Comments on: Your family would be better off with a housewife (so would mine) http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/ Advice at the intersection of work and life Tue, 16 Mar 2010 22:39:22 -0600 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc hourly 1 By: Kelly http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-224039 Kelly Tue, 16 Mar 2010 17:51:28 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-224039 Let me premise my comments by stating that I am a forty-three year old college educated woman. I have been happily married for nineteen years and am proud to be have chosen the title of "wife and mother". I've always been happy because I live under the philosophy that "life is what you make of it". I've also learned that "it's not what you are dealt in life, but how you deal with it". And as my grandmother taught her family well, "life is a book filled with many chapters, you don't have to have it all or do it all in one". As far as children go, if you are blessed enough to have them, then they have essentially been dealt to you. As long as they are in the "raising stage", you have a moral obligation to do the best job of being parents as you possibly can with your given "hand". I must say that I am sickened by the selfishness that exists in our current culture. Whether parents are holding down paying jobs outside of the home, or holding down the at-home job, too many of them are far too concerned with the judgement of others and let this affect their common sense. So many want to appear to be the "best" or "most successful", thinking this will bring happiness. Many people that have given up on these titles for themselves try to pin the description to their children's hats. The poor kids! Whether it's the overachieving absent parents or the overscheduled future overachiever,it's all too much! Modern parents need to slow down and learn self-satisfaction in giving and doing for others,the simple stuff, especially for their spouses and children.I'm glad that my family passed on this trait. Be happy if you are doing your best! Let me premise my comments by stating that I am a forty-three year old college educated woman. I have been happily married for nineteen years and am proud to be have chosen the title of "wife and mother". I've always been happy because I live under the philosophy that "life is what you make of it". I've also learned that "it's not what you are dealt in life, but how you deal with it". And as my grandmother taught her family well, "life is a book filled with many chapters, you don't have to have it all or do it all in one".

As far as children go, if you are blessed enough to have them, then they have essentially been dealt to you. As long as they are in the "raising stage", you have a moral obligation to do the best job of being parents as you possibly can with your given "hand". I must say that I am sickened by the selfishness that exists in our current culture. Whether parents are holding down paying jobs outside of the home, or holding down the at-home job, too many of them are far too concerned with the judgement of others and let this affect their common sense. So many want to appear to be the "best" or "most successful", thinking this will bring happiness. Many people that have given up on these titles for themselves try to pin the description to their children's hats. The poor kids! Whether it's the overachieving absent parents or the overscheduled future overachiever,it's all too much!

Modern parents need to slow down and learn self-satisfaction in giving and doing for others,the simple stuff, especially for their spouses and children.I'm glad that my family passed on this trait. Be happy if you are doing your best!

]]> By: David Allgayer http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-219720 David Allgayer Sun, 31 Jan 2010 21:46:25 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-219720 I have just had a major argument with my wife about this, which prompted me to look on the net about how the role of housewife is perceived by people in general. My wife is Japanese, I am German, and we currently live in London (very very expensive). I am a structural engineer and my company is about to cut salaries and working week, which means that if we are lucky I will make just enough to pay the rent (about £1200/month). I would like her to work because I think it is silly that I should be the one who works and her the one who stays at home in anticipation of having children. She expects me to work and herself to stay at home in anticipation of having children. Both of my parents always worked and we had a comfortable life thanks to that. My sister and I both went to university, could live in London without having to work, enjoyed going on holiday somewhere exotic during summer holidays. The life of spoiled brats basically. I got used to seeing my mother share the financial load equally and so I expect that my wife should do the same. Maybe not equally, but at least pick up some of it not that my salary is on the verge of being substantially reduced. I am also worried about paying for tuition fees later on, etc. On the other hand my wife sees her role in the typical Japanese way: I go to work and bring back enough money for us all to live and she takes care of the home. If I don't earn enough then I should have two jobs. After reading all the comments here I am not sure what is right anymore. Am I being too demanding and excessively harsh? I thought marriage was about making life together. If one person can't do all of it their partner helps out. Is there such a clear cut separation between male and female roles in a family? In some ways I wish it were possible to go back to the 1960s when everything was clearly defined. Nowadays it seems you are at a clear disadvantage when one one spouse is works: not enough money and people look down on you for being traditional... Apologies if I am rambling here, but my whole perspective on life just got upended. There is a clear rift between Japan and Europe. I have just had a major argument with my wife about this, which prompted me to look on the net about how the role of housewife is perceived by people in general. My wife is Japanese, I am German, and we currently live in London (very very expensive). I am a structural engineer and my company is about to cut salaries and working week, which means that if we are lucky I will make just enough to pay the rent (about £1200/month). I would like her to work because I think it is silly that I should be the one who works and her the one who stays at home in anticipation of having children.
She expects me to work and herself to stay at home in anticipation of having children.

