Comments on: Girl's guide to getting the guy at work http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/ Advice at the intersection of work and life Sat, 11 Oct 2008 22:11:22 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.2 By: Helaine Olen http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146303 Helaine Olen Fri, 25 Apr 2008 00:15:04 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146303 E -- Just be yourself. You can't prevent every last person from misinterpreting friendship to mean something more but, if anything, most people seem to have the opposite problem: They don't recognize romantic interest when they see it! E — Just be yourself. You can't prevent every last person from misinterpreting friendship to mean something more but, if anything, most people seem to have the opposite problem: They don't recognize romantic interest when they see it!

]]> By: e http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146301 e Thu, 24 Apr 2008 22:24:02 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146301 gt wrote: "Also, keep as much of it away from work as possible where it will mostly cause trouble for both parties. Women, if you want to be treated as an equal, act that way." I definitely agree with these sentiments; everyone has a responsibility to themselves to maintain an expectation of how they would like to be treated by others. There will always be gossip-hungry people looking for the least excuse to start rumors about someone else, but as long as you continue to prove that your work (and everyone else's) is not affected, then there's really no cause for concern. Personally, I think that the best way to have a "safe" interaction with a coworker of the opposite gender is to pretend that you don't know what the gender of the other person is. I've noticed that men will commonly make comments to another man that they wouldn't say if that person was a woman, like "Wow, check out that hot chick across the street". Women do the same thing, maybe with different types of comments, but the result is the same. These are the things, however innocent, that can lead to a lawsuit, and can easily be avoided at work. I'm interested to see what others might think of this idea? gt wrote: "Also, keep as much of it away from work as possible where it will mostly cause trouble for both parties. Women, if you want to be treated as an equal, act that way." I definitely agree with these sentiments; everyone has a responsibility to themselves to maintain an expectation of how they would like to be treated by others.

There will always be gossip-hungry people looking for the least excuse to start rumors about someone else, but as long as you continue to prove that your work (and everyone else's) is not affected, then there's really no cause for concern.

Personally, I think that the best way to have a "safe" interaction with a coworker of the opposite gender is to pretend that you don't know what the gender of the other person is. I've noticed that men will commonly make comments to another man that they wouldn't say if that person was a woman, like "Wow, check out that hot chick across the street". Women do the same thing, maybe with different types of comments, but the result is the same. These are the things, however innocent, that can lead to a lawsuit, and can easily be avoided at work. I'm interested to see what others might think of this idea?

]]> By: gt http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146298 gt Thu, 24 Apr 2008 21:15:27 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146298 I agree with Dave's comment. Many men would like to have a friendly conversation with female co-workers but there is a taboo for such behavior. Whispers of possible affairs and other inappropriate behaviors are all things that scare men away from women at work. After all, men are the one's always the hunters, right? There is a lot a stake for men if they "guess" wrong and are then confronted with a harrassment suit. The best relationships at work are those where both the man and woman know both are "safe" so there are no misinterpretations. Enjoying the company of someone of the opposite sex need not end in sex. Fully being able to trust the other person with no physical expectations can make for a wonderful relationship. My feelings on women playng hard to get... don't do it. Be honest and verbal. Men do get the "subtle" non-verbals. Most choose not to respond either because of lack of interest or the inappropriateness in the workplace, which includes the fear of others noticing and possibly creating a bad situation for longevity on the job. For women who want to noticed, YOU ask to meet after work or for a friendly lunch. Stop the non-verbal clues and subtle verbal messages. Also, keep as much of it away from work as possible where it will mostly cause trouble for both parties. Women, if you want to be treated as an equal, act that way. Men aren't clueless, they are just more cautious. I agree with Dave's comment. Many men would like to have a friendly conversation with female co-workers but there is a taboo for such behavior. Whispers of possible affairs and other inappropriate behaviors are all things that scare men away from women at work. After all, men are the one's always the hunters, right? There is a lot a stake for men if they "guess" wrong and are then confronted with a harrassment suit.

The best relationships at work are those where both the man and woman know both are "safe" so there are no misinterpretations. Enjoying the company of someone of the opposite sex need not end in sex. Fully being able to trust the other person with no physical expectations can make for a wonderful relationship.

My feelings on women playng hard to get… don't do it. Be honest and verbal. Men do get the "subtle" non-verbals. Most choose not to respond either because of lack of interest or the inappropriateness in the workplace, which includes the fear of others noticing and possibly creating a bad situation for longevity on the job. For women who want to noticed, YOU ask to meet after work or for a friendly lunch. Stop the non-verbal clues and subtle verbal messages. Also, keep as much of it away from work as possible where it will mostly cause trouble for both parties. Women, if you want to be treated as an equal, act that way. Men aren't clueless, they are just more cautious.

