The only emails I get that say “contact me if you want to interview me about my life” are from stay-at-home dads.

Bucking the trend: Contact me if you want to interview me about my life :)

It appears to me this guy is having a difficult time adjusting to his role in the marriage. It also sounds as though the marriage is working on a superficial level with the finances intact, etc. However it was the 'power imbalance, more vulnerable, and strength to our relationship' paragraph that spoke to me that this relationship does not have a solid foundation. He has gotten used to it but hasn't sorted it all out. Also troubling is the mention of respect from his wife. I wonder how his wife views their marriage, their roles in it, and its current condition.
"I just do what they do, with a masculine twist." would not do it for me. Of course there are many details to this story that we are not aware of so this comment is only what I can surmise is happening in this marriage. I wish him and his family the best as his role as a stay at home dad is challenging as demonstrated by this post.

Whoa. Uuuhhhhh, not where I expected that to go at all. Wow. Yeah, clearly there are more issues here than anyone wants to admit.

In a vague way it reminds me a bit of the book Little Children by Tom Perrota.

"I’m a chauvinist and always had a condescending view of women who stayed home, who live very pampered lives. Well, now I’m one of them…I just do what they do, with a masculine twist."

So, has his opinion changed? Does he respect stay at home parents now? I'd like to know what he sees as his contribution to the family, and whether or not he values it. He says his wife's career is great for the kids, but never addresses how great it is for the kids to have him around.

I realize the affair is what will get talked about the most bring the most traffic, but I feel like a huge chunk of this story is missing.

Um. wtf? This guy sounds like a douchebag. Was the cheating part supposed to impress the readers? I'm confused.

Come on Penelope. I'm sure you can easily find like 20 MUCH more interesting and insightful stay at home dads with a quick blog search…

I have to say that this is the first post on this blog that has disappointed. What was the point of that? I am no prude and I wasn't offended by the content at all. It was just…kind of…lame.

How is this a post about what it's like being a stay-at-home dad?

Perhaps this resonates with Penelope as to what a stay-at-home dad is all about, but I honestly have no idea why this anonymous guest blogger's story would merit "an exception".

Uh…who was watching the kids while he was sklinking around in that woman's room?

What a strange entry. If I didn't know any better, Penelope, I'd swear you wrote the guest post. The SAHD's monologue reads like your prose, right down to the description of the romantic liaison at the end.

"I like this guy because he is more honest with me about his life than any other stay-at-home dad I know."

Really? Other random stay-at-home dads aren't e-mailing you left and right with stories of their infidelities? Shocking!

Good point Rick Rock.

This post is really bothering me and I am having trouble figuring out why.

I agree with Brownit – maybe this is similar to your experience with your husband and you are "projecting" or maybe it is something else.

The only think you have documented here is some behavior and mere behavior outside of context or motivation tells us nothing, teaches us nothing and only leaves us scratching our head.

Why does he stay with this kids? Why don't both parents work? In my experience, most families that have a stay at home parent do so out of ideology and strong values – a willingness to sacrifice the material for the mental, psychological and spiritual.

This clown comes off more as a resentful n'er do well that resents his wifes success and not feeling respected or admired, seeks to meet that need by gaining the admiration of an older woman.

I conclude that the reason you left out the why is because it is entirely base and uninteresting. He is a selfish, uncomplicated failure with no pain tolerance, no emotional endurance (my grandparents called it "longsuffering" and put it in their vows).

Please explain what on earth you find interesting or at all valuable in this person because I highly doubt he has much to offer outside of confirming to you that SAHDs are inherently losers and that your recent decisions are justified and that your propensity to share TMI is a virtue and not just a minor character flaw that you have capitalized on.

I could never be a SAHD and I don't know how my wife does it day in day out – If there are guys that want to do it and do it effectively and not just to escape the fact that their career is in melt down (or failure to launch) then great – go for it.

I usually enjoy and support you because even when I don't agree with you, I can at least understand your reasoning and I know that as an ENTJ, you have the capacity to think things through and introspect, but you need to have something checked because you completely and totally missed the boat on this one and I just don't understand how you could let that happen.

Penelope,
How about writing about shared parenting? Rather than just having a SAHParent scenario, there's a third path of having both parents work part-time (my husband and I have done this for three years). It's good to point out there are more than just the two obvious options of one parent staying home or both parents working full time.

J

Ms. Trunk, will you please explain how you sat in this man's church for 20 years and let these kinds of comments slide? Do you really expect us to believe that you didn't attend on those Sundays when this man was cheating on his wife?

Like others here, I completely miss the point on this one. The only value I can draw from it is the rather obvious conclusion that you shouldn't drag your spouse along to a conference where you will be in meetings all day at a hotel where there is nothing to do. Why didn't he stay home with the kids? That doesn't make any sense.

Thanks for your great career tip today. I will now consider quitting my job so i can stay home and get more tail.

Come on, i know you have to fill blog space, but give us a break.

But does he get bored? Does he secretly hate it? Does he feel emasculated at home? Does "doing what I want" really include screwing around, and if not, exactly how much bad behaviour does it include? Does he wife know "what he wants"? Does she care, how much?

We need to know more! Please keep them coming.

This was a disappointing and depressing story. This fellow clearly has no ethics, and my heart goes out to his wife and family.

Like Meredith, I've been wavering on whether or not to continue subscribing to your blog. Consider another one of your previous fans unsubscribed.

I have to say that I thought this was a really interesting post–much better than the standard SAHD blog about how the guy is just so enthralled by his kids, has no issues about not being a breadwinner, letting the wife wear the pants, etc. I was a SAHM for 8 years and 100% relate to this guy.

