My first day of marriage counseling
We have been together for fifteen years and we have two kids. We have been in couples therapy enough different times for me to know that I hate being in couples therapy with him because he never changes. It’s always been more productive for me to go to therapy alone, where at least I can get things done. But now we are desperate, so I’ve capitulated.
We park the car and walk into the building of the couples’ therapist. I remember one couples therapist telling us that we are in good shape because we drove there together. Today I know that we would have driven in separate cars if we had two cars.
I delegated finding a therapist to my husband. After all, my first book just came out and I blog almost every day. I am busy. I know my penchant for delegating is part of the problem, but I thought this would be one last hurrah.
We get to the office. The sign on the door says “Divorce Law Offices” and there is a list of people with Esq’s at the end.
I say, “We’re going to a divorce lawyer? I don’t want a divorce.”
“It’s Wisconsin,” he says, “It’s not like New York City where there are skyscrapers devoted to therapist offices.”
We see a mediator.
I start talking. I tell him we are not there to get a divorce. We’re there to keep our marriage together. Is there someone else we can see?
My husband says he’s thinking he might be there to get a divorce.
I see we are a parody of a couple who cannot communicate. When I was doing research for a column about divorce law, I talked with a lot of divorce lawyers, and each one said that so many divorces could be avoided if the people would talk. One attorney told me he helps one couple a month get back together, and that’s his favorite part of his job. I tell myself, based on this, that divorce lawyers are good at keeping marriages together because they see so many marriages fall apart.
We talk about our marriage. I think things are difficult because my husband gave up working to take care of our kids and it didn’t work out.
My husband thinks things got bad because taking care of our son who has autism is extremely difficult and we take it out on each other so we don’t take it out on him.
There is truth to what my husband says. Eighty percent of parents who have a child with autism get a divorce. But I don’t want to blame my failing marriage on my cute little five-year-old. Not that I don’t want someone to blame. I do. But I think it is more complicated than that.
I explain how my career is going great. I tell the mediator I have a busy speaking schedule and a six-figure contract for my next book. I even talk about my blog, and the estimated 450,000 page views a month, even though you can trust me on this: Our divorce mediator from Middleton, Wisconsin does not read blogs.
At this point, I think my husband is going to tell the mediator about how he gave up his career for the kids and me and he is totally disappointed. But instead he says to me, “A lot of people I talk with say that I am being abused by you.”
I am shocked. It’s a big allegation. But I say, “A lot of people I talk with think I should get rid of you.”
That’s as bad as it gets, right there. Because the mediator interjects and says that if you want to try to stay together for the kids, it’s worth it. He says, “The research shows divorce is very hard on kids, and especially kids under five.” But he adds, “You won’t be able to hold things together just to parent the kids. You will need some love for each other.”
I say quickly that I have that. It is easy for me to remember how much fun I had with my husband before we had kids. It’s easy for me to remember that every time I look-but-don’t-really-look for men to have an affair with, I find myself looking at someone who is like my husband: I still love him.
My husband is not so quick to say he still loves me.
So all I can do is think while he thinks. I think about the research about how a career does not make people happy. When you are in love and someone asks you how you are, you say, “I’m so happy” even if you are unemployed. When your career is going well and your marriage isn’t when someone asks you how you are you say, “My career is going great.”
The mediator starts talking about how the next step will be a contract to follow rules of engagement. “You have to start being nice to each other,” says the mediator. Right now that seems almost impossible.
We have to wait, though. My husband is deciding if he has any love for me.
He asks the mediator, “How do I know if it’s love?”
The mediator says, “If you care about her life, for right now, that’s enough.”
Finally my husband says to me, “I’m so sorry that life is not better for you when your career is going so well. You’ve worked so hard for this.”
The mediator nods. Next meeting we will move on to the rules of engagement.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Other posts on this topic:
- My own marriage and the myth of the stay-at-home dad
- My 9/11 day. My husband. The meaning of my to-do list.
- 5 Communication lessons learned in marriage counseling
Thank you for sharing about your marriage. I read your post below and thought you might enjoy re-reading it – there is a lot of love there.
A Valentine for my husband
In honor of Valentine's Day, this is a love letter to my husband. But apparently, he is too busy to read my column, so he won't see the letter.
