Comments on: Your family would be better off with a housewife (so would mine) http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/ Advice at the intersection of work and life Sat, 21 Nov 2009 07:14:08 -0600 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc hourly 1 By: Sophia http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-214155 Sophia Mon, 16 Nov 2009 04:10:54 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-214155 I'm just torn. I am a strong willed, educated, independent, self sufficient woman...and a stay at home Mom. I chose to do this because I my children became my career, and I strongly felt it was the right thing to do for my family. I still do. It isn't fair that women, in general, still hold the majority of the better nurturing, parenting and multitasking skills, and still hold themselves to certain expectations where their baby cubs are concerned. Unfortunately, in marriages not in a single parent household, many times the woman is not the better choice of the two parents but she is either "expected" to be the primary caretaker (because of stereotyping), or she just "is" the primary caretaker because her husband makes better money (better paying job or just makes more money cuz he's a male). But on to my point: although I think it is great that the workforce began embracing women (albeit slowly) and that women were given the "go ahead" to get educated, get tough, and show the corporate world her stuff....society's families and family values are crumbling. Our families are now taking on the sad shape that our politics have been. Does the woman's adult skills and identity suffer just a tad bit (okay, a whole lot more than that) for a long while while devoting most (if not all) of her time, efforts, and everything else she can give to her children? YES!!! I'm living proof! But if ONE of the parents (mom or dad) doesn't stay home full time for a good time of it to raise the kids, the kids suffer a whole heckuva lot more than the parent's identity. Someone has to stay home if it is possible!!!! It sounds cold, but I stayed home not because I thought I'd ever win Mother of the Year, or because I had a gut feeling I'd be Mother Goose, and despite the fact that I am driven, self absorbed, and lacking in patience, but because this was a career change for me. I'd had these kids and I was going to experience them for myself as much as I could...just like I experienced all else I'd done (good and bad) before I had them. And, when they were older and I re-entered the workforce, gosh darn it all I'd just have to work twice as hard to reassemble myself, relearn, and hit the ground running! More work for me, better for my kids! And really, our greatest accomplishment is the type of citizens and parents we raise and guide our kids to be someday...we'll never really be able to chart our success until they have kids of their own, but no one said good parenting would be easy! In fact, it's the hardest damn there thing is, with the peaks and valleys of a solid, lasting, marriage being a close second. I am a Mom of two, pre-teen daughters. By now, I can't stand myself! I'm a broken record, I'm always the bad guy, and no one listens to me! I'm not sure I listen to me anymore! But I'm hanging in there for the good fight - it's my job like it or not. I believe in what I'm doing. I resent that whenever I talk about the pride I have for being a stay-at-home-Mom, working Moms around me immediately think I'm judging them and jump down my throat. I'm NOT Mother Goose! I've struggled with my self (old and new) ever since I had children, and question everything I was and am becoming. It's hard! Maybe harder on me than it is for others, maybe not as hard for me as it is for others. I do not judge but I do not like being judged. I repeat: I'm torn. I am pro-life but do not ever want to see a woman's right to choice to ever be taken from her, and I feel ALL men should abstain from this decision for obvious reasons. I think a parent should stay at home full time to raise the kids, but I do not ever want society to take the easy road and start forcing women out of careers and back into the kitchen. Personally, I strongly believe those women who "burned bras" years ago to earn rights that never should have been withheld from women in the first place left women in the lurch trying to unnaturally do it all. The kids are suffering because of this. Women are the ones that must figure it out because men are not women and can not be expected to understand us. Many, many men are just trying to figure out how to give us what we want so we'll be happy, realize our full potential, take good care of their children, and love them like we once did before kids. I do know, from experience, that what is expected from women in the home is discrimination in public places or the workforce. All these "minorities" screaming prejudice and special handling...hello...I'm discriminated in one form or another on a daily basis just because I'm a woman! I deal and I don't expect to be given a thing - I'm willing to work for the respect I know deserve - because I am a human being and because of my hard work! I don't pretend to be a legislator, but I would like to see more women get educated, kick ass in the workforce, find love, experience motherhood, and stay at home while fighting from women's rights and never stop being vocal to show local government, state government, national government and the school system that WE CARE and WE'RE getting mad!!! Women aren't cupcakes - we're people with brains and as we get older we get better and more unafraid to speak our minds! I guess I just spoke my mind, huh? Well, I guess it's because I've been a stay-at-home-Mom for over 10 years and I can no longer even think about living with a one income household any longer, and I have to figure out who I am and how I am going to learn to live in a workforce that has gone on without me. My priorities have changed and I don't know how to share those priorities with a future boss' business interests. I admit to be quite frustrated. Just passionate, two cents in a world I feel is making decisions for me without knowing my potential, my passion, or my purpose. Thanks for listening, folks! I'm just torn. I am a strong willed, educated, independent, self sufficient woman…and a stay at home Mom. I chose to do this because I my children became my career, and I strongly felt it was the right thing to do for my family. I still do. It isn't fair that women, in general, still hold the majority of the better nurturing, parenting and multitasking skills, and still hold themselves to certain expectations where their baby cubs are concerned. Unfortunately, in marriages not in a single parent household, many times the woman is not the better choice of the two parents but she is either "expected" to be the primary caretaker (because of stereotyping), or she just "is" the primary caretaker because her husband makes better money (better paying job or just makes more money cuz he's a male).