In response to Ali's comment above: "If that is how he thinks housewives act, as a whole, I think he is sorely mistaken." Actually, it is Ali who is sorely mistaken; it has been my experience during the 12 years I've been a parent that a great many housewives do act exactly like this and his portrayal is actually really, really accurate. Sorry to burst everyone's bubbles but statistics don't lie–the divorce rate and stats on infidelity aren't what they are because someone makes up the numbers; the reality is that far more people cheat than are faithful. And

People think that just because someone is a stay-home parent it means that they love all kids, love playing with their kids and reading to them every hour of the day, love cooking and cleaning and are just so content and grateful to be able to enjoy the luxury of not having to work and being able to be home with their kids. The reality is that some people feel that if they have kids they're going to raise them and daycare is not an acceptable option–or at least while the kids are young.

But just because you are willing to make the necessary sacrifice to be home full-time so your kids can have the benefit of a stay-home parent doesn't mean that your sole focus in life is your kids. I think the expectation that a full-time parent is supposed to have no life other than taking care of the kid is ridiculous; that's the same as having a full-time worker being expected to work literally 24/7 at the office and remain focused and productive and dedicated solely to his/her job. As for the comments about how this guy is supposed to just wax on about how much he loves his son, loves being home, and is obviously a bad dad because he doesn't even mention his kid here–the reality is that just like you go to work yet still love your kids, this guy can love his kid but not have to mention him in every sentence he writes.

And as for the cheating–if being a stay-home parent with a successful spouse isn't a recipe for making anyone a cheater I don't know what is. Getting attention from someone of the opposite sex is pretty much the ONLY attention/ego stroking available to stay-home parents and plenty of people are lulled into affairs. Think about it–you work, you get praised by your boss, you feel smart and important and interesting and have stuff to talk about and think about. This guy–and other stay-home parents–are home with nobody to talk to, nothing to do but clean and play with kid/s, have mixed feelings about not having a job, worry whether they'll ever be able to get back into the work world and resume a career, etc, etc. Some guy or gal starts paying that person compliments, flirting, etc and an opportunity arises, hell yes in many cases what happened to this guy is exactly what happens to tons of others in his same position. Why do you think there are so many cliches about women sleeping with the tennis pro, the plumber, the gardner, etc? Because it happens all the time!

I never do the "you'll see when you're older" thing but in this case, I have to say that many of you might read this and feel differently in 10 or 20 years. And if not and I'm wrong, just write me off as a jaded 40-yr old ex-SAHM.

"I just do what they do, with a masculine twist." So, this guy's opinion is that most stay-at-home moms are cheating sluts? He's so disgusting I almost find myself wishing that it is just because Penelope did a bad job of editing his emails.

That was pointless. And weird. Where were the kids? My stay-at-home-dad husband and son go along with me on buisness trips and we have a blast together when the conference day is done. And no, I'm not worried about them at all… my husband is a fabulous parent and spouse, and has really embraced the time he gets to spend raising our son.

What I would like to know more about is how life is for you as a working mom. Sometimes it seems like you are fixated by the failures of SAHDs, but what about your challenges as a working mom? As a parent?

I've enjoyed reading some of your old blogs where you bring up some of the SAHD issues… but this wasn't one of them… this was very bizarre, disjointed, and not about parenting at all!

Not everyone who says they're a "stay at home dad" is in fact at home. But you have to say SAHD for people to make sense of why you're out during the day taking care of your kids.

For nine of the months I was telling people I was a SAHD, I was actually working a 6-day, 52-hours, second-shift, phone-asnwering job.

This is what "staying at home" looked like:

6:00 Wake up with the kids
8:30 Hop on the train with both kids, drop older kid at preschool, then playground, adventure, and nap with the baby
12:00 Pickup at preschool, lunch with both kids, then train home
1:30 Hand-off kids, shower, bus to work
3:00 Work
11:00 Bus home
12:00 Sleep

Repeat…

I can understand receiving attention and even the flirting. Being able to cheat with someone is just as fulfilling as doing it as far as an ego boost. The minute he knocked on that door, he cheated. Career, Business-person being synonymous with cheater is a destructive theme being visited too often lately.

Temptation usually enters through a door that was deliberately left open.

Maggie -

I will respectfully disagree with you.

I will agree that yes, divorce in on the rise, yes, there is infidelity. But as I said, as a whole, I don't think his portrayal is how most housewives are.

I'm not saying I think I (or all other housewives) are perfect, that we don't make mistakes, that we don't struggle.

Perhaps what strikes me the most is the utter lack of consideration of what may result from his actions.

Perhaps I am naive and young, but I haven't been exposed to the level comfort this anonymous dad has when it comes to infidelity.

That all said, I think you gave about 10 times as much thought as what anonymous dad did. Although I don't agree with your viewpoint, I can see where you are coming from.

Thanks for the discussion.

I think this is a poor piece doing no justice to stay at home dads everywhere. Why highlight a self proclaimed chauvinist? Shock value? I am a stay at home dad, visit my blog anytime you feel like seeing a real dad in action, not some cheating sack of crap. WTF is this anyways? A joke I hope. w/e, I am done with this.

Jeez, relax people. I, like most of you were surprised by the direction this story took, but it is only a story. I do not understand why this leads to attacks on Penelope. If you do not like her blogs then don't read them but do you have to verbally attack her and comment that you are 'unsubscribing'????? Who cares. Move along.

I'm sorry, Penelope, but I don't think this post brings up any of the questions you added in the Addendum, mainly because the writer seems to be a thoughtless dolt. This was the best you could do? I'm embarrassed for all stay at home dads, that this is the guy you choose to represent them. Better luck next time on this kind of post, if there is one.