The last time I complained about his disinterest, he said, "Okay, fine, read me your columns."
So I read a column out loud to him. And in the middle of it, he fall asleep.
To test him, I said, "So, what do you think?"
He jerked his head up, like a college kid in an 8 am class, and he said, "Uh. It got slow after the first couple of paragraphs."
Fortunately, my affection for my husband isn't based on his listening skills. I love him for other reasons, including his fearlessness when it comes to changing careers. He isn't afraid to reinvent himself professionally so that he always does something he finds interesting. His excitement about his work makes our life together more fun.
My husband's first job was as a composer. When he was ten. For most kids this wouldn't be a job, but his parents couldn't afford a private school in Los Angeles, so my husband got a scholarship to a top-tier school for his musical talents.
In college, he decided that to be a great composer you need to have something very new to say, and he did not have something that new to say about music. So he quit music.
He went to film school and earned spending money by editing soft-core porn: "The Magic Blanket Bikini." (He says it was very, very, soft because the star announced midway through filming that she wouldn't take her clothes off.) He made video art for his master's thesis, and his work became so well known that it is part of the curricula at UCLA's film school.
But he grew tired of the film industry after one too many Magic Blankets. So when he graduated, he took a job designing video games. He learned to say Ka-pow! and Ouch! in four languages, and he got to wheel and deal with big budgets from major gaming companies.
I married a game designer with a penchant for piano and a portfolio of films that featured ex-girlfriends being constrained. ("The director," he explained, "always dates the actress.")
On September 11, my husband found himself looking over me, dust-covered and shaken in a hospital bed. Suddenly, he wanted to save the world. He became an unpaid volunteer for nonprofits until one hired him. Now he helps prisoners establish safe, fulfilling lives when their sentence is up. His job would stretch my patience (admittedly, thin) to its limits.
My husband drives his parents nuts: "We drove to all those music lessons and then you go to film school! – We paid for five years of film school and you make video games!" He drives my parents nuts, too: "What is his job? Video is not a job! – Volunteering is not a job!" But my husband's approach to work makes me excited; Members of my family picked a career and stuck with it forever, even when they stopped being fun.
Our careers are not who we are. But what we choose to do with our days reflects our values. I picked a partner who tolerate being bored or uninspired, and his standards for life encourage me to raise my own. His career choices also reveal a bigger heart than I saw when I married him – except when it comes to reading my columns
This post has me conflicted. (I’m a woman, with a man’s name, for gender reference.)
It was interesting and enlightening to see what you’d posted about your counseling. Having gone through one divorce after counseling, and now married again (all by the tender age of 30), it was eye-opening to read your post – as examples of what I should not do.
So, from someone who has seen her own marriage go awry, I’ll point out a few things I have learned. Please note that I can only go from what you’ve written – I have no sense of his feelings, etc. I’m also not an advocate of one person over another.
1) Try never to take each other for granted. Try to treat the person you are married to as if they are a slightly new person all the time. Sure you’ve had experiences with them, but they are allowed to change. And that means he is allowed to feel differently about you posting about the marriage counseling meeting than about everything else you’ve ever posted about.
2) Defensive behavior gets you nowhere. It seems you are feeling very defensive about the experience. When he stated that people have said you are abusing him, you seemed to need to come back and attack. However, it might have been hard for him to be open about the abuse…and your defensiveness and need to “tit for tat” him are not conducive to rebuilding. This is a HARD thing for partners to navigate, so take it slowly.
3) Encourage honesty. His being open about how he feels is one step…but it seems that it is just happening now. Encourage many more questions. Encourage him to feel however he wants and to express it to you. It obviously sidelined you that he was possibly looking for a divorce. This is where things are breaking down – he obviously doesn’t feel he can tell you things or how he’s feeling – not for real. Perhaps he also feels differently about your posts too. It is good to take some time together and revisit the decisions made about how the marriage works and touch base about how both of you feel. Some revelations will surely come up here.
4) It takes two. Success or Failure, it takes two in everything. Each of you is contributing to the pain, and each of you contributes to the success. You state that he never changes, but do you change? Failure to communicate takes two parties. Difficulty in interaction takes two. When coming forth with an issue or something that has upset you, realize that you had a part in it, and try to always think and include your part.
