the employer are looking for the same thing – to get you placed in a job you want to do. Once, I showed up for an interview of a job searching for "An experienced Field Sales rep with 5-10 years experience". I had two phone interviews leading me to believe the company was looking for a high-level, independent worker with past sales results. They used all the right words and attention getters. Once I got to the interview, the sales manager told me I'd have to work from the office for 6 months and make 50 cold calls a day. This set me off guard. His answer led me to think he wanted to monitor me for 6 months to see how I'd work out. This was probably his normal method of managing people. For me, it did not feel right and, therefore – it was an instant disqualifyer. I'm not perfect at this. 2 years ago, I accepted this current job. I finally found a company that noticed my field sales experience and worth. I have independence, good pay and flexibility to be creative in my work. Unfortunately, I don't have a good relationship with my boss. I made the mistake of working for someone who I typically avoid. Boss is loud, sendom listens, operates in an evironment of chaos. I'm organized to a fault. Well, now I'm learning a new tough lesson – make sure you like the person who hires/manages you, now matter how great the job is. I found good pay and flexibility but, now I have an uphill battle for promotion and advancement. I'm currently working on ways to manage his personality better.

i am befuddled. I fell in love with an alcholic although I didn't know it at the time. we were togather for 9 year, two of which I was recovering from a major accident ands subsequent depression that went along with it. Afte all of this one day e tells me he wants my to leave. DUH. Talk about blindsided. Needeless to say between the accident, the breakup and the .loss pf a part time job that keot my head above water I had a mini break down. I got into sleeping pills ans xaxax, byut wht the hell I didn't want to get put of bed let alone face the day. I see him ofen and he calls me many times ady and I am so confused as to why he does this. My pain is now turning into anger. Is this normal. Any feedback , good or bad will make me feel better. Ihave lost mu selkf convidence and ego and I know that some day it will come back, but so far it has been a failure. I still don't understand how someone can love you and ask you to marry him and then when things are so bad he runs. what kind of man does this ?