My first day of marriage counseling
We have been together for fifteen years and we have two kids. We have been in couples therapy enough different times for me to know that I hate being in couples therapy with him because he never changes. It’s always been more productive for me to go to therapy alone, where at least I can get things done. But now we are desperate, so I’ve capitulated.
We park the car and walk into the building of the couples’ therapist. I remember one couples therapist telling us that we are in good shape because we drove there together. Today I know that we would have driven in separate cars if we had two cars.
I delegated finding a therapist to my husband. After all, my first book just came out and I blog almost every day. I am busy. I know my penchant for delegating is part of the problem, but I thought this would be one last hurrah.
We get to the office. The sign on the door says “Divorce Law Offices” and there is a list of people with Esq’s at the end.
I say, “We’re going to a divorce lawyer? I don’t want a divorce.”
“It’s Wisconsin,” he says, “It’s not like New York City where there are skyscrapers devoted to therapist offices.”
We see a mediator.
I start talking. I tell him we are not there to get a divorce. We’re there to keep our marriage together. Is there someone else we can see?
My husband says he’s thinking he might be there to get a divorce.
I see we are a parody of a couple who cannot communicate. When I was doing research for a column about divorce law, I talked with a lot of divorce lawyers, and each one said that so many divorces could be avoided if the people would talk. One attorney told me he helps one couple a month get back together, and that’s his favorite part of his job. I tell myself, based on this, that divorce lawyers are good at keeping marriages together because they see so many marriages fall apart.
We talk about our marriage. I think things are difficult because my husband gave up working to take care of our kids and it didn’t work out.
My husband thinks things got bad because taking care of our son who has autism is extremely difficult and we take it out on each other so we don’t take it out on him.
There is truth to what my husband says. Eighty percent of parents who have a child with autism get a divorce. But I don’t want to blame my failing marriage on my cute little five-year-old. Not that I don’t want someone to blame. I do. But I think it is more complicated than that.
I explain how my career is going great. I tell the mediator I have a busy speaking schedule and a six-figure contract for my next book. I even talk about my blog, and the estimated 450,000 page views a month, even though you can trust me on this: Our divorce mediator from Middleton, Wisconsin does not read blogs.
At this point, I think my husband is going to tell the mediator about how he gave up his career for the kids and me and he is totally disappointed. But instead he says to me, “A lot of people I talk with say that I am being abused by you.”
I am shocked. It’s a big allegation. But I say, “A lot of people I talk with think I should get rid of you.”
That’s as bad as it gets, right there. Because the mediator interjects and says that if you want to try to stay together for the kids, it’s worth it. He says, “The research shows divorce is very hard on kids, and especially kids under five.” But he adds, “You won’t be able to hold things together just to parent the kids. You will need some love for each other.”
I say quickly that I have that. It is easy for me to remember how much fun I had with my husband before we had kids. It’s easy for me to remember that every time I look-but-don’t-really-look for men to have an affair with, I find myself looking at someone who is like my husband: I still love him.
My husband is not so quick to say he still loves me.
So all I can do is think while he thinks. I think about the research about how a career does not make people happy. When you are in love and someone asks you how you are, you say, “I’m so happy” even if you are unemployed. When your career is going well and your marriage isn’t when someone asks you how you are you say, “My career is going great.”
The mediator starts talking about how the next step will be a contract to follow rules of engagement. “You have to start being nice to each other,” says the mediator. Right now that seems almost impossible.
We have to wait, though. My husband is deciding if he has any love for me.
He asks the mediator, “How do I know if it’s love?”
The mediator says, “If you care about her life, for right now, that’s enough.”
Finally my husband says to me, “I’m so sorry that life is not better for you when your career is going so well. You’ve worked so hard for this.”
The mediator nods. Next meeting we will move on to the rules of engagement.
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Other posts on this topic:
- My own marriage and the myth of the stay-at-home dad
- My 9/11 day. My husband. The meaning of my to-do list.
- 5 Communication lessons learned in marriage counseling
OMG. This sentence floored me.”My husband thinks things got bad because taking care of our son who has autism is extremely difficult and we take it out on each other so we don’t take it out on him.”