Those are just the few things I use to navigate my relationship – which, sans the children, is very like your own in form. However, I grew up with a severely handicapped sister, and my parents split up as well..so I know the difficulty that presents.
Good luck!
Looks like this guy had something to say about your article: http://nervullblog.blogspot.com
It is the “Demise of an idealist” post
Thank you for writing from the heart. You need to be with people who will support you.
I think the members of the choir here assembled judging you for being who you are really don’t want to be in this blog anyway. (to that side of the room: are you people lost? this is a career blog. If you don’t believe women should be successful and have a career, you have a right to your opinion but there are lots of other webpages for you to read. Go churn some butter or whatever it is you people do for fun…)
You’re an inspiration and again thanks for the work you do. Best wishes.
Today being 9/11 and appropriately raining through very grey skies here in NY, I feel like an emotional sea of sentiments. I accidentally fell into your blog on 9/11 and I guess it was fate because it brought me to reading more on your challenges… Marriage/Career. I applaud you with sincerety. I cannot describe how alone I have felt these past several months in silence of what I am really going through in my marriage. It is indeed a dark and very lonely place because is simply not a topic woman and men feel can be shared with one another… At least not completely open … Let alone discuss with friends or family. And people just don’t ask, “Hi. How are you? And well, how is your marriage these days?”… At times, I wish someone (who is genuine of course) would ask me. At least if I’m asked, I have an opportunity to respond. I wish there were more Penelope’s out there; the world lacks such realism and sincerety.
I am a mother of two precious and energetic boys; an almost 14 yr old and an almost 5 yr old. I married the first man I truly and sincerely fell head over hears over… I mean, this was true love to me, the kind of love that is described in some of the greatest shakespeares, novels or one’s dreams. The kind of love that you feel you cannot live without. This at the age of nearly 18 and married before my 20th birthday and gave birth to my son before my 21st birthday …. All while I was self employed at even such a young age.
I can try to summarize my story book …. The first 5 yrs of our marriage, my husband left me approximately 5 times. First time nearly 5 months after having exchanged vows and while pregnant… He was having an affair. I found out because the silly man kept some kind of journal about her in his work bag and of course I found it. I was suicidal for months. And again years later. Oh, he came back to me and my pregnant belly after having seperated immediately for abt 3 months… But left again the following summer. And each summer after that for a few years. It took me a while to realize that what he was doing is leaving me during beach season. But to summarize this a bit (sorry, im really trying)… We married way too young! And being in love blinds us to a certain degree. It’s the truth! It blinds us to everything and anything outside of that passionate love we feel! I didn’t look at the things that would later affect our marriage. So after a number of his back and forth and disrupting our first born’s life each time… I forgave him. We’ve been married now nearly 15 years. And I am 34 years old. I don’t think that I truly forgave him for everything I blamed him for that took place in the first 10 yrs of our marriage until perhaps nearly 5 years ago. After the birth of our 2nd son. What I wanted to share is that throughout the past 17 yrs of my life with him, I have been truly in and out of love with him. I mean, as I already mentioned, I feel I’m an expert at knowing what is… So I know the feelings! But this year, he lost his job in January and didn’t find a job until some time in June (which I helped find through an acquaintance!) … This “job” was supposed to be temporary since it offers no benefits, etc! It is now September and honestly, I have never seen him open a newspaper to look at job listings! I feel myself beginning to rant and I don’t want to get off the point of this…
… Penelope, my life feels like it is half full. I really enjoy my job, (I sold my small business 7 yrs into my marriage and now work for a firm in nyc),I adore my children more than anything, my boys are healthy and happy boys, my mother and my father are alive and well, but my marriage feels empty. It’s not just the fact that he is not working in a “somewhat permanent position”… It’s his lack of ambition to want more for us as a family (we rent a house, don’t own a car, don’t travel much) and even so much more.
I’m feeling so tired these days because the silence has been getting to me. No one knows (well, now I guess readers may know) and no matter how many times he and I talk “about things”, after 3 days it is all the same crap!
I’m interested in knowing how you and your husband are these days. You last wrote about this in July. Has therapy helped?
I think I am going to search for a mediator. If it is love that is the basis and necessity in order to save a marriage… I have that for him. And I know he does for me as well.