It's hard to say for sure since the post is short and anecdotal, but what I gleaned from this story is that it sounds like the guy feels almost… justified (or at least doesn't sound like he feels guilty) in his actions because of the role he's in. If anything, it's convinced me that personality is less affected by one's daily role than I may have thought. I bet if this guy was a CEO and his wife was home with the kids, he'd be banging his secretary and still feel alright about it.

@jenniferp: Just to clarify since I asked "Why is he not a success?" I don't think choosing to stay home to raise children is a loser move at all, for mothers or fathers. I was wondering why he was not a success in his profession because that's how HE put it in the emails. Is the reason he's staying at home because he couldn't hack his career? Or because he wanted to do it for his kids? Those questions aren't answered but they're important.

In a nutshell, stay-at-home spouses resent that their partner is working outside the home, and to compensate, they find a piece of ass.

When will you post a story about a stay-at-home parent?

I'm hoping the end result isn't the same as this one…a three-hour fling just because the opportunity was there doesn't paint anyone in a good light, much less someone who is home with the kid(s).

Penelope: is this a recap of your marriage? It kind of reads like your writing, so maybe you're spilling the beans about an affair your husband had while he attended a conference with you, thus the real reason for your divorce.

Please advise.

I was wondering that Ken, but I discounted it because:

1. its a bit too obvious
2. the conversations were email – I doubt her husband would reveal that in email
3. he says his wife provides well – I could be wrong, but reading between the lines, they seem to be stretched a bit
4. he said it added strength to their relationship – when PT recounts her life, it seems the SAHD thing did the opposite

Also – why do women hit on SAHDs? Here is my guess:
1. They may *seem* easier to control
2. Marrieds in general and stay-at-homes in particular have a lot to lose by confessing an affair
3. They are readily available and are probably not being carefully monitored
4. They seem different – perhaps more sensitive or conversational
5. Maybe it is the inverse of the attraction men feel towards powerful career women.

What's with my incessent use of spaces?

It was overkill in my last comment!

Maybe I'll trademark it.

Came back to read more comments – I think my biggest problem remains that the post does not support the title, from my experience. If this dude feels good about his life, and you think it is representative of SAHDs, well, you're both entitled to your opinions – it is nothing like what I've been through and experienced though.

On a side not – you sure do have a lot of people who like to defend you Penelope. It seems kind of silly though, in a taking my ball and going home, good-riddance kind of way.

As I regularly read Penelope's posts and comments, the same re-occurring thing always comes to mind. Career first, kids second, or wherever they fit in. Many of you are going to some day look back and say, wow, what was so dang important about my career and why the heck did I spend so much time on that rather than my family?

I have nothing against both parents working, one working, one at home…whatever. But as I approach 50 and I see how fast my life is going and my children have grown, I find it's my family that is giving me most satisfaction and meaning. Work and the career are really falling far behind. I imagine this will only continue as I get older.

What's really great about this is 30 years ago, my husband and I somehow realized…through know brainiac idea of our own…that these kids of ours were pretty important. The time we spent with them then is what's making them so enjoyable now.

Always keep in mind the song "Cat's in the Cradle."

That said, the SAHD is a total loser. Scum. Good riddance to him. Hmmm, Penelope's lawyer told her not to write about her husband..directly, that is.

"respect takes a huge effort and a lot of mental tricks" WTF!!! I am so sorry that your marriage didn't work out – but don't think for a minute that most working women with SAHD require mental tricks to respect their husbands. I stayed at home for 3 years, before my husband took over – I have NOTHING but respect for what he does!

Another classic post. Starts with a Letter from the Penthouse Forum as Debbie and Lori so accurately pointed out (the email is definitely a fake-from either "the guy" or Penelope). Then, after the obligatory sex scene, you can add subtle digs at SAHD's to irritate the soon to be ex. Finally, a good collection of racuous comments including Clarissa's and Mr. STTM (Shane The Tool Man) who apparently like their dialogue one-sided and fawning. I guess Gen-Y'ers have no need for reflection and critical analysis.

More reasons why this is one of my favorite blogs to check in on before the end of the workday. Never a dull moment :)

This post isn't about her husband.

Why do women hit on stay home dads?

Stay home moms: because they're the only men in the playgroup.

Wealthy successful career women: because they think stay home dads are dumb pushovers who will act like office juniors when told what to do.

(Then there are the nice women of course. They don't hit on stay home dads at all. But we're not talking about them, are we.)

Wow today I realized you can subscribe to blogs instead of simply navigating to them. Isn't it amazing how something so simple can escape notice until brought up in conversation. Now I'm signed up. (-:

I'm glad our world is changing to allow something other than the career husband and homemaker mother to be acceptable. We don't have to fit into those cookie cutters anymore and lets face it so many people in history never did fit.

I most likes the descriptions in the comments I have read so far about even more alternative work/parent situations. Day care is damn expensive!

I think Penelope should run for office. Her associate feels well respected by their spouse AND gets laid.

"Sex for everyone!" could be your platform.

As the wife of a SAHD, I was not surprised by the post, but it was sad to read. My current husband has been at home as long as we've been together for one reason after another.
With my ex, I stayed home for years and worked hard to make sure the household was running smoothly, volunteered, baked/cooked etc.
I would have so much more respect for my husband if he would take his role as seriously as he would an outside job, instead of doing things half-way.
My schedule: wake up at 7, in car by 7:30 drive to work for an hour then work thru lunch to 5:30 and drive home for an hour. 2 out of 3 chance I will have to make dinner for myself and kids when I get home.
His schedule: sleep til 10am – toddlers get themselves up and watch cartoons, snacking on dry cereal. Surf internet and occasionally change diaper or get drinks/food for toddlers until midday. Watch TV until teens get home to take over babysitting, then back to internet. Occasionally do some laundry, but leave it in baskets for weeks.

