Comments on: Mystery unveiled: How marriages that are equal become unequal when there are kids

By: Emma Brownell

Emma Brownell — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 22:45:19 +0000

I find this topic fascinating – what happens to women when they partner up – especially when women partner with Type A men – who will not give up any part of their career (and this total ambition was probably part of what the woman found attractive to begin with).
One of my good friends' mothers managed to have it all – career and four children – I wrote about partners and success here, http://whenatwork.tumblr.com/post/6610751710/marriage-work

By: Joel

Joel — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 23:34:16 +0000

I'm young, and maybe I'm missing something…but why not just take turns? You take 2 years off, then he does a few years, etc.

By: Assech Omega

Assech Omega — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 17:19:02 +0000

Energy Psychology

This is another solution to the Problem!!!

By: Kristina

Kristina — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 09:16:51 +0000

Thanks for the post Kara. I am facing the "crumb" dilemma and you put the situation into words so clearly. But yes, is there any resolution? I sometimes wonder how it feels to be the less-caring one. And then I wonder why we stay in relationships like this in the first place; even when they are friendships, although I can sympathize with marriage and kids being a huge obstacle. It reminds me of a poem by Carol Ann Duffy, "Mrs. Beast." At the very end she says, "Let the less-loving one be me." It's so powerful to me. While it may be challenging as women to do this, it would be so awesome to be liberated from the role of assuming responsibility by default.

I got an apartment with my boyfriend at a young age and I didn't make my desires for equality with household duties clear in the beginning. Bad mistake because now I'm trippin' over breadcrumbs. This post helped me see that this problem can and will grow if I let it.

By: Kara

Kara — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 12:29:50 +0000

This is an interesting post, and it mirrors almost exactly what a married couple I am friends with is going through.

I think that this is the most telling quote from the entire post – "But Donna’s problem persists: she thinks a parent should be at home, and she doesn’t want to be that parent."

Normally I would question why a high-powered couple, neither of whom actually wants to stay home and raise kids would have kids in the first place.

Normally I would point out that the person who feels the most strongly about an issue – let's say… crumbs on the cutting board – is going to end up being the one who has to man up and wipe the crumbs into the sink. Waiting for one's partner (who has expressed an indifference toward bread crumbs) to suddenly develop a strong desire to clean up the crumbs is both an exercise in futility and a guaranteed path toward arguments and resentment.

I would also suggest that the couple in question look into getting an au pair or a nanny. That way the kids can stay home and the parents don't have to.

What kind of resolution (if any) was there in this case? I am curious…

By: Anna

Anna — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 18:49:58 +0000

Man, you had such good posts back in the days…