But on to my point: although I think it is great that the workforce began embracing women (albeit slowly) and that women were given the "go ahead" to get educated, get tough, and show the corporate world her stuff….society's families and family values are crumbling. Our families are now taking on the sad shape that our politics have been. Does the woman's adult skills and identity suffer just a tad bit (okay, a whole lot more than that) for a long while while devoting most (if not all) of her time, efforts, and everything else she can give to her children? YES!!! I'm living proof! But if ONE of the parents (mom or dad) doesn't stay home full time for a good time of it to raise the kids, the kids suffer a whole heckuva lot more than the parent's identity. Someone has to stay home if it is possible!!!!

It sounds cold, but I stayed home not because I thought I'd ever win Mother of the Year, or because I had a gut feeling I'd be Mother Goose, and despite the fact that I am driven, self absorbed, and lacking in patience, but because this was a career change for me. I'd had these kids and I was going to experience them for myself as much as I could…just like I experienced all else I'd done (good and bad) before I had them. And, when they were older and I re-entered the workforce, gosh darn it all I'd just have to work twice as hard to reassemble myself, relearn, and hit the ground running! More work for me, better for my kids! And really, our greatest accomplishment is the type of citizens and parents we raise and guide our kids to be someday…we'll never really be able to chart our success until they have kids of their own, but no one said good parenting would be easy! In fact, it's the hardest damn there thing is, with the peaks and valleys of a solid, lasting, marriage being a close second.

I am a Mom of two, pre-teen daughters. By now, I can't stand myself! I'm a broken record, I'm always the bad guy, and no one listens to me! I'm not sure I listen to me anymore! But I'm hanging in there for the good fight – it's my job like it or not. I believe in what I'm doing.

I resent that whenever I talk about the pride I have for being a stay-at-home-Mom, working Moms around me immediately think I'm judging them and jump down my throat. I'm NOT Mother Goose! I've struggled with my self (old and new) ever since I had children, and question everything I was and am becoming. It's hard! Maybe harder on me than it is for others, maybe not as hard for me as it is for others. I do not judge but I do not like being judged.

I repeat: I'm torn. I am pro-life but do not ever want to see a woman's right to choice to ever be taken from her, and I feel ALL men should abstain from this decision for obvious reasons. I think a parent should stay at home full time to raise the kids, but I do not ever want society to take the easy road and start forcing women out of careers and back into the kitchen. Personally, I strongly believe those women who "burned bras" years ago to earn rights that never should have been withheld from women in the first place left women in the lurch trying to unnaturally do it all. The kids are suffering because of this. Women are the ones that must figure it out because men are not women and can not be expected to understand us. Many, many men are just trying to figure out how to give us what we want so we'll be happy, realize our full potential, take good care of their children, and love them like we once did before kids.

I do know, from experience, that what is expected from women in the home is discrimination in public places or the workforce. All these "minorities" screaming prejudice and special handling…hello…I'm discriminated in one form or another on a daily basis just because I'm a woman! I deal and I don't expect to be given a thing – I'm willing to work for the respect I know deserve – because I am a human being and because of my hard work!

I don't pretend to be a legislator, but I would like to see more women get educated, kick ass in the workforce, find love, experience motherhood, and stay at home while fighting from women's rights and never stop being vocal to show local government, state government, national government and the school system that WE CARE and WE'RE getting mad!!! Women aren't cupcakes – we're people with brains and as we get older we get better and more unafraid to speak our minds!

I guess I just spoke my mind, huh? Well, I guess it's because I've been a stay-at-home-Mom for over 10 years and I can no longer even think about living with a one income household any longer, and I have to figure out who I am and how I am going to learn to live in a workforce that has gone on without me. My priorities have changed and I don't know how to share those priorities with a future boss' business interests. I admit to be quite frustrated.