It was fate turning on my pc today and landing in your blogs. May you have a peaceful day today and may you and your family continue to be blessed with the love that resides in your circle.
Warmest regards,
Gen
If you haven’t accessed Robert F Kennedy’s research on autism, I highly recommend it – see articles on his site at http://www.robertfkennedyjr.com/articles.html, one at the Boston Globe at http://www.boston.com/news/globe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2005/07/01/autism_mercury_and_politics/ and also the organization http://www.generationrescue.org/ and treatment profiles on Mothering Mag at http://www.generationrescue.org/mothering.html
Finally, I highly recommend your husband go back to work, since we all get critical validation from our careers.
Wow, Penelope. Now this is some personal stuff. I thank you for putting it out there.
Let me tell you what I think. Take it or leave it.
Your career is more important to you than your husband or your child. If your child didn’t have Autism it would be hard enough to balance your career with the child, but an Autistic child requires more than one parent.
Just because you and your husband decided that he would be the one to stay home, doesn’t mean that you get to run off and have this wonderful work life. Sorry, but maybe you must forgo your speaking engagements and not post on the blog quite as often. If you want to work things out with you husband, you’ll either have to institutionalize the child, a choice which doesn’t have to be as evil as it sounds, or cut way back on your slightly self serving public career.
I’m sure that Mr. Trunk isn’t completely innocent in all this, but imagine if the roles were reversed tomorrow and you were no longer Penelope Trunk, but your real self, alone in a home with an Autisic child. Now, imagine that was your only reality for next week, next month, next year…
It might be tough to worry about a marriage.
Hello, a little late, but still …
Just a comment from the Swiss cottage game industry (there is no other). After working in Germany as a programmer in computer games, I founded my one-woman company this year (you can read about my experiences in my not-this-big-yet blog at http://gluggergames.kahlina.com/blog/). With the possibility of networked teams and affordable game engines it has never been so easy to produce a game. And because casual and serious games are on the raise, there are a lot of possibilities. Games for autistic children for example. Just a thought. And no I have no child, much less an autistic one. But I really think this is scalable. From doing it solo (like I do), to finding a team and just doing a part.
Dragica Kahlina
I definitely wish the husband and you the best. I do, however, strongly feel that making your marriage problems a public affair will definitely hurt any chance you have at reconciliation. I’m sure your husband feels he takes the backseat to your ventures, and putting this blog on the net for everyone and their brother to read reaffirms that. I never wish anyone ill tidings, so I strongly suggest you keep things of this nature out of the public eye and reserved only for your family. Otherwise, you are only proving that you are the important one and give him no reason to want to make it work out.
I navigated to this thread through a series of your older blogs and I hope this isn’t addressing too stale of a topic. However, the question I’ll pose is this: Do you behave differently towards your husband and your relationship having discussed it openly on your blogs, than you would have if you had not? If the answer is no, then I would ask “Are you sure?”. Sometimes the things that we need to say to our spouse so that it can get resolved with our spouse get said to other people instead, and then those topics never get dealt with directly. It’s not about what he wants or doesn’t want, it’s about what’s said and not said to each other. Writing it to all of us is not the same as saying it to him.
Another way to say this is – what’s good for your blog may not be good for your relationship, regardless of how you may feel about it. I think the earlier posts about it being ok for us to hear about it afterwards but not during the act, reflect this thinking. Does saying it on the blog impact the outcome? In science, great care is taken to make sure the act of measuring something does not effect the outcome of what’s being measured. I think the same thing can be asked here.
I’ve been married for 23 years. I’ve found that sometimes I’ve needed to talk to other people about issues in my relationship, but mostly I just need to talk to the other person in the relationship about the issue.
Thanks for this post. I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for myself too because my marriage of six years is about as satisfying as quadruple bypass surgery (where the patient dies on the table). Staying together just for the kids is one of the saddest necessary evils in the world (at least that I’ve experienced so far).
You don’t really need or want that lifestyle, it might hurt y’all slowly more…….Just tell him you
don’t wanna repeat something your not too proud of z7uas.
wow man, good luck. If this fails and you still need help theres a guide on this blog thats suppose to be really good even if counseling fails. You can check it out here:
http://www.helpsavemarriagenow.blogspot.com
Godd luck.