]]> By: Dave http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146282 Dave Thu, 24 Apr 2008 17:41:37 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146282 e wrote: "When a man interprets any interaction from a woman as “flirty”, no matter what her intentions are, then what’s the point of her trying to interact with him at all?" Interestingly enough, I've found that my interactions with my female coworkers changed (for the better) after I got married. I am, and have been, happily married since day one, so I am no longer "in the hunt". I've been told that this is fairly obvious and that I am considered "safe". Some flirting still goes on, but all involved know it isn't going anywhere beyond just flirting. e wrote: "When a man interprets any interaction from a woman as “flirty”, no matter what her intentions are, then what’s the point of her trying to interact with him at all?" Interestingly enough, I've found that my interactions with my female coworkers changed (for the better) after I got married. I am, and have been, happily married since day one, so I am no longer "in the hunt". I've been told that this is fairly obvious and that I am considered "safe". Some flirting still goes on, but all involved know it isn't going anywhere beyond just flirting.

]]> By: Matt Bingham http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146281 Matt Bingham Thu, 24 Apr 2008 16:52:51 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146281 So, what's wrong with a woman going up to a guy and saying, "You and I should grab a drink after work sometime". As long as a relationship outside of work does not interfere with the environment inside of work I don't see a problem being open from the start. Don't bring the office home and don't bring home to the office. Hard to do I know. So, what's wrong with a woman going up to a guy and saying, "You and I should grab a drink after work sometime". As long as a relationship outside of work does not interfere with the environment inside of work I don't see a problem being open from the start. Don't bring the office home and don't bring home to the office. Hard to do I know.

]]> By: Jrandom42 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146278 Jrandom42 Thu, 24 Apr 2008 16:46:34 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146278 E, often there's an edge to the "flirty" girl, in that it's frequently perceived that the "flirty" girl is using her charm to get the guys to do her job for her, because she can't do it herself. In a number highly technical fields, this is the basis for the lack of respect I think you are referring to. If you can show your technical skills and solve problems, the respect will come. After that, the friendliness will follow. E, often there's an edge to the "flirty" girl, in that it's frequently perceived that the "flirty" girl is using her charm to get the guys to do her job for her, because she can't do it herself. In a number highly technical fields, this is the basis for the lack of respect I think you are referring to. If you can show your technical skills and solve problems, the respect will come. After that, the friendliness will follow.

]]> By: e http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146260 e Thu, 24 Apr 2008 03:31:35 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146260 Helaine, Thanks for your response, but that's not exactly what I was asking. I meet a lot of people in my line of work, and I would like to be friendly and personable, but I don't want to be perceived as "flirting". I work in a very male-dominated field, and I have noticed that women who are perceived as being very flirty are not often not equally respected by their male coworkers. I realized that it's kind of the opposite of what you wrote about in your book, but I figured you might have some ideas or guidelines to share. Thanks again for joining the discussion! Helaine,
Thanks for your response, but that's not exactly what I was asking. I meet a lot of people in my line of work, and I would like to be friendly and personable, but I don't want to be perceived as "flirting". I work in a very male-dominated field, and I have noticed that women who are perceived as being very flirty are not often not equally respected by their male coworkers. I realized that it's kind of the opposite of what you wrote about in your book, but I figured you might have some ideas or guidelines to share.
Thanks again for joining the discussion!

]]> By: Helaine Olen http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146258 Helaine Olen Thu, 24 Apr 2008 02:47:10 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146258 e, that's a really good question. What we found when was that the vast majority of office mates had been friends for months -- if not years -- before taking the relationship to the next level. There is no fool-proof way to determine if someone is interested in you or not, but one thing that ran through many of the office dating stories we heard was that the folks had many, many opportunties to be alone -- coffees, lunches, drinks after work, you name it -- before anything happened. So we said that if you are having a problem getting your intended alone to ask them out, that might well be a sign that they are NOT interested in you. Does that help? e, that's a really good question. What we found when was that the vast majority of office mates had been friends for months — if not years — before taking the relationship to the next level. There is no fool-proof way to determine if someone is interested in you or not, but one thing that ran through many of the office dating stories we heard was that the folks had many, many opportunties to be alone — coffees, lunches, drinks after work, you name it — before anything happened. So we said that if you are having a problem getting your intended alone to ask them out, that might well be a sign that they are NOT interested in you. Does that help?

]]> By: John Feier http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146256 John Feier Thu, 24 Apr 2008 01:35:51 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146256 Thanks, Penelope. The ladies need to be more assertive for sure. I think you got an earful from me already, so I think I'll leave it at. :) John Thanks, Penelope.

The ladies need to be more assertive for sure.

I think you got an earful from me already, so I think I'll leave it at. :)

John

]]> By: e http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146254 e Thu, 24 Apr 2008 01:33:38 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2008/04/22/girls-guide-to-getting-the-guy-at-work/#comment-146254 Helaine, I missed offer for questions before I wrote my comment (above), but I would be interested in your thoughts on the matter as well. Helaine, I missed offer for questions before I wrote my comment (above), but I would be interested in your thoughts on the matter as well.

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