I stumbled on your blog b/c I’m trolling advice/links/connections/ideas for my new job…and now i see we have more in common than i wish we did. The pop pscyhologist in me says you were way underappreciative of what your husband gave up to take on the impossible task of “curing” your child’s issues/symptoms of autism. 6 years later, I’m finally enjoying being back at work again (but parttime). my son was regressing, i’m feeling like a failure, but at least i’m earning some money again, engaging my brain in something with more payoff than criticism/yelling/unappreciation from my husband and feeling like i suck at stayathome momhood. I’m glad your career is going so well, but now i empathize w/ your husband too! I tried freelancing while kids were in school but my husband would just order me off the computer (he’s doing it at this moment)…i can see how it annoys him, justifably…but whether i’m blogging or working for pay, it is annoying to have HIM annoyed!
Hi my friend, this post you’ve basically written here undoubtedly have got everyone intrigued up to the final word, and I must say to you actually I hardly ever look at entire content of blogs as I commonly got uninterested and also weary of the particular gibberish that is definitely exposed to me every day and result in going over the pictures plus the headers and many others. Your tag-line and then the initial paragraphs was wonderful that’s why quickly gotten me hooked on it. Commending you on a work well done inside here. Thanks
i have been with my husband for 19 years. Meant when i was 18. Now that im older, i really understand the passion for living for yourself, first, to provide for your partner.Love unconditionally-can’t put a price tag on it. My husband and i have been through bankruptcy-lost everything(while raising 2 children)shown us @ material things don’t matter.1 1/2 ago he lost his job and was on unemployment for a year.I know about stress.I was the only one working,but i never made him feel less than a man.I complimented him every time i could. Conforted him because he felt like crap b/c he couldn’t find a job.Economy sucks! it is what it is.We FOUGHT more than you could imagine-end result, my best friend in the whole wide world.We worked opposite shifts so that we wouldn’t have to pay daycare. When the kids got old enough we put them in extended day (@school) and both of us got day jobs and limited working(to spend evenings with the kids or extra caricular activites)but both of us agreed.It wasn’t a question that the kids came first.its hard to come to a comprimise when the other person feels like they are always right.You have to meet 1/2 way. I mentioned a counsler once..and my husband said that he wasn’t going to pay someone to tell him whats wrong when im standing right there and if i wasn’t willing to communicate/talk it out-then there is no sense in wasting time/life together.we discussed divorce and how we would raise our kids-everything-when it came down to it, if you could picture yourself in YOUR LIFE without him-then go, but if you can’t…. then fight like hell to keep him.I firmly believe that women have an effect on men…we can make them feel crappy with just a look or a tone in your voice..we know which buttons to push…embrace him, love him, give him security and let him know that you would gladly give up everything for him-if neccessary…
I can’t agree more with CONCERNED. I’ve know my wife for 21 years, been married for 18 years and lived with her for 17 years. The first 4 yours were a long distance relationship and we raise our voices every day. What it boils down to is that we both know unconditionally that we are there for each other. Even my daughter (10 years) doesn’t even bat an eye-lid. Neither of us can imagine one without the other and we always know that even when the other is angry 1/2 an hour later we will see each other’s point of view or at least agree to disagree. It’s a matter of respect for each other and to be honest blogging about your marriage doesn’t reaaaally show much respect for each other. It’s just as well you broke up with your husband because you didn’t have the courage to support your husband who was taking care of your son as well as his. The only support I would give is that I know you have had problems in your life and I hope that some day that you will find some balance and close those chapters. Good luck anyway.
Some of these posts are just brutal.
Wow, talk about a poor way to spend your time. Is this the new curiosity of Americans? Ranting about their personal life for the public to be well aware of?
I have a suggestion. Instead of wasting your time, why don’t you work on your marriage? For every blog missed, you can gift your husband with breakfast in bed. Or, a nice conversation. Or even doing a fun activity together.
Writing a post so other women can cheer you on… a wonderful way to screw your marriage.
I would gladly “gift” my husband with breakfast in bed. One problem, he stays out all night. You are very judgemental. Speaking from experience, my situation is impossible. I feel isolated, alone and desperate. For me this was a means to connect with anyone, someone.
Last night I decorated our deck for the 4th, made some specail snacks, lit candles and wanted to spend time with him. His response was a big FU, and he left at 8pm, and still has not made it home. It is now 9am the next day.
So to you dear I say, I am happy you have a great marriage. But for those of us who have given our heart and soul to making one and get NOTHING back, it is beyond hellish.
What a beautiful post Penelope! I’m going to tweet it if you don’t mind.