Penelope, if you stay together because of the children, either one of you or both of you can feel like victims–jailed and tortured, or you can take charge of your personal life and your happiness and make your relationship better than ever.
A mediator is not the person to talk with if you want to put your relationship back together. In fact, and unfortunately, even psychologists, counselors and social workers are too often ready to surrender. We live in a disposable society: if it needs fixing, replace it.
Find yourself a professional who spends most of his or her time saving marriages. You want someone who is committed to family and marriage.
I wish you success on your journey.
Warm regards,
Frank Gunzburg
I recommend The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. It saved my marriage and my neighbors also. My niece read it and her husband is so happy. It will take an open mind to get through the first chapter, but I guarantee if you try what it recommends even for a week you’ll see a huge difference. Don’t let your marriage go without a fight, in the end it’s even more important than your child (sounds crazy I know). And your child will benefit when you save your marriage also.
Dear Penelope and others: If your marriage is in real trouble, “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” might not be enough. I don’t know how to say this without referring to myself, but you might want to go to http://www.marriage-counselor-doctor.com and look over the material related to my books, “Saving Your Marriage” and “How to Survive an Affair”.
I mention this because it has been so heartwarming to read and hear the wonderful feedback from couples who have used my programs.
All my best wishes to all of you for turning your relationships around and creating wonderful marriages.
Somehow I lost being connected to you but have happily returned…how else would I know what 20 somethings think ?I didn’t have the patience to read all bout your marriage but I guess it is still going on. Think you both should “table it ” for a time to grow up a little. You think you have problems now….just realistically imagine the next ten years fighting, divorced or separated. BUT, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ARE YOUR CHILDREN
Your post is really brave. I enjoyed reading your article: Do you think you're a strategist? You're probably wrong. I believe effective marriage counselling should attempt to turn all parties involved into temporary visionaries / strategists. In my view the construct strategist is not only a fixed fact for the INTJ types. Even Jung tried to develop his other (shadowy) ego functions. In your own words "Strategists usually favor thinking about the future instead of the present; strategists I admire are bored by what is and focus on what could be". ï Best wishes on visualizing / strategizing a future that will be the best for everyone involved.
Regards.
A counsellor
Penelope,
Best of luck to you with your marriage counseling. I hope you guys are still going and have found a way to rekindle the love. It’s not an easy process. I hope you’ll explore individual therapy as well, as I have found it to be very valuable in my own life.
Sincerely,
Chris H.
I’m about to start marriage counseling. I have no idea what it’ll be about (besides us, of course) so I googled the topic and clicked this link as my first. Thankfully. Your post and the comments reaffirm my gut feeling that this new difficult phase of our marriage is simply part of our path. Troubles come, annoyances occur, life continues to dominate with constant struggles–and in the end, we (as with you and your husband) can count on the fact that we will make this work because there is no other desireable option. We will forever learn to continue together. Thanks for setting the Good Example by being honest and real.
As I sit here, on a Sunday morning and Google “when your husband adds nothing to the marriage” (because my own marriage is a mess), I ran into this. I searched for the follow up, and am sorry to read that you and your husband were unable to save your marriage. I found it interesting that so many people felt your marriage topic should have been moved “off line”. I, for one, am glad to see it “on line”. Marriage is a ton of work!! I think every marriage is a ton of work not just mine. What I feel is lacking in mine is the TWO people working together. I feel like my husband needs a buddy and a mother, but not a love interest, wife or a partner in life…. and have said so each time we’ve seen a different marriage therapist (to date 3).
This probably won’t be a popular piece either, but I feel in todays society marriage between 2 people who both contribute equal incomes and have equal job titles requires equal personal stregnth should bring their best as often as humanly possible home. When the woman shares the outside of the home pressures she shouldn’t have to shoulder the majority of the inside home pressures also. For me, it’s become a matter of “what are you adding here?” when I think about my husband. As I said it’s Sunday morning (afternoon really, but I’m still in my jammies)and I’ve done 2 loads of laundry, made the kids homemade waffles, fit in 2 graph charts showing recent growth at work and cleaned up the kitchen all while he has gotten up, watched a movie, ate from a box of cereal, then disappeared back to bed for the last 2 hours. Hummmmm, how about a smile? assistance with breakfast? helping me with one of the charts (as I asked)? a hello to our son? or even a “I’m still tired, I’m going back to bed” comment? Nope, nada, I’m wondering how many hours of sleep does he need this weekend? He’s working on 12 so far. To think, I’m still not wanting jumping for joy at the thought of divorce.