Both of my parents always worked and we had a comfortable life thanks to that. My sister and I both went to university, could live in London without having to work, enjoyed going on holiday somewhere exotic during summer holidays. The life of spoiled brats basically. I got used to seeing my mother share the financial load equally and so I expect that my wife should do the same. Maybe not equally, but at least pick up some of it not that my salary is on the verge of being substantially reduced. I am also worried about paying for tuition fees later on, etc.

On the other hand my wife sees her role in the typical Japanese way: I go to work and bring back enough money for us all to live and she takes care of the home. If I don't earn enough then I should have two jobs.

After reading all the comments here I am not sure what is right anymore. Am I being too demanding and excessively harsh? I thought marriage was about making life together. If one person can't do all of it their partner helps out. Is there such a clear cut separation between male and female roles in a family?

In some ways I wish it were possible to go back to the 1960s when everything was clearly defined. Nowadays it seems you are at a clear disadvantage when one one spouse is works: not enough money and people look down on you for being traditional…

Apologies if I am rambling here, but my whole perspective on life just got upended. There is a clear rift between Japan and Europe.

]]> By: fred http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-219672 fred Sat, 30 Jan 2010 21:10:12 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-219672 better off with a housewife...in a housedress better off with a housewife…in a housedress

]]> By: aleem ahmad http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-215015 aleem ahmad Mon, 30 Nov 2009 06:42:52 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-215015 Islam teaches that a woman's responsibility is to keep her husband happy, raise their children properly and run their home effectively. A man's responsibility is to provide for his wife and home (within his means). This does not include gifts and luxury that would come anyway if the man was happy. An education today would help any woman perform these responsibilities better. If a woman can accomplish her basic mandate and still do a job, then there is no harm. Every woman has to decide herself whether she can fulfill her responsibilities, but she should not loose sight of what she is primarily required to do. Islam teaches that a woman's responsibility is to keep her husband happy, raise their children properly and run their home effectively. A man's responsibility is to provide for his wife and home (within his means). This does not include gifts and luxury that would come anyway if the man was happy.
An education today would help any woman perform these responsibilities better.
If a woman can accomplish her basic mandate and still do a job, then there is no harm. Every woman has to decide herself whether she can fulfill her responsibilities, but she should not loose sight of what she is primarily required to do.

]]> By: Your family would be better off with a Housewife « The Critic Blog http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-214963 Your family would be better off with a Housewife « The Critic Blog Sat, 28 Nov 2009 13:08:03 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-214963 [...] Credit: http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-m... [...] [...] Credit: http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-m... [...]

]]> By: Kelly http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-214938 Kelly Sat, 28 Nov 2009 01:10:38 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-214938 If you are "constantly restructuring" your marriage in response to statistics, you sorely misunderstand the concept of statistics in general. You must take individual circumstances into account or you invalidate every assumption you present. You're also coming off pretty defensive. You don't have to defend your choices to anyone, but why the need to proselytize your lifestyle to others? I'll do what works best for me and my own family, thanks. If you are "constantly restructuring" your marriage in response to statistics, you sorely misunderstand the concept of statistics in general.

You must take individual circumstances into account or you invalidate every assumption you present.