He calls himself a stay at home dad, but it doesn't compare to what being a stay at home mom entails…not even close! Yet, he gets way more credit for his choice because people assume he does what a woman would be doing in his shoes: ie. cooking, shopping, cleaning, childcare, and just parenting in general.

This can't be a post by a real SAHD. The context's too close to PT's situation. And he doesn't even talk about being a dad. Either way, the guy comes across as a whiny loser who needs tail to feel better about himself.

Kudos to Ed Borden & Jeremy (Discovering Dad). I don't think I could juggle so much if I were in their places. Whoever stays at home needs to have a fair bit of inner strength – male or female. You guys rock.

This post was about the sexiness of guys with kids. That's it. And, if true, it didn't even prove his point. He got a proposition from one 50 year old woman and went for it like a starving dog.

When the Gen Y Revolution changes everything, assholes like this are going to end up in the dustbin of history. If a Gen Y husband says he gets hit on, you'll know it's by two or three girls in their 20s and 30s every time he takes the kids for a stroll.

And he might be a bit flattered but he won't accept any of their value propositions because he's seen his own family wrecked by the poor behaviour of his Baby Boomer parents and doesn't want the same for his wife and kids.

And in the future, once the evil baby boomers are gone, people won't need to cheat on eachother because they'll have a better set up with relatively brief serial marriages that don't allow partners to get bored. (Once everyone starts living to 130, lifetime monogamy is going out the window).

And everyone's going to be telecommuting anyway so there won't be any more househusbands or wives.

Love the blogs about managing your career, and frequently share them and enlist new subscribers. Not at all interested in the ones that are self-serving (eg, this one and the one about fighting/flirting with your business partner.) It's putting yourself out there in a negative way.

You have a certain talent that can make you famous and RESPECTED. We all know you're in tremendous pain, and many of us sympathize or even empathize. Be careful not to sabotage yourself by allowing emotion to preside over intelligence. Focus…

Of what this man is facing and what you are trying to show your readers. But I would disagree that this guy is a complete jerk and (gasp) think that a lot of the comments directed at him are sexist.

I think if it had been a woman in his position you would see other posters stroking her ego and forgiving her, probably blaming her husband for neglecting her needs and offering advice to her on how she can make her SAH life a little more rewarding. So lets try applying that advice here….

I think the Dad/Husband in question does sound like he is a little restless and unchallenged (intellectually and perhaps sexually speaking). Like a lot of women in his position he probably feels like he can't burden the breadwinner with his needs because he stays at home and his life and pressures are probably seen as less than hers. Maybe he and his wife should try a little harder to find private time or plan date nights, maybe he needs to ask for that time and feels awkward about it?

His anxiety about seeming or realizing he is chauvanist reveals a lot but not what I "think" he is looking for. I think he just feels surprised that he sympathizes with women in his role and yet feels emasculated for having to talk about how he's feeling to his wife. That, to me, doesn't have anything to do with his SAHD status, I think that happens in any relationship, regardless of circumstances. The SAHD is just there to blame, when in fact, there are plenty of men who work full time who feel the same apprehension about approaching their working wives about the very same thing.

To me, his SAHD status is a scapegoat for a routine marital problem that he shouldn't feel embarrassed about. Plenty of spouses feel confused in this role and even more face need fulfillment issues without being at home all the time.

Lastly, maybe it's time for a change. Maybe he needs to figure out how to find time for his own career or intellectual needs. A hobby, classes in something he likes, or activity outside the home? Again, I do think that advice of this nature would have been heaped upon him had he been a woman and while I don't excuse cheating, the causes behind it are not because hes a male or a jerk.

How insulting to all the REAL Stay-At-Home-Dads. I'm disappointed that you chose this guy over the TONS that supposedly want YOU to interview them. You are obviously a poor judge of character or you posted this just for the attention you knew it'd get you. Sad.

this is depressing…the whole thread. People waste too much time worrying about how others live their lives. It is possi ble to live in difficult circumstances, in challenging times and choose "happily." Who cares why some women hit on SAHDs? Unless you are a bored SAHD.

Way off base Dorothy – the people who have been hardest on the man in the article are the fathers and husbands. Thats not being sexist, thats just men being men (although to some, they are synonymous)

Of course we would approach it differently if it was a woman – you would still get disdain and disgust, but it would be from a different angle. Despite all the truly great progress that has been made, men and women are still different.

Men interact, bond and judge men in ways that are entirely different than the ways we interact with women. This is nowhere near changing and that is why, as a man, I can say with complete confidence that the guy in the story is a disgusting example of what a husband and father should be.

Any men want to speak up for him? Give him a little sympathy? Aw, poor guy, maybe he had issues growing up and always had a thing for cougars…

I motion to pass a man-law resolution affirming the male in the post to me an unmitigated asshole.

Wow! some of you have some serious relationship issues that you may want to work out for yourselves.

Not to say that I was impressed by this guy, but since I'm the bread winner and my wife stays at home to take care of our children I viewed it as what she might think/feel about me, my work, our relationship, and how I can/should/will do a better job of making her understand that her role is just as important(if not more so) and just like me she needs to have more than just her work in her life. Of course, I believe that is the hard part for the stay at homers since your "work" is your family.

Penelope:

Here goes:

* Is being a stay-at-home dad any different than the life that Betty Friedan and Sylvia Plath worked so hard to get away from?