I sure hope you follow up with another article that tells us how you did, if you haven’t already. It must be such a challenge to go through or have gone through marital counseling as parents of an autistic child!
I wish you and your family the very best.
Let me know if I can help in anyway with resources or advice.
Sincerely,
Duddy.
It’s impossible to save a marriage when one partner is chemically dependant. My husband is so messed up in the head as a result of YEARS spent drinking. He refuses counseling, does what he wants, when he wants irregardless of the outcome. I have said repeatedly, given two choices in a situation, he will always chose the most hurtful destructive way. And I feel hopeless. There really is nothing anyone can do by themself to safe a marriage, except wait for time to pass and the end to come.
my sympathies rita…holidays are particularly poignant time to be in a bad marriage. So plan on that and do something (anything!) for yourself and do not wait on or include him in your plan. (update your resume & apply for jobs online if you’re a stay at home mom, you must improve your situation and have hope it will improve.) if he’s chemically dependent, have compassion for him–it really is an illness– but GET AWAY so he doesn’t bring you down w/ him. you can’t help him if he doesn’t want help. focus on yourself…it’s not selfish, it’s self-care. life is tough but whatever your burdens are, you still have a choice how you handle them. he may choose the “hurtful destructive way” but you don’t have to. that should give you hope for a better life, if not a better marriage. But do not “wait for time to pass and the end to come” … get busy improving your life APART from his. take that energy you spent “making snacks & lighting candles” and think of a friend who would appreciate it and invite HER over to enjoy your company/hospitality. there are lots of lonely people in the world who you can include in your life. your husband’s choices may be rotten but yours don’t have to be. good luck.
The only thing in my life that gives me any type of happiness is my job. My family and friends are hundreds of miles from me. And the few people I have made acquaintance with here have been so disgusted by my husband, no one will associate with us. I would leave him in a heartbeat, but I have been the one that has put the most financially into this marriage and I would loose half to him. I am older and refuse to reward him for his abuse of me. As cold as this sounds, he probably will follow in his Dad’s footsteps and die at 53.
You are correct, Holiday’s are especially hard. I see families together and the loneliness is overbearing, but I know the time will pass. And then off to work I go.
Thankyou for your kind words.
rita that does sound terrible, hoping his disease will kill him…but w/ or w/out u it sounds like it will. i’d still rather be alone and poorer by half than what you describe. maybe you don’t have to get divorced just kick him out and let him stay whereever he stayed last night. change the locks. maybe it will wake him up when he can’t get to his nice warm bed…
Praise to My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
I repent. I confess. I am sorry. I forgive.
After 28 years of suspended marriage, all went out cause the Cause of Christ was not actively participated in, or one or both of the marriage partners for life through Jesus Christ, did not constantly seek daily, hourly, weekly, monthly, and/or yearly council with the “King of Kings”.
Divorce went on so fast, with just the sainted judge taking the time to pause in prayer, or a tear after signing the end of marriage.
Jesus always says he hates divorce. At least God was working through the Judge. God Bless Judge Roach
well i been married for 5 years and my husband is now deciding that he is not a relationship person and when i try to talk to him about counseling he say he is done talking and the first thing he do is talk to his friends…now it looks like we are on a verge of getting seperated and then divorced because he choose to listen to his friends instead of me and none of the friends are married he tells me he wants his freedom to go and come as he pleases and because he is married he cant do that, the main people that takes him out to stay out all night is his friends wat do i do in a situation like this i ask him if he love me he cannot even give me an answer.. his big saying is that i will be fine and i will get over him and want to thank him for wat he done someday is this marriage worth fighting for or should i just let it go and move on with life even though it will be emotionally hard for me because of so many years we have together.
my husband was cheating with my little sister 5 weeks after our wedding and it went on for year, now the truth is out and we invite is dad to come help solve the problem, instand we was talking about this i did wrong exp. that i don’t stay long when we visit him, i ask for water or drink from my husband when we come to him.
what should i do, i’m going crazy . i need hep
Hi there,
i would like to say the blog is so much emotional, it may not be a unique story but is not less than that. i hope you will cope the situation.
best of luck.