You're also coming off pretty defensive. You don't have to defend your choices to anyone, but why the need to proselytize your lifestyle to others?

I'll do what works best for me and my own family, thanks.

]]> By: Sophia http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-214155 Sophia Mon, 16 Nov 2009 04:10:54 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-214155 I'm just torn. I am a strong willed, educated, independent, self sufficient woman...and a stay at home Mom. I chose to do this because I my children became my career, and I strongly felt it was the right thing to do for my family. I still do. It isn't fair that women, in general, still hold the majority of the better nurturing, parenting and multitasking skills, and still hold themselves to certain expectations where their baby cubs are concerned. Unfortunately, in marriages not in a single parent household, many times the woman is not the better choice of the two parents but she is either "expected" to be the primary caretaker (because of stereotyping), or she just "is" the primary caretaker because her husband makes better money (better paying job or just makes more money cuz he's a male). But on to my point: although I think it is great that the workforce began embracing women (albeit slowly) and that women were given the "go ahead" to get educated, get tough, and show the corporate world her stuff....society's families and family values are crumbling. Our families are now taking on the sad shape that our politics have been. Does the woman's adult skills and identity suffer just a tad bit (okay, a whole lot more than that) for a long while while devoting most (if not all) of her time, efforts, and everything else she can give to her children? YES!!! I'm living proof! But if ONE of the parents (mom or dad) doesn't stay home full time for a good time of it to raise the kids, the kids suffer a whole heckuva lot more than the parent's identity. Someone has to stay home if it is possible!!!! It sounds cold, but I stayed home not because I thought I'd ever win Mother of the Year, or because I had a gut feeling I'd be Mother Goose, and despite the fact that I am driven, self absorbed, and lacking in patience, but because this was a career change for me. I'd had these kids and I was going to experience them for myself as much as I could...just like I experienced all else I'd done (good and bad) before I had them. And, when they were older and I re-entered the workforce, gosh darn it all I'd just have to work twice as hard to reassemble myself, relearn, and hit the ground running! More work for me, better for my kids! And really, our greatest accomplishment is the type of citizens and parents we raise and guide our kids to be someday...we'll never really be able to chart our success until they have kids of their own, but no one said good parenting would be easy! In fact, it's the hardest damn there thing is, with the peaks and valleys of a solid, lasting, marriage being a close second. I am a Mom of two, pre-teen daughters. By now, I can't stand myself! I'm a broken record, I'm always the bad guy, and no one listens to me! I'm not sure I listen to me anymore! But I'm hanging in there for the good fight - it's my job like it or not. I believe in what I'm doing. I resent that whenever I talk about the pride I have for being a stay-at-home-Mom, working Moms around me immediately think I'm judging them and jump down my throat. I'm NOT Mother Goose! I've struggled with my self (old and new) ever since I had children, and question everything I was and am becoming. It's hard! Maybe harder on me than it is for others, maybe not as hard for me as it is for others. I do not judge but I do not like being judged. I repeat: I'm torn. I am pro-life but do not ever want to see a woman's right to choice to ever be taken from her, and I feel ALL men should abstain from this decision for obvious reasons. I think a parent should stay at home full time to raise the kids, but I do not ever want society to take the easy road and start forcing women out of careers and back into the kitchen. Personally, I strongly believe those women who "burned bras" years ago to earn rights that never should have been withheld from women in the first place left women in the lurch trying to unnaturally do it all. The kids are suffering because of this. Women are the ones that must figure it out because men are not women and can not be expected to understand us. Many, many men are just trying to figure out how to give us what we want so we'll be happy, realize our full potential, take good care of their children, and love them like we once did before kids. I do know, from experience, that what is expected from women in the home is discrimination in public places or the workforce. All these "minorities" screaming prejudice and special handling...hello...I'm discriminated in one form or another on a daily basis just because I'm a woman! I deal and I don't expect to be given a thing - I'm willing to work for the respect I know deserve - because I am a human being and because of my hard work! I don't pretend to be a legislator, but I would like to see more women get educated, kick ass in the workforce, find love, experience motherhood, and stay at home while fighting from women's rights and never stop being vocal to show local government, state government, national government and the school system that WE CARE and WE'RE getting mad!!! Women aren't cupcakes - we're people with brains and as we get older we get better and more unafraid to speak our minds! I guess I just spoke my mind, huh? Well, I guess it's because I've been a stay-at-home-Mom for over 10 years and I can no longer even think about living with a one income household any longer, and I have to figure out who I am and how I am going to learn to live in a workforce that has gone on without me. My priorities have changed and I don't know how to share those priorities with a future boss' business interests. I admit to be quite frustrated. Just passionate, two cents in a world I feel is making decisions for me without knowing my potential, my passion, or my purpose. Thanks for listening, folks! I'm just torn. I am a strong willed, educated, independent, self sufficient woman…and a stay at home Mom. I chose to do this because I my children became my career, and I strongly felt it was the right thing to do for my family. I still do. It isn't fair that women, in general, still hold the majority of the better nurturing, parenting and multitasking skills, and still hold themselves to certain expectations where their baby cubs are concerned. Unfortunately, in marriages not in a single parent household, many times the woman is not the better choice of the two parents but she is either "expected" to be the primary caretaker (because of stereotyping), or she just "is" the primary caretaker because her husband makes better money (better paying job or just makes more money cuz he's a male).