Yes, and that difference lies in two factors – choice and the complex feelings/ response created by socialisation of genders

* Is the world really ready for stay-at-home dads? Will the world ever be ready? We have done a more successful job, I think, integrating women into the work world than men into the domestic world. Are women crossing these boundaries more validated than the men who cross the boundaries?

The world really does not give a damn. Those, who think too much about others paying attention to them and worse, laughing at them, really should see a shrink to take the clinical paranoia test. People really do not have time to think about others' life style so much as these clearly-idle-stay-at-home folks (of either gender) think.

* Why is the world not talking about the downside of being a stay-at-home dad? Moms complain about this lifestyle all the time –when they are doing it — but men don’t.

See above. Also it is a _choice_ to have children. Ergo, a choice to outsource that baby-rearing or to stay home and do it yourself. If one is adult enough to procreate, one is adult enough to deal with the consequences.

And which moms are you talking about? The few of my female friends, who are SAHMs, do not complain. They have a full life and others envy them their freedom while thanks to no complaining, few see the downsides which, obviously, then do not get discussed.

* Do women respect their stay-at-home husbands? I wonder if women might have to work very very hard to respect their husbands who stay at home. Perhaps gratitude comes easily, but respect takes a huge effort and a lot of mental tricks.

I think you are much better-placed to answer that question yourself than most others, no? :-) For the rest, here is the rub – some people just cannot respect others, whether at home or in the workplace. Others have a greater dose of empathy and good sense. Most people, who do well and are liked at work, carry the same values at home and at work – fairness, hard work, respect.

There is no real gender divide here, except when imagined.

* Why do women hit on stay-at-home dads?

For the same reason that random male readers hit on women bloggers; the same reason why men cat-call or whistle at women in general; the same reason why anyone picks on a minority – a combination of 'exoticness' hence rarity value and general gender issues.

If you do not already know of it, you may want to follow a Sunday column called Slummy Mummy here in the UK. There is a character Sexy Domesticated Dad in there. He is friends with Slummy Mummy, Lucy, but she almost always reads more into his texts than he means. This is not a conclusion, just a suggestion that it _is_ possible to jump to conclusions with little or no data.

Thanks.

Meg,
My point is that this guy does not feel good about raising his kids just about hitting on some woman. Whether she is 20 or 50 does not matter.

Wow, what an inflammatory post. It's no wonder you are deluged with comments–this post is like a troll to stay-at-home Moms and Dads, on the one hand suggesting that corporate women can't be trusted with other women's husbands (or, it seems, share their life with their own). On the other hand, the post suggests that stay-at-home Dads have nothing better to do with their time than make assignations with their wives' associates.

Where, exactly, is the "Dad" part of this post? And why, with all the fantastic stay-at-home Dads out there working hard to raise their kids in an empowering environment, did you pick this one guy, who admits to having been a chauvinist "in the past" (ha!) and sneaking around behind his wife's back (whether or not anything sexual happened is beside the point; this is not a trustworthy man).

You say you get mail from stay-at-home Dads all th time asking you to talk about their lives: again, why pick this one? You're insulting them by even suggesting this guy is the typical SAHD.

This post reads like an episode from "Desperate Housewives" only it's Mr Mom being the lady of bored circumstance and low moral virtue. I guess this is what happens sometimes when the shoe is on the other foot and there is nothing holding it together other than convenience. The piecemeal nature of the post didn't help convey a complete picture of this person's circumstances either.

My take… even if you and your significant other spend alot of time together, when you can, the party that stays at home should have something other than a mere stay at home existance. The days for that are gone – for most of us – and unless you are cut from a different cloth, it is a very unfulfilling, though potentially rewarding, life.

@ Jim Eiden fix your family life now while you can. What you described isn't a good relationship situation and could implode anytime.

This is the most moronic and offensive crap I have read in a long time… and on so many levels.

One, I am offended as a woman that it is perfectly fine if I stay at home, but somehow it's emasculating is a man does it.

Two, I am offended for all the amazing stay at home dads out there who aren't some whiny, threatened, cheating bastard. Aww, it's just soooo awful for him that his wife (who sounds much classier than him!) actually does well with her career, and just how trying that is for him. Awww…. that's awful. I'm crying… on the inside.

I do NOT think this guy represents the norm. SAHDs not only have all the work a SAHM has to deal with, but they have to also cope with moronic BS just like this on top of it.

No, some of YOU aren't ready for SAHDs. Some of us are a little more progressive, and don't think it's still the 70s. Seriously.

If you are hearing from sooooo many SAHDs just beggging you to talk about little old them (wow, big head much?) then why don't you profile one who is a good example. I'm sure you could find hundreds. Just look at any daddy blogs.

You should just be embarrassed for yourself, hon.

The stay at home dads I know all love their kids and love their wives. Seems this guy doesn't care much about anyone but himself. Not a good representation, but instead a sad generalization.

It's difficult to come to any kind of useful conclusion with regard to this issue, because the questions raised deal in generalities, but ultimately everyone has to figure out his or her own life. We can try to determine whether the world is ready for stay at home dads, but does that make any difference at all to those men (and their families) who are actually in that position? As a soon-to-be stay at home dad (I work from home, my wife is in the military) I don't really care whether the media or the general public accept the choices my wife and I have made – it works for us. Does anything else matter? This doesn't necessarily mean it will work for anyone else – they'll have to figure it out.

I feel like I must be missing something, because this doesn't seem that complicated. We're talking about fairly basic concepts here – respecting one's spouse (and honestly if that depends on careers/income then I'm not sure marriage was a good idea), accepting and fulfilling responsibilities, making compromises. Of course it's all easier said than done, but that's not because it's complicated, it's just that it requires a lot of work.