Just passionate, two cents in a world I feel is making decisions for me without knowing my potential, my passion, or my purpose. Thanks for listening, folks!

]]> By: Kim, Rambling Family Manager http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-209363 Kim, Rambling Family Manager Sat, 10 Oct 2009 14:35:53 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-209363 Interesting article! I'm a housewife, although I prefer the term family manager, and happy with that choice. I could work if I wanted to but I don't; my husband is fine either way, and supportive of whatever I choose. I guess the key for men, or women who want a househusband, (or a house-spouse of either gender) is to find a partner with a career they are unhappy with, as I was, then they'll LOVE staying home, as I do. ;) (Or someone with a career they can do from home might work.) I meet my needs for intellectual stimulation and getting out there through volunteering and blogging. Interesting article! I'm a housewife, although I prefer the term family manager, and happy with that choice. I could work if I wanted to but I don't; my husband is fine either way, and supportive of whatever I choose. I guess the key for men, or women who want a househusband, (or a house-spouse of either gender) is to find a partner with a career they are unhappy with, as I was, then they'll LOVE staying home, as I do. ;) (Or someone with a career they can do from home might work.) I meet my needs for intellectual stimulation and getting out there through volunteering and blogging.

]]> By: Bill http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-206981 Bill Mon, 05 Oct 2009 18:42:43 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-206981 my mother stayed at home, and increasingly became mentally ill. I was relieved when she didnt come to my school functions. Life was torture in my home. I wished like hell for divorce or for her to get a job. You were the lucky one. I would have loved to have been you. my mother stayed at home, and increasingly became mentally ill. I was relieved when she didnt come to my school functions. Life was torture in my home. I wished like hell for divorce or for her to get a job.

You were the lucky one. I would have loved to have been you.

]]> By: MS http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-206945 MS Mon, 05 Oct 2009 16:08:43 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-206945 I apologize if my post sounded like I only thought a mother at home was the best option - that is of course not my view. I was simply trying not to say "father or mother" every time. Of course I believe both are perfect options to stay at home! Also, please keep in mind that I stated it is only my personal experience that most (this does not mean all) families who support parents at work never had one. I only know a few who this worked well for. In your case your parents obviously did a fantastic job in balancing family with work. It's an extremely difficult thing to do and a rare thing to accomplish. It's just not a risk I'm personally willing to take. I apologize if my post sounded like I only thought a mother at home was the best option – that is of course not my view. I was simply trying not to say "father or mother" every time. Of course I believe both are perfect options to stay at home! Also, please keep in mind that I stated it is only my personal experience that most (this does not mean all) families who support parents at work never had one. I only know a few who this worked well for. In your case your parents obviously did a fantastic job in balancing family with work. It's an extremely difficult thing to do and a rare thing to accomplish. It's just not a risk I'm personally willing to take.

]]> By: jj http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-206938 jj Mon, 05 Oct 2009 15:48:06 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-206938 Re: I wanted to respone to the commenter who said a dual-income RUINED her childhood. First of all, she starts off by saying that both parents neglected her yet she obviously assumes the stay at home parent would be the mother, not the father. That is very unfair and wrong to the mother. Secondly, please don't think that your experience is reason enough to stay home. My parents both worked and my sisters and I are very close to my working mom. She is truly the best and better than many SAHM I know. Finally, I know kids whose dads work their butt off so the mom can stay home. Yes , they got to know their mom but usually have rocky distant relationships from their fathers. That is a trade-off, too. Re: I wanted to respone to the commenter who said a dual-income RUINED her childhood. First of all, she starts off by saying that both parents neglected her yet she obviously assumes the stay at home parent would be the mother, not the father. That is very unfair and wrong to the mother.

Secondly, please don't think that your experience is reason enough to stay home. My parents both worked and my sisters and I are very close to my working mom. She is truly the best and better than many SAHM I know.

Finally, I know kids whose dads work their butt off so the mom can stay home. Yes , they got to know their mom but usually have rocky distant relationships from their fathers. That is a trade-off, too.

]]> By: jessica http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-206899 jessica Mon, 05 Oct 2009 13:15:44 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-206899 The one thing that I have to disagree with in your article is when you say that men should not marry women who have careers. I was very career oriented at one time. I wanted a career more than I wanted marriage, more than a family. But I changed... after having my daughter, a year later decided that I needed to be a dedicated mother and wife and made the decision to leave a career and stay at home. I am in agreement that you cant do both 100%, one is always lacking. Doesn't matter what you do to try and fix it, one will always be lacking. The one thing that I have to disagree with in your article is when you say that men should not marry women who have careers. I was very career oriented at one time. I wanted a career more than I wanted marriage, more than a family. But I changed… after having my daughter, a year later decided that I needed to be a dedicated mother and wife and made the decision to leave a career and stay at home. I am in agreement that you cant do both 100%, one is always lacking. Doesn't matter what you do to try and fix it, one will always be lacking.