But on to my point: although I think it is great that the workforce began embracing women (albeit slowly) and that women were given the "go ahead" to get educated, get tough, and show the corporate world her stuff….society's families and family values are crumbling. Our families are now taking on the sad shape that our politics have been. Does the woman's adult skills and identity suffer just a tad bit (okay, a whole lot more than that) for a long while while devoting most (if not all) of her time, efforts, and everything else she can give to her children? YES!!! I'm living proof! But if ONE of the parents (mom or dad) doesn't stay home full time for a good time of it to raise the kids, the kids suffer a whole heckuva lot more than the parent's identity. Someone has to stay home if it is possible!!!!

It sounds cold, but I stayed home not because I thought I'd ever win Mother of the Year, or because I had a gut feeling I'd be Mother Goose, and despite the fact that I am driven, self absorbed, and lacking in patience, but because this was a career change for me. I'd had these kids and I was going to experience them for myself as much as I could…just like I experienced all else I'd done (good and bad) before I had them. And, when they were older and I re-entered the workforce, gosh darn it all I'd just have to work twice as hard to reassemble myself, relearn, and hit the ground running! More work for me, better for my kids! And really, our greatest accomplishment is the type of citizens and parents we raise and guide our kids to be someday…we'll never really be able to chart our success until they have kids of their own, but no one said good parenting would be easy! In fact, it's the hardest damn there thing is, with the peaks and valleys of a solid, lasting, marriage being a close second.

I am a Mom of two, pre-teen daughters. By now, I can't stand myself! I'm a broken record, I'm always the bad guy, and no one listens to me! I'm not sure I listen to me anymore! But I'm hanging in there for the good fight – it's my job like it or not. I believe in what I'm doing.

I resent that whenever I talk about the pride I have for being a stay-at-home-Mom, working Moms around me immediately think I'm judging them and jump down my throat. I'm NOT Mother Goose! I've struggled with my self (old and new) ever since I had children, and question everything I was and am becoming. It's hard! Maybe harder on me than it is for others, maybe not as hard for me as it is for others. I do not judge but I do not like being judged.

I repeat: I'm torn. I am pro-life but do not ever want to see a woman's right to choice to ever be taken from her, and I feel ALL men should abstain from this decision for obvious reasons. I think a parent should stay at home full time to raise the kids, but I do not ever want society to take the easy road and start forcing women out of careers and back into the kitchen. Personally, I strongly believe those women who "burned bras" years ago to earn rights that never should have been withheld from women in the first place left women in the lurch trying to unnaturally do it all. The kids are suffering because of this. Women are the ones that must figure it out because men are not women and can not be expected to understand us. Many, many men are just trying to figure out how to give us what we want so we'll be happy, realize our full potential, take good care of their children, and love them like we once did before kids.