Danielle – thank you for your post! The facts are shocking!!!!!

I feel like the only person on the planet that actually got something out of this. Someone further up referred to this article being about a stay at home husband not a stay at home dad. I think that is exactly the gist of the discussion.

I know plenty of stay at homes (both male and female) who are providing valuable 'services' to the family and yet don't feel valued. They dutifully perform their 'duties' yet wonder where their life and sense of self has gone. They don't get the re-assurance and understanding from their partners.

It is not that they don't care about the family but they feel that their partner does not give them the care that they deserve or need. It is not something to be proud of for sure, but it is human nature to be flattered by attention, particularly if one feels they are not getting it at home. Especially as this can go one for years. I am certainly not saying the guy is right but I certainly understand where he is coming from.

I didn't particularly like Penelope's article. However, there are a few really insightful/interesting posts from people explaining their own situation in the comments.

The comments that stood out to me were those about stay-at-home parents _not_ performing well. They made me realize that some people perhaps do not work well in a stay-at-home parenting role/environment. I'm in no way trying to insult anyone. I'm just now realizing that stay-at-home parenting is a distinct _work environment_ (probably somewhat similar to work-at-home alone jobs); and not everyone works effectively in that state.

I guess what I'm saying is that, perhaps some of the problems SAHP are having could simply be because they don't fit well in that work environment. Perhaps, for _some_ struggling SAHP, it isn't as complex as relationship problems, emotional controversy with gender roles, or issues with feeling respected.

Based on how unproductive I typically am in unstructured work environments, I will carefully consider whether or not I even have the capacity to be a SAHP (think seriously about what I have to do to make sure I can be productive).

I agree with the people who say "WHAT THE HECK IS THE POINT OF THIS POST".

And you see, I am not just any guy…I am a guy who was a stay at home dad for two years. And I did it a decade ago…so if you think the world is not ready for "full-time-dads" now…. go back eleven year and you will find that people thought I was from Mars. Especially because I made more money and was the one who wanted to work outside the home. But my wife was given a promotion to a job she had wanted for 7 years while on maternity leave (she had secretly not planned to return to her company after the birth).

She went on to be sales person of the year three times over the next three years for her group.

I had two years that were both wonderful and difficult on so many levels.

Nobody ever hit on me. Not sure what your anonymous writer is trying to prove … but who cares. Is that part of the story really about being a full time dad?

Being married and raising kids is about being part of a team. If a family chooses to have one spouse home while the other works, then there are some issues that they face (for both). Life is hard…. raising kids brings difficulties. Choices are made. Society does treat men who stay home different. Money and power create crazy issues. Yep….it is hard and people can get bummed out and do dumb things, etc…. but that is not what it is about. It is about the kids.

But as a former full time dad (and proud of those 2 years) I am disappointed in this whole post cuz it does not really address anything.

Nobody comes off looking good in this post. Everyone loses. The writer, his wife, you, your readers, and full-time dads all over the country. That is a shame,,, cuz this is a topic that needs real discussion, especially as younger generations are exploring all the ways to parent.

You should use your HUGE audience to have a real dialog on this topic, not this drivel. You usually do better.

(sorry if this double posts…having connection problems)

Jesus, if comments are any index of how your blog is doing (and really, discussion is information commerce, yes?), I'd say it's doing just great.

Second, as a lesbian feministish type, I don't really see what the big deal is. This guy is a stay at home dad who chose not to gush about seeing his kid's first steps, but picked the topic of challenges and less-than-fuzzy realities.

And I think there are a lot of people misreading the guy's scenario at the conference. He was clearly tempted, but didn't have sex with the woman. I don't know where people are getting that; that is NOT how you brag about a sexual conquest. Not saying he felt good about it, (e.g., feeling like a burglar) but for the moment more interested in charting the dynamic between the worker bee and the domestically inclined: gender doesn't seem to matter. That interaction, combined with the comments about his wife maybe not respecting as much as she would, speaks to the way money works in our society: validating some, scorning others. Sure, you may be above all that, but these days money is a pretty potent symbol of your potential. You can have potential without it, but how reassuring to have a high $ assigned to it! It reminds me of the discussion about how "housewives" should get paid six figures…but they're not, and this exclusion is reflected in how people view them and their role. This guy didn't invent this idea; he merely discusses how it affects him in his situation as a SAHD.

And I feel like calling this guy a crappy dad is a bit much. I didn't get that at all.

People are so weird.

@ Danielle

The Scandinavian countries are the ones that require dads to take paternity leave. But they are also the ones which reserve 40% of board seats and a large % (cannot recall – it _is_ 6am my time) of parliamentary seats for women. Yes, they are doing more and one has to ask if the US is ready to all that much more.

I think it would be more interesting to examine what % of men take paternity leave. In the Anglo-Saxon world, the answer is hardly any! That says more about the workplace culture than about the legal provisos of the countries, don't you think?

Round 2

Is being a stay-at-home dad any different than the life that Betty Friedan and Sylvia Plath worked so hard to get away from?

Being a stay-at-home parent is work.. it becomes something to get away from when the other spouse refuses to participate emotionally and/or doesn't respect the work.

Is the world really ready for stay-at-home dads?

yes, of course.

Will the world ever be ready

We're already here.

We have done a more successful job, I think, integrating women into the work world than men into the domestic world. Are women crossing these boundaries more validated than the men who cross the boundaries?

Women still get paid squat for equal work.. call that successful?.. I suppose that means more for the men.
Women that are so blinded by their womenness.. well.. they don't really have an perspective to be objective.. I think the question is a wash

Why is the world not talking about the downside of being a stay-at-home dad? Moms complain about this lifestyle all the time –when they are doing it — but men don’t.