There are so many comments from people struggling with difficult marriages or that are considering couples counseling, that I thought I should offer my insights as a couples counselor. People often come into counseling with a “hidden agenda”. One partner desperately wants to hold the relationship together (usually the person who called to make the appointment) while the other person is just attending counseling so that they can say they did everything they could so as not to feel guilty when they dissolve the marriage. They try to hide it, but it is obvious to the counselor. One of the most rewarding things of being a couples counselor is when you change the mind of the partner who had given up on the relationship. They start coming to the sessions with a smile on their face and enthusiasm in their marriage. Things CAN and DO change! I believe that if the relationship was ever good, then it can be good again. Couples counseling is not about blame or taking sides. I have wrote some articles about couples counseling on my website jpcounseling.com
There are so many comments from people struggling with difficult marriages or that are considering couples counseling, that I thought I should offer my insights as a couples counselor. People often come into counseling with a “hidden agenda”. One partner desperately wants to hold the relationship together (usually the person who called to make the appointment) while the other person is just attending counseling so that they can say they did everything they could so as not to feel guilty when they dissolve the marriage. They try to hide it, but it is obvious to the counselor. One of the most rewarding things of being a couples counselor is when you change the mind of the partner who had given up on the relationship. They start coming to the sessions with a smile on their face and enthusiasm in their marriage. Things CAN and DO change! I believe that if the relationship was ever good, then it can be good again. Couples counseling is not about blame or taking sides. I have wrote some articles about couples counseling on my website jpcounseling.com
There are those who resort to divorce without seeking counseling, while there are those who undergo marriage counseling to see if they can still work things out as a couple. Unfortunately, some couples finally decide to part ways and file for divorce. Lawyers specialize in various kinds of legal practices which include personal injury, criminal defense attorney Delaware (as an example), family law, divorce as well as child custody – and we as readers should be aware of these not only as added knowledge but also to keep us informed about what goes on in marriage counseling and other related topics like that of divorce and settlement.
In light of your most recent post, it sounds like you should look into your own abusive tendencies and behaviors, rather than writing them off or ignoring them, as you appear to have done with your ex, based on what you said during your appointment with the mediator.
We tried marriage counseling with Jerri Shields, of Choice Counseling Services, LLC at: 8414 E. Shea Blvd Suite 102 Scottsdale, Arizona 85260 … and to be frank after spending lots of time and money she destroyed our marriage and caused us to divorce. My personal opinion of her is that she is a horrible person who spoke far too much about her own troubled relationships and failures. Too expensive, poor advice. Having been to others afterward now I can see exactly how bad she really was. AVOID
Marriage counseling can be hard, as proven by these two:
https://vimeo.com/54289953
As a reminder to clients and commentators, not everyone is going to agree with the actions, strategies, or methods of practice by therapists. However we need to respect our clients and their needs, and our endeavors at all times are for their best interests. At all times we welcome and encourage any comments, good or bad, directly to therapists so adjustments can be made to the treatment plan. As stated in all informed consents there is no guaranteed outcome to any issues presented in counseling, which clients might forget at times.
Jerri Shields is a great therapist; she is dedicated to her clients and believes in her clients. It is unfortunate how reviews can be made on an emotional level, reflecting personal matters of a client to cause distress and outrage for unnecessary reasons.
You are a really good writer. And an honest one it appears. Speaking from a mans point of view what he wants more than anything is respect. Women want to know they’re loved. Men want to know they’re respected. BTW been married over 30 years and had some VERY rough spots in the early years. All I can say is we quit trying to change each other and learned how to resolve conflicts. After that it went great!
love the post. Thanks for sharing everything
Great info shared for those who are looking for ray of hope to survive there relation.
Here is my perspective on your situation: It appears to me that both you and your husband are blaming your unhappiness on something outside of yourself, rather than looking at this situation as a transformational opportunity. In order to get to the love, it takes more than a contract about being civil to each other. It take releasing the unconscious childhood limiting decisions inside of you (such as not being good enough, not being worthy of respect, that other people are inadequate…). The way you are treating each other are emotional defense systems set up to compensate and avoid these limiting decisions. Relationships mandate growth if they are to survive, and so does being happy in life.
Wow, what a plate full you have there. It sounds to me like there isn’t a good or bad side yet. Men can be indecisive and somewhat scared to admit things to themselves or others but at the same time if they know what they want they will fight for it. I wish you the best of luck, your article was an amazing read.
Really,what problems we had ,and I have also been to a marriage counselor,let me tell you we are not so old couple,but it is common to have issues between husband and wife.So you need not to worry,I think these counselors might turn out helpful for your marriage.Wish you a good luck .