I do know, from experience, that what is expected from women in the home is discrimination in public places or the workforce. All these "minorities" screaming prejudice and special handling…hello…I'm discriminated in one form or another on a daily basis just because I'm a woman! I deal and I don't expect to be given a thing – I'm willing to work for the respect I know deserve – because I am a human being and because of my hard work!

I don't pretend to be a legislator, but I would like to see more women get educated, kick ass in the workforce, find love, experience motherhood, and stay at home while fighting from women's rights and never stop being vocal to show local government, state government, national government and the school system that WE CARE and WE'RE getting mad!!! Women aren't cupcakes – we're people with brains and as we get older we get better and more unafraid to speak our minds!

I guess I just spoke my mind, huh? Well, I guess it's because I've been a stay-at-home-Mom for over 10 years and I can no longer even think about living with a one income household any longer, and I have to figure out who I am and how I am going to learn to live in a workforce that has gone on without me. My priorities have changed and I don't know how to share those priorities with a future boss' business interests. I admit to be quite frustrated.

Just passionate, two cents in a world I feel is making decisions for me without knowing my potential, my passion, or my purpose. Thanks for listening, folks!

]]> By: Kim, Rambling Family Manager http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-209363 Kim, Rambling Family Manager Sat, 10 Oct 2009 14:35:53 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-209363 Interesting article! I'm a housewife, although I prefer the term family manager, and happy with that choice. I could work if I wanted to but I don't; my husband is fine either way, and supportive of whatever I choose. I guess the key for men, or women who want a househusband, (or a house-spouse of either gender) is to find a partner with a career they are unhappy with, as I was, then they'll LOVE staying home, as I do. ;) (Or someone with a career they can do from home might work.) I meet my needs for intellectual stimulation and getting out there through volunteering and blogging. Interesting article! I'm a housewife, although I prefer the term family manager, and happy with that choice. I could work if I wanted to but I don't; my husband is fine either way, and supportive of whatever I choose. I guess the key for men, or women who want a househusband, (or a house-spouse of either gender) is to find a partner with a career they are unhappy with, as I was, then they'll LOVE staying home, as I do. ;) (Or someone with a career they can do from home might work.) I meet my needs for intellectual stimulation and getting out there through volunteering and blogging.

]]> By: Bill http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-206981 Bill Mon, 05 Oct 2009 18:42:43 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-206981 my mother stayed at home, and increasingly became mentally ill. I was relieved when she didnt come to my school functions. Life was torture in my home. I wished like hell for divorce or for her to get a job. You were the lucky one. I would have loved to have been you. my mother stayed at home, and increasingly became mentally ill. I was relieved when she didnt come to my school functions. Life was torture in my home. I wished like hell for divorce or for her to get a job.

You were the lucky one. I would have loved to have been you.

]]> By: MS http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/comment-page-2/#comment-206945 MS Mon, 05 Oct 2009 16:08:43 +0000 http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/08/27/your-family-would-be-better-off-with-a-housewife-so-would-mine/#comment-206945 I apologize if my post sounded like I only thought a mother at home was the best option - that is of course not my view. I was simply trying not to say "father or mother" every time. Of course I believe both are perfect options to stay at home! Also, please keep in mind that I stated it is only my personal experience that most (this does not mean all) families who support parents at work never had one. I only know a few who this worked well for. In your case your parents obviously did a fantastic job in balancing family with work. It's an extremely difficult thing to do and a rare thing to accomplish. It's just not a risk I'm personally willing to take. I apologize if my post sounded like I only thought a mother at home was the best option – that is of course not my view. I was simply trying not to say "father or mother" every time. Of course I believe both are perfect options to stay at home! Also, please keep in mind that I stated it is only my personal experience that most (this does not mean all) families who support parents at work never had one. I only know a few who this worked well for. In your case your parents obviously did a fantastic job in balancing family with work. It's an extremely difficult thing to do and a rare thing to accomplish. It's just not a risk I'm personally willing to take.

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