Because it's the same issues.. but the women don't believe it's the same issues.. so they don't listen.. so we quit complaining.. either that.. or men are better workers than women.. but I don't believe that.

Do women respect their stay-at-home husbands? I wonder if women might have to work very very hard to respect their husbands who stay at home. Perhaps gratitude comes easily, but respect takes a huge effort and a lot of mental tricks.

If you don't respect the stay-at-home Dad.. then you don't respect your partner.. and they won't be your partner.. If you have trouble respecting someone that is trying his damndest at teaching your kids to be independant, responsible, people while you complain about a commute (ah.. alone in a car.. what a wonderful thought).. well.. there's somethin' wrong if a working parent can't respect the at-home parent.

Why do women hit on stay-at-home dads?
They don't.. not more than any other profession.. much less considering they are too busy raising the kids.. because.. at the park you don't just stand there and flirt.. you watch your kid to make sure they are safe.. you catch the kids before when they fall.. you hug them.. you encourage them.. and you wish like hell your spouse could any of the jobs you do with the kids even remotely competently.

There ya go.. honest answers to your questions.. no need to look any farther.

Enjoy!

Dave

My husband stays home to take care of the house and pets while I bring in the paycheck. I have a great deal of respect for my husband, and your guest blogger seems like a bit of a dirtbag to me. But then again he isn't telling 100% of his story, just the part he finds interesting (hey, a woman hit on me!). I don't find that interesting at all.

i must be closer to The Elephant Man than i thought, because in 3.5 yrs on the job, i have not been hit on by any women because of the job. in fact, its more the opposite, i am very isolated and women on the playground in the daytime avoid contact with me. i realize that this is just anecdotal evidence and has very little towards swaying the conversation.sociologist try not to make sweeping generalizations of populations based upon a small number of people, much less basing condemnations of entire classes of people based upon the arrogance of a single smuck. perhaps you should too.

Nathan, you are right on….when I stayed home many of the full time mom's treated me like an alien and would not talk to me. Maybe I look like the elephant man and dont know it.

I am sad for this guy that he feels he is not respected, but the best advice I ever got was that you cannot command respect, you earn respect. What does he do on a daily basis to earn his wife's respect? He left that part out.

this whole post make me feel icky. I am done.

as a full-time 12 year SADH this post completely undermines the 12 years i have taken to build up the respect & confidence of my community of women friends. i've never once been hit on, neither have i hit on anyone else. this would be a deadly social situation. once the trust of mutual respect & friendship is broken you will never get it back (unless you move). i am fortunate to have these women in my life because without them i would be pretty damn lonely. fortunately i realized that i would have join the women's world early & have tried tirelessly not to jeopardize my standing. i have made mistakes but not ones deep enough not to able to recover (as with any other friendship). they treat me as one of their own which is all i can ask of them. i enjoy what i do & i have great kids. don't let one bozo who's penis is more important than his responsibilities to his family & friends sway your opinion. it wouldn't matter if he was a SAHD or not, he'd still be an ass!

You admire him, huh? Clearly, your standards for men are incredibly low. I hate to consider the kind of morals you're teaching your kids if this is the kind of person with whom you enjoy spending a year corresponding.

Nice job undermining the credibility of the rare men who can set aside their egos for the sake of their family. Those are the men you should really try to find amongst the myriad of offers you're receiving for interviews. Those are the men worth admiring and holding up as examples. I can assure you they're not difficult to find.

Good Lord people. If you haven't figured it out yet, Trunk is a Narcissist! And she knows it. The edited comments from this guy's emails are her way of reaching aout for approval. Nothing more, nothing less. So, bring on the psycophantic chorus of how great this guy (translation, "she") is. It has nothing to do with career, but it sure strokes his, umm her, ego. That's what the whole blog is about. Not a single post has a different message.

Penelope, shame on you for crossing the line. . . again.

First off… I find it pretty baseless and shallow to even suggest that stay-at-home fathers are adulterers. This is a ridiculous implication and very Fox News-esk in my opinion. Why not balance your blog with a second anonymous entry form an additional stay-at-home dad? I would be more than happy to give you my experiences both staying at home while also running a very successful business in the evenings.

Secondly, I think think the bigotry needs to end. As women are perfectly (and proven so) successful in the workplace, holding down high-level career positions, men are equally capable of performing primary childcare duties and raising quality children just the same. Blanket suggestions or statements misrepresent the facts and ironically do to men what women suffered from (and still do in some cases) in the workplace. Isn't that a bit a of a double standard?

2 thumbs down for this blog entry.

i have been a stay at home dad for eight years now and i can say my life is the complete opposite of this guy.

listen to The Story and see for yourself:

http://thestory.org/archive/the_story_273_Stay_At_Home_Dad.mp3/view

or read my blog

one thing that does ring true about this post is that i know a handful of moms who are just like this guy ;-)

Oh my god…you have got to be kidding me?! My husband (Davesnot – see comments posted) just had me sit down to read this…the stay-at-home cheating dad's story…the interviewers notes…my husbands responses…and I read a couple of other comments.

You want my story? I am a hard-ass working mom…I work my ass off every day…there is no down time (other than the 1/2 hour commute in San Diego traffic that I drive to get home…it's not down time, it's alone time, there's a difference, but I recognize that my husband doesn't get that). There is no personal time to myself…other than that drive. There are no hobbies I get to partake in, unless you include a 1/2 hour drive every day. Do I have the easier job? HELL YES. Am I grateful for my husbands committment to raising and teaching our kids? Hell yes. Do i think he flirts and would potentially cheat on me? Not in a million years. Do I thank him enough for his hard work? Not nearly enough. Is this arrangement hard as hell on our marriage? hell yes…you want an interview…we'll give you a tandum story of true life. Are we grateful for what we've got? Every day. Do we have issues we need to fix, including and most importantly communication between us and figuring out how to respark the romance in our life? Big time. Have I made that a priority to fix? No – I'm exhausted every day (4 hours sleep each night ain't much). Should I make that a priority? hell yes…I need to get my ass in gear.