Anyway, after my venting, I’ll get back to my comment. Keep being real, there are other real people out here that find comfort in knowing, we are not alone! (and I’ve heard him say that I emotionally abuse him and I should get rid of him…..)
My best. I’ve saved your blog to read for a later time. The house has to be cleaned sometime (and by me!).
Penelope:
I thought I was effed up. My wife is awesome, but being a stay at home dad blows. Toss in an autistic son and a wife who is more in love with herself and her career than her husband or kid, and I’d be in a home.
Has he considered anti-depressants? Otherwise, he should be gone,baby gone.
Interesting story. Marriage counseling can be tough, and you really bared all here.
There are some good websites for marriage counseling without going to see someone.
Wow, over the top blog post
Penelope,
I am so sorry for what you are going through but it still sounds like there is hope for you guys. So many people in similar situations have saved their marriages using the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp Program. I hope you’ll Save your marriage give it a try!
Good luck with everything.
Yes I agree, there is hope. Even if things seem difficult try and remember the good times the two of you have had. I am sure that more good times are on their way. Talking about things might seem tough some times especially with what you guys are going through but there is hope.
Good luck
You know what’s crazy? This is almost exactly what I have been dealing with for the past several months. Except, I’m the Dad and loving husband and Mom came to the conclusion one day that she didn’t love me anymore after 8 years of marriage and 2 kids (1 autistic). She had met someone else that filled all her needs and never told me about him until it was way too late. We are finally starting marriage counseling, mostly because she finally saw this guy is not worthy of her. I’ve been trying to get her to go for about 5 months now. Just when I practically give up on the marriage she decides she wants to go to counseling.
She tells me she’s numb to everything and to love with me, but she still says she loves me and still cuddles, etc. It’s very confusing to me and has been for a long time. I am and have been seeing a counselor of my own for the past 3 months which has helped me, but now since she wants to go to marriage counseling, I am a bit off again.
Communication was our breakdown, that along with trying to do too much at one time. (Kids, family, careers)
I would love to know how things are going for you…
Penelope, I just want to thank you for being so open and vulnerable in your post. I know that many people will be able to learn from what you are going through. Many blessings.
Stay with him.
Figure it out.
The best thing…sometimes…is to blame yourself.
Not in an uplifting way where you say you know you did wrong but he did too, but in a completely humbling way. Even if you’re not wrong.
Try to make him happy again.
This is the saddest thing that could happen in your child s life right now. ((besides a death of course))
And it’s always a terrible thing to happen between two people, when it can be worked out. Most things can. I’ve read you’re more recent posts as well…
My belief stays consistent.
I feel bad for you husband.
I feel bad for you.
I am wasting so much of my energy worrying and fretting over what is going to happen to my marriage. I have a 4 year old and I DON’T want him to experience divorcing parents. I have a 12 year old step-daughter who already does. Her mother left my husband when she was 1 year old. I am sick and when I asked my husband if he thought counseling would help us, he replied, “I doubt it”. I pray for insight and miracles. We both really can’t stand each other at this point. We really don’t speak and he only comes home for our son. I’m living in some form of hell.
penelope.. PLEASE DON’T STOP WRITING ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE!!! My sister is going through a seperation and I only just discovered your blog and sent it to her today. I think you are amazing and totally hilarious and could put a smile on my sisters face. so please .. don’t stop!
I like you… and I like your husband. Bravo!
marriage, such a vague idea to begin with
great article , really loved it.
cool article , really loved it
ya that helped me a lot
I discovered you a few months ago and I can’t rip my eyes away, even when I disagree. This one I sought out tonight, this morning actually, at 5.53 AM as I’m pulling myself together to face a day of building my business, be “present” for my sons, look for a job for “right now” money while I build my business, put up with their teen attitude, having just seen their grandfather, my ex’s dad, show up for his once yearly visit pretending everything is okay even though his grandchildren have zero relationship with his son, their dad, and I’m facing foreclosure, short sale, bankruptcy or whatever direction I choose because his son, is completely disconnected from his children and doesn’t care. The legal system is a joke. I’m done. I’m into survival mode. He’d look at it as a victory if I fell apart.