]]> By: jessica http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-206898 jessica Mon, 05 Oct 2009 13:13:47 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-206898 The one thing that I have to disagree with in your article is when you say that men should name marry when who have careers. I was very career oriented at one time. I wanted a career more than I wanted marriage, more than a family. Then after having my daughter, a year later decided that I needed to be a dedicated mother and wife and made the decision to leave a career and stay at home. I am in agreement that you cant do both 100%, one is always lacking. Doesn't matter what you do to try and fix it, one will always be lacking. The one thing that I have to disagree with in your article is when you say that men should name marry when who have careers. I was very career oriented at one time. I wanted a career more than I wanted marriage, more than a family. Then after having my daughter, a year later decided that I needed to be a dedicated mother and wife and made the decision to leave a career and stay at home. I am in agreement that you cant do both 100%, one is always lacking. Doesn't matter what you do to try and fix it, one will always be lacking.

]]> By: MS http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-206878 MS Mon, 05 Oct 2009 12:19:00 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-206878 I feel very strongly about this subject - because I am the product of a dual income household with a career mom, and it RUINED my childhood. I got to grow up in daycare centers watching my friends being picked up from school by a parent, and later got to feel the loneliness of seeing everyone else's parents attending their school functions while I arrived and left alone. Nobody ever cheered on the sidelines for me. They were at work. Do you know how hard that is for a kid?! I would sit and wait for my mother to come home, only for her to be exhausted from a long day at work and want to go straight to bed. True, the income was nice. I was never lack for any material good. But, I never got to know what it felt like to be someone's daughter. I still don't know. Now that I'm grown I have such a disconnect with my parents. I don't know them and they don't know me. I don't seek their advice or comfort, and they wonder why I never take the time to see or call them. I find it difficult to even accept hugs, because I didn't grow up receiving them. People don't realize how crucial the younger years are in our lives at forming important social patterns and life skills. A nurturing home and parents are absolutely central to that. Parents who come home tired, and talk to each other about work at the dinner table aren't giving their children the much needed attention they need, regardless of how unaware they may be of it. In the end, EVERYONE loses. Money doesn't make a happy home, people. I would have rather worked through college and have had student loans to repay than to have had it paid for with the lack of a mother growing up. That's a debt that can never be repaid. I think Penelope deserves kudos for this article. In my experience, most of those who have argued pro-career moms are those who never grew up in a household with one. Thank you Penelope. I feel very strongly about this subject – because I am the product of a dual income household with a career mom, and it RUINED my childhood. I got to grow up in daycare centers watching my friends being picked up from school by a parent, and later got to feel the loneliness of seeing everyone else's parents attending their school functions while I arrived and left alone. Nobody ever cheered on the sidelines for me. They were at work. Do you know how hard that is for a kid?! I would sit and wait for my mother to come home, only for her to be exhausted from a long day at work and want to go straight to bed. True, the income was nice. I was never lack for any material good. But, I never got to know what it felt like to be someone's daughter. I still don't know. Now that I'm grown I have such a disconnect with my parents. I don't know them and they don't know me. I don't seek their advice or comfort, and they wonder why I never take the time to see or call them. I find it difficult to even accept hugs, because I didn't grow up receiving them. People don't realize how crucial the younger years are in our lives at forming important social patterns and life skills. A nurturing home and parents are absolutely central to that. Parents who come home tired, and talk to each other about work at the dinner table aren't giving their children the much needed attention they need, regardless of how unaware they may be of it. In the end, EVERYONE loses. Money doesn't make a happy home, people. I would have rather worked through college and have had student loans to repay than to have had it paid for with the lack of a mother growing up. That's a debt that can never be repaid. I think Penelope deserves kudos for this article. In my experience, most of those who have argued pro-career moms are those who never grew up in a household with one. Thank you Penelope.

]]> By: KT http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-204737 KT Tue, 29 Sep 2009 19:23:49 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-204737 Why housewife? Why not househusband? Way to entrench us even deeper into patriarchy. Why housewife? Why not househusband? Way to entrench us even deeper into patriarchy.

]]> By: JenJen http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-188826 JenJen Sat, 11 Jul 2009 05:37:10 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-188826 Excellent post!! Excellent post!!

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