I'm rattling because my thoughts are everywhere here. Feel free to contact us for a story about honesty…commitment…extremely hard times…failing romance but love that's bound…poopy butts…an extremely messy house…exhausted parents…screaming kids…etc.etc.etc.

Enjoy – Heidi (Enviromomma)

Wow, just wow! You obviously have issues with SAHDs. Pathetic really that you'd post this lopsided view.

Is the timing of this post and her last article the reason she's been so quite on her blog & a-Twitter?

I'm not sure, but she hired the house manager April 10th, according to this blog.

I think your selection choice of excerpts from a years worth of e-mails with this guy shows your prejudices and attitudes about stay-at-home dads…your focus on their value and what they are thinking more than anything else.

Care to enlighten us further about your attitude about SAHDs?

Here is a true honest account of the at-home dad world from an eighteen year veteran at-home dad.

For decades women have been demanding sexual equality in the workplace and nagging … I mean…. asking men to handle more of the care giving and household duties.

Along comes a band of men who decided to become at-home dads. Instead of being embraced and accepted by the people in their communities, these men have become the butt of jokes and been subjected to constant skepticism, criticism and analysis.

Why do so many people continue to think and believe that a man can't do as good a job as a woman as the primary caregiver?

Why do so many people still view a strange woman at day care – and not the father – as the second best choice to mom in caring for a child?

Why is it that so much time has been spent on questioning and analyzing a man’s conscious choice to be the at-home parent? A choice he made with the support of his wife.

I wonder if Penelope sees the similarities between the way women were viewed and treated by the good ole boys club of corporate America and men by the good ole girls club of Mom’s Turf.

Why can’t people spend more time focusing on the benefits of having an at-home dad in their community? I’d be happy to start a list.

I have thoroughly enjoyed being a an at-home dad for the last eighteen years to three boys. And I have no regrets. Grant is twenty and attends Pepperdine University. Wesley is eighteen and lives in a wonderful home for the disabled. Matt is fourteen and a freshman in high school.

I’ve also been faithful to my wife, Tina.

I will continue my stellar and rewarding at-home dad career until Matt graduates from high school in 2011.

Keep On Daddying Guys

Where is your business focus these days? Why are you writing? This post was just plain repellant – we spent the afternoon together, heh heh heh. And the Twitter post – why do we need to know about your desire to date while your husband is still around? What is the point of any of this?

My wife and I have talked about why men with children are appealing and it applies to this article. The fact that the guy is surprised that he has received more propositions since becoming a Stay at Home Dad really shows a lack of insight. I don't know if this has been discussed in the 153 comments (did a scan and didn't see it). Here are the reasons:
1. Married men and men with kids are more appealing because they have already been pre-approved. Some one obviously liked them and wanted to procreate with them.
2. Stat at home dads are appealing because someone obviously likes them enough to support them. I'm sure his admirers want to know what's so great about him that has resulted in him not being the principal earner.
3. He likes kids, another point.
4. He's "safe" or at least in theory safe since he's married with kids and dependent on his wife for income. In theory, he should be the least likely to cheat.

Just like someone with a job is a more appealing job candidate than someone without a job, that's why this guy has found himself appealing.

be nice

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7b2NtzjDbF4&feature=related

If you think everyone wants to be with people they like.. well.. be nice.

A very strange post, and it doesn't make me respect the man very much. My father-in-law is a stay at home Dad, although both his children are grown now, but I respect him more than I can say. He spent years making sure his kids had a good lunch at school, got to hockey practice, learned how to use the library and knew right from wrong.

And he never had an affair.

The commenter Nino (see April 30) is PT's husband, who says he is *not* the SAHD guest poster. So we can end *that* nasty speculation.

As a work-at-home dad, I find Penelope's guest post to be an offending load. This was the best example of a SAHD you could find, huh? You sound like a desperate careerist to me.

Maybe men don't complain about staying at home because many of them did it by choice, not because that's what society dictated or expected them to do. Maybe we are more adaptable, caring, talented and understanding than you give us credit for? Maybe we don't feel the need to feed our ego by "playing with the big boys" as much as you.

Get a better set of male friends. The ones you have are not good role models for kids or adults.

god "penelope" you really are a piece of work.

i watch my kids, i do laundry, i cook but i gotta work 2 b/coz my gf thnk she work so much but i still gotta pay all the bills

It is not that they don't care about the family but they feel that their partner does not give them the care that they deserve or need. It is not something to be proud of for sure, but it is human nature to be flattered by attention, particularly if one feels they are not getting it at home.
I can understand receiving attention and even the flirting. Being able to cheat with someone is just as fulfilling as doing it as far as an ego boost. The minute he knocked on that door, he cheated. Career, Business-person being synonymous with cheater is a destructive theme being visited too often lately.

Good Lord! I was a SAHD to an ADHD/BiPolar woman for 10 years here in Canada for over 10 years. The reason: to fill the negligence she had towards the kids. The result: divorce. I have nothing now, she has the kids & they are gong down the toilet fast. I stumbled on this blog & read two major threads.

Think about this… If you put your focus (you commented on your lack of focus several times) towards your SAHD & kids, where it should be… would you have ant time to blog at all?

Stupid Stupid People, The outcome IS predictable.