Even so, there I was with the boys making nice for their sake. I even spend holidays taking my boys to see their dad’s side of the family because it seems like the right thing to do. I’m changing my mind about that right at about the 5 year mark of being divorced from him, facing all that I do.
You have a lot of ambition. You were definitely the alpha male in your relationship, yet, yet, you are the one who thinks about their violin lessons and everything else.
What the heck? Why do we buy into this? Why? Because we’d kill for our children and even the best of men, who would knock down walls for their own, can’t emulate what comes naturally to a woman who is a mom.
Cindy
Some sort of marriage counseling is needed in all marriages… You just need to figure out which works best for you… Marriage counseling is always a click away..
Going through marriage counseling is never easy. The bottom line here is the ego of both spouses. Either one has to master the art of giving way when the situation call for it. Who says that marriage is an easy thing?
This is really a superb article, thanks
Wow, over the top blog post
you know its a good thing you redesigned/re-categorized your blog , otherwise i wouldn’t have stumbled on this blog entry. I wonder what you think about this entry of yours now , especially the comments from all those guys concerned about your then husband’s privacy. i think i like your comment better than your post – that life is lonely, and though I’m single , i can see all around me that marriage is lonely too.
Wow! You are a good writer. That was beautiful. I’ve been there. I know what you are saying. I dont know how this turned out for you yet as I see this is an older article.. but one thing for sure.. You are lucky… at least he turned up!
Though I desperately loved my spouse and tried my best to organize counseling, I could never get him to one solitary session. My spouse just left me one day… and that was it! It has literally taken me years to get over (if I am yet??) the terrible shock, humiliation, disappointment, anger, rejection, betrayal.. God I could go on all day.. that I have felt.
Thanks for your nice writing! ;)
It’s a shame that you have decided to degrade you and your family by this misguided blog. Maybe you think of it as some kind of therapy but you are just being a silly little girl. I can see that both you and your husband are very pessimistic and should just think about your priorities. It’s not your children’s fault and I expect that neither of you are seeing the other one’s view. You two could just …. grow up and maybe things wouldn’t be so back. Ps. maybe you and your husband need one day of the week free to do anything you want.
How sad.
I came across your blog because I’m looking for a marriage counselor for me and my wife of almost 10 years (we’ve never been, and to be honest I’m not sure what we’re supposed to do with our 4 and 7 year old kids during the sessions, baby sitter? How weird…). I found out recently that she’s had an affair, and communication has been difficult recently. Something you wrote, however, made me feel better somewhat and I wanted to thank you: “It’s easy for me to remember that every time I look-but-don’t-really-look for men to have an affair with, I find myself looking at someone who is like my husband: I still love him.” She often described that man (before I found out what was going on) as very similar to me, so that little sentence suddenly made me feel better. Thank you.
As I am not married or have not faced this kind of situation so can’t comment on this, but I’ll keep visiting this blog for further guidance….he..he
“Finally my husband says to me, ‘I’m so sorry that life is not better for you when your career is going so well. You’ve worked so hard for this.'”
When I read those words, I started to cry a little. Although I know this occurred a while ago, I just happened upon your blog through a BNet article that came into my inbox yesterday.
I wasn’t too appreciative of your level of angst about Christmas, even though I’m not a Christian myself. However, your post gave me a great perspective on what goes on for people who don’t celebrate it. Maybe we should take a broader view of national holidays in this country, I dunno.
I spent a good portion of yesterday afternoon and all evening, going well into the wee hours, digging into your posts. I find you a very interesting writer and appreciate the way you are able to lay yourself bare through painful moments, even if it may make you vulnerable.
My blog started out that way, but I lost direction at one point and am in the process of refocusing myself.
I would wish you peace and stability (which is what I’ve always searched for–or thought I was supposed to be searching for, now having read your thoughts about that I’m starting to wonder if it’s not a worthy goal!), but I’ve read enough about you now to know that this would be extremely boring for you!
Instead I will wish for you to live “in interesting times”.
I look forward to much more interesting reading